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Sunday, February 23, 2003

Got me an almost adult-like feeling of contentment I'm not used to.

MOOD: tiredcontentsore


Sitting here sober, almost three in the morning. Feeling tired, feeling sore from working out, feeling annoying from always having to babysitting all the drunk people around me. Sitting here watching the only movie that can currently make me cry, but in a good way, watching that and drinking soda, taking my valerian root and my melatonin, hoping I get to see the pay-per-view this evening.

Slow, quiet feelings of contentment that I know I shouldn't be feeling but somehow am. Feelings of confusion but not loud, screaming questions of who I am and where should I be. They're just sort of sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette, minding their own. The predominant emotion is one of quiet cool, one of quiet contentment. One of silence.

At work today, all this shit with my brother and Casey and the lovebirds and my family and my financial problems just sort of built up on me like a drug that's slow but eventually has you on your back foaming at the mouth. I was angry. Not my usual sort of quiet, passive, low rage anger but one that had my knuckles white and my teeth clenched. Adding to the fire was this fuel of idiotic people, these stupid fucking wasteless masses of humanity why had no idea what the fuck they were looking for but expected me to find it.

Nothing but sadness and stress and loneliness and above all anger, high intensity anger and rage coursing through my entire body. Wanted to get into a fight. Wanted to have sex with a complete and total stranger. Wanted a shot of Imperial Whiskey. Wanted to set someone's house on fire.

When we were closed, I got a hug from Katie, one of my cute little work crushes. Just getting a hug from her, having her hold me in her arms, I found myself near tears for the rest of the night. Not from sadness or loneliness but from a lack of angeer and a profound realization on the idiocy of existance but not in a depression sense. From then on I found a bizarre subconscious realization somewhere within myself that whatever's happening to me, whatever's going on with me and with the world around me, that it's all just bullshit and that I should just get a soda and have a smoke and move on with my life. Not so much embracing the chaos but realizing it's there, saying hi to it, and just moving on with things.

Got an e-mail from Collyne, breaking the silence that has grown between us since she decided to fall in love with me, promise me that she would love me forever, then leave me for her ex-husband. Wasn't expecting an e-mail from her, especially one saying that she was starting a new life, wiping the slate clean, that I was a teriffic friend (I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm everyone's nice, cute gay friend but without the gay part), but that I could no longer be a part of her life anymore.

Ain't that about a bitch?

That should have me sad. That should have me dressing in black and painting my fingernails black and smoking cloves and shaving my head and wtriting shitty poetry and listening to The Cure and all that ostentatiously depressing bullshit. And yet somehow I'm not. I'm not drinking to forget. Instead, I'm embracing the past but not to excess so that I can focus on the future, whatever it may be. I'm not slowing down. Instead, I find that I have more energy, more drive, like I was back in high school. In fact, I'm not sad at all. I'm just sitting here, drinking my soda, watching my movies, and waiting for Stone Cold to come back.

Sure I'm sad. I mean, I loved Collyne. I could have seen myself spending my life trying to make her smile. I could have seen a lot of happiness for a long, long time. And in the year that I have known her, I really did fall bad for that woman on countless occasions. But she has a weakness for her ex, the infamous Big HIM, and they have something that I could never take away or even come close to replacing.

And I don't want to say the "B" word, because I'm not that kind of guy, but, I mean, she has spent the last year collecting the pieces of my broken heart like they're fucking Beanie Babies and the road that I am on is not a new one for me, nor is this the first time she's sent me down this road. Nothing new. All that is new is old and the setting I find myself in is one that I've been in so many times past that this time around, it doesn't hurt as much.

Fuck 'em. Time will still tick relentlessly on and the world will keep spinning and life will continue to kick me in the fucking testicles regardless of if this woman loves me. So fuck 'em. Life goes on, even if you don't want it to, so suck it in and walk it off. That's what I say and so far it's worked for me.

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