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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Church-less Movie Of The Week: An Explanation ...

Old picture. Crrrazy old. But it's a topical picture.

Ok. Lets get into this ...

I realize that, since I've been blogging for well over a decade, many of my casual fans might not know all of this blog's tremendous backstory, like why I post free movies every weekend and why they are called Church-less Movies of the Week.

So here's an explanation...

In December of 2008 I was still living in Sacramento, California with my wife and, back then, two kids. And for reasons unknown to me, my wife was 100% convinced that we all just absolutely HAD to go to church every weekend. I mean, know we're both sort of in agreement with the fact that organized religion is bullshit and we don't bother going. But back then we just HAD TO, HAD TO, HAD TO go every freaking sunday. It sucked. It was a dark time.

About the church:

It was a very small church with a very small congregation that was located in what seemed to be an old converted office space in the industrial part of town. There was no air conditioning or heating, which made the two to three hours of prayer really horrible on hot or freezing cold days. The pastor had a huuuuuuuge southern accent and therefore loved spending 2+ hours every sunday talking about "Gee-shush." He was a Vietnam vet, which is where he met his wife ... beeeeeecause his wife used to be a prostitute. "Me love you long time" sort of thing. In his spare time the pastor would sell things from the back of his car. His daughter would lead the singing... and it would just go on and on and on an ONNNNN. And she was very nasally. And did I mention that 70% of the congregation was Korean? Because that's true. It was chock full of Koreans. They would have a Korean language Bible study group after church each week and I always suspected that they weren't actually doing any Bible study because it always sounded like they were screaming at each other and fighting and stuff. The cliques there were extreme. The belief system was at times pretty extreme, too. At one point, the pastor received a hearty round of applause for stating that there was more proof that Jesus was alive than George Washington. Can you believe that? People would applaud even the stupidest beliefs.

Needless to say, I did NOT like church.

One day I sat my wife down and told her I couldn't go to church anymore, I couldn't do it, I wasn't getting anything out of it, I hated it.

In fact, I told her that I would get more out of staying home and watching bad movies than I would going to church.

Amazingly, she agreed.

So starting in December 2008 I stayed at home on sundays and watched bad movies instead of going to church. Those were my church-free bad movie day.

At first I just watched the movies on dvd at home and I would just post it here on my blog and it was only occasionally that I would post the movie here. But people really seemed to appreciate those times when I would find the entire movie online and share it with everyone. So I just started doing that. And I've been doing it for well over five years now.

I considered changing the name of my free movies, something like "Free Movie Of The Week." But I've been calling it the "Church-less" movie for over half a decade now and I just can't stop that.

Anyway, hope you like this week's movie. It's a pretty good bad one. I'm probably going to start showing Godzilla films more often, what with the new movie coming out soon.

See you later.

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

This is post #2,222 on this blog since I started it in 2002. That's pretty damn impressive, right?

Anyway, it's free bad movie day today, so let's get our bad movie on! Today's film is a pretty crappy made for tv crapfest about a crappy looking satanic dog.

And also the movie's crap.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia god and the New York Times ...

"Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell is a 1978 television movie directed by Curtis Harrington. The story centers on a suburban family and the harrowing experiences they endure from a possessed dog they innocently adopt. The film stars Richard Crenna as Mike Barry, the father, Yvette Mimieux as Betty, the mother, and Kim Richards and Ike Eisenmann as Bonnie and Charlie, their children. The latter two starred in Disney's Witch Mountain series, but were not intentionally cast based on that fact, just on that they looked believable as siblings.

This amusingly cheesy made-for-TV opus from director Curtis Harrington pits a relatively normal suburban family against a slavering, demonically-possessed German shepherd whose hunger for human souls far exceeds that of the normal household pet. Although not above resorting to the usual throat-maulings, the satanic psycho-pup's preferred method of attack is to supernaturally cause the deaths of various friends and neighbors, in a style reminiscent of The Omen. Though the gory potential of this scenario is obviously dulled by the TV-movie format, there are enough implied shocks and chills to keep up the pace."

That's my new shirt. I love it.

Man, gotta love free movie day!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

A Quick Strange Story ...

I have to get to work, so here's a quick story for you to sort of cement the fact that I'm strange as all get out.

