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Thursday, March 12, 2015

Definitive Proof That Tim Burton Is Stalking Me ...

I am super serious about this, guys.

Ok.

Lets get into this ...

Recently news has broke about director Tim Burton's plans for live action version of the classic Disney movie Dumbo.

Some of you may see this as a clever move from a talented director.

I see it as the final, definitive, 1,000,000,000% absolutely truthful truth that Tim Burton has been stalking me since I've been in high school.

Am I serious about this? Mostly.

How much does he look like a rat in that picture? He's probably pondering stealing a piece of cheese.

I really enjoyed Pee-wee's Big Adventure in '85, Beetlejuice in '88, and his flawed but mostly on the money take on Batman. All good movies. No problems there.

But in 1990 he released the movie Edward Scissorhands.

I don't like that movie.

HATE is a strong word. I really dislike it. I like 300-year-old Vincent Price but that's about it. I find the film to be boring, sappy, preachy, and I don't think Johnny Depp does that good of a job with his bland, one dimensional character. I don't like it. There's so much wrong with it. Winona Rider in old women makeup? Laughable. Anthony Michael Hall as a bullying jock? HA! No way. I have never liked it, although I HAVE spend a number of years PRETENDING to like it so as not to raise the ire of various women I have boned. But I am way past the age where I would ever lie to impress someone.

I think this movie sucks.

I believe it is this, my dislike of Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands, that caused the director to start making movies SPECIFICALLY for me.

THE FOLLOWING IS ALL AAAAABSOLUTELY TRUE:

First, he make a movie based on my lifelong love of Ed Wood.

Then he followed that up with a movie based on the hyper violent trading cards I collected as a child.

Then he made a violent remake of one half of one of my favorite old school Disney animated movies. This was the first but definitely not the last time that Mr. Burton took advantage of my love for old school Disney movies.

As a child I was fascinated with the intriguing five movie Planet of the Apes series of films from the '60s and '70s. Tim Burton learned this and make a crappy remake, hoping to impress me.

In 1999, I read a fairly entertaining novel by Daniel Wallace called "Big Fish: A Novel of Mythic Proportions" and when Burton realized this, he got to work on a fairly entertaining movie version.

So far, this is a pretty amazing list of random occurrences, right?

But sadly, I am in no way done ...

As a child, I loved Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, but I was always upset that they renamed the original Roald Dahl novel to make it all about Wonka and not Charlie. So a desperate Burton made yet another crappy remake to try and impress me.

And I was in college when I first saw the 1982 live recording of the play Sweeney Todd and instantly fell in love with it. So, now obsessed with trying to win me over, he made a really good movie version of it.

And as a child I loved and cared deeply about and memorized and obsessed wildly over two classic Disney movies: Dumbo and Alice in Wonderland. So Burton made a decent reboot.

I also remember growing up watching the occasional random episode of the classic television show Dark Shadows because I was fascinated with the idea of a soap opera with a vampire. So Burton, in yet another desperate attempt to win me over, turned a classic tv show into his worst movie to date.

I remember as a child the Disney Channel would randomly show the 1984 Tim Burton short film Frankenweenie and I remember liking it. So not only did he turn that into a stop motion animated movie but he also put in a bunch of Gamera references just to please me.

I have also been fascinated by those ugly 1970s big eye paintings since I was a child. For reals.

And that was his last film.

His next film is going to be based on a teen book I sell at work that I have repeatedly expressed an interest in reading and, as recently announced, one of my favorite movies as a kid and now my son's absolute favorite film.

THESE ARE TOO MANY COINCIDENCES FOR ALL OF THIS TO BE A RANDOM COINCIDENCE!!!

Is that a proper sentence? I don't think so. But I stand by it.

This is my theory.

Tim Burton is stalking me, investigating me, looking into my life and making movies as a direct result of what he uncovers about me. This could possibly be happening as a result of my hating what is widely regarded as his best film.

Here is a possible list of Tim Burton's NEXT few films ...

Plan 9 from Outer Space
Lucha Libre
Addams Family reboot
KFC: The Movie
Ready Player One
Live action Three Caballeros remake
The Barnes and Noble Story
Community: The Movie
A remake of The Brain That Wouldn't Die
The Maxwell Galindo Story
Rocky and Bullwinkle reboot
Root Beers of the Galaxy
A gritty Rock of Ages reboot
Squirrel Girl
Big Boobs: In 3-D!
Captain Mexican-America

This is rrrrrrrrrrrrreally starting to creep me out.

Like for reals.

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