NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Friday, July 31, 2015

My Son Found Jesus ...

This is the story of how my son found Jesus.

It's cute as hell and I really love it.

But first lets talk about the new waterpark.

So the city that we live in decided last year to gut the small community pool that's been gathering dust downtown by the courthouse and replace it with a big waterpark, complete with kids area, a diving pool, two rock walls, a small whirlpool area, and a bunch of pretty cool slides.

I didn't think that it was actually going to happen. I thought that it was all too big, too extravagant, especially for such a small ass town in the middle of godforsaken Nowhere, Oklahoma. But it DID happen and it would have actually opened on time if it weren't for the threat of tornadoes cancelling their big opening weekend.

Ha. Typical Oklahoma.

But they eventually did open the thing and the place is pretty damn amazing. We've been there a number of times now and we really do love it. Maxwell especially.

Here's an aerial view. Doesn't really do it justice tho ...

We were there the other day and Maxwell spots a long haired rocker guy, a pale white guy, with a long head of dark brown hair that would look very normal on the head of a Metallica cover band.

Maxwell points at this guy and goes "LOOK, DADDY! IT'S JESUS!"

My son founds Jesus.

Better yet, after that he goes "That's Jesus, daddy. He's famous. Don't bother him."

And that's nice. It's nice because, like, if we ever run into Tom Hanks or something like that, I now know that my son won't go gaga about it. He'll be cool about it and leave him to his privacy. Hell, he;d probably say "This isn't my FIRST TIME meeting a celebrity. I once met Jesus, you know."

Gotta love my son.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

My Podcast: Episode Thirty-Eight (Now With Film!!!) ...

This is the full story of the last podcast episode that I did.

Lets do this ...

I found an old bootleg copy version on the internet somewhere of the crappy, hard to find seventies made for tv movie called "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park," aka, "KISS Meets the Phantom," aka, "Attack of the Phantom," aka, "Really Shitty Movie."

It wasn't the best copy of the movie. It looked old and grainy, like it was recorded off an old VHS copy. And it was in two separate parts, two separate avi files that were listed as part one and part two.

See, I know me. I know me very well, actually. And I knew that, what with my ocd, if I was going to actually watch this movie then I would probably have to combine the two parts together into one big film.

So I figured that if I was going to edit the movie then I might as well make it up nice.

So it took me a whole day of hard work, but I redid the opening credits and added a bunch of retro stuff before and in the middle of and after the movie to make it seem like an old drive-in movie. I added previews. I added drive-in ads. I added an intermission and some cartoons. I even added my own intro with my three year old son where it looks as if he may or may not be blowing a hot dog. I got an old movie and made it my own. Sure the sound sort of fluctuated and at times it doesn't 100% sync up with the movie, but I worked hard on it and it was entirely my own.

I put it up on YouTube and it was INSTANTLY taken down.

NBC Universal had issues with it. After all, it was an NBC Made for TV movie. But that doesn't make sense, because there are a SHITTON of old NBC made for tv movies ALL OVER the internet, so what gives?

Also, TOHO studios in Japan had issues with the Godzilla preview I showed before the movie. But THAT doesn't make sense, either, because I literally just ripped a gaggle of previews from YouTube and pout them in front of MY video, so why did TOHO object to MY usage of the previews and not the original poster's use of them?

Basically, it all boils down to KISS. They aren't just a band. They're a fucking CORPORATION that will sell anything and EVERYTHING they can with their stupid face on it and I had the audacity to try and put something KISS related up on the internet for free.

So I tried to put it up on DailyMotion. I hadn't been on there since forever. I had to DUST that website off, man, I hadn't been on there for so long. And they said that I apparently had a LIMIT to the length of uploads. I couldn't upload anything longer than a half hour.

That was going to be the end.

But fuck YouTube and fuck NBC Universal and, above all, fuck KISS.

So I spent a number of hours getting my video and cutting it into six parts, then uploading those six parts onto DailyMotion.

Then THEY said that I was uploading a "suspicious amount of uploads in a single day" so they stopped me after five uploads.

But I had come TOO FAR. So I wanted patiently for twenty four hours, then I uploaded the final part of the video.

