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Thursday, October 28, 2004

I'm scared of being a success.

MOOD: blankandsore


First off, major apologies to everybody and everyone for not being on-line or updating the church recently. I know I need to update the website and post pictures from my live festival and answer e-mails and a whole lot of stuff, but my life has been hectic as hell lately. My computer, my crappy little laptop piece of shit computer, committed suicide on October 17th, the MORNING of Ed-Woodstock, which has made these past weeks absolutely horrible for me, especially since I've been finding myself recently making a name for myself.

In the past six months, I've been covered, mentioned, interviewed, covered, and whatnot by Premiere magazine, Film Threat, Rue Morgue magazine, Canadian radio, the San Francisco Chronicle, the American River College newspaper (whatever that's called) and the Sacramento News and Review. And that's not all, either. I have an upcoming interview with Bizarre magazine, England's coolest and probably most disturbing magazine. And a week from tomorrow, the National Enquirer, as in THE National Enquirer, will be running a little article about me and the Church of Ed Wood. This, all of this, scares the living shit out of me. Seriously.

Plus, adding to all the crazy shitstorm surrounding me lately, I can now officially say that I have succeeded in my childhood dream, my lifelong dream, Ed-Woodstock, my live music and movie event that I've dreamed of doing since I was a kid. It happened. It actually happened. It was everything I had ever dreamed of and more. I still can't believe it happened. It took every bit of courage and strength I have not to cry all the times that I was on stage. It's a rare thing to see your lifelong dreams fullfilled, so personal thanks go out to every single person who was there, especially all the bands, my future wife Natasha and my darling daughter Emerald, my brother Jose, and everyone from my work, with special thanks to Lisa, Jessie, Ian, Michael, and my wonderful Marisa.

So, that, all of that, is why my computer crashing is a million times harder. I'm finally being successfull, being known. Things are happening to me. Things are actually happening. In less than three weeks, my church will be eight years old. Eight years old. That's a long time. And in 1996, once I first started talking my wild thoughts about Ed Wood and God, I knew that this could one day be a success, that I could see myself writing a bible and being interviewed and going on "tour" and being successfull. And now, once I don't have a computer, it finally happens after eight years of trying.

But now that it's happening, I don't want it.

People have started to come to m work to talk to me, to see me. And The National Enquirer? That's big league shit, not that Premiere isn't, you know? But this is the National Enquirer. If they can find nude pictures of Marlon Brando, they will have no problem with ruining my entire life in a quarter of a page. No, man, just a few sentences. It's like, suddenly people are calling me and e-mailing me and writing to me about all these ideas and deals and whatever.

I'm trying not to break down. Man, I'm just a skinny twentysomething mexican guy from Phoenix who hates himself and works at a bookstore. I'm nobody special. I am of no particular interest. I mean, I do have this mad plan to save the world, but that makes the plan special, not the person who came up with the idea. I'm scared. I'm frightened. I don't know about my life anymore.

I'll tell you more when my computer gets fixed.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Wow, I actually feel important, like I am somebody worthwhile.

MOOD: excitedbutallasthma

BACKGROUND: The Format "Interventions + Lullabies"

So this weekend is the culmination of almost half my life's work, my dream ever since I was fifteen years old, to have a festival in an actual movie theater that brought together great music and Ed Wood movies, to call in Edwoodstock and to be on stage talking to people and making them happy. And in order to have this happen successfully, I've been forced to crawl out of the hole that I usually hide underneath and talk to people and schedule interviews and meet with people and a whole bunch of other stuff that I usually try not to do seeing as how I'm so shy.

So yesterday the November issue of Premiere magazine ... yes, that's right, THE Premiere magazine ... came out and it had a little article about me. It was frightening to see that my article and interview shared the page with Matt Parker and Trey Stone, the creators of South Park. That was a bit of a mindfuck for a shy, skinny little mexican boy from Prestcott, Arizona.

So, to sum up, I'm in the November issue of Premiere magazine, the 7th Anniversary Halloween issue of Rue Morgue magazine, this week's Sacramento News and Review with a big two-page spread, and Film has an interview with me and a bit of news as well.

And my life still hasn't changed. I though it would but it hasn't. I'm still having nosebleeds. I'm still having asthma problems. But somewhere deep inside me, I have this unshakable feeling that I'm important. And that feels really cool.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

This is going to be the most stressful week of my entire life and I will spend this entire week trying not to freak out or cry or just completely lose it, all because my childhood dream is about to come true.

