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Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Trying to stay positive is a 24/7 job for me, one that never seems to get any easier and one that seems to be an especially difficult uphill battle today.

MOOD: tiredhornybored

BACKGROUND: Social Burn "Where You Are" (just came out today and worth buying)

Want to write a novel. Want to beat a video game. Want to have sweaty, nonstop, hardcore sex with a complete stranger. Want to get into a mosh pit and feel what it feels like to get the crap beaaten out of me. Want to write a rock opera and then rip it to shreds. Want to help Wile E. Coyote catch that goddamm Road Runner. Want to set someone's house on fire. Want to run a marathon. Want to boo the good guy and root for the bad guy. Want to get on stage and act in a Shakespearian play. Want to get into a fight. Want to shoot Jesus Christ in the face. Want to bodyslam Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania. Want to become a vampire. Want to piss on Col. Sanders' gravestone. Want to dig up Mother Teresa and play football with her head. Want to get on the roof and scream until I start spitting up big chunks of my own blood. Want to shoot Reb Bull directly into my bloodstream. Want to cum all over the floors of a church. Want to watch the movie Groundhog Day over and over and over again. Want to beat up Ronald McDonald. Want to learn how to fly. Want to stay up late and never sleep again.

That's how I feel right now. All of that rolled up into a big, fat ball of low-intensity anger and thick, fog-like confusion. All that with just a pinch of loneliness.

So I'm here eating KFC and listening to good music and trying not to think so negatively about myself. Trying not to think about the lovebirds and what they might be doing right now. Trying not to think about my past wednesdays going to go visit my girls. Trying not to think about alcahol and how much I want a drink right now. Trying not to think about the massive financial responsibilities that lie ahead of me. Trying not to think about how lonely I am and how single I am.

It's like socialburn's song "Ashes" - there's always somebody who's out there waiting for someone to take them away. And that's been me for way too long now, me here with my cold cup of coffee and my burnt cigarette and my suitcase packed waiting for for someone to take me away. Well, it's time for self-empowerment, time for me to get the hell up and start doing things for myself.

I don't want to go out tonight, but I will, come hell or high water, even if I have to force myself.

I'm going to be myself, be stupid and be lonely and watch wrestling and buy comic books and jerk off to porn and download songs and I'm not going to care two shits about how I look or who opproves or disapproves. Fuck the nay-sayers amd fuck the religious right and fuck the racists and fuck the politicians and fuck the SUV owners and fuck the upper class and fuck the celebrities and fuck the president and fuck the hunters and fuck the war supporters. I'm going to be me and I'm not going to care if you like that or not.

This isn't power to the people - it's power to the self, plain and simple. Plain and simple. Power to the fucking self.

I'm going out tonight.

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