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Sunday, February 9, 2003

I always find myself attracted to my co-workers and it was only last night that I think I finally unearthed the reasoning why I always find myself like this: I am an idiot.

MOOD: quiethyperlonely

BACKGROUND: (band from Phoenix that does nothing but cover video game music)

I remember Sheena, the seventeen year old from my old video store job, your typical seventeen year old five-foot-three girl that loves to flirt with anything with a pulse sort of girls. Kind of like the blonde girl from the movie American Beauty. I know that she was stupid and that she that loved to fuck all her co-workers but dammit if I didn't hold this secret thing for her. And I actually ended up dating one of my co-workers from the old video store job for a while. And at my old bookstore, oh man, anyone that was under thirty years old eventually I had a mad crush on. Crushes. That's a good way to put it.

Here in Sacramento, in my mind at least, everyone I know is either dating someone or married to someone or recently divorced from someone or single with kids and that goes for all my co-workers, of which I can think of about five or six women I work with that I do NOT have a crush on. But, I don't know, I'm almost twenty six. I'm getting older, less of a crazy spazz, more calm, and definitely more mature, and my crushes don't have the bite, the strength, the sting that they had two, three years ago. Which is good.

No morenews from the sex front. I'm confident in my statement that at any time I could easily have it, but I choose not to. Why? Because I am a dumb, brown asshole. A tease, is how my co-worker likes to call me. I'm trying to delagate myself to being the cute, shy, sensitive single guy now, trying to convince myself that I don't have to find the girl of my dreams, that I don't need to have a woman right next to me taking care of me and feeding my male ego. Trying to convince myself to be sober, which is a bitch, I'll tell you, but it's something I have to do.

No words from the lovebirds but, honestly, as much as I miss her and miss them and as much as I would like to work this all out and go on with my life, I have to realize the fact that they want to shut me out of their lives and if they want to and will continue to do that, then I just need to pull up my pants and say well fuck you, too to them and move on with my life without those two messes up fucking freaks.

Screw this. I'm Reverend Steve.

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