NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, June 13, 2020

SCRIPT (6/14/2020)

(theme music)

CHEESY HOST: HELLOOO and welcome to AMERICA'S NEXT PODCAST SINGER, the surprise reality contest where we see if podcasters can sing without ANY forewarning! And today we have 2 brand new contestants ready to show us what they've got. Now, let me remind you again, both podcasters today had NO WARNING that this contest was taking place, because that's just how this game show ROLLS! Now lets meet our first contestant, his name is Steve, let's here it for him!

(applause)

CHEESY HOST: So, Steve, tell us about yourself.

STEVE: Uhh, yeah. Hi, my name is Steve. I'm … (ad-lib)

CHEESY HOST: Hey, sounds great. And, what is the song you're going to sing?

STEVE: It's called … (ad-lib)

CHEESY HOST: Alright, sounds great! So here is our first contestant, Steve, with the song (REPEAT TITLE)

(STEVE SINGS)

(applause)

CHEESY HOSY: Phew! What an amazing song. THAT, will be REALLY hard to beat! But one man will definitely try to beat Steve off, so lets welcome our SECOND contestant, Bunny! So, Bunny, tell us about yourself?

[WHATEVER BUNNY DOES]

CHEESY HOST: And what is the title of the song you're going to sing?

[WHATEVER HE SAYS]

CHEESY HOST: Wow, Bunny, that sure does sound great! So here is our second contestant, Bunny, ready to wow the world with his song called (REPEAT TITLE)

[WHATEVER BUNNY DOES]

(applause)

CHEESY HOST: Wow, what an amazing performance by our second contestant, Bunny. I don't know WHO is going to end up victorious. So, you know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna go set this whole fucking building on fire, fuck this fucking show. Both of you guys are winners, or losers. I don't care. Now get the fuck out of here because this son of a bitch builfing is going to burn.

(sound of fire and screams)

STEVE: AAAAND SCENE

Saturday, May 16, 2020

NEW Script for the Podcast (5/17/2020)

TITLE: "The Locksmith"

This is a short play with 3 characters, a locksmith named STEVE, the locksmith's wife NATASHA, and a NEWSCASTER on the television. The locksmith and his wife live in Las Vegas. Steve will be playing the part of STEVE. Bunny will be playing the part of NATASHA as well as the NEWSCASTER. There is also a phone. This is important.

Although the story is based on a real event, the story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons living or deceased is intended or should be inferred. Also Steve was a little bit high while writing this.

INTERIOR VEGAS HOUSE, DAY. NATASHA IS WATCHING TV

NATASHA: Boy, I sure do like watching tv. (hums) Gee, I wonder when my locksmith husband will be home from his work which is locksmithing.

THE DOOR OPENS. STEVE ENTERS

STEVE: Hello Natasha my wife. Your husband is home from doing locksmithing and work that is related to the world of locksmithing.

NATASHA: OH! My amazingly handsome and great smelling husband Steve is home! I will now embrace you as all lovers do, sensually.

THE TWO SHARE A TENDER SENSUAL EMBRACE

NATASHA: How are you my locksmith husband? Are you in the happy mood and we can start vigorously fornicating as we always do after working time? Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Nay my amazing wife, nay. Delay that sentiment. We must have a serious conversation now.

NATASHA: I am filled with such dread now. How serious a conversation will we be now having, my husband?

STEVE: A VERY serious one!

NATASHA: Audible gasp!

STEVE: My wife, I must admit truths to you now. My locksmith business is not going all of the good. We have been losing money. The money runs away and we don't know where it is going because we have never seen money run away like this. We have tried using nets to catch the money but it is no use. We are running out of good business feelings. Times are hard.

NATASHA: Oh, I am sorry to be hearing those words in my ear cavities, my sexy and strong husband Steve. What do you deduce is the reasoning behind the decline in businessing? Is it the fault of the internets?

STEVE: Yes my buxom wife, it IS the fault of the internets. Kids these days are too busy pornhubbing and club penguining to care about modern day locksmithing.

NATASHA: Oh no! This is all the sad. I am cut to my very core. Nevertheless, I still support you, my amazing and talented and good smelling husband Steve. Maybe we should have a sad round of procreation. Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Yes, my wife Natasha. Maybe you should.

