NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

This week's film is a fairly interesting 1970's made-for-tv horror thriller that has since developed a cult following ... amongst people who are obsessed with fairly forgettable tv movies, I guess.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia gods ...

"Satan's School for Girls is a 1973 made-for-TV horror film directed by David Lowell Rich, produced by Aaron Spelling, and starring Pamela Franklin, Kate Jackson, and Cheryl Ladd. The film has been named as one of the most memorable TV movies of the 1970s, although you wouldn't know it from watching this only fairly interesting yawner.

The film opens with a mysterious person chasing a student, Martha Sayers. The same day, the police and her sister Elizabeth find her hanged in her room. The police rule her death as an unmotivated suicide, but Elizabeth refuses to believe this and investigates further. She decides to visit the exclusive academy that Martha attended, The Salem Academy for Women, despite warnings from Martha's roommate, Lucy Dembrow. Under the assumed name of Elizabeth Morgan, she enrolls at the college"


Satan's School for Girls by MargaliMorwentari

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGER: 8-Year-Old Isabela Galindo ...

Hello. I'm Isabela! I'm 8 years old and I like to eat pizza!

I love my dad he is awesome! He and I love watching bad movies together. He works at a bookstore. You should go to his work to see story time! I love going to story time with my daddy!

I love my dad. Very much! He is so awesome! He is doing the dishes right now. He likes to work!

We are all watching a cooking show right now. Now I'm hungry. I am going to get a banana now. Yummy!!

I don't like people that think Harry Potter is evil. I love Attack on Titan! It is so cool! It is so awesome! Me and my sister Emerald and Amber watched Attack on Titan together. It is so cool!

Wow, I wrote 5 sentences!

My favorite movie is How to Train Your Dragon. I love the movie, the book, the figures. I love them all!

My dad goes crazy when he watches Rock of Ages. The movie. I like watching it with him. Nobody else does. It's really bad.

I love, love, LOVE kittens!!! They are my favorite animal! If they are baby or not I would still love them! I love, love, love puppies, too! They are so cute! If they are a baby or not! I love all animals! They are just so cute!

Now we are watching the forecast news. Wow. A lot of people got hurt!

I have a brother. He is a baby. He is very hyper but today he is sick. And his name is Maxwell. Poor Maxwell!

Now we are watching The Lego Movie. It is so awesome! "Everything is awesome! Everything is cool when you're part of a team!" It's so funny! My favorite character is Wildstyle. She is so cool! Very cool!

Well by by!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Been Busy ...

Haven't been blogging too much lately.

I've been busy.

The head of the children's department at my work is out on disability, which means that I have suddenly gone from a stay at home dad who works a mere 9-14 hours a week to a very stressed out, 18-35 hours a week hard working employee who is also struggling to be a stay at home dad and cook and clean and everything else.

I miss being at home and spending the day with Maxwell and the girls.

But hey. I need the hours.

Today I'm apparently going in to do a special storytime, which mans that technically this will be my sixth day in a row of work. I think.

Wow.

I am so awesome.

But hey. I'll make it up to you. I'll get Davy Jones for your school dance.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

This week's film is one of those foreign films that was completely re-cut and destroyed for its American release. It's ... interesting.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from the wikipedia god, 1000 Misspent Hours, and my own bad movie knowledge ...

"Creature of the Walking Dead is a 1965 American film directed by Jerry Warren (March 10, 1925 – August 21, 1988), an American film director, producer, editor, screenwriter, cinematographer and actor. Warren was noted for his involvement in many cult films. He has been described as 'one of cult film's most frustrating and maligned members.'

This confusing film originally started as a 1960 low budget Mexican language film directed by Fernando Cortes called 'La Marca Del Muerto" but low budget auteur Warren purchased the American rights and added new scenes featuring American actors, resulting in this tragic hatchet-job on an otherwise lost Mexican horror film.

Creature of the Walking Dead features astonishingly little conventional dubbing, apparently because Warren didn’t feel like hiring more than one voice-actor of each gender to undertake the task. Warren’s inserted scenes are more than simply meandering, shitty, and incomprehensible. Most of the time during this film, we’re left to make do instead with Martin Malthus expostulating over the scenes in rambling voiceovers, whether he’s even present in the scene or not.