And so NOW YOU KNOW how hard it was for me to make, for me to upload, for me to re-edit, for me to EVERYTHING! It took a lot of man hours and a lot of hard work and determination. But it was all ultimately worth it to be able to say ...

Here it is, people, my very own, very special DRIVE-IN EDITION of the seventies made for tv movie "**** Meets the Phantom" ...


**** Meets The Phantom-Special DRIVE IN Version... by edwood316

AND THAT IS NOT ALL!!!

Here is a link so that you can download your very own copy of our podcast where we discuss this amazing, horrible film ...

The Pope On Film - Episode 38

... and if you want, here is the YouTube video version of the episode as well, so that you can just stay here on my blog and listen to the podcast here, if you want.

Enjoy ...

BOOM!

I hope you enjoy. Between Bunny's recording and editing of the podcast and my creating the movie and the stubborn wrestling that it took to eventually upload said video, this blog post took several man hours and lots of hard work.

Thanks for reading and clicking, believers.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Watching Dr. Who For The First Tme: An Unearthly Child (WITH VIDEO) ...

Hi there.

How are you?

I'm good. Ish.

So anyway, when I woke up this morning I decided, apropos of nothing, really, that today would be the day that my kids and I sat down and watched Dr. Who for the first time. The first time ever. From the very beginning.

Yes, unlike a number of Dr. Who-ites (Whopies? Whovites? Whovians? I think the last one is the proper term), my kids and I would be watching the First Doctor, William Hartnell, and the first serial plotline, which is a four episode arc called "An Unearthly Child." It was first broadcast on BBC TV in four weekly parts from November 23rd to December 14th in the year 1963.

Man. THIS will be interesting!

I am interested to see how my kids take this.

The show, from the very beginning, is old, black and white, and I don't know how the kids will take it. Currently, my two youngest are watching the movie Pacific Rim, which my three year old son lovingly refers to as "The Wobot Movie." It's full on super monster fight giant robot cgi spectacle, so going from kaiju porn to watching a black and white British show from the early sixties maaaaaaay not be their bag.


Click here for a kick ass Pacific Rim song from my man Adam Warrock!

But here's the thing. I absolutely HAVE TO start from the beginning. I've tackled the subject of starting at the beginning before (and before again) but the main reason why I have to start at the beginning, at the first serialized plotline, is that the second one features the first appearance of the Daleks, evil alien trashcans or something that even non-Dr. Who fans know of, which I guess makes them sort of like The Joker of Dr. Who.

I mean, everybody knows The Joker, right?

And I don't particularly care about this first storyline. I just want to watch it so that I can THEN watch The Daleks.

THAT, my friends, is my master plan.

So, lets do this ...

I just gave my two youngest a buttload of ice cream. I guess I really have no faith in this tv show if I'm bribing them with food.

JUST NOW ... MAXWELL: "What is this show about?" ME: "Well, it's about an old man ... but he's really an alien ... and he travels thru time and space ... in a phone booth." I think that's the best way to explain this to a three year old.


Season 1 Episode 1 - An Unearthly Child by elviscudd

The opening credits start. The kids are freaked out by the opening credit visuals and the music. Bela is already complaining about it being in black and white. The beginning of the show is crazy dark, so much so that you have aaaaabsolutely no idea what's going on in the beginning. At all. Then we see the Tardis for the first time. And it confuses me. Is that how phone booths looked back then? Is it a police phone call ONLY box? Did they actually have random 9-1-1 only boxes scattered around their country? Do they still have those now? It's odd, you know? Real odd.

Now we're at a school and two teachers are complaining about a smart but odd teenage girl called Susan and her mysterious, old father. So they go and meet her in the library where ... she's blaring music? Damn, that's rude. Bitch. So is she an alien? I suppose she is. She's either an alien or she just has Asperger's. Either or. She's like Abed in Community.

So they follow her to her house, which is an abandoned junkyard. Maxwell could care less. He's running around the house screaming and dancing and having his Iron Man figure fight Godzilla. This isn't doing it for him. Bela, though, is quite interested. So then the teachers meet the Doctor, who seems to be an impressive Abe Vigoda level of old. The teachers and The Doctor have a rather sharp verbal jousting match. Then they go into the Tardis ...