THE TV BLARES LOUDLY

NEWSCASTER: Attention, viewers of television, attention now! Cease fornicating and pay attention! There is coronavirus now and it is coronavirusing all over the non-coronavirus places! All movie theaters and glory holes and casinos are hereby closed by order of the governing goverments of Las Vegas, where is where Steve and Natasha live in this play now!

SUDDENLY, THE PHONE RINGS. WE TOLD YOU IT WAS IMPORTANT. STEVE PICKS IT UP

STEVE: Hello? Who is it that is phoning me? Is it you, money?

NATASHA: Who is it, honey darling snooky face?

STEVE: It is Ceasar's Palace on the Las Vegas strip. You know how all the casinos have been ordered to close, honey?

NATASHA: Yes, I seem to recall someone saying that thru a television device recently.

STEVE: Well apparently, since Caesar's Palace has never had to close before, their doors have no locks on them. They want me to rush to the strip and install locks on all their doors right now and they are willing to pay me big bucks?

NATASHA: Big bucks, you say? Why, those are bigger than small bucks!

STEVE: You are correct my amazing wife! In fact, I am now getting a second call. It's from every other casino. They ALL need locks! We are no longer going out of business, my dear. Now we are successful and rich.

NATASHA: Oh what a joyous day! We should violently fornicate to celebrate such a momentous time. Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Natasha, my oversexed wife, this is no time for pony play! I must be off to do locksmithing things in a way that only locksmiths can do!

NATASHA: Farewell my husband! We will sex when you are finished!

THE END

Friday, June 29, 2018

Script for the podcast ...

STEVE (Padme): When I was in Level Three, we used to come here for school retreat. See that island? We used to swim there every day. I love the water.

BUNNY (Anakin): I do too. I guess it comes from growing up on a desert planet.

STEVE: We used to lie on the sand and let the sun dry us... and try to guess the names of the birds singing.

BUNNY: I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything’s soft... and smooth...

(THEY BOTH GET MORE AND MORE SING SONG LOVEY LOVEY ROMANCE LIKE)

STEVE: There was a very old man who lived on the island. He used to make glass out of sand - and vases and necklaces out of the glass. They were magical.

BUNNY: Everything here is magical.

STEVE: You could look into the glass and see the water. The way it ripples and moves. It looked so real...but it wasn’t.

BUNNY: Sometimes, when you believe something to be real, it becomes real. Real enough, anyway...

STEVE: I used to think if you looked too deeply into glass, you would lose yourself.

BUNNY: I think it's true...

(KISS SOUND EFFECTS)

AND SCENE!

Monday, February 26, 2018

Fired ...

I was recently fired after 17 and a half years.

The company ruthlessly fired over 1,800 of their most senior employees without so much as a warning.

Weeks before, my store manager literally told me that I would be employed forever. "I own your soul until the day you die, Steve" she said. And days later, corporate made her fire me.

I'm trying to land on my feet. I'm doing storytimes online and I'm setting up live events. I just can't believe that they would screw me like that.

Anyway, here are some pictures from some of my last corporate storytimes ...

So there's that.

Anyways, here's some free music ...

Marian Hill: Down
Seth Sentry: Campfire
The Groovie Ghoulies: Deviltown
Courtney Barnett: Scotty Says
Childish Gambino: Riot
Hadestown: When The Chips Are Down
Faith No More: Motherfucker
Rob Base and DJ Ez Rock: It Takes Two
The Jimi Hendrix Experience: Fire

Be good, people.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

My New Years Movie Marathon ...

My New Year's Eve was odd.

For starters, my son Max is spending a nice chunk of his Christmas break at his grandmother's house. I wanted him to be home for ringing in the new year, but he really wanted to go to church. So, right off the bat, we didn't have our whole family with us for New Year's Eve.

There were other problems. Amber was spending the night with her church group, a sort of "lock in at the rec center" sort of deal. Bela was home, as usual, but Emerald was having a friend over for a sleepover so she just stayed in her room all night.

Natasha was home, sure, but she kind of in her own world. She was having a hard time. She writes a lot and she had some sort of deadline that she just HAD to meet by midnight. That AAAND the fact that the baby has been sick for a few days, so she just wants to spend ALL of her time attached to mommy and that just causes my wife to get flustered and annoyed, you know? It's tough having an angry, snotty, hot baby attached to you 24-7, so she just wanted time alone.

