NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, January 26, 2015

A Short Play For An Upcoming Podcast ...

(DIRECTION: VERY FAST PACED!)

STEVE: (narrator voice) "There have been many visionaries in Hollywood, forward thinkers who had a singular crazy idea and with that idea they changed the face of motion pictures. This, my friends, is the story of just such a man. The time is 1960. The place? The hideous, desolate, putrid post-apocalyptic wasteland known as Los Angeles, California. A man walks into the offices of the low budget movie studio Box Office Spectaculars. This man ... has an IDEA!"

BUNNY: (stuffy studio head/fat cat) "Well well well, come in, come in young man! Tell me, what is your name again?"

STEVE: "It's Herschell, sir. Herschell Gordon Lewis."

BUNNY: "Yes yes, Herschell! Good to see you! We're all big fans of your skin flicks! The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, Daughter of the Sun, Boin-n-g! Are you here to pitch another nudie flick?"

STEVE: "Well, nooooo. I have an idea for a movie, a NEW type of movie. It's ... different."

BUNNY: (laughs/chortles) "Now see here, young man, there's no such thing as a NEW movie?!?! All movies are just ripoffs of other better movies! No one's had a new idea in this town since Al Jolson!"

STEVE: "Well, sir, no offense, but ... MY idea is ... prrrrrrrretty different."

BUNNY: "Ok then, young man, then WHAT IS your idea?"

STEVE: "My idea is ... we make a horror movie ... where this guy, he kills people, right?"

BUNNY: "Go onnnnn ..."

STEVE: "... except my idea is ... what if we ... actually SHOW the murder happening?"

(SILENCE)

BUNNY: "Mr. Lewis, are you suggesting we actually KILL PEOPLE?!?!"

STEVE: "Nonono, it's just that, well, what if we actually SHOW the murders happening? You know, like, show the blood and whatnot? No one's ever done THAT before. I call it ... GOP! ... or GORE, not sure on what I'll call it yet. I'm leaning towards gop but gore sounds good, too. Anyway, why can't we be the first to show it?"

BUNNY: "Why can't we be the first? Mr. Lewis, I'll tell you why we cannot. It would cause a panic. People would think that we were actually killing people on the screen. Horror movies never show the deeds being done. There would be riots, young man. IT CANNOT BE DONE!"

STEVE: "So you say ... (DRAMATIC MUSIC - BUNNY, CAN YOU HOOK ME UP WITH DRAMATIC MUSIC HERE!) ... but I envision a day when gore, or gop, depending, a day when my idea of gore permeates every facet of major motion pictures. Gore will be in Academy Award nominated films like Gone Girl where the woman slits the man's throat WHILE ORGASM-ING! And gore will be in Academy Award WINNING films like Saving Private Ryan where bodies are blown to bits on the beaches of Normandy. And gore will even be on your television sets in shows like Dexter and Game of Thrones. Gore, or gop, will be so popular that it will even be on your television sets in your homes and no one will bat an eye about it. Gore will be EVERYWHERE! But it must start somewhere. And it will start here. With my movie idea."

(MUSIC ENDS)

BUNNY: (coughs) "Well then ... that was a mighty fine speech, young man. A mighty fine speech. Prophetic, almost. And slightly over-winded. But I'm afraid that the answer is no."

STEVE: "... umm, how about if I make the movie for real cheap?"

BUNNY: "How cheap are we talking about here?"

STEVE: "Less than twenty five thou?"

BUNNY: "YOU'RE HIRED!"

STEVE: (Narrator voice) "And that, my invisible internet friends, is the story of Blood Feast, a really cheap movie."

THE END

Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Sickness ...

The sickness.

Yes, the sickness.

Everybody's been getting it. Everybody's been getting sick. At work people (and managers) are dropping like flies. And everyone I know has just been passing the sickness around to everybody else.

Well, this weekend has been hell.

Maxwell was sick first. He has a massive fever and was coughing like crazy. Plus he had a runny nose that just wouldn't stop. Then my oldest got hit with it. Emerald stayed home on friday because she was feeling so bad. Her voice was hell and she slept for most of the day when she wasn't at the doctor. My wife has had it on and off. And I've had it but, because I won't have sick time for a number of months, I've been working thru it. I know that's bad. I know. But I have no choice.

Well.

Today Isabela officially fell to the sickness.

We were really hoping that little Bela would somehow be immune. I mean, we're all sick as hell and she's been hyper and laughing and being all groovy. Maybe it would just pass her by, you know?

But no. It hit her. Hard.

Poor thing.

I hate the sickness.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Watching Dr. Who For The First Time: The First Episode ...

It's a strange day.

First, Emerald got sick. Then poor little Maxwell got SUPER sick. And now that he's just starting to feel better, BOOM, I get sick.

