Took that picture at the supermarket. I'd like to think it's my biography.
Things are good with me right now. I got dark for a while there. Pretty goddamn dark. I started cutting myself again. Hard. I even contemplated doing some really bad things. It was bad.
But I'm turning things around. Instead of waiting to be picked up, I'm just picking myself up. I'm trying to be more of a Yes Man in my life. Be bold. Be different. Do things that I wouldn't normally do. Have friends. Meet people. Have a life that's actually worth living.
I mean, things are pretty confusing with me right now.
But it's a good sort of confusion.
More soon ...
I'm going to try to talk about things as lightly as I can. Ok? Ok.
My wife and I are still together.
But it's been a long and difficult eleven years that we've been together. So we're going to be together and we're going to be parents together to our three (and a half) children. We will hold hands and kiss and share the same bed and live our lives together.
But we will also make a more conscious effort to have our own lives as well.
Which sucks for me because I have no life.
My wife needs this. She needs some time, some quality time away from me and away from the kids, to try and figure out who she is and what she wants in life. She had our oldest when she was just a teenager. I came in and scooped up the daddy position when she was just a year old, but that means that we started dating when Natasha was still fairly young. She needs some space. And so do I.
I need to try and have a life now.
So this is me, a 37 year old married father of three who is now trying to have his own life.
I'm trying to be positive here. Trying to see this as an exciting new opportunity for a better and fuller life and not just a sad set of unfortunate circumstances.
I really wish that I was back in Sacramento for this. I had more friends there and more opportunities to go out and do things and make friends and stuff. It's going to be much harder for me to make friends and have a life when I'm in the middle of racist Nowhere, Oklahoma. But I deserve this.
I deserve to have my own life. I've spent almost an entire year as a stay at home dad, working 1-3 days a week while my wife works and meets new people and goes out and has fun and parties. I love my kids and I will continue to be there for them, but dammit I deserve a life, too.
I'm looking to my former crush Heather as my hero and my source of inspiration during this. Heather, as I've mentioned before, is an old friend from my young Arizona days who spends most of her time now traveling the world and living this fabulous life and blogging her adventures. She has an amazing life of travel and adventure and it makes me highly jealous. But she is living a life that she wants to live. I have a right to do the same.
I can't afford insane worldwide travel, obviously. But that doesn't mean that I cannot TRY to live, you know?
Anyway, I have some friends here. Not a lot, but I have some. The people at work are nice. I'm going over to Lori's house this weekend sometime to hang out. She's nice and she's actually invited me over there a number of times but I've always blown her off. Plus I met someone, this girl in Tulsa named Bekah. We like the same stuff and she's funny and we're going to hang out sometime soon. She lives in Tulsa, which is where one of my church followers lives, so maybe I can visit him, you know? Plus I'm going to start regularly going to the movies and not wait for the family to go with me or wait to see the movie with my wife. Screw that. I love movies and I want to be able to see them.
This is me.
This is my adventure.
Rubber Soul was the sixth album by The Beatles. It was recorded in four weeks and, unlike the albums that before it, it was recorded during a specific period of time and not haphazardly rushed in between tour dates or movies or junk. It is often listed as one of the greatest albums in music history.
It is also the world's greatest and most upbeat breakup album ever released.
Lets break it down ...
1. "Drive My Car" McCartney with Lennon 2:25
This is about a conceited woman who hires a driver for her before even owning a car. Typical chick.
2. "Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)" Lennon with McCartney 2:01
Woman toys with your emotions so you burn her house down. Cleansing fire. Good times.
3. "You Won't See Me" McCartney 3:18
WIKIPEDIA SEZ: "The song is about a crisis in McCartney's relationship with his then-girlfriend Jane Asher. She was rejecting him by not returning phone calls and ignoring him — for once, he was in a vulnerable position. The more biting tone of the song marks a change away from his earlier, happier love songs." Sooooo it's about a bitch.
4. "Nowhere Man" Lennon with McCartney and Harrison 2:40
I have dated MAAAAAANY women that have left me feeling like this. Hell, I feel like this NOW!