So when midnight rolled around I was pretty much all alone trying to calm down a screaming baby. And I read a couple times this year that what you end up doing precisely at midnight on New years is what is going to happen to you a LOT in the coming year. And if that is the case, then I am going to have a pretty lonely 2017.

So yay me, I guess.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and do a movie marathon this weekend.

Right now it's a little after noon on New Years Day and this weekend I've watched 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, the vaguely adorable 2009 comedy Mystery Team, the MST3K episode with Manos: The Hands of Fate, and right now Bela and I are finishing up Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein. After that Isabela wants to watch Trolls. I don't. AT ALL! But I might out it on for her and just half pay attention.

I don't know what we'll watch after that. But it doesn't really matter.

What matters is that I'm taking this new year into my own hands. I am in control of 2017.

I am in charge of my life.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

My Next Few Days ...

I have a crazy next few days.

First off, there's today.

I have my podcast to record today, episode #104.

I love my podcast (Which you can listen to at ThePopeOnFilm.Wordpress.com by the way). I'm really excited about this episode. We're doing the Star Wars Holiday Special and I've been 125% ready for a number of days now. I am a BIT worried that there will be TOO MUCH because we're not only covering that but also the last two parts of the new Gilmore Girls and that ALONE is daunting, you know?

But BEFORE I even GET to do the podcast, I have today. My wife, who has recently gone back to college, has two finals today. She tries her hardest to only take online classes because she's basically the ROCK of this family. But she has finals today that she HAS to take at the university.

This means that I will have our 5 and 1/2 old baby daughter all by myself for about 5 and 1/2 hours today.

I love my daughter. But she's so young. And she's still 100% breast fed. That means that when she's tired or hungry or scared or, hell, just bored, she goes for her mother's breasts. And I can't give her that same level of comfort. At all! I mean, sure I have some bags of milk that I can warm up for her and junk. But damnit, it's not the same. At SOME point in time today she's going to get into super baby freakout mode and I will be no help in consoling her for the sole reason of having no breasts.

Beyond that, I nee to start getting ready for next week's episode. I also have work the next two days and, man, work has been craaaaazy lately.

Then I have a huge event on Saturday, a Harry Potter party for kids that I'm running myself. We're making wands and learning to dance and doing trivia and coloring and it's all being done by me. I have to have to HAVE TO get ready, but how much work can I get done with a screaming baby, you know?

Anyway, I'm going crazy.

It's fun.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

The Thanksgiving Blues ...

It's Thanksgiving 2016 and I am currently sitting on a vaguely comfortable couch in the livng room of my in-laws house in the farthest outskirts of Seminole, Oklahoma. It's the afternoon and I am wonderng what special type of hell today will bring.

This place is like a goddamned black hole. It is an honest to god black hole. I get no cell phone reception at all, so no texts or phone calls whatsoever. Not that that matters, really, because it's not like I actually KNOW anyone who WOULD call or text me. Maaaaaybe my parents but prrrobably not.

My in-laws also have no internet here, so that's "fun." Actually, let me clarify ... they HAVE internet, technically, but it's so limited that they NEVER use it. And their internet becomes unlimited but ONLY from midnight to like 5am. I don't understand their internet. Why have it if you can never use it? But apparently they're sooooooo far away from normal human civilization here that they can't get any major internet company. They can only get strange backwoods "cuntry" internet. It's annoying and frustrating and I don't understand it, but it is what it is. There's no internet here.

I could turn on the date on my phone to AT LEAST check Facebook or something, But for some reason my phones don't get any data or roaming or anything out here in outer Seminole. And that's not fair because LITERALLY everyone else in this house has a phone that gets data BUT me. So when it's a holiday or when we decide to spend the date here, I am completely cut off from technology and it is absolutely maddening.

Point of order, I am currently writing this piece on a generic Notepad app on my laptop with plans to inoventually cut and paste this somewhere. Probably my blog. I was going to watch the new Lucha Underground or a movie or two on my laptop but I forgot my headphones, the new ones I got for myself that were quickly menifest destinied by the women in my life. So I think my heaphones are at home with my wife's computer. So, again, yay.