Here you go ...

Yesterday, a typical day, my two year old son was running around the house completely naked with fingers in his ears screaming "LOO LOO LOO LOO!" over and over again. Just running naked with fingers in his ears screaming his crazy car alarm noise.

Yeah.

But you know what he wasn't expecting?

His two year old little developing brain was never expecting his old man to strip naked and run right behind him while doing the exact same thing!

So that's how I found myself running around the house completely naked with my son and with fingers in my ears screaming "LOO LOO LOO LOO!" over and over again.

Parenthood takes you to some strrrrrrrange places.

There was about five or ten seconds where a fear creeped up and down my spine because I thought I may have a few windows open, allowing all the ghetto folk I live near to see the long haired mexican man naked and screaming "LOO LOO LOO LOO!" as he ran around the house with his son. But no. Windows were closed and covered. Good.

Personally, I think this makes me a pretty great daddy.

And also a fucking strange one.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Various Embarrassing Tidbits About Myself ...

-I am obsessed with my weight.

-I drink waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much coffee.

-I have this really strange thing about eating bites of food in twos or in pairs of twos. I can't eat three pieces of popcorn, not unless I eat another group of three pieces, thereby making the total amount into two groups of three pieces of popcorn. Twos. I have to eat bites in twos. My old therapist said that I may have the beginnings of OCD. So I'm constantly doing the math in my head while I eat.

-I also have a thing about eating matching colors. I cannot just eat a handful of M&M's or gummy bears. They have to, really HAVE TO, match.

-I currently have a copy of the WWE Scooby Doo movie on my phone.

-I am prrrrretty socially retarded and have a really hard time making friends.

-I get scared leaving the house. In fact, I sometimes worry that I'm becoming an agoraphobic ... and I sometimes subconsciously get upset that I'm not one yet.

-I have a huuuuuuuuuuuuge mancrush on Adam Warrock.

-I just downloaded that annoying "#SELFIE" song.

-I blow kisses to strange pedestrians I pass. They notice it and freak the hell out about 60% of the time. I call it "drive-by sexual harassment".

-I watch more cartoons than live action shows on my Netflix account.

-In fifth grade I became obsessed with this girl that sat in front of me in class named Genna. She was a pretty, ditzy, fairly well off popular blonde and I was the funny, weird looking kid with the glasses. There was never going to be any way this would work but I became convinced that I was in love with her and we were meant to be together. I sent her love letters and epic love poems and I was crushed when she didn't love me back. I mean, I didn't know her. Hell, I hardly ever even talked to her. I was too much of a chicken shit to talk to her. I just spent a whole year looking at her back in class and imagined my arms around her. Now, here's the hard part. It might be hard to believe but .... Genna would wear this soft, white angora sweater most days and I would imagine holding her and caressing that angora sweater. Now, I know that that may be a pretty astounding and unbelievable fact considering that in 1996 I would create my own religion based on the life of angora-obsessed filmmaker Ed Wood but this is the first time I've ever admitted to my own checkered, angora sweatered past. I try not to think about it. Could THIS be one of the driving forces behind my eventual creation of Woodism? I don't think about it because of how deeeeeeeeeply embarrassed I am about the whole love letter thing. It was fucking stupid. Genna never talked to me before the love letters and just continued to not talk to me after the letters. I felt like the biggest loser in the whole world and, when I think back to it, I still do. So now we're friends on the facebooks, Genna and I. She's a single mother and she still has her same ditzy personality except now it comes with possible fake boobs. Whatever. Good for her. And also, fuck her.

-.... and also, I got my friend Heath to write the love poems I sent to Genna. I didn't even write my own goddamn love poems. How fucking lame am I?

-I am OBSESSED with the music on my phone and I am constantly adding to it and changing up the playlists I've created, despite not really having a lot of time to actually listen to any of the music itself. But I keep getting more. It's like Pringles or Pokemon or crack for me. I just can't stop.

-Also, all of my music playlists on my phone HAVE TO BE in alphabetical order! HAVE TO BE!

-For the longest time I was saving all my fingernail and toenail clippings in the hopes of making a creepy ass nail necklace for my wife. The day my brother in law threw out four years worth of nail clippings almost make me cry.