MOOD: nervous

BACKGROUND: Ed Wood soundtrack

I'm talking about Ed-Woodstock, my childhood dream which in one week's time is going to become a reality. I could talk for days and days about how important this next week is for me, that my childhood dream is about to come true.

It is absolutely incredible and humbling and simply mind-boggling to me to think that I first had the idea for Ed-Woodstock way back in 1992. I mean, where were YOU in 1992? Me? I was a nerdy fifteen year old virgin with very little friends other than my old movies. And now I'm twenty-seven with a daughter and a family and my lifetime dream is about to happen and I have so much to do and think about and plan and write that I feel like my heart could explode from fear and happiness all at the same time.

And, technically, this isn't the first Ed-Woodstock. I actually had a makeshift Ed-Woodstock in 1994 in my parent's living room in Glendale, Arizona. Joey Karas was there are Telle Jarboe and Jamie Wedow and John-O. My older brother Joe sat in with us for most of it. My old catholic school buddy Greg was there for seemingly nothing more than to temporarily make out with Michelle, his girlfriend whom I crushed on for my entire senior year of high school, right on my parent's couch. That was strange. I think Daif was probably there as well. And I remember being really, really upset that my best friend Tom was out of town and couldn't come. And a part of me wishes that he could come next week but I know he probably won't.

We stayed up all night and watched bad movies. All of us. We laughed and ate bad food and drank soda and had an incredible time. It was incredible. It was amazing. It was like my high school friends were meeting my childhood friends, my movies. And especially Ed Wood. To me, he was like a childhood friend. I looked up to him and admired him and in my mind he was really my imaginary friend. And why not? He was a misunderstood maverick rebel who tried to reach the spotlight and got nothing but laughter and ridicule. And yet he never stopped trying to reach his dreams. Other kids had G.I. Joe as their imaginary friend and I had Ed Wood. No wonder I turned out this way.

For the first few hours of the first Ed-Woodstock there was almost 30 people there, various friends and whatever. It was fun. It was a nice little get-together of people having fun and being peacefull and watching Ed Wood films. But by one am there was only about five of us left, drinking Jolt and feeling like the night was perfect and that it could go on forever and that WE could stay up forever and never grow up and just screw around and have fun until the day we died.

And someone, Joey I think, said, wouldn't it be cool if we could have a big Ed-Woodstock with bands and movies in an actual movie theater. And I laughed and nodded and thought that it could never happen, that even though that would be my ultimate dream, to feel that happiness and love and unending fun in such a massive scale as to fill an entire theater, that there would never be a way for Ed-WOodstock to ever happen again.

And now, I find myself about to cry from thinking that, over twelve years later, that my Ed Wood dream is about to finally come true.


... and I hope to see you there!

Monday, October 4, 2004

I hurt really bad inside and I just can't seem to make it stop.

MOOD: dead

BACKGROUND: Socialburn "Where You Are"

I know I shouldn't be this way. There's no reason for me to feel sad and depressed and down and hurt and alone. Fuck, I should feel on top of the world right now. I should be happy and partying and getting tore up and feeling absolutely fabulous, not feeling sad and angry and detached like I've been feeling these past few weeks. But no matter how hard I try I can't shut off or deny these feelings that I've been feeling. Because I've really been feeling like shit lately. I feel slow and sad and completely detached from everyone except Natasha and the baby. I feel completely and absolutely exhausted like I've been wrestling with a handfull of demons all by myself.

I mean, my life's work, my religion, is finally starting to take off. People are really finally starting to talk about Woodism for once in my life. I should feel really happy and proud. I mean, I've gotten into Rue Morgue magazine with a sweet two page article, Premiere magazine's doing a little article about me that comes out this month, and my director friend Mr. Michael got a paragraph about my religion into the San Francisco Chronicle and might get some screen time to preach Woodism on IFC. And I just had a photo shoot for the piece that the Sacramento News and Review is setting up to run about me in their October 14th issue, just in time for my live movie and music festival event on October 17th.

Things are going absolutely great for me. My life has finally started moving. The ball is rolling after all these years I've spent staring at it, wishing it would move. Things are finally happening in my life.

So why do I feel like shit and how the hell do I make it stop?