My in-laws have cable but only the absolute basic cable. And I think it goes without saying that I can never ever ever ever EVER have control of the television. I would LOVE to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade with my kids, a rare family tradition that has somehow escaped the dark ages of my childhood and has carried on into my kids' lives. But I don't get to watch anything while I'm here. Right now they're watching The Land Before Time 9 or 14 or whatever the fuck this is. They made a shit ton of these movies. The first one was great. It's a work of art. It was lovingly made and the animation was incredible. But ut all the other endless sequels were just cheap direct to video cash-ins with rushed animation and horrible musical numbers and they just keep getting worse and worse the more movies they make. And they own EVERY SINGLE SEQUEL at this house and they seem to play them on a loop.

(I would look up how many Land Before Time movies they've made but they don't have internet at this goddamn house.)

Now, on the rare occasion when there's NOT a Land Before Time sequel they are usually watching some home renovation show on some home renovation cable network that I didn't know existed. I hate these shows. I hate them with a passion. There's just no entertainment value there. Every episode is just a bunch of white people dealing with their expensive house. It's the WHITE PRIVELIDGE NETWORK. I can't stand it.

This Thanksgiving is going to be a strange one. Usually it's just us, my family and my wife's family. Occasionally a family from my in-law's church or a family friend. But regardless, it's usually a small, tight knit affair with the same people. This year, however, my brother-in-law Duane is gone. He moved back to California with his wife Lauren and his son, Jaden. They moves away a few months ago and now we're all silently dealing with the realities of the holidays without them. I personally don't care that they're gone but I worry about my son. Maxwell was best friends with Jaden. They spend a lot of time together. A LOT! So I worry about a Thanksgiving without them. Without Jaden.

There's also a bunch of new blood being thrown into the machine. My niece Deinna's boyfriend Christian. His family will be joining us. I know nothing of his family besides the apparent fact that his family fucking hates him. And there's a possibility that my new adopted daughter Amber's ghetto sister and her ghetto boyfriend might be joining us, too. That's a lot of ghetto. Then there's Nanah and Papaw's new kids. My in-laws have always wanted to adopt, despite the facts that they're broke and Nanah is allllllllllways suffering thru severe physical pain. So the addition of two foster kids to the house, one of which is a verrrrry small newborn, throws a wrench in things. There's a lot of new variables this year.

But besides the various unknowns, it's still a typical Thanksgiving here. I'm all alone and I will continue to be alone save for some random angry yells from my wife. Deinna and Emerald will be locked up in Dee's room. Natasha will be cooking and cleaning and arguing and helping and a million other things. She becomes a Tasha-nado and doesn't really have tme for me whenever she's here. I understand. Or I try to. Bela still gravitates towards the young children in the house, which is really sweet. She's growing, though, and developing quite an attitude to go with the growth. I worry how long she'll remain young, you know? Randal, the remaining brother-in-law, will be scretly drinking and loudly bitching about everything. He's an angry bitch and his attitude will be dragging everyone down. Oh, and he'll be shirtless most of the day. Nanah and Papaw will be stressing the fuck out and I will actively try to avoid them. And Amber will be helping. She's a sweetie.

Now Ferngully 2 is on! What is up with this family and crappy sequels?

Deinna is here. She's a freshman at a local college who is off for the holidays. I remember when she used to be a young little girl with a crush on me. And now I'm just her silly dumb uncle that she humors. It's sad and a bit annoying, honestly.

Now it's the evening. Seven at night. It's dark and chilly outside and things have mellowed out. I'm trying to finish watching Lucha Underground. The holidays, post feast, are always about trying to convince myself that I'm not having an asthma attack, that I'm just full. It's a difficult game. I'm trying to regulate, though, and trying not to think about how horrible work is going to be tomorrow.

Ths Thanksgiving was nice, I guess. It was certainlt a lot quieter without Duane and Lauren. And Christian's family never showed up so it ended up a nice, quiet, intimate affair. Lucha Underground was good, as always.

I miss my family sometimes, my parents. They always loved Thanksgiving.

I should clarify ... they're not dead. I just don't really talk to them. It's a long story.

I wonder how fucking bad tomorrow will be for me.

Happy Thanksgiving, I guess.