-It's pretty much impossible for me to watch about 80% of all Disney animated movies without crying.

-I'm 37 years old now. Damn. I never thought I'd live to be this old. When I was young I figured that either the world would end before I turned 40 or that I would be killed for being so rebellious and outspoken. Even before creating my own religion I thought that I would one day grow up to be someone to outrageous that I would be killed by some random nutjob. Gawd. I never thought that I'd be a stay at home dad in his late thirties, you know? How did I get here?

-Four things I was obsessed with growing up: Alf, Snoopy, Alvin and the Chipmunks and the Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

My Invisible Worth ...

So I was messing around on the internets and I came across one of those web sites that offers "simplified website statistics & valuation data" on various web sites.

I put in the addy on my own website, not this blog but my cult, The Church of Ed Wood

Here are the stats:

Rank in United States: 323,884
Monthly pages viewed: 2,445
Value per visitor: $0.18
Estimated worth $2,492.58

That last one surprise me.

My church is worth almost $2,500?!?

Where the hell did they get THAT number from? That's a lot of money. I mean, I have ran that site for over a decade now and that number is in NO WAY close to being real! Because not only do I NOT(!!!) make any money whatsoever from my church but I actually am losing money on the deal. I'm down the hole about $100 a year because of this damn website. I make nothing.

So how the hell do they get that invisible worth number?

And how do I make that invisible amount visible without seeming to sell out?

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

A Post From The Van ...

This post is coming to you from inside my minivan.

Really.

Let me try and explain why.

My oldest daughter Emerald is home from school today. Lice. How the hell did she get that, I wonder? She's twelve and a half, for Wood's sake. I thought she outgrew lice infestations. Oh well.

I tried being a clueless white republican douchebag and blame the lice on the act of taking "selfies" but that just upsets my daughter because she's a book-obsessing honor roll student who wouldn't be caught dead taking a selfie, which OF COURSE makes me blame selfies all the more.

Good times.

See, the lice is why Em and little Maxwell and I had to go to the Wallymarts and get lice stuff. Then we went home. But I never left the van. Em thinks me cray-cray for staying but, see, Maxwell fell asleep on the way home and so i'm at home but in the van with the car running. I'm staying here with Maxwell. I know my son. Once I try and get him out he will absolutely wake up. So I'm staying in the van.

I don't really mind, you know? My poor son is still having issues with his mommy not being here for him. Don't get me wrong. He loves me. But I don't have boobs. Most mornings he'll wake up at some crazy early time and freak out that my wife is gone. Just this morning Maxwell woke up at 4:20, 4:45, 5:00, and 5:45am. Poor guy's probably exhausted.

Then there's the fact that he hardly ever takes naps on his own anymore and on those rare days when he does he most definitely does NOT go down for a nap as early as 10:30am.

So I might as well help him out and just stay here with him in the van, right?

Not THAT crazy of an idea.

This is my first ever van post.

Yay.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

My Brother Got Me A Picture For My Birthday And It Is Awesome ...

My brother and I get along really well.

We didn't always get along. But age tends to erase the edges of a frayed family relationship, you know? I just wish that we got along before we lived our lives so far away (Oklahoma and Arizona, unfortunately).

Anyway, my brother send me this picture for my birthday.

It's pretty awesome.

Pretty cool, right?

Hopefully I'll still be able to get my birthday tattoo soon.

Ok. Carry on.

A Few Random Thoughts Regarding My Birthday ...

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present ...

FUNKY SPOCK ...

"Uhh, hit me, funky spock/uhh, yeauhh, it's funky spock ..." That's the Funky Spock theme song. I was singing it all day yesterday. And, yes, it IS a tribble there doubling as his funky seventies afro. I think it's clever.

So ...

It's a lazy Sunday here in the Galindo compound and my eight year old daughter is currently Netflix obsessed with the cartoon Digimon. My head is swimming as a result of this show, by the way.

If you have never watched an episode of Digimon then consider yourself extremely lucky. I seriously sincerely doubt that there is another cartoon out there that can match Digimon for sheer loud annoyance and pointless, badly written stupidity. Honestly, my brain melts every time that this horribly hideous piece of animated crap is playing.

So yesterday was my birthday.

Sigh.

