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Thursday, October 28, 2004

I'm scared of being a success.

MOOD: blankandsore


First off, major apologies to everybody and everyone for not being on-line or updating the church recently. I know I need to update the website and post pictures from my live festival and answer e-mails and a whole lot of stuff, but my life has been hectic as hell lately. My computer, my crappy little laptop piece of shit computer, committed suicide on October 17th, the MORNING of Ed-Woodstock, which has made these past weeks absolutely horrible for me, especially since I've been finding myself recently making a name for myself.

In the past six months, I've been covered, mentioned, interviewed, covered, and whatnot by Premiere magazine, Film Threat, Rue Morgue magazine, Canadian radio, the San Francisco Chronicle, the American River College newspaper (whatever that's called) and the Sacramento News and Review. And that's not all, either. I have an upcoming interview with Bizarre magazine, England's coolest and probably most disturbing magazine. And a week from tomorrow, the National Enquirer, as in THE National Enquirer, will be running a little article about me and the Church of Ed Wood. This, all of this, scares the living shit out of me. Seriously.

Plus, adding to all the crazy shitstorm surrounding me lately, I can now officially say that I have succeeded in my childhood dream, my lifelong dream, Ed-Woodstock, my live music and movie event that I've dreamed of doing since I was a kid. It happened. It actually happened. It was everything I had ever dreamed of and more. I still can't believe it happened. It took every bit of courage and strength I have not to cry all the times that I was on stage. It's a rare thing to see your lifelong dreams fullfilled, so personal thanks go out to every single person who was there, especially all the bands, my future wife Natasha and my darling daughter Emerald, my brother Jose, and everyone from my work, with special thanks to Lisa, Jessie, Ian, Michael, and my wonderful Marisa.

So, that, all of that, is why my computer crashing is a million times harder. I'm finally being successfull, being known. Things are happening to me. Things are actually happening. In less than three weeks, my church will be eight years old. Eight years old. That's a long time. And in 1996, once I first started talking my wild thoughts about Ed Wood and God, I knew that this could one day be a success, that I could see myself writing a bible and being interviewed and going on "tour" and being successfull. And now, once I don't have a computer, it finally happens after eight years of trying.

But now that it's happening, I don't want it.

People have started to come to m work to talk to me, to see me. And The National Enquirer? That's big league shit, not that Premiere isn't, you know? But this is the National Enquirer. If they can find nude pictures of Marlon Brando, they will have no problem with ruining my entire life in a quarter of a page. No, man, just a few sentences. It's like, suddenly people are calling me and e-mailing me and writing to me about all these ideas and deals and whatever.

I'm trying not to break down. Man, I'm just a skinny twentysomething mexican guy from Phoenix who hates himself and works at a bookstore. I'm nobody special. I am of no particular interest. I mean, I do have this mad plan to save the world, but that makes the plan special, not the person who came up with the idea. I'm scared. I'm frightened. I don't know about my life anymore.

I'll tell you more when my computer gets fixed.

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