NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Sleep Number ...

Natasha and I own a sleep number bed. It's one of the most expensive things we own. Getting the strength to spend so much on such a purchase was really an "adult" move, you know?

Natasha loves it. She really does. She loves her sleep number bed. She sleeps better than she ever did with our old pieces of shit mattresses before. Less tossing and turning and what I used to call "sleep fighting" where she'd be thrashing and kicking and I'd get accidentally punched in the face or stomach. Less of that.

Me? I like it enough. It's comfortable, sure, but I could sleep on a pile of fucking rocks. I could sleep on lava. I could sleep in the goddamn bathtub. Hell, I HAVE slept in the goddamn bathtub.

So I don't particularly care TOO MUCH for the sleep number bed. I mean, I like it. But love? See, I sleep like a rock most nights regardless of the cost of the mattress, so how much can I love a bed that cost so much? I sleep well. Period.

But the feeling you get when you're sinking into the mattress is prrrrrrrrrrretty awesome.

So I made a video to illustrate how it feels with the help of Uncle Fester.

Enjoy ...

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

Yes yes yes. I know.

It's been awhile.

Anyways, lets do this ...

"Spiders is an American science fiction/horror film.. It was directed by Gary Jones and produced by Nu Image Films. It premiered first in Argentina on June 14th, 2000 under the title Arachnophobia II. It was then screened in Tokyo, Japan on June 24th. It stars Lana Parrilla who now stars on ABC's show Once Upon A Time.

The premise of the film involves a top secret experiment to genetically alter the DNA of a rare breed of spider aboard a NASA space shuttle. After a meteor shower redirects the shuttle back towards Earth, the ship crashes with only one survivor, who is now impregnated with the venom of a genetically mutated spider. The spider hatches from the body of the doomed survivor and begins breeding, giving birth to more genetic abominations that grow in size after each kill. Mayhem ensues as a giant killer spider stomps through the streets of Los Angeles.

The utterly laughable plot and the ridiculously bad special effects make this a fairly fun bad movie."

YAAAY! FREE MOVIE TIME!

So happy to be showcasing free bad movies again. Mannnn, I haven't done a free Church-less Movie since October of last year and that was a while ago. Crazy, right?

And today's free movie is on a playlist on the YouToobies, and I loooooove making playlists because that means that there's previews and an intermission and a whole bunch of crazy fun stuff for you to watch.

So have fun ...

(and here's the meaning of the "Church-less" part for all you n00bs out there)

Wind Clan out.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Random Bullet Points (And A Free Movie) ...

Here's a few things ...

-I love that picture up there. How cute is he? Man. That's some Alice in Wonderland-level shit right there, isn't it? Ha!

-So we didn't record a podcast this week. It was my birthday last Sunday and that made my schedule a bit demanding. Sooooooo ... yeah. I always feel OFF when I miss a week of podcasting. Strange.

-Buuuuuuuut that means that there's a lot more time for you, the listener, to actually WATCH the next movie we talk about. It's the 1970s made-for-tv movie "Baffled" where the late Leonard Nimoy plays a psychic race car driver. It's pretty bad, so I've spiced it up with a bunch of previews and cartoons and an intermission and a buttload of general retro craziness! So you should watch it ...

-My wife is a Netflix junkie. She just finished binge watching the entire Walking Dead series and now she's knee neep in the NBC spy comedy Chuck which, I now remember, was prrrrrretty damn good. I'm watching one with Scott Bakula and Chevy Chase and it's pretty damn amazing.

-I just bought ULTRASEVEN. It's the Ultraman tv series that ran after the original Ultraman which my son Maxwell is in love with. So I'm pretty excited to have a brand new Ultraman series to share with him. I think it's all subtitles but still. It's pretty amazing, right? I can't wait.

-Yesterday the songs that randomly got stuck in my head ran the gamut from "You Are My Sunshine" to "(What What) In The Butt" which is a very bad song to have stuck in your head if you work in the kids section of a bookstore.