I'm 37 now, if you're taking score at home. Yesterday I make the connection that being 37 makes me the same age as Dennis the "Old Woman" from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" which is a pretty fun geek thing to be aware of. I found myself repeatedly thinking "I'm 37, I'm not OLD!" in an english accent just like Michael Palin when he's collecting filth in the fields.

So this birthday once again forcefully pushes me just one step closer to 40.

Yay for me, he typed sarcastically.

Anyway, THIS was my birthday jam yesterday ...

I like the use of bad movies like "Gamera vs. Guiron" and "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" and "Beach Girls and the Monsters" in that birthday video there. Good stuff.

So, about the drive-in ...

I was reeeeaaaallllly looking forward to going to the Chief drive-in this weekend to watch their epic triple feature. It was going to be my big birthday bash. But then it was going to rain the night of my birthday, so we decided to go on friday instead. I spend about almost two fucking hours getting the van ready, removing seats, packing up stuff, moving extremely heavy shit around, packing up stuff.

It took a very loooooooong time and a LOT of work, is what I'm trying to express to you here.

Then we left. And the van started overheating.

So no drive-in. Maybe some other time. Sigh.

But everything else was fun. Work was good. I took my youngest daughter with me so she could have a playdate. We took a fun stop at a Hastings on our way home, hence the Funky Spock and the picture above with the goggles and stuff. The night of my birthday was filled with presents and food and snacks and toys that Maxwell will no doubt steal from me and a bunch of stupid youtube videos. And a beer or two. Nothing big, nothing small, just us having fun.

Now today we are going to go eat at my favorite Chinese buffet place. And hopefully next weekend's drive-in movies will be just as cool as this weekend's movies.

Hope you enjoy The Manster. It's a classic.

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

I'm pretty sure I've shown this one before, but it's a classic and yesterday was my birthday, so I get to make the rules here. Plus, that scene where the eye appears on the man's shoulder has always given be the serious creeps.

Enjoy ...

"The Manster (双頭の殺人鬼?, Sôtô no Satsujinki) is a tokusatsu 1959 horror film, a co-production between the US and Japan, starring Peter Dyneley. The film was notable for its creative use of special effects. The film is also known as The Split in the United Kingdom, Doktor Satan in Greece, and The Two-Headed Monster.

The plot concerns an American reporter in Japan who is sent to interview an eccentric Japanese scientist working on bizarre experiments in his mountain laboratory. When the doctor realizes that the hapless correspondent is the perfect subject for his next experiment, he drugs the unfortunate man and injects him with a serum that gradually transforms him into a hideous, two-headed monster.

Recently, film critic Richard Scheib gave the film a qualified positive review, writing, 'This American-Japanese co-production is an interestingly obscure film, one whose reputation as a B movie has preceded its actual availability on video or tv. It is of course a venture into the schlock movie theme of the two-headed transplant. But The Manster is one entry that, when seen, proves a whole lot more entertaining than other variants on the theme such as the terrible The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (1971) and the deliberately silly The Thing with Two Heads (1972).'

Sam Raimi's Army of Darkness (1992) pays homage to this film. When Ash has swallowed one of his little dopplegangers, he grows an eye on his right shoulder, which results in him splitting into two beings; Good Ash and Evil Ash. In this film, the reporter is injected with a serum and later develops an eye, which grows into a head, resulting in him splitting into a good being and an evil one. This film was originally released in the US on double feature with George Franju's Eyes Without a Face (1960)."

Friday, March 21, 2014

Galindomas Eve ...

Tomorrow is my birthday.

We were going to go to the drive-in. I mean, it's the last few days of spring break, the sun has been out in full force, and they're showing a great triple feature this weekend.

Unfortunately, however, our 78-degree weather has suddenly turned into a cloudy, overcast day that is apparently going to turn into rain clouds tomorrow night.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!!!

Now my wife is trying to either get us to go tonight, which will make me exhausted for work on my birthday the next day, or go next week, and of COURSE there's no word yet on what they'll be showing next weekend or even if it'll be raining or not. I mean, this time last week it said that my birthday would be sunny in the high 60s, not raining and cloudy.

Plus, I'm not sure if we're going to be able to get my tattoo later today.

This is all deeply depressing me.

Sigh.