The Tardis is a ship. It stands for "Time and Relative Dimension In Space." Ha! Good to know. So the teachers argue with him. And he's quite a crotchety old bitch. The Doctor is basically trolling the two teachers. He thinks they're idiots. And we get a few bits and pieces of the story. Susan and The Doctor are from some civilization and they hope to one day get back.

My thirteen year old is watching now. She's smiling. "The Doctor is a jerk," she said. And I agree. He's a big fucking asshole.

There is an argument, a scuffle, between Susan and The Doctor. And the Tardis is accidentally turned on. So they travel thru time and space. DAMN the Tardis is loud. It's almost as loud as my horrible ass car.

They arrive at wherever their destination is. It looks like a desolate wasteland. Or Tucson. And there's a mysterious shadow ...

... and that's the episode.

BAM! FIRST EPISODE DONE!

NOW ON TO EPISODE TWO: THE CAVE OF SKULLS ...


S1xE02 - The Cave Of Skulls by WHOat50

The shadow belongs to either a caveman or a Ringo Starr impersonator. Apparently they are in the prehistoric era and this dusty guy is part of a tribe of cavemen that somehow speak perfect english. How convenient! The male teacher, whatever his name is, still doesn't believe in the whole time and space shit and keeps fighting the damn old man Doctor. Now the other teacher, the woman, she's surprisingly cool with all this.

Bela's starting to lose interest. She's playing with Maxwell now, pretending to have a tail and dancing with him. My oldest is gone to her cave room. It's prrrrrrrretty much just me now.

They leave the Tardis to get samples of rocks and junk to try an find out what time they're in. Shouldn't the Tardis tell them that? Do they even know how to work that thing? And it's so sleek and white and plastic inside the Tardis that it looks like IKEA is selling Time and Space machines now. Apparently the machine is supposed to change its outside appearance to match its surroundings but something's wrong with it so it's stuck as a police box.

The man teacher, Ian, he just said it! "That's not his name? Who is he? Dr. Who?"

And I was all ...

So a caveman has taken The Doctor and Susan is freaking out about it. So the three of them decide to go and find him. And we see a caveman has an overly dramatic monologue before the caveman drops The Doctor to the rest of the tribe.

Oh my gawd is that caveman Phil Hartman ...

I know that's not him. But wow. It kind of looks like him. And it really sounds like him, too. This is strange. It looks like he's just playing a strange part on an SNL skit. Maybe this was a precursor to Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, like a prequel.

Or maybe PHIL HARTMAN IS REALLY A TIME LORD?!?!

Mind blown!

So the cavemen wants The Doctor to make fire so they will survive the cold, plus there's something about a tiger or something. I don't remember. But GAWD these damn cavemen SURE DO like to fucking talk! Chatty Kathys, the whole lot of them. Just GAB GAB GAB every second they're on screen. So they might kill him but then the rest of the gang come to save him. There's a scuffle, then they are all sent to the title of the episode, the dreaded cave of skulls. There's also a lot of talk about who is the leader of the tribe, as well as a mysterious old woman who looks like the village elder in How to Train Your Dragon ...

So the gang are stick in the cave of skulls. They notice that all the skulls in the cave have been split open.

... and that's the episode.

BAM! SECOND EPISODE DONE!

NOW ON TO EPISODE THREE: THE FOREST OF FEAR ...


S1xE03 - The Forest of Fear by WHOat50

The Cave of Skulls, then The Forest of Fear? Really, BBC? What's episode four, The Mountain of Doom? The Jutting Precipice of Spookiness? The Jungle of Dread? C'mon, people. You can do better than that.

So they're stuck in the cave and old Doc Brown is getting all emo, as the kids say. He's really hating himself for getting everyone into this mess. Personally, I blame Bill Cosby for all of this. His years and years of raping affects us all, you know.

So the emo Doc Brown and his gang start using the bones from the Cave of Badish Things to cut the rope used to tie them up. Wait, the cavemen don't know how to make fire but they can make rope? THAT sounds scientific, right? But as they're trying to escape, Miss How To Train Your Dragon shows up and starts spouting off about how fire will ruin them and destroy their whole society blah blah blah, so she offers to get them free if they promise to leave and never return. Because FIRE BAD, I suppose. I dunno.