5. "Think for Yourself" (George Harrison) Harrison 2:16
This song is utterly epic. Now, granted, the song is prrrobably about former Beatles drummer Pete Best and his libel suit, but in my opinion this is the absolute best song ever written for a man whose girlfriend is cheating in him. The lines come fast and furious: "you're telling all those lies about the good things that we can have if we close our eyes," "I left you far behind, the ruins of the life that you have in mind" and "I know your mind's made up, you're gonna cause more misery." This is the EPICENTER of Rubber Soul as breakup album. In fact, I'm shocked that more people don't rock this after a breakup and after some woman has once again broken your heart.
6. "The Word" Lennon and McCartney with Harrison 2:41
This is the rebound. This is the one night stand. This is the forcing yourself to get out there and meet people. This is the thrilling rush of a new relationship. It's a brief moment of happiness in a fairly dark album. Enjoy the fleeting lust while you can. You deserve it.
7. "Michelle" McCartney 2:33
I had a Michelle in high school. I was in love with her and she was in love with a handful of my friends. This song is a longing of times gone by and women gone by. Sad remembrances.
1. "What Goes On" (Lennon–McCartney–Richard Starkey) Starr 2:47
This is another bold breakup song a la Think For Yourself and it would easily be as awesome as that song were it not a cheesy country rock song sung by freaking Ringo. Lyrics like "You are tearing me apart/When you treat me so unkind/What goes on in your mind?" perfectly drves home my theory that this song is alllllll about how horrible women are.
2. "Girl" Lennon 2:30
Unrequited love, that pain you have in your chest from loving someone and wanting to be with them and thinking they're your soulmate but having her hate your guts. The line "Was she told when she was young that pain would lead to pleasure" is a perfect example of the majority of my relationships with women, unfortunately.
3. "I'm Looking Through You" McCartney 2:23
Another great breakup, a classic, with lyrics like "You don't look different, but you have changed" and "love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight."
4. "In My Life" Lennon and McCartney 2:24
This is a slight break in the breakup album, like how the previous song The Word was. This song is a touching look back at where you've been before and where you are now.
5. "Wait" Lennon and McCartney 2:12
According to wikipedia: "The lyrics describe the singer's anxieties about his relationship with his girlfriend while he is away." Man! I hear that!
6. "If I Needed Someone" (Harrison) Harrison 2:20
It sounds like a positive love song about wanting to be with someone, sure, but the important word here is that IF. IF I need someone then you're the one that I would be with, IF, but that if means that you don't need someone else to dictate who you are and what you do.
7. "Run for Your Life" Lennon 2:18
This is the final epic song of the album and it is the greatest. The line "Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl, than to be with another man" is probably the single greatest breakup line ever written.
I will be rocking this song today.
And if your heart is utterly broken then you should rock it, too.
Yesterday all three of my kids, with the exception of my "other daughter" Amber, were sick at the doctor's office.
This is the run down:
Emerald just has allergies and needs to actually take the allergy medicine we get for her that she never takes.
Isabela has strep throat and, in lieu of ten days of medicine, we opted for a "one and done" shot. So instead of missing about a week she will miss one more day, today, and be free to go back tomorrow.
Maxwell has a very scratchy throat but did not test positive for strep, so me may have the aaaaabsolute beginnings of strep. High fever, crankiness, and a general sense of batshit freakout panic mode.
So today Emerald is at school and mommy is at work. That leaves me with my two youngest for the day, which isn't that bad. The shot Bela got yesterday has turned her intense throat pains into nothing more than a raspy college party girl voice. Maxwell woke up early straight freaking out but after some water and some fever medicine he was right as rain.
Anyway, Bela doesn't want to watch anything and I can't for the life of me get my son to stand still to watch ANYTHING, so we've been outside for a while. Usually I don't dig the heat being this hot, a far cry from my Arizona days, but Oklahoma has this face slapping humidity that Arizona is lacking. I've probably said this before but I would gladly do an Arizona 111-degree day before doing an Okie 91-degree day.
It's a pretty day, despite the heat. Maxwell and Isabela are playing in the front yard. I'm drinking coffee and typing in the shade while watching the wind pick up pieces of random nature from the forest next to our house (Random Nature: small twigs, pieces of dandelions, leaves, ect.) and gently toss them around the air like a miniature snowstorm of heat.