Happy early birthday to me.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Happy Galindomas Eve Eve Eve Eve ...

Happy Galindomas Eve Eve Eve Eve, everybody.

See, the good thing about having your very own religion is that you get to create your very own holy days. And I am pretty Woodian blessed to be friends with a number of followers who actually DO celebrate the days that I have created. In fact, just the other day I was contacted by a follower who asked what kind of tree do you decorate during Galindomas. I said either bonsai or broccoli.

So I have created a bunch of holy days, primarily so that I could have some days off like my Catholic counterparts. And they're cool ones, too. MARCH 15th is the anniversary of the world premiere of "Plan 9 from Outer Space". April is the "National 'Glen or Glenda?' Month of Rememberance". Nice one.

But my birthday is a holy day that my followers dubbed "Galindomas".

Here's what one of my "Holy Lessons of Wood" has to say about Galindomas ...

"MARCH 22nd: Reverend Steve Galindo's Birthday (aka Galindomas)

It's difficult to talk about the social and spiritual importance of your own birthday. You just try it sometime. I'm not going to get up here and talk about how important I am and how I represent the modern day whatever and the importance of a spiritual whatnot. I'm not going to sit here and play with myself by stroking my own ego. This is my birthday. I was born in 1977 in Prescott, Arizona as the only Latino in a town of people with a shotgun and a banjo. I moved to Phoenix in 1984 and stayed there for a really long time. This is where I eventually created the Church of Ed Wood and Woodism. I came up with the idea in front of a computer at the main computer lab at Arizona State. Now I'm in Sacramento trying to start a family and promote Woodism as a major mainstream religion. My birthdays used to be huge when I was a kid and the older I get the smaller they are. So go play some video games or watch an Ed Wood film on my birthday. Feel free to tell work you have to take this day off because its the "Feast of Galindomas." You can thank me later."

Good stuff.

So today, technically, is Galindomas Eve Eve Eve Eve.

So have a happy Galindomas Eve Eve Eve Eve, everybody.

For most of these recent years, my birthday has been treated within my family as just another birthday. Nothing special. A few doctor's appointments, mayyyyybe go out somewhere to eat, but that's about it.

This year, though, my wife seems to really want to make up for those boring Galinomassesss by 1) actually buying me gifts ahead of time, and 2) letting me do whatever I want to do.

And this year what I really want to do is go back to the amazing old drive-in theater in Chickasha, Oklahoma for a swwwwweet triple feature.

They're showing:

-the new Muppet movie (yaaaay!)
-Divergent (ehh, probly be good.)
-Need for Speed (supposed to be crap, so I'm excited!)

But this old drive-in is so amazing that I could watch ANYTHING and it would be an incredible treat. Everything about that drive-in is amazing. The small snack bar, the putt putt course in front of the screen, the outside seats! I have never seen outside seats at a drive-in anywhere other than in the movie The Outsiders! The place is great.

Finally, I cannot wait for Galindomas!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Part Two ...

Today's free movie is an absoolutely crrrrrrrrazy one. It's a Woody Allen movie and it's one of his greatest works, and yet it's the one film that most people don't know about and haven't seen. It's a work of pure genius and it's certifiably insane.

I've got an amazing first person account of the opening of this film from my father that I will share with everyone after the movie info.

Enjoy ...

"What's Up, Tiger Lily? is a 1966 comedy film directed by Woody Allen in his feature-length directorial debut. Allen took a Japanese spy film called "International Secret Police: Key of Keys" and overdubbed it with completely original dialogue that had nothing to do with the plot of the original film. By putting in new scenes and rearranging the order of existing scenes, he completely changed the tone of the film from a James Bond clone into a comedy about the search for the world's best egg salad recipe.

During post-production, Allen's original one-hour television version was expanded without his permission to include additional scenes from International Secret Police: A Barrel of Gunpowder, the third film in the International Secret Police series, and musical numbers by the band the Lovin' Spoonful. This experience helped convince Allen that he should secure creative control for all his future projects. The band released a soundtrack album. Louise Lasser, who was married to Allen at the time, served as one of the voice actors for the 'new' dialogue soundtrack, as did Mickey Rose, Allen's writing partner on Take The Money and Run and Bananas.