Yawn. Losing interest. Maxwell is napping now. On me. He is NOT into this at all.

So they escape and head to the forest, which is where either a beast or numerous beasts live. As they run thru the forest you can hear the legendary song "Generic Thrilling Music #184." Barbara, the female teacher, starts freaking the hell out in the woods. WAIT, ARE THOSE SHADOWS? Ehh, who knows or cares?

The woods, the forest, it all looks like the same small patch of bushes and trees that they would use to make Gilligan' Island seem so huge when in fact they just used the same small location, you know? They find a boar that's been killed. Barbara freaks out more. Her screams causes one of the cavemen, apparently named Za, to get attacked by a beast or animal or smoke monster or something. So the gang actually goes back and comes to the aid of the man who wanted to kill them. Whatever.

So then the rival caveguy starts a bunch of cave unrest, the primitive version of starting civil unrest, and gets everybody to believe that Za is the bad guy. Ok then.

Meanwhile, the gang builds a makeshift stretcher and decide to take their hurt cavehomie back to the Tardis to heal him. But by the time they get there the place is surrounded by angry cavepeeps who want blood. Or fire. Or both.

... aaaaaaaand that's the episode.

TRIPLE BAM! THAT'S THE THIRD EPISODE DONE!

NOW ON TO EPISODE FOUR: THE FIREMAKER ...


S1xE04 - The Firemaker by WHOat50

So. Three episodes in and Bela made her way outside playing with a neighbor friend of hers. And Maxwell, tired of watching this black and white nonsense, forced to to put on Mickey Mouse cartoons and Disney movies.

Yeah. I had to stop watching Dr. Who. Maxwell wasn't having any of that anymore. No one cared anymore. And you know what? I really couldn't blame them. That was some dense fucking shit right there, those last three episodes. It's just damn old and dusty and dense and dry and boring as all hell. Rough stuff to watch right there. Damn rough.

So.

What I'm saying is that a number of days have since passed.

We watched those episodes Tuesday afternoon. And early Sunday morning, I decided that come hell or high water I would finish this damn first Dr. Who plotline.

Yup. It's time to reel this bitch in. Lets do this.

... when last we left the mystery gang they were about to jump back into their mystery machine when a gang of vicious cavemen bumrushed them. The first minute of the show is extreme closeups of people's faces. Wow, great. GET TO SOME ACTION!

So the gang, once again kidnapped by the rest of the cavepeople, bring their hurt cavehomie back to the tribe. He is being blamed for the death of the How To Train Your Dragon woman, who is apparently dead. But The Doctor gets all Sherlock Holmes or The Butler from the movie Clue or maybe even Sherlock Hemlock ...

... and overacts his way into SOLVING THE MYSTERY, finally reiterating my theory that early Dr. Who was just Scooby Doo plus British Teeth. So London Doc Brown gets the whole tribe to turn against the bad guy and he is banished from the tribe. Yay! End of story, right?

No. So Za is the leader again, but instead of giving The Doctor and hs groovy gang of mystery solvers a muffin basket, he sends them back into the Cave of Skulls. Za says they will either learn the secrets of fire or they will be sacrificed to the monster, Orb or Org, or something. I dunno. I wish this was in color.

Za is told by his woman that The Doctor and his tribe are different, they are called "friend" and they did not kill Za when he was injured. But Za is not deterred and decides that The Doctor will either teach him the secrets of fire or they will be killed.

So Za comes to talk to the gang and the gang tells Za that in their "tribe" they can ALL make fire. Za says that that is impossible, that not everyone can be leader, but The Doctor tries to explain that everyone should know how to make fire. Wow. That sounds an AAAAAWFUL LOT LIKE SOCIALISM, YOU PINKO!!!

So the bad guy, Ka? Kal? Kal-El? I dunno, but it looks like he sneaks back into the cave and there's a big, fake looking, badly choreographed fight scene while annoying free form jazz music plays in the background. Za wins, throws the bad guy to the ground, and gets a huge rock, using it to smash his skull in a soundless action. NOPE! NO WAY he could crush a man;s skull with a giant boulder SILENTLY! C'mon, BBC. Grow some balls.

