NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest or, you wuss!


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The lack of a colorized "Plan 9" DVD review ...

... this is a picture of me and my newborn daughter Isabela and my wife Natasha at Marisa's turducken party. The person next to us is Marisa's boyfriend, the one who is currently working on our broken computer.

I would really like to post a review of the newly restored and colorized "Plan 9 from Outer Space" DVD that I recently received in the mail. But I don't have a computer. It's being fixed. So that means that I need to use Natasha's mom's computer. Which Natasha won't usually let me use because she wants to spend time with me during our rare time together, not watch me on the computer.

So I have to wake up early, in this case 5:50 am, to sneak next door in the darkness and the rain, so that I can plop myself in front of a computer and check my e-mail and burn cds and update my iPod. This is a pain. And it really makes me wish I had a computer. But the last time I asked a certain big tittied former GVWA champion friend of