If Fernando Cortes ever met Warren face to face, I hope he gave him a good, hard kick in the shins."


Creature of the Walking Dead by MargaliMorwentari

The Flight Of The Conchords And The Muppets ...

Flight of the Conchords is a New Zealand-based comedy duo composed of Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement. The duo's comedy and music became the basis of a BBC radio series and then an American television series, which premiered in 2007 on HBO, also called Flight of the Conchords.

They are funny as hell ...

After their show went off the air, the duo unofficially went their separate ways to pursue solo projects. Jemaine Clement has been in a number of films, most notably as the bad guy in the somehow not terrible Men in Black 3 and plays the villain in both of the Rio animated films.

Bret McKenzie served as music supervisor for previous two Muppet films. In fact, he actually won an Academy Award for Best Original Song for the song "Man or Muppet" from the first film ...

The sequel came out earlier this year. Although it wasn't as big a financial success as the first film, the film received positive reviews from film critics and was just featured in The Onion AV Club's list of The best films of 2014 (so far).

Also, the music of Muppets Most Wanted is EXTRRRRREMELY Conchord-ian.

See, the song "Man or Muppet" might have seemed like a funny song to most but, as a FOTC fan, it sounded like probably the closest I would ever get to hearing brand new Flight of the Conchords music. It's basically a brand new Flight of the Conchords song but written for the Muppets.

And this new Muppet movie brought even MORE new Conchords music in Muppet form.

And no song in the new movie sounds more like a Flight of the Conchords song than this one ...

Here's the song ...

Constantine: Anything You Want

There.

Don't say I never did anything for you.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Things I Have Learned Living In The Midwest ...

-That people call sodas "pop" here and they do it un-ironically.

-That you legally cannot buy alcohol or a car on a Sunday in the state of Oklahoma. Because Jesus?

-That 75% of the people that drive on a Sunday will drive 5-10 miles UNDER the speed limit. Again, because Jesus?

-If you work in retail and you ask a customer if they want a bag, they will be confused because they call them "sacks" out here.

-A surprisingly large number of people have moved to Oklahoma in a direct attempt to flee the hideous state of California. In this, I am not alone.

-A fairly sizable chunk of the people here are Christian.

-Almost all the Christians will automatically ASSUME that everyone else they meet is ALSO a Christian. They just assume.

-Low point beer is sold throughout Oklahoma, making the beer I drink here much weaker than the beer in Arizona or California (important to remember when visiting relatives)

-Guns. Lots of them.

-That turning left from the right hand lane or right from the left hand lane is perfectly acceptable as long as you're white skinned and make an "I'm So Sorry" wave to the people you're upsetting.

-That there's dinner and there's "supper" and there's a difference and it's stupid.

-A surprisingly large percentage of the population here, although they are probably right wing religious nutjobs, have absolutely no problem with a Mexican man who has his own religion.

-For some unknown reason, Monster energy drink is crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazy popular.

-The easiest way to tell a regular person from a conceited bro douchebag is by checking to see if they have a Monster energy drink decal on the back of their vehicle.

-Sometimes it will seem as if there's a zombie invasion, except the zombies have been replaced by withered 80 to 90 year olds.

-People seem to be able to get away with a LOT as long as they're driving a pickup truck.

-If you are brown skinned, do NOT smile at a passing police vehicle! They WILL hit a hard u-turn, ride your ass, and try to think up a reason to pull your ass over. I have unfortunately learned this the hard way, so trust me. If you are white and/or female, no problem. Smile at whoever you want. But if you are a minority, keep your smile to yourself.

-Although a lot of people are Republican, there is a sizable Democratic and Libertarian population in the midwest. However, all Republicans in the midwest will, as with Christianity, AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME that EVERYONE ELSE is a Bible loving, God fearing, Obama hating Republican like they are. They just assume. A lot of assumptions here.

-Think twice before passing a truck because there's a 75% chance that they will take it personally and make your life a living hell.

-For many people, front lawns are just storage.

-Half the population sees the speed limit as way too fast while the other half of the population sees it as being a very slow suggestion. Also, at any given time, both of those groups of people are probably both in front of and behind you on the freeway.