So Za goes back to the cavepeople with the body of Kal-El or whoever and some fire and cements his dominance and the winner of this season's Amazing Race. Or Whatever. The mystery gang is left in the cave of aloneness while Za goes hunting and whatever.

Za comes back and gives them food. The gang is pissed but Za decides that the gang will join their tribe. YAY! But no, they don't want to stay as cavepeople. While deciding what their next move will be, Susan throws a skull into the fire. That gives them a very Scooby-Doo type plan. They put the skulls on spikes, which sounds like an Eddie Izzard routine ...

... so they put skulls on spikes and use it to scare the primitive Tuscon, Arizona-like cavepeople. They pretend to be dead and the spike skulls are their ghosts The gavepeeps are scared long enough for them to try and escape.

I have decided that the guy playing Za is actually an elaborate Will Forte skit.

See ...

Yup. Called it. That's uncanny right there.

So the gang runs away by running away and totally NOT running in place while British dudes slap them with leaves and twigs. They escape, the Tardis disappears while making the noises that my car makes, and POOF, they're gone.

So The Doctor says that he has no idea where the hell they're going next because the re-Tardis is broken and won't tell him where they're going , ensuring many MANY wacky adventures to come, boys and girls!. Eventually they end up at a spoooooooky alien jungle ga-goo whatever place. I dunno. Might just be a water park, for all I know.

Before they exit the re-Tardis to explore and look for a cool comic book shop, the Doctor asks Susan to check the radiation levels to see if they're safe. She says yes and they leave but, in a SHAMALAN twist, once they leave the needle goes into the DANGER ZONE, like this ...

... aaaaaaaand that's the first damn Dr. Who plotline.

YES!

FOUR EPISODE BAM! THAT'S A WRAP, PEOPLE! CUT AND PRINT!

Wow. That was some dense shiznittle right there! And it only took me six days to get thru four boring 24 minute episodes. Wow. I can't WAIT for Tom Baker to show up, man, because THIS was freaking boring, man, aaaaabsolutely boring as hell. Like watching a cockroach swim thru syrup. YAWN!

BUT!

Buck up, campers! Because the Dalek are the next plotline. And those alien robot trashcans are like the freaking Joker of Dr. Who, so when we tackle this show again we SHOULD (hopehopehope) be getting to the good stuff.

So STAY TUNED!!!

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Watching Dr. Who For The First Time: Trying Again ...

Soooooo. Hi. How are you?

Well.

Lets try this again ...

Adam Warrock: I Have Never Watched An Episode Of Dr. Who In My Life

SO.

For a while now I've been sloooooowly but surely watching the cult tv show Firefly for the first time and that has been a wildly successful series of posts on this blog. I've gotten lots and lots of really positive feedback. People really do seem to like a so called "virgin" watching a cult television show for the first time with a clear, unfiltered eye and riffing on it.

At the beginning of 2015 I made my intentions known that I was going to tackle Dr. Who for the first time ever. I had never really watched Dr. Who before, save for a few random Tom Baker episodes during weekends in my childhood, so I really wanted to sort of "Firefly" Dr. Who and watch it with fresh eyes.

(Aaaaaaaand a t-shirt was involved somehow. Personal reasons. So there was also that.)

So in January of this year I sat down and watched Dr. Who for the first time. I watched the first episode ever.

And it was kind of a big ass fail.

See, I hyped myself up this big first watch, this first episode, and I hyped everyone else up as well. A lot of hype. I was really excited to do this and I got a lot of buzz around doing it as well. I was ready with baited breath to jump head first into this great big amazing world.

And then an old, black and white little tv show started. And then I blinked. And it was all done.

And so here we are. It all just happened so fast that there was no real way for anybody to truly be satisfied by this small 21 minute old tv show. I wasn't satisfied and neither were any of the fans and followers of this blog who expected more than the short little spurt that happened. I wanted more and I think the readers of this blog DESERVE more, you know?

So.

I'm going to try again. But this time there will be a BIIIIIIIIG difference. See, I found a good "hook," one that has once again made me excited about doing this.

See, Dr. Who doesn't really go by episodes or seasons or anything like that. As far as I can tell, Dr. Who goes by "story arcs" that spawn anywhere from an episode or two to half a season long, however long it takes, you know?