So Maxwell and I have been spending quality time at home these last few days as he struggles to get better and I get laid up with some super cold. And every day I lay here is a day I don't get paid because despite the fact that I have worked with this company for over 14 years, I do not get any sick time or vacation time or personal time for a number of months. And I think that's pretty messed up.

And then, on top of all that, my wife had to go to the city to get fingerprinted for her new job but she got a flat and since the Triple-A membership was bought for me by a friend then technically my wife isn't allowed to use it without me being present. So she's kind of screwed.

First off , why make her drive 45 freaking minutes away just to get fingerprinted for 5 seconds? No one can do that here? Secondly, this new job of hers was supposed to be a part time job but one person quit and another person quit and now she finds herself working super full time at this part time job. And this is putting a huge strain on everything else.

So everything's a mess right now, a typically huge Galindo family mess. My wife is getting a tow to go get a new tire. My son is starting to feel get hyper, which is good and all because that means he's feeling better. But my head is a balloon and I am having a hard time breathing. I'm not in a position to deal with a hyper three year old.

So.

What better time to watch my first episode of Dr. Who?

Now ...

In preparation for my first dive into this brave new world I have been reading and rereading a book at work called "Dr. Who 50" that chronicles the fifty year history of the show. It has been a huge help. It has helped me put this beginning, this first doctor, into perspective.

Man. Dr. Who. I personally find it aaaaaabsolutely fascinating that a random black and white BBC show from the sixties has managed to somehow stay relevant after fifty years.

And, despite what a few die hard "Whovians" have called a bad idea, I am excited to start at the beginning and work my way to the present day.

Alright.

The first ever episode of Dr. Who.

Lets do this ...

Opening credits last only about fifteen seconds but MAN that's a legendary theme song. I know nothing about Dr. Who but even I know that theme music.

Wow. This is crazy dark. Not dark as in it is moody and atmospheric. As in I have no idea what's going on in the beginning. At all.

The Tardis. Is that how phones looked back then? Is it a police phone call ONLY box? Did they actually have random 9-1-1 boxes scattered around the country? Do they still have those? Odd. Real odd. I wonder how many people have actually watched the first doctor. I don't think too many people have started at the beginning, you know?

Now we're at a school? College? Private school? Hogwarts?

And now we meet Susan. Sooooo she's related to the doctor? Is she an alien too then? I guess she is. She looks a lot like an ugly turtle. Whatever. I'm a bit lost by all this. And bored. I would much rather watch the fourth doctor. But ok. I'm trying to stick with this.

So the teachers are talking with the doctor. At last we meet. The first doctor. William Hartnell, I believe, or something to that effect. He's kind of a strange old smart ass. Cranky. Careless. He thinks he's better than everyone else. These are my first thoughts about him, mind you, but I think I've hit the nail on the head there.

So now they are in the Tardis. It's bigger on the inside. Like Ramona Flowers' purse. And now the teachers are learning about the Tardis.

Hey! Guess what? Tardis stands for "Time And Relative Dimension In Space."

I never knew that. Cool.

Soooooo. Arguments. Noises. Bad special effects. Like reeeeeeally bad special effects.

And now the Tardis is traveling thru time and space. And apparently what the creators of the show lacked in special effects they decided to make up for with ear piercing noise. This first Tardis trip is RIDICULOUSLY loud. Like, Spinal Tap ear bleeding loud.

They appear to be ... where? In a desert? In the stone age? In a post apocalyptic wasteland or perhaps downtown Tucson, Arizona?

And credits! Small ass credits, too. It's like only five or six people worked on this fucking thing.

Man it's over already? That episode felt like it was literally about 10 seconds long. And it ended with a cliffhanger. I feel ripped off. Gypped. Is that how you spell that word? I don't know.

And, I have to say, I really do want to watch more this show has definitely got me hooked because I want to know what happens next. Where are they? And what adventures are they going to get into in this post apocalyptic wasteland which is downtown Tucson Arizona?

This will be an interesting show to watch. I don't like the three hundred million year old first doctor. Dood looks like a geriatric cryptkeeper. Too old. I don't like it. But I am interested to see what happens next and I'm interested to get past this first plot line and get into the second plot line which is the first appearance of the Daleks. That should be fun.

I don't like how they seem to go less by your standard season of television and more by individual doctors and the plotlines within each doctor.  Like this was episode one of the first plotline which stretches for four episodes. The next plotline deals with the Daleks and it's like seven episodes? Man. It's all a lot to take in. So many different doctors and companions and plotlines and series and crap. It's a lot fir a newbie to take in. Dr. Who is essentially just British Ultraman and Ultraman is essentially just Japanese Dr. Who. This is going to be verrrrrrrrrrry difficult in the long run. I don't know if I can do it.