I'm also rocking some pretty depressing tunes ...
Things are rough for me right now.
Aaaaaand I honestly don't think that I can elaborate any further.
Here, let me tread lightly and tell you guys a story ...
All my life I have had a problem with telling the truth. As a young child I just could not comprehend the fact that there were things that, although true, I could not and should not share with other people.
EXAMPLES: There was a close family friend that we all thought looked like a monster, so one day, and I must have been seven or eight years old, I told him that and it brought extreme tension and drama to the family. I didn't get how what I did was bad since it was the truth. Then, in eight grade, I had a girlfriend that my parents hated, so I told her that and it basically ruined our relationship as well as the lifelong friendship that our parents once had for each other.
I just had the hardest time understanding how there were things my parents and family said that I couldn't turn around and share with everyone. I couldn't comprehend that. If it was the truth, then why should I hide it from people?
And now, look at me, I am a 37 year old with his own religion who hopes to WOOD that the kids don't go around trying to explain that to all these white bread christian midwest freaking yuppies. I am at the exact spot where my parents once were.
I am my parents. Gawd, how crazy is that?
Anyway, this part of me that always thirsted for absolute truth went NUTS when I first heard about blogs. I had just come off of a nasty realtionship and I thought that having a place where I could be 100% honest would help me feel better. That was in 2002 and that was a looooooong time ago.
My blog, like the old hideous monster once known as Madonna, has evolved into a lot of different things since 2002, like a place to watch free movies, a place to share free music, a place where I can deal with my PTSD, a place to share funny pictures, a place where I can deal with cutting and bipolar disorder, a place to vent about problems at work, a place for my own strange pet projects, and, the most popular variation of my blog by far, a place to stare at boobs.
But, regardless of what form my blog may take, it's always been a brutally honest blog, an unflinching and sometimes childish and sometimes depressing and sometimes extremely honest look into my own brain. This blog IS my life. It is a direct representation of myself, of who I am and what I like and who I want to be.
That is why it deeply infuriates me that, for a little over a decade now, there has been a MAJOR part of my life that I absolutely CANNOT write about on this blog.
Last night I probably came the closest I've ever come to just becoming that little kid again and just telling everyone absolutely everything.
I didn't, of course.
But one day I'm afraid I will.
Look. Just keep me in your thoughts or pray or whatever it is you do. Do that. Do that for me, okay?
Wish me luck.
Kids gone to school at 7:30 am.
Maxwell and I leave Shawnee, Oklahoma at 7:35 am.
Thanks to 18+ hours of cartoons and movies in the "Maxwell Stuff" folder on my computer, my son was quiet as hell for an hour and a half, then fell asleep for an hour, then woke up happy as heck and ready to see mommy.
Dallas, Texas at 10:45, then leave the hotel at 11:15.
Food, then home at 2:45, just in time for a small bit of rest before I pick up my youngest daughter from the bus stop.
My wife is home, my son is happy, and everything is alright.
About an hour ago I was washing my son and, worried, I told him, "Hey, Maxwell? I know that mommy's home and everything but ... pllllllease don't hate me now that she's back. You push me away for her and you treat me mean and I just ..." but I stopped, figuring that this little two year old boy just wouldn't understand the words that were coming out of my mouths.
He grabbed my hand and said "I like you, daddy. We still fwends."
I hugged him.
Things are good.
But the longer my wife is gone, the more my son doesn't see her, the more my son really does want and need me instead of her and this morning, a first, I was actually able to get him to go potty and then rock him to sleep in the space of about ten minutes.
Sure he fell asleep on my chest and face and it made me feel HIGHLY claustrophobic but the important part here is that I put him back to sleep and that is definitely a win in my book.
Now I am facing another parenting challenge. This time it's a BIG one and not just my own parental paranoia ...
Tomorrow I drive to Dallas to pick up my wife.
I will be taking my son with me.
Just me and my son doing a three hour drive in the middle of the day.
I don't know if I can do this.
When we did the drive the last time, my son did wonderfully SOLELY BECAUSE my wife drove as I spent about 65% of the time talking and playing with our fussy little one, then he fell asleep right before we got to the airport and slept all the way home.
