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Thursday, April 24, 2003

My life has transformed into a boring repetition of the same old thing over and over again - and I've never been any happier.

MOOD: happyhungryhoppeduponcoffee

BACKGROUND: White Stripes "De Stijl"

For a while I was living in interesting times, always getting into adventures and fights and seductive relationships and life-threating situations where I almost died and had to deal with the police and go to court and get a temporary restraining order. It was a life lived in interesting times, every new day bringing with it a brand new adventure to live through. And I was never more depressed, more ragged, more stretched each way to my own personal limits. Friends fighting against friends, true loves turning against the ones they promised they would always love, lies, bickering, backstabbing, deceit, anger, madness, and much more assorted crazy bullshit all being tossed into a blender that seemed to be turning my life into a bad Jerry Springer rerun.

There's only so much interesting times that a shy little mexican boy like me can take before he starts to long for the sweet bliss of boredom.

Now my life is boring, repeditive, and I've never felt happier. Going to school, taking my classes, going to work, watching television, and sleeping. That's my life and goddamnit if it doesn't feel great! Yesterday, I actually woke up at noon. That was incredible! I woke up, no one wanted to kill me, there weren't any messages on my cell phone, no constant calls from some irrational angry boyfriend, no big long e-mails besides spam, no hangover because I don't drink anymore so no vague memories of the bar and bar drama and no drunk forty year old women wanting to get into my pants. Nothing. I woke up, watched television, and went to my classes. It was boring and pointless and above all, drama free, and I loved every goddamn moment of it!

A boring life free of drama is a life that's really worth living. Sitting here eating Weinerschnitzel and listening to early White Stripes and writing my great new play and letting all the bullshit drama pass me by like a calm spring breeze, the only drama coming from the squirrels outside that are angry at me for having no more peanuts for them. And I asked this great woman to go out with me and she said yes and now I have this really nice relationship with this woman named Kitty whom I really like to spend time with. A simple life, devoud of any more interesting times.

Calm. At peace. At one with my inner wetback. This is a great life right here.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

A wednesday when I don't buy any comic books is a very spooky sort of wednesday.

MOOD: quietpositiveyettrepidatious

BACKGROUND: Flip the Switch @

Anyone who has read this more than once knows my love, my insaine love, for wednesdays. Those are my days. And all the childlike excitement that I now derive from being able to walk into the comic book store by my house and having them say say, Hey Steve, and having them go and get the new comics waiting for me, just like I always dreamed about since I was a little child. I always wanted that, to be able to have a box of saves at the comic book store. And now every wed. I go to my local record store, my video store, my coffee place, and my comic book store where I relive my choldhood mental image of what being totally cool would seem like.

But no new comic books on my list of "saves" came out. That just sent the entire day on a strange spin. Really bizzare. Now my whole day has been just a slight bit spooky, you know, just a little bit out of whack.

I could spend this brand new blog space here warming up your ocular cavaty about all the drama, all the bullshit, all the verbal slaps and the mind games and the constant barrage of negative blah blah blah blah blah. I could tell you about how things are between me and the Big HIM. I choose not to. Instead, I choose to move on with my life. I choose to move on with my happy, positive, sober life, and once and for all move the past safely behind me. I could tell you all the latest news about whatever. But I don't have to, nor do I want to. Instead, what I should have done a long fucking time ago, I have decided to move on with my life and let the past float away in the wind of a cool April breeze.

Speaking of moving on, my ex-fiance Deborah just moved from another state thousands of miles away from me to being roughly about an hour and a half drive away from me. Isn't that a strong kick to the solarplexus? I'm not even sure what the fuck a fucking solarplexus is, but that's how I'm feeling. I've often wonder how she's been, if she's still as great and wonderful as I'm afraid she still is. Me, I'm a completely different person from the last time she saw her. Twenty lbs. skinnier, a whole lot quieter, more into music and poetry. Fuck, man, I probably won't even see her ever again. It's just that, after all this time I think that this is the point in my life where I might be able to be cool and friendly and civil to her again.

Out of all the people that I've ever known (relatives excluded), I've known her for the longest, since 1991 I reckon. That's a long time to be friends with someone. All my other friends from junior high, high school, catholic school, my old church days, all of that, none beat the amount of time I've known Deb. That means a lot to me, all that history, all that backstory, all between two people who have been fortunate, and sometimes unfortunate, enough to know one another for a lengthy duration of time. That's really something special and something that I enjoy immensely and something that I would not like to throw away. She means a lot to me and I really treated her like shit back when I was a drunkard. But she's always been the coolest the cool, the archetype woman that I've always sort of dream of, and she's always been some sort of friend to me.

So maybe we'll see each other. So out for a shit and a sandwitch. Eat a bagel and kill some minorities. Beat up a frenchman and dance our dreams away. Or maybe we'll just keep on truckin'. You never know.

Went out on a date two weeks ago. Went good. I wasn't expecting a successful night. I was preparing for Vietnam and I got the fall of Kirkuk and Operation Iraqui Freedom, if you know what I mean. We've talked and gone out since then. But then she went out for the weekend to work on the play she's staging and I had to deal with this whole guy wants to kill me thing. But it's now early thursday morning and I haven't heard from her or been able to reach her since about six days now. I mean, the weekend is over. Is she sending me a message here? Maybe. I don't know.