The plot provides the setup for a string of sight gags, puns, jokes based on Asian stereotypes, and general farce. The central plot involves the misadventures of secret agent Phil Moskowitz, hired by the Grand Exalted High Majah of Raspur ('a nonexistent but real-sounding country') to find a secret egg salad recipe that was stolen from him.

The movie has an ending unrelated to the plot, in which China Lee, a Playboy Playmate and then-wife of Allen's comic idol Mort Sahl, who does not appear elsewhere in the film, does a striptease while Allen explains that he promised he would put her in the film somewhere."

Ok, here's my story ...

My father went to see this the day it came out at a drive-in theater just outside of the sleepy little border town of Douglas, Arizona. My dad said that the place was packed with people, all of them excited to see Woody Allen's first film, knowing he was absolutely freaking hilarious. The movie, however, starts with a lengthy scene all in freaking Japanese. It's like nine minutes SOLELY in Japanese with NO Woody Allen and no Americans and no jokes. It's like how the first ten or fifteen minutes of The Gods Must Be Crazy is straight National Geographic documentary style boredom. And after a few minutes, people were screaming and honking their horns and throwing stuff at the screen. I mean, small little Douglas doesn't know that this is going to be a Woody Allen "prank the audience" sort of a film. They don't know. How could they? So the manager has to come out and say to everybody there "LOOK, THIS IS THE MOVIE YOU PAID FOR!" People were pissed! So about 2/3rds of the packed audience had left by the time Woody Allen finally popped up on the screen and explained the movie. HA! So my dad was one of the 1/3rd who stayed and for that he was awarded the rare honor of actually watching Woody Allen's first film at a drive-in the day it came out.

Crazy.

I love this flick.

Great stuff. Really great.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Part One ...

This week's free movie is a crrrazy documentary from the seventies. This is (kind of) a request.

Enjoy ...

"Grey Gardens is a 1975 American documentary film by Albert and David Maysles. Ellen Hovde and Muffie Meyer also directed, and Susan Froemke was the associate producer. The film depicts the everyday lives of two reclusive socialites, a mother and daughter both named Edith Beale, who lived at Grey Gardens, a decrepit mansion at 3 West End Road in the wealthy Georgica Pond neighborhood of East Hampton, New York.

Edith Ewing Bouvier Beale (1895–1977), known as 'Big Edie', and her daughter Edith Bouvier Beale (1917–2002), known as 'Little Edie', were the aunt and the first cousin, respectively, of former U.S. First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. The two women lived together at Grey Gardens for decades with limited funds in increasing squalor and isolation. The house was designed in 1897 by Joseph Greenleaf Thorpe and purchased in 1923 by Big Edie and her husband Phelan Beale. After Phelan left his wife, Big Edie and Little Edie lived there for more than 50 years. The house was called Grey Gardens because of the color of the dunes, the cement garden walls, and the sea mist.

Throughout the fall of 1971 and into 1972, their living conditions—their house was infested by fleas, inhabited by numerous cats and raccoons, deprived of running water, and filled with garbage and decay—were exposed as the result of an article in the National Enquirer and a cover story in New York Magazine after a series of inspections (which the Beales called 'raids') by the Suffolk County Health Department. With the Beale women facing eviction and the razing of their home, in the summer of 1972 Jacqueline Onassis and her sister Lee Radziwill provided the necessary funds to stabilize and repair the dilapidated house so that it would meet village codes. Albert and David Maysles became interested in their story and received permission to film a documentary about the women, which was released in 1976 to wide critical acclaim. Their direct cinema technique left the women to tell their own stories.

Also, as you'll notice when you see the film, these women be crrrrazy!"

I maaaaay post another movie either later tonight or tomorrow. Maybe.

So stay tuned.

Friday, March 14, 2014

My Tattoo (Postponed) ...

I have had a tattoo idea for a few decades now. It's a damn good idea. And last year my wife got it in her head to make that idea a reality.

Basically it's a cheesy ass armband bicep tattoo that's popular with douchebags and bros who lift ...

... but instead of some tribal crap or some razor design, it will be theater seats and right outside my arm will be Mike and the 'bots from Mystery Science Theater 3000!

A pretty great idea, I think.