-Hey, everybody knows that I love Lucha Underground on the El Rey network, right? It's amazing. It's all the good parts of professional wrestling that WWE abandoned years ago. High intensity REAL wrestling. Talented people who are allowed to be their best and not be held back by corporations. Plus the drama part of the wrestling feels like a dirty Mexican telenovela crossed with and old school Mexican monster movie. It's an incredible show and I am really infatuated with it. I am all the in loves with it.

-Aaaaand speaking of Lucha Underground, here is the full, uncensored main event from last week's incredible main event. It's a casket match. It was one of the greatest matches that I've seen in a loooooooooong long time. You should absolutely watch it ...

-So my wife got me a bunch of really awesome gifts for my birthday. But because we THOUGHT we were moving she waited on ordering them. And that means that although my little birthday came and went without a bleep there's a big big bunch of presents randomly on their way. I just received a Make Your Own Root Beer kit which will make for a grrrrreat episode of the Root Beer Show. Ultraseven, as I said, should be here by either Monday or Tuesday. And there's more on their way. I'm pretty excited. It's like my birthday DAY sucks but that's ok because it getting extended.

-Sooooooooooo THIS is a picture of us at dinner for my birthday ...

... and THIIIIIIIS is a closer look at the angry stares we got from the old white people who populate Oklahoma ...

... I get that look AAAAAAAAAAALL the time! Connnnnnstantly! Everybody here hates the brown man. No customers trust me. I have become an expert at body language. This face is one that most customers give me when they first see me. I don't even know if they KNOW they're giving me this face. It's a subconscious thing. They see me, they see my skin, and they will subconsciously walk away from me, look away from me, women will hold their purses, men will steer their women away from me. It's sad, really.

Sigh.

That's about it. Have a good day.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

An Interview With My Two Youngest Children ...

Maxwell (3) and Isabela (9), interviewed on my couch, March 22nd, 2015.

STEVE: Maxwell, how are you?

MAX: Um, I, it me again, John Cena!

BELA: Are you interviewing him?

STEVE: I am interviewing the both of you. Maxwell, stop writing on your hand.

MAX: No! Don't call me Maxwell! (pouts)

STEVE: Why not, Maxwell? Isn't your name Maxwell?

MAX: Bela is me. (points at Bela)

BELA: No! I'm Bela! You're Maxwell. Are you saying that I'm you and Daddy is me and you're not you?

(silence)

STEVE: Max, what type of food do you like?

MAX: I like poop tarts. (makes fart noise)

BELA: And I like pizza!

STEVE: Max, what music do you like?

MAX: I like ... (sneezes)

BELA: I like the Croods music.

STEVE: The Croods music? I don't know what that is.

BELA: The Croods game music. I need Eep and Sandy.

STEVE: (sigh) Ok then.

BELA: Are you writing down everything we say?

MAX: (sneezes)

BELA: (fake sneezes)

MAX: (loud fake sneeze that sounds like "Apu")

STEVE: You guys are silly.

BELA: No, we're crazy.

MAX: No, we're ... AWESOME! (raises fist in the air) Oh no, I dropped my Lego. Daddy, you get it for me?

End of interview.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Saturday Night Live Cast Member Fonts ...

Yeah. I was bored.

So here you go ...

Tina Freestyle Script
John Berlin Sans
A. Whitney Bodoni
Bill Monotype Corsiva
Gilbert Garamond
Anthony Michael Helvetica
Dan Arial Bold
Joe Papyrus
Amy Perpetua Bold
Robert Downey Jokerman
Janeane Goudy Stout
Horatio Comic Sans
Chevy Century Gothic
Jane Clarendon
Kristen Wingdings 2
Laraine New Roman
Will Forte Forte

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Well Nevermind Then ...

Crap.

Crap crap crap crap.

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

Sigh.

Ok. So.

Our home inspection happened early Monday morning. The house looked darn good, definitely a vast improvement over the way we usually keep our house. It looked alright.

We were, however, rather unfairly marked for "filthy floors" (which were really just lightly scuffed floors, honestly) and, oh man, get a load this bullcrapsky, "debris piled up."