This time, however, I will NOT be able to spend as much time talking with him and joking around with him. I can't focus solely on my son when I'm driving.
How the hell am I supposed to do this?
This is going to suck.
So I am currently in the process of filling my brand spanking new laptop with as many kiddie crap and monster movies as I can: Spongebob, Destroy All Monsters, Aladdin, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, Fantasia 2000, Captain America, Cars, Son of Godzilla and much much more.
I'm hoping that by filling my laptop with movies and cartoons and crap and having it propped up between the two front seats of my car that I will set up a little makeshift movie theater for him that will distract him enough to do this drive IN THE DAYTIME without freaking out too much.
Wish me luck.
On Saturday, May 17th, 2014 I got off at 2:30 and booked ass to the massive IMAX 3D screen at the legendary Warren Theater in Moore, Oklahoma.
THIS is the shirt I chose to wear (and I am PROUD to state that my son can name all the monsters except the lame ass Jet Jaguar) ...
I got to the IMAX over an hour before the movie was set to start and yet the line was going from the IMAX theater on the far right side of the massive complex all the way thru the lobby of the main theater and on to the complete opposite side. The line was huuuuuuuuge.
There were so many little kids and families and parents and grandparents taking kids WAAAAY too young to be seeing this film. There was a little kid in line behind me that was crying because he thought he was seeing Spider-Man and didn't want to see Godzilla. That fucking bitch.
However, all credit to the Warren Theater, despite the massive line I waited in I still got an awesome seat.
I actually sat in an aisle seat. AN AISLE SEAT!!!It's been fucking YEEEAAARRRSS since I've gotten an aisle seat! Seriously! My damn WIFE always gets the aisle. And when I'm not with my wife and yet I'm with my kids they're always bitching and fighting to see who gets it.
So I never get it. But I got it at Godzilla and that meant a lot to me.
The IMAX theater there holds 600 people and it was completely sold out. The place was packed! I forgot why I don't see movies when they come out. I sat next to a southern guy with a lisp and his five veeeeerrrry young kids. There were so many "bros" and white yuppies and annoying little kids, I started getting claustrophobic! AND NONE OF THESE PEOPLE actually LIKE GOJIRA! Posers!
The whole thing really freaked me out. I kept trying to remind myself that A) I deserved this, and B) this was an important movie for me. I absolutely cannot remember when the last time was that I saw a movie in theaters the weekend it came out, not including Capt. America at the drive in. So it was maddening and claustrophobic but totally worth it.
Incidentally, this was the FOURTH Godzilla movie I've seen in theaters the weekend it came out: Godzilla 1985, the crappy American Godzilla abortion, Godzilla 2000, and now this.
It was a fucking amaaaaaazing movie.
Gotta love the Warren Theater, those guys reeeeaaaally went all out. On my way out I managed to get a selfie with the star of the movie ...
Amazing movie. Amazing theater.
I had a great ass time.
Here's the thing, tho...
THE IMAX MADE ME CRRRAZY DIZZY!!!
Seriously, halfway thru the movie I thought I was going to vomit! I was so ashamed! I got motion sickness at an IMAX!
I was vaguely ashamed. I thought it might be because I'm older now, in my late thirties, and since it's so much easier for me to get dizzy that the big IMAX screen just knocked me on my ass, but when I got home I looked up "IMAX sickness" and apparently this is a regular thing for a lot of people ...
From Reel Views.net ...
"Personally, I have never enjoyed watching a movie in an IMAX theater. It's too in-your-face. It's too overwhelming. There's the ever-present danger of motion sickness. I love roller coasters, but I don't go to movie theaters to experience them."
I'm not the only one!
Yeah, so apparently, motion sickness from watching an IMAX movie is a fairly regular thing. And although I loved the movie and had an amazing tine, the massive ass screen just made me want to vomit my guts out. I don't think I'd ever go see a movie there again. I mean, it would have to be a prrrrrrretty special movie for me to go thru all that again. Maybe Guardians of the Galaxy in August. Strong maaaaaaybe.
And HERE'S AN EASTER EGG for you: There's a split second look at a kids empty pet tank with tape on it saying the pet's name: Mothra.
Doubt any of these damn Okies saw that!
My wife knows I saw it.