Here's some wiki knowledge:

"In both the original run and since the 2005 revival, the long-running British science fiction television programme Doctor Who has featured a number of story arcs. A story arc is an extended story which takes place over a large number of episodes or serials, characterised by a gradual unfolding of plot points and introduction of narrative devices which come together in the arc's climax and dénouement. While character arcs exist over the course of many stories, they do not necessarily take the shape of an expanded story arc."

So my big mistake was watching JUST the first episode. That was my downfall, my Waterloo.

So, in a few days, I will be ONCE AGAIN trying to watch Dr. Who for the first time. I will not watch every story arc because that is impossible, not to mention crazy. I will watch as many major story arcs as I can from each and every doctor.

I already have the first four episodes of the first Doctor on my laptop, a story arc called "An Unearthly Child" that, I hope, sets things up and answers the bajillion or so questions that I have about this old ass tv series from a million years ago that hipsters everywhere shart themselves about to this day.

And when I'm done with that I also have the next story arc, a seven episode arc that is a very important one because it marks the very first appearance of The Daleks, a classic and beloved Dr. Who villain. I know nothing about the Daleks but, as far as I can tell, they are badly built trash cans that come to life in order to sell merchandise.

I will be watching Dr. Who for the first time (again) in just a few days.

So stay tuned.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Steve's Top Ten ...

I'm back, you guys. I'm back.

And this time I brought some free music for your punk ass. Pretty sweet, right?

So here, lets do this ...

1) Adam Warrock (featuring Mikal kHill): The Bottom

2) Grand Buffet: Cream Cheese Money
3) Mariachi El Bronx: Cell Mates
4) Adam Warrock: Broken People
5) The Bags: The Mole

6) Flip the Switch: Hot In Here

7) Tony Bennet: Rags to Riches

8) Three second clip: "Troy and Abed in the Morning!"

9) Childish Gambino: Fucks Given

10) Frank Sinatra: Summer Wind

BOOM!

Hope you enjoyed that.

Friday, July 3, 2015

My Podcast: Episode Thirty Four (With Movie) ...

I know it's been a while, but BOOM!

Here you go ...

"The Death of Richie is a made-for-TV movie drama which premiered on the NBC television network on January 10, 1977.

It is based on Richie, a nonfiction book by Thomas Thompson about the 1972 death of George Richard 'Richie' Diener, Jr. at the hands of his father, who was ultimately not charged with the shooting death of his son.

The movie was featured in episode 34 of the podcast The Pope On Film."

Ok. So. This is a special playlist. I'm good at playlists.

It's the entire, full length 1970s made for tv movie "The Death of Richie" but, with my playlist mojo, it's done as a drive-in movie. Old commercials. Trailers. Good stuff. Just a bunch of fun retro craziness. PLUS, after the movie, there's the special "Death of Richie" episode of my awesome ass podcast THE POPE ON FILM!

Good stuff. Worth a watch.

Have fun ...

Trying To Climb This Wall ...

Hi.

How are you?

Look, yes yes yes, I knowwww I keep saying that I'll blog more and yet I just keep on NOT blogging. I know that. Okay. I know, I know. Believe me, I know.

It's not that I am abandoning this blog. No, far from it.

I just can't find the time. I just can't force myself, what with my busy work schedule and spending time with the kids and my podcast and everything else, to sit down and write. I just can't. And it's not a case of writer's block. No, it's more than that. It's bigger. It's like there's this invisible wall in front of me and it's aaaaaaabsolutely stopping me from writing right now. I don't know what it is or why. But the wall is there and I can't get thru it.

So.

So this is me trying to climb OVER the wall.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good, I guess. battling a bit of depression brought on by a million little things. Trying not to cut. Focusing on the things I can control and trying not to worry about the things that I can't control. That's easier typed than done, you know? And that might have something to do with the lack of posts here, that and I just can't. No time. Wall. You know.

My awesome movie podcast, The Pope on Film, is going wonderfully and you should listed to it. We just recorded episode 35 and that's pretty amazing. Good for us. And the show keeps exceeding my expectations. It's funny and entertaining and filled with good discussions and useless facts and a whole bunch of surprises. It's damn good. You should listen.

I'll try and post a free movie a bit later.

I'm trying to climb that wall.