Do you want to know what that debris was?

It was a pile of goddamn BOXES because we've been PACKING UP TO MOVE for a few days STRAIGHT! THAT'S NOT DEBRIS! GETTING READY TO MOVE IS NOT FUCKING DEBRIS!

After the inspection we were given a tour of the house and a promise that we'd have a week to move and not the five days as was originally given to us.

Then, an hour or so later, we were called and told that because of our "filthy floors" and our "debris piled up" that we would NOT be allowed to move into our new home that we'd been promised.

Lots of tears.

The kids were crushed.

So it can safely be said that it is indeed a dark time for the Galindo family.

Am I cursed or something?

Seriously, it's like I can never get a break.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Great! More Stress ...

Ok.

So.

This is good news.

I know it's good news.

But it just feels like more stress for my already stressful life.

We are now the first names on the list for the Shawnee Scattered Housing program.

That means that the city will be leasing a nice, big, actual house to us for a very low cost.

The only catch is that we will have a home inspection TOMORROW (stress) and if we pass then we will have to move out of our place and into our new house in five days (MORE stress).

Sigh.

I know that this is good news.

But GAWD!

I'm already working six days in a row, covering breaks, doing the work of two kids leads, and I'm not selling any memberships because, sarcastic SHOCKER, there's a buncha people in Oklahoma that don't want to hear what a well dressed Mexican has to say.

And now I'm fucking MOVING?

Sigh.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

But, on the positive side, my the time my birthday rolls around I should be in a new house.

So yay.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Definitive Proof That Tim Burton Is Stalking Me ...

I am super serious about this, guys.

Ok.

Lets get into this ...

Recently news has broke about director Tim Burton's plans for live action version of the classic Disney movie Dumbo.

Some of you may see this as a clever move from a talented director.

I see it as the final, definitive, 1,000,000,000% absolutely truthful truth that Tim Burton has been stalking me since I've been in high school.

Am I serious about this? Mostly.

How much does he look like a rat in that picture? He's probably pondering stealing a piece of cheese.

I really enjoyed Pee-wee's Big Adventure in '85, Beetlejuice in '88, and his flawed but mostly on the money take on Batman. All good movies. No problems there.

But in 1990 he released the movie Edward Scissorhands.

I don't like that movie.

HATE is a strong word. I really dislike it. I like 300-year-old Vincent Price but that's about it. I find the film to be boring, sappy, preachy, and I don't think Johnny Depp does that good of a job with his bland, one dimensional character. I don't like it. There's so much wrong with it. Winona Rider in old women makeup? Laughable. Anthony Michael Hall as a bullying jock? HA! No way. I have never liked it, although I HAVE spend a number of years PRETENDING to like it so as not to raise the ire of various women I have boned. But I am way past the age where I would ever lie to impress someone.

I think this movie sucks.

I believe it is this, my dislike of Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands, that caused the director to start making movies SPECIFICALLY for me.

THE FOLLOWING IS ALL AAAAABSOLUTELY TRUE:

First, he make a movie based on my lifelong love of Ed Wood.

Then he followed that up with a movie based on the hyper violent trading cards I collected as a child.

Then he made a violent remake of one half of one of my favorite old school Disney animated movies. This was the first but definitely not the last time that Mr. Burton took advantage of my love for old school Disney movies.

As a child I was fascinated with the intriguing five movie Planet of the Apes series of films from the '60s and '70s. Tim Burton learned this and make a crappy remake, hoping to impress me.

In 1999, I read a fairly entertaining novel by Daniel Wallace called "Big Fish: A Novel of Mythic Proportions" and when Burton realized this, he got to work on a fairly entertaining movie version.

So far, this is a pretty amazing list of random occurrences, right?

But sadly, I am in no way done ...

As a child, I loved Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, but I was always upset that they renamed the original Roald Dahl novel to make it all about Wonka and not Charlie. So a desperate Burton made yet another crappy remake to try and impress me.