But I never expected to be able to afford getting yet another bad movie tattoo. Like I said, my wife tried to get me the tattoo last year on my birthday but we didn't have the money back then. Now, though, we most definitely have the money and we WERE going to go and have it done today.

Unfortunately, however, my son has a naaaasty stomach bug, one that has been completely laying waste to a majority of the grown up fellow employees of my wife's job right now. This is a SEVERE illness. It's nasty. And it's really sad thinking about my Maxwell having to learn what vomiting is, you know? But, thankfully, my boy is slowly on the mend.

Sadly, I cannot in good faith ask my sick two year old to be cool with hanging out at some dude's house while I get drawn on for a few hours, not to mention the fact that the guy who was going to do my tat has a young daughter who just had surgery, so it's probably not the best idea to have my sick son hanging out with someone who just got cut open. Right?

So my kickass MST3K tattoo will have to be put on hold.

Next friday. Definitely.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Poor Sick Baby ...

This is Maxwell a few days ago, happy as can be.

He definitely does NOT look like that now.

My son is sick. and I mean like vomiting in a bucket sort of sick.

I knew something was up when he didn't want to eat his cereal. This boy devours cereal. He's like Undertaker at Wrestlemania with his cereal. He's been known to have three or four big bowls in a single morning. But yesterday he just didn't want to eat. Slight fever, sure, but he was hyper and running around an playing, so I thought nothing of it. Then he fell asleep, woke up, and vomited his first "real" vomit. It was big, dark, chunky, and it even smelled like an adult vomit. And that was the first time. I'd guestimate that he vomited about seven or eight times yesterday.

It was bad. Things were bad.

After his third vicious hurl he looked at me with his sad and sweaty and even slightly pale looking face, he held his little hands up, and he shrugged, as if to say "Why, daddy?" He doesn't know what's going on. He's only two. He's never vomited before. He has no idea what this feeling is. And, stupid daddy, I didn't have an answer for him. All I could say was "I'm sorry."

My poor sick baby.

This HAS to be because of the lack of breast feeding. See, being breast fed is so healthy and when my wife was home and he was able to breast feed all throughout the day my son NEVER got sick. However, since my wife works so frequently now, my son isn't being breast fed as much and as a result he's experiencing his first dry heaves and projectile vomiting.

But, despite his fever, he woke up early and actually walked around a bit this morning. For the last half of yesterday he would just say on the couch like a zombie, moving only to vomit or be carried to the bathroom. But this morning he was walked around, hugging people, and he even played a little bit. He even drank water without violently vomiting all over the living room. So, hopefully, he's a little boy on the recovery tip.

Still, though, try and keep my son in your thoughts today. Positive vibes. I find that helps a lot.

Thanks.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Things I've Been Doing Lately As A Stay-At-Home Dad ...

-Hiding in the covers whenever Maxwell thinks an invisible monster is coming.

-Slowly watching all of Arrested Development.

-Watching a LOT of the Despicable Me movies.

-Getting a lot of new songs from bands I've never gotten into before: The Lilingtons, The Ergs, Chixdiggit!, Stereotypewriter, The Queers.

-Watch a lot of Super Why.

-Preparing Isabela for whatever crazy spirit day she has at school. For example, this is a picture from her Crazy Hair and Crazy Hat Day. Notice how I killed two birds with one awesome stone ...

-Playing superhero with Maxwell.

-Watching a lot of old school Sesame Street.

-I have noticed that for the first time ever Maxwell is playing with his toys in the bath with coherent plot lines and good guys and bad guys. So I take notice of what he's doing and post the plot lines on my facebook page under the title "TODAY IN THE BATH." Good stuff. It's popular, too. I think I might try and spin it into something like maybe a new blog or something.

-Occasionally forgetting that I own stupid dogs.

-Cleaning up all the messes and doing all the dishes and washing all the clothes. In fact, it's pretty amazing how quickly the roles have changed in my family. I used to be the full time employee of a major corporation, getting tortured by the system, coming home mentally and physically exhausted while my wife did all the cleaning. Now I'm the one doing all the cleaning and she's the one coming home and falling asleep. Sigh. Oh well.

-Watching a lot of superhero cartoons.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Various Sentences (And Cleavage Shots) ...