-That everything is the same and yet slllllllllightly different, but it's best not to think about it because it WILL drive you crazy.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

This week's free church-less movie is an old school 3D horror film from the early fifties.

It seems moody and atmospheric and Gothic and fun and I Can't wait to see it.

Enjoy ...

Liberally yoinked from the almighty wikipedia gods and the rotten tomato people ...

"The Maze is a 1953, atmospheric horror film in 3-D. Directed by William Cameron Menzies, the director of last week's film Invaders from Mars, the film was distributed by Allied Artists Pictures an starred Richard Carlson, Veronica Hurst, Katherine Emery and Michael Pate.

The hero of The Maze turns out to be a giant frog. Seriously! But that's hardly the most unbelievable aspect of this strange, original, one-of-a-kind horror melodrama.

The film begins when Scotsman Gerald McTeam (Richard Carlson) is called away to his ancestral mansion just before his marriage to Kitty (Veronica Hurst). Several weeks pass before it dawns on Kitty and her aunt Mrs. Murray (Katherine Emery, who narrates the film) that Gerald may not be coming back. The two women head to the mansion, where Gerald refuses to see them. The household servants likewise refuse access to Kitty and her aunt, but the two women intend to get to the bottom of the mystery, the solution of which seems to be somewhere in the huge maze in the rear of the castle. And that's all that can be revealed without giving the game away.

This was to be the second 3-D film designed and directed by William Cameron Menzies, who was known as a director with a very 'dimensional' style (e.g. many shots are focused in layers). This would be his final film as production designer and director."


The Maze (1953) by MargaliMorwentari

By the way, this is post #2,300 on this blog since it started in 2002.

That is pretty epic.

Just thought you should know.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Another Trip ...

This week is going to be yet another difficult one for me.

Yay for that.

First off, my wife is gone. She left this afternoon. She is once again heading off to one of the two Scentsy conventions that the Scentsy cult has each year. So my wife and her mom are road tripping their way to St. Louis to smell things and meet other sad housewives.

Not only is my wife leaving but in a day or two my best friend "Socks" will be leaving for a vacation to visit relatives.

So it's just going to be me and the kids. For a while.

Sigh.

There ARE some positives. We have a bit of money under our belt, so money's not an issue. Plus, as of right now BOTH of our cars are working (!!!) so maybe we can do a fun road trip or something. Plus, the woman in charge of the kids section at my work is seeeeeeeriously sick, which (morbidly) means more hours for me to work. And I don't want to say yay to someone being ill and in the hospital, but YAAAAAY!

So another lonely time for me.

But this one shouldn't be a challenge.

It's just going to be fun.

Friday, July 4, 2014

The Root Beer Show Returns ...

One day in October of 2008, I thought it would be strange and weird and funny and odd if I just started an online show where I reviewed root beers.

It's been almost six years (!!!) since that first episode and yet we are still randomly cranking out episodes whenever the mood strikes us.

Therefore, I am pleased to bring you EPISODE EIGHT of The Root Beer Show!

It's our LONGEST and CRRRRRAZIEST EPISODE EVER! In this episode we review two soft drinks: Flying Cauldron Butterscotch Soda (A.K.A. Butterbeer from the world of Harry Potter) and Jones Root Beer.

This episode features me, Reverend Steve, my four crazy kids, and even surprise guest appearances by Mothra and former WWE Champion The Undertaker!

Enjoy ...

This is my FAVORITE episode we've ever done. It's just a big fat bucket of fun.

And, if you're interested, here is a big ol' playlist for you featuring all eight episodes of America's greatest amateur root beer reviewing webisode ...

Episode three has boobs.

FYI.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

This week's absolutely free church-less movie of the week is a certified classic. It's a quickly filmed fifties sci-fi schlockfest which, somehow, stands the test of time and is seen not as a crappy throwaway film but as a true American classic.

Personally, I think it's crap. But fun crap.

Enjoy ...

Liberally yoinked from the almighty wikipedia monster ...