And I was in college when I first saw the 1982 live recording of the play Sweeney Todd and instantly fell in love with it. So, now obsessed with trying to win me over, he made a really good movie version of it.

And as a child I loved and cared deeply about and memorized and obsessed wildly over two classic Disney movies: Dumbo and Alice in Wonderland. So Burton made a decent reboot.

I also remember growing up watching the occasional random episode of the classic television show Dark Shadows because I was fascinated with the idea of a soap opera with a vampire. So Burton, in yet another desperate attempt to win me over, turned a classic tv show into his worst movie to date.

I remember as a child the Disney Channel would randomly show the 1984 Tim Burton short film Frankenweenie and I remember liking it. So not only did he turn that into a stop motion animated movie but he also put in a bunch of Gamera references just to please me.

I have also been fascinated by those ugly 1970s big eye paintings since I was a child. For reals.

And that was his last film.

His next film is going to be based on a teen book I sell at work that I have repeatedly expressed an interest in reading and, as recently announced, one of my favorite movies as a kid and now my son's absolute favorite film.

THESE ARE TOO MANY COINCIDENCES FOR ALL OF THIS TO BE A RANDOM COINCIDENCE!!!

Is that a proper sentence? I don't think so. But I stand by it.

This is my theory.

Tim Burton is stalking me, investigating me, looking into my life and making movies as a direct result of what he uncovers about me. This could possibly be happening as a result of my hating what is widely regarded as his best film.

Here is a possible list of Tim Burton's NEXT few films ...

Plan 9 from Outer Space
Lucha Libre
Addams Family reboot
KFC: The Movie
Ready Player One
Live action Three Caballeros remake
The Barnes and Noble Story
Community: The Movie
A remake of The Brain That Wouldn't Die
The Maxwell Galindo Story
Rocky and Bullwinkle reboot
Root Beers of the Galaxy
A gritty Rock of Ages reboot
Squirrel Girl
Big Boobs: In 3-D!
Captain Mexican-America

This is rrrrrrrrrrrrreally starting to creep me out.

Like for reals.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Pictures From Our Very Snowy Weekend ...

It's been snowing pretty badly this whole weekend.

So here are some pictures.

Here's Maxwell and I playing outside on Friday afternoon ...

I had to work Saturday, during the worst of the weather. The roads were complete ice. I wasn't excited ...

This is a picture of me in the parking lot of my work. And, according to people on Facebook, it could also double as the ice planet Hoth or the empty room in The Matrix ...

And this was the packed parking lot of my work that totally should have stayed open for as long as it did ...

Mannnnnn.

I don't do ice and I don't do snow.

I moved around a lot when I was growing up, eventually settling down in Phoenix, which is where I spent the bulk of my time growing up. And in Phoenix we have two types of weather: there's blinding heat, which is usually all the time, and flooding rain, which is an occasional. And that's it. No snow. I mean, sure I lived in snowy Flagstaff for a while but, come on, I was like three! That doesn't count.

So when the snow starts falling I am thrown deep within the realm of panic attacks and hyperventilating. It's not pleasant.

But I'm proud of how I handled this.

I made the snow my bitch.

SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGER: Three-Year-Old Maxwell Galindo ...

I asked my three year old to tell me what to write on my blog. The following blog post is the results. It is a bit ... scatterbrained?

Um, I am three old. I'm Maxwell 'Lindo. I'm the strongest.

Taa-da!

My tummy!

My name, my tummy.

TUMMY!

And my legs and my tummy and my hands and my pop tart.

I like puppies. One puppy. I like one puppy. I like one puppy.

I love puppy. Boobie puppies! And my water bottle.

I like watching Spider-Man!

My tummy is laughing.

People laughing at her tummy! Bela laughing at her tummy and MY tummy!

I got the remote.

I like french fries. Oof oof oof. CHEESEBURGER! Um, and Coors Spongebob. It talks. My Spongebob talks.

I can't handle this.

You go somewhere else.

Per Maxwell's request, I am currently working on a hybrid of Coors beer and Spongebob. I'm thinking like an alcoholic anthropomorphic sponge character.