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Thursday, July 22, 2004

I hate being alone because then I am left with my thoughts and when that happens, sadness usually follows.

MOOD: soreand congestedbutcontent

BACKGROUND:Eddie Izzard's "Circle" DVD

It's not that I'm depressed. That is not me. Don't get me wrong. My life is good. It is very good. My daughter, my incredibly funny and beautiful two year old daughter Emerald, says more and more words every day. It's incredible to watch a little baby girl become a young woman right in front of my face. I never ever wanted to be a father and to be honest when I started dating Natasha over a year ago I knew that she had a child but I didn't let it sink in my mind. I never thought that I would become a dad and a father and have a young girl's life in my hands, but now that i do, it is the greatest gift in the world. I am a father. I am a dad. And I would not give that up for anything in the world.

My work is good. My work is excellent. As far as I'm concerned, my job is "the greatest and best job in the world (tribute)" and no other job can come close to being the manager of the children's department of a Barnes and Noble bookstore. There are some negative aspects of it, I will admit. There's a manager or two there who think that employee satisfaction means talking down to their employees and not caring about how they feel. And occasionally there runs a slight scent of Machiavellian political maneuvering throughout the breakroom, but those things are slight flaws. My employees support and respect my work with Woodism and that is utterly incredible. I could not ask for better people to work with. Plus, my job is the best. I read children's books, get some free stripped copies of cool sci-fi and teen series stuff, I run a Harry Potter club for kids that meets once a month, I get to do two ultra cool storytimes a week, including a Pajama storytime that allows me to be at work in pajamas and a t-shirt and socks. Apart from the occasional fat white trash lady and the asshole yuppie businessman, no one has a better job than I do.

I have, sadly, grown apart from my family. I love them and care for them and miss them, but I never see them or talk to them. My parents occasionally call me up when they're drinking and into a talkative mood, but since they're obviously drinking when they call me, I feel like I am the equivalent to a "Hey, whatever happened to ..." conversation, like they only call me when they've had a few and go, oh crap, we have a son named Steve, don't we? And my brother, I love and care for and all that stuff, but I also don't see him. There are a million things I could say at this point but I decide not to. My brother is a strange, unclassifiable entity. I miss them.

Natasha and I have been through a gauntlet recently. We have been tested on how strong our love for each other really is. We have been severely tested on our love and our trust and on how far we want to go with each other. there's been some pain and there's been the divulgence of some hidden stuff that stings and weighs down on a person, makes them struggle, makes it hard to breathe sometimes, but after almost three weeks of heartache and drama and tears and emotion, I think that Natasha and I are finally ready to be with each other, and with only with each other, for the rest of our lives.

I am afraid that I might become famous. This is something that I've had a really hard time talking about to anyone, not like I have any friends anyway, but I thought that by talking it out here I might feel better. I don't want anyone to think that I'm cocky or that I have a big ass ego, because I am one of the most ego-less people you're likely to meet. I'm skinny, nerdy, shy, quiet, nice, and I watch a lot of Ed Wood films and pro-wrestling. But I'm scared nonetheless.

I've always been a sort of semi-celebrity because of my website. I have a little cult following. I'm big in England and Germany and especially Italy. I've had the Church of Ed Wood since 1996. I've been preaching and promoting my religion since back when I was nineteen and I'm twenty-eight now. And I've had some minor successes. I've been on and I've been on Mark and Brian and that asshole jerkoff piece of crap Howard Stern-wannabe Mancow's shitty show and I've been on a little bit of tv and I've had a lot of ink done and I've garnered a little bit of success. But I finally feel on the verge of something big, something monumental, something that will change my life forever.

First off, I was interviewed for a piece about me on Film, the leading world's leading internet movie site. It was a great inverview that I feel perfectly encapsulated everything that is important about the religion I created. Click here right now and go read it because it's really good stuff. And that brought with it a lot of parties interested in what I was doing, which felt good to finally have some major recognition. But last monday, I was interviewed for an article that is going to run in the October issue of Premiere magazine. I walked over the phone with the interview guy, the editor of the Action section of the magazine, for about 45 minutes about Ed Wood and Woodism and everything. It was an amazing interview and it's going to run in one of the world's major entertainment magazines. And the reality of that scares me.

I am going to be published in fucking Premiere magazine. I am going to be known. My religion is going to be known. Joe Six-Pack in West Memphis who beats his wife and fucks his daughter is going to know who I am (BTW FREE THE WEST MEMPHIS THREE). Almost everyone I grew up with is going to see who I've become. Every ex-girlfriend I've ever had is going to see me as Reverend Steve Galindo. That is amazing. That is fucking crazy. Wow. Pick up a copy of the October issue when you get a chance.

As for me, I need to get ready for work. See you.

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