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Sunday, November 24, 2002

Col can sense things and sensed that something was wrong, so she asked me tonight if perhaps she was making me feel uncomfortable ... and I answered her honestly and openly.

MOOD: hazy

BACKGROUND: Kids in the Hall

I told her ... I was extremely depressed. I was very much sad and depressed and contemplative and introspective and all around quiet, which is something that I usually am not. But I am. I'm quiet now. And I might be quiet for a very long time beyond my drunk night at the bar.

And I told her that in no way does it have to do with her or us or how I feel for her. Either does it have to do with the big Him or with my detached parents or my brother who loves me and at the same time wants to kick my a** for what I'm doing to this family, you know? Neither does it have anything to do with work or with my health or with my ex, the legendary Debmonster (whom I still love, in my own way), or with any of that.

Or maybe, in a better way to put it, it has to do with all of that stuff and more. But I digress ...

I'm just sad now. It isn't anybody's fault. It's just that, as you can see by looking back at all my previous blogs here, I have had, dramatic pause, one hell of a f**king few weeks. Anger, fighting, crying, love, hate, violence, and nearly drinking myself to death. And now I find myself in a position where the big Him has realized that Col and I are in love with each other and is allowing himself to detach himself from her so that we can finally say that we are dating.

So why am I depressed when this should be the happiest time in my life? I don't know. If I knew, I'd tell you. I'm just emotionally exhausted now after all I've been through to get here and I'm a bit scared that I may stay this way, quiet and shy and longing, forever. I'm scared too, constantly waiting for that subconscious other shoe to drop, you know? The moment when the big Him loses it and finally gets revenge against me.

So here I am. I'm almost 26 years old living in California with a cell phone and a leather jacket and a Caddy and a manager job at a bookstore and I am dating a young woman who is absolutely in love with me. And I'm so stupid that I'm depressed.

At least the new Osbourne episodes start next week.

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