But, bottom line? That was a pretty damn good episode. It got me excited. And now I can't wait to watch more.

I have taken my first step into a larger world.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Watching Dr. Who For The First Time: Earning The Shirt ...

So a few days ago I announced my mad quest to watch as many episodes of Dr. Who as I could. And during that post I casually mentioned a few vague reasons why I was doing this which included childhood memories of PBS and episodes of the show Community, among others

But that's not all of it. I have another story to say. It's ... sorta personal. So I'm going to be as vague as I can about this.

Here goes ...

There was this girl. Woman. I knew her from storytime. She'd come religiously. And after I'd say a year she went from casual acquaintance to very good friend. Then from May of 2014 to about now she was a major and extremely invaluable member of my life. She helped me when I was down and really took care of me.

Now we're not talking. And I don't know if we ever will.

But last Christmas she gave me a t-shirt, one that a number of months before I had casually mentioned in passing that I would like to have. It's a shirt featuring the Pigeon from the kids book "Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus" and if you know anything about my crazy (and wildly popular) weekly storytimes then you know the Pigeon is a regular visitor.

But on the shirt the Pigeon doesn't want to drive a bus. He wants to drive a Tardis.

I have worn it only once.

I feel like I don't deserve the shirt.

I mean, sure I deserve a shirt with the Pigeon on it. Heck, the Pigeon has been visiting my storytimes for almost a decade. I deserve a Pigeon shirt. But I know nothing, aaaaaaabsolutelt NOTHING, about Dr. Who. Nothing at all. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

I don't deserve a Dr. Who shirt.

It's my intention to earn that damn shirt.

Stay tuned. "Watching Dr. Who For The First Time" starts in a day or two.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Watching Dr. Who For The First Time: An Explanation ...

Yes.

It's time.

It is time that I, Reverend Steve, watch Dr. Who for the first time.

Now let me explain my intentions ...

For a while now I have been slowly but surely watching the cult tv show Firefly for the first time and that has been wildly successful, lots of really positive feedback. People seem to like a virgin watching a cult television show with a clear, unfiltered eye.

Plus it's just fun to watch.

So why Dr. Who?

Well, for starters it's one of the longest running shows ever. It's amazing to think that it started as a strange low budget sci-fi show in the freaking SIXTIES and it still has such a loyal fan base. That's impressive and I want so desperately to jump headfirst into that world.

Also, I am obsessed with the show Community and in it the character of Abed is obsessed with a British show called "Inspector Spacetime" and I know juuuust enough to laugh at that.

Also, I vaguely remember my childhood growing up in the eighties having the fourth Doctor playing on PBS every Sunday morning. I vaguely remember watching an episode or two. The Tardis. Aliens. A rainbow scarf. Some sort of lame looking robotic dog. I have vague Dr. Who memories, vague memories of occasionally watching a few episodes but no memories of really loving it.

Now that I am older I consider that a crime. And I intend to rectify that.

So now we have come to my biiiiiiiig problem ... See, I've been saying for a long time now that eventually I would start in watching Dr. Who. The only problem is that I don't know where to start. People keep telling me that I should just start in with the sort of "reboot" in the nineties, which is all fine and dandy. But I'm O.C.D. I am a complete-ist. I can't just start in the middle of something. That's impossible for me. That is a crime, good sir. Plain and simple. I just have to have to HAAAAAAVE TO go all the damn way from the beginning to el fin, the end.

The only problem there is that, as far as I can tell, doing that with Dr. Who is prrrrretty much impossible.

So, a compromise.

I will watch as many episodes as I can from each and every doctor.

I have the first four episodes of the first Doctor on my laptop and the very first one on my cellphone as I type this.

I will be doing this. And soon.

So stay tuned ...

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Vaguely Sad Lazy Sunday ...

It's a lazy sunday. I'm spending it with my family. I woke up at 6am and set my computer to burn a dvd so that it would be ready for when my son eventually woke me up. And it worked, too. Ten minutes later I was back in bed and Maxwell woke me up at 9am. That's super late for him.

Now we're bra shopping for my oldest daughter. I'm sitting in the guy seat by the women's dressing room as we speak. I'll take a picture.

It's been a nice, lazy day with the family. We watched a few kids movies. Lots of coffee. Wrestling and horseplay in the bedroom. And then we all sat down and watched Guardians of the Galaxy for the fiftieth time. We even spent some good time at the library.

It's been a good day. A very good day.

But there's a tint of sadness to today as well. Like there's a big part of me that's missing. Like I'm focusing on my family at the expense of something else.

I just miss people is all.

I hate the man seat by the dressing rooms.

Hate hate hate.