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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

We've had a miscarriage.

That hurts. A lot. I have this detached, isolated feeling inside me now, like I'm outside in the cold and everything's just a strange dream. It feels not like I'm dealing with this big, massive pain but that I'm looking at it from afar, like the pain is in a store window and I'm just looking at it in the cold, in the snow. Which is strange because I've also been feeling really happy. Work has been really good. It's been busy enough so that I don't have to think about things, a steady sort of busy that doesn't allow me to stand around feeling bad emotions.

But I'm afraid to look people in the eye, especially my co-workers. I don't want them to know. i don't want to TELL them, you know? I don't want people to tear up and feel bad for me and hug me and ask me if everything's ok and tell me that if I ever need someone to talk to, that they're there for me. I don't want them to try to cheer me up. I think that would just make me feel worse. There's pain around, sure, and I'm dealing with it but it's quiet and slow and isolated. And it's frightening. But i don't need sympathy hugs from co-workers I barely know, you know?

Going through a million things in my mind right now. There's things I don't want to think about. A lot of them, actually, and not all of them are the miscarriage, too. I'm dealing with a lot of emotions and trying to admit some things to myself while trying to forget others. But I also have this careless, lazy asshole cocky Shawn Michaels feeling tome, you know, and I feel like I'm an asshole for that, that I'm going through so much pain but I'm still laughing and joking and being a prick. Which is strange. I have guilt because I show no guilt which makes me feel guilty. So I'm a walking emotional impossibility. I could cry or go to sleep or pass out or faint at any time.

It's strange. It's all strange. I feel really strange, like I stand out, like everybody who looks at me knows. My life feels like a strange sort of dream. I have to sit down and try really hard to realize that the events of last night weren't some dream, that they did happen. Wow. Crazy stuff. And I just read my girlfriend's livejournal and it came as a kind of a shock to see that she has been feeling pretty much the same way that I've been feeling throughout all this. She feels like she has to be strong for me. I feel like I haven't been there for her and that I'm a bastard for not feling worse than I feel, like I should be punished for not crying right now.

I love my Natasha and I never want to lose her. That is the most important thing in the world to me right now. Me and my family - Natasha, Emerald, the fucking cat, and even Marisa. They are my entire life. Especially my tasha. I don't want her to have to feel like she has to be strong for me. I feel the same way she feels. I just want to get drunk and pass out and forget. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to forget. I want to feel again.

I'm afraid that I could get to a point where I don't care about a lot of things right now. I care still. But I could see myself not giving a shit. And that's frightening to me.

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