-I am disgusted by how many times my family and I say "AWWWW, that's so CUUUUUTE" while watching the Animal Planet show Too Cute.

-I have extremely successful storytimes that bring in customers and money into the store and I really go all out for each and every single one of them ... and it doesn't seem as if any of the managers particularly care.

-My wife tried to get me to look at a picture in her medical textbook the other day and I was like NOOOOOOOO because I have been burned by that shit before and I don't particularly feel like feeling extremely paranoid about some hideous disease all day, thank you very much.

-My man Adam Warrock's new album "The Middle of Nowhere" is amazing - and a few songs really made me think, too.

-My birthday is two saturdays from now on the 22nd, FYI.

-Shawnee, Oklahoma has recently started a recycling program ... but, since this is the midwest, almost everyone hates it and doesn't trust the system and pretty much every street is littered with the ridiculously small recycling bins that have been abandoned by the slack-jawed yokels that refuse to trust the "gubmint".

-We grounded my oldest daughter from all electronics and, without having her face buried in a Nook or a tablet all day, I can't remember when she was ever this nice and friendly to me.

-I took this picture of a scene from Phineas and Ferb because it perfectly describes how I feel after a day of taking care of the kids ...

-Netflix just suggested that I might like a documentary called "Hip Hop Life" because Netflix KNOWS that I'm a serious hardcore ass brotha from the streeetzzzzz!

-Seriously, guys, how HORRIBLE does this look ...

-I honestly feel that, while America as a whole has greatly improved in its feelings towards blacks and asians and other races, it is still widely acceptable to be extremely racist towards Mexicans and Mexican-Americans and pretty much anyone who even looks remotely Mexican, like me.

-I am really proud with the level of awesome that has been regularly coming out of this blog lately.

-DAMMMIT, Netflix, I don't want to watch "Arrow" so stop showing me some emaciated looking male model's nipples, okay?!?

-You should sign up for the chat room on the right side of this blog and chat with me so that I don't get lonely.

... aaaaand, just to get some cheap page views to this place, here's some awesome gratuitous cleavage pictures:

There.

Catch you later, everybody.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Maxwell's First Ice Cream Cone ...

We took him to Braum's and gave him his very own ice cream cone.

Being breast fed still, Maxwell has never cared too much for dairy products. So this was a big step for him.

Check it out ...

Good stuff.

Fuzzy pictures, yes, but good stuff nonetheless.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

Dood! Cheesy ass grindhouse movie! For free!

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from Apocalypse Later Film and Bad Film Day.com and my own bad movie knowledge ...

"The Corpse Grinders is an infamous 1971 horror film directed by Ted V Mikels about cat food that is made out of human flesh that turns cats into killing machines. It rocks. The film stars Sean Kenney, Monika Kelly, Sanford Mitchell and J Byron Foster.

Ted V Mikels is a bad movie legend, known for movie titles that at times outshone the actual movies. I mean, who can resist titles like Blood Orgy of the She Devils, The Black Klansman or The Astro-Zombies? The latter film starred John Carradine and features everything but the kitchen sink. In comparison, today's film has a couple of cats and a corpse grinding machine that cost about $17 to make. The most experienced actor in the cast was Vincent Barbi, an Italian ex-prize fighter who played Al Capone as far back as 1955 and proceeded to rack up small roles in films from War and Peace to Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song. Yet this is the film that has gone down as Mikels' most remembered in a long career of filmmaking.

The film looks cheaply made, and has many unintentionally funny moments as a result. It also has an extrrrrremely sleazy feel to it, particularly with the creepy, odd characters. Their bad acting and strange faces only add to the creepy, snuff film sort of slime the film seems to resonate. Surprisingly, there’s very little gore or nudity here, which is pretty surprising. In a way it's like a cheaper 'Carry On Screaming' but without the jokes, or perhaps a cat-centric Sweeney Todd, which is a pretty sweet idea, you know?

Nevertheless, this is a funny and intriguing and fairly spooky movie. It's also cheap as hell and pretty stupid, but that's why this movie is fun."

I Have Found The Saddest Car In Oklahoma ...

"I HATE MY LIIIIIIIIFE! KILL MEEEE!"

Freaking sad, right?

It's a rare thing for a car to make me want to cry.