"Invaders from Mars is a 1953 American science fiction film directed by William Cameron Menzies that was developed from a scenario by Richard Blake and based on a story treatment by John Tucker Battle, who was inspired by a dream recounted by his wife. The film was produced independently by Edward L. Alperson Jr. and starred Jimmy Hunt, Helena Carter, and Arthur Franz. Invaders was then distributed by Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corp.

An Eastmancolor negative was used for principal photography, with vivid SuperCinecolor prints struck for the film's initial theatrical release to provide an oddly striking and vivid look to the film's images; standard Eastmancolor prints were used thereafter on later releases. While some film sources have claimed that Invaders was designed for the early 3-D process (it was already in production before the breakthrough 3-D film, Bwana Devil, was released), it was not filmed in or released in 3-D.

The film is notable for telling its story from the point of view of an older child in an adult world heading into crisis. Despite being a quickly shot, low-budget 1950s feature, Invaders uses occasional camera angles set lower or higher than usual to enhance the dramatic and visual impact of key scenes. Some of Menzies' set designs (notably those in the police station, the observatory, and the interiors of the Martian flying saucer) also consist of elongated structures with stark, unadorned walls, sometimes much taller than necessary, adding touches of dreamlike surrealism. The production also makes use of a unique, outre music score consisting of an ethereal, rhythmically wavering tonal composition sung in unison by a choir.

A new ending and additional scenes were added in response to various objections raised by the film's British distributor. Portions of Invaders were re-edited, and the original U. S. 'was-it-all-just-a-nightmare?' ending was dropped in favor of a more straightforward conclusion. New scenes were filmed several months after the U. S. release, including one showing the destruction of the Martian flying saucer in the sky when the Army's charges finally explode. The British release also included a re-shot and greatly expanded planetarium scene: Framed pictures can be seen hanging on the planetarium set's walls that were not there in the U. S. release; they appear to vanish and then reappear at times as the expanded and restructured scene plays out.

While the adult actors had not changed significantly for these British reshoots, child actor Jimmy Hunt has significantly grown in height and looks older and has shorter hair in these new scenes. Hunt also wears a sweater vest in them (the vest materializes about 3 minutes into the scene, at which time Dr. Kelston's necktie also appears to be retied) while he and Dr. Kelston discuss various flying saucer accounts: the Lubbock Lights and the Mantell UFO Incident."

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

God's Joke On Me ...

God is trolling me today.

Sigh.

This was my day ... July 1st: Wake up, get coffee, blog, make breakfast, take dog out potty, not look where you're going, bump face first into a freaking malnourished horse that just happens to be hanging out right in front of my door ...

A horse.

We've had a horse in our yard all day.

Sigh.

The horse belongs to some crazy guy who lives here in town. I think I've seen him a few times. He leaves his sickly-looking horse for days or weeks at a time at the abandoned house across the street from my house. The horse eats and drinks but he's left alone in the goddamn heat for days, weeks at a time. No one really pays it any attention or cares for it at all, plus it's so damn skinny that you can see its ribs and the burrs it has stuck in its hair.

So, given the fact that its suffering and being mistreated, its no wonder that the horse escaped from its sad little prison and came to be with us today.

This must be God's joke on me. Grrrrreat.

Anyway, here are some more pics ...

I called animal control.

I didn't want to. But I did. Poor horse, constantly left all alone, all skinny and sickly.

Hopefully the guy will actually be treated nicely from now on.

Breast Milk Flavored Lollipop: The Experiment ...

So in the last post I mentioned, among other things, the fact that my good friend "Socks" had recently given me a handful of Lolliphile brand Breast Milk Flavored Lollipops.

I mentioned that I would eventually give this to my son, who still breast feeds, and see how he reacts in what I believed would be an intriguing and entertaining science experiment.

Well, it happened yesterday and I got it on video.

POINTS TO TAKE NOTE OF:

-Maxwell laughs the second he tastes it. I think that's because it does in fact taste like breast milk and he thinks that's hilarious.

-He only says it's yucky and gives it a thumbs down because his sister is an enabler.

-Bela's face when she tastes it is a fairly accurate response to the taste.

-My eyes literally flare up in a humorous and frightening way once I taste it, so look for that.

-I like how I forced my sullen tween into the video at the end.

Good video. Funny and cute.

Hope you like it.