I know I should be single right now. It's a bit difficult to remain in that frame of mind when you have a young blonde woman's tits in your face and her hand down your pants, but nevertheless, in my head on those quiet times when it's just be and The White Stripes and the hum and rattle of my pimpmobile I realize that after all I've been through this past year/year and a half, that I need to stop chasing ass and try to better yourself, Steve.

I just want a friend a companion, someone I can cuddle with in front of the television with, someone to go to movies with and be all retarded with and go to concerts with. That's it. That's not too tough, is it?

Saturday, April 12, 2003

You've made me so many promises this past year and each and every one of them you've broken. But please, one last favor. Pleave me alone. This is the single most stupidest thing that's ever happened in my life. This is sad. This is just sorry. I don't want to talk to you, to either of you. Please just leave me alone.
Talked to the cops at work today because the Big HIM tried to kick my ass and repeatedly threatened to kill me

MOOD: tiredhungrynotreallyhere

BACKGROUND: Liam Lynch "Fake Songs"

I had written originally written out the entire thing, every nook and cranny, threat for threat. And as you can see, I deleted most of it. I didn't want to have it up here anymore. It's pathetic and stupid. Besides, I don't want to get anyone pissed at me again. So instead, let me regale you with the "for dummies" which goes as follows ...

He came to my work, told me not to talk to her, not to see her, not to go anywhere near her. I tried to explain to him that he always say that and I always follow through with his wishes but it's always her that eventually calls me, comes to see me, writes me. He just repeated again, don't see her, don't talk to her. I tried to explain that this is between him and her and I did nothing, I am innocent, and I am in no way a part of this. He got off his bicycle and tried to kick my ass. My friends at work stepped up. He said he would "put a bullet in the back of [my] fucking head" and pedalled off. An hour later he called me at work threatening to kill me again. I called the cops and filed a report against him.

Now, as they say, the sword of damocles is hanging over his head and not only are people laying in wait for a chance to kick his ass but I'm getting a temporary restraining order on him so that he even so much as farts around me, his ass is in jail. I'm hoping that will end all this right there in its tracks.

Like I said, I had it all written out right here but I deleted it. I don't want to piss someone off any more than he already is. I mean, even if I lay out the entire truth right here, someone would get angry. Then somebody would come to work and try to kick my ass again. Then somebody would come to my work and get his ass kicked, not by me, but by all the people who have my back. Then somebody would get thrown in jail and rot there for a million years.

But I don't want that. I don't want to see him in jail. I don't want him to be angry or mad or upset. I don't want anymore stupid drama bullshit. I don't want anymore bullshit drama in my life anymore, like I'm back in high school, like it's fucking junoir high. I'm going to invoke Terry Pratchett here when I say that I do not want to live in interesting times anymore. Fuck drama bullshit and fuck this high school bickering drama and fuck all this stupid, pointless "She heard from him who talked to this one guy who said that he says that he's really pissed at you" junior high stuff and fuck living in interesting times. My last year has been so fucking interesting that I'm sick of it.

This entire past year I have been forced into so much stupid, pointless, whining, crybaby bullshit, so much excitement and anger and yelling and fighting, so much bullshit drama interesting times. All I want now, all I want, is to be left alone, to be left in peace, to never have to talk about them, to think about them, to see them, to smell them, to see them, to spend time with them, to talk with them. I would be happy to live a boring, uneventful life from here on out, like three months of boredom. That would be my dream, my wish, to be bored and to not be flung into a new adventure and never have to deal with the lovebirds ever again.

And hopefully that's the end of that one. I'm scared, sure, but I'm not crying, not looking over my back. My back is taken care of, what with friends and police and security and that temporary restraining order I'm getting. But if that's the road he wants to travel, more interesting times, then more power to him.

Or, if he was in any way smart, he would just leave me alone.

I'm Reverend Steve. This is life and this is my web page and this is the man I am. Just live with it.

Friday, April 11, 2003

The Big HIM has called me today.

The Big HIM called me today about fifty times. At least fifty times, but probably more. Constantly calling. Leaving me a ton of messages. Always a phone ringing somewhere in the house, either the house phone or my own cell phone. Letting me know that he's not after me, that he's not going to come to my house and get me. He actually said that. Said that more than once, saying "Steve ... I'm not after you. If I was, I would have gotten you by now." That's an actual quote. Telling me to just answer the phone. Telling me that he just needs to talk to me.

And I never answered.

And he just called me more, called me more often, leaving me more messages, calling much more frequently. Just like before. But this time telling me that if I was a man that I would pick up the phone, that he is not going to come and get me, but I need to stop hiding from everything and just talk to him.

And I nevere answered. I didn't do shit. Usually, when he calls me like this, me and my mom look at each other and say "Well, guess Collyne's missing again" and we have a laugh. Because when the Big HIM calls me then it's usually because Collyne's ran away and he thinks that she's with me. Happened a few times before. And I figured that this is what happened this time. I mean, why is he calling. Why is he wanting to talk to me? Because she game be a birthday card?

Please stop calling me. And especially during wrestling.

I could easily live the rest of my life never speaking to you guys again. Seriously. Let's just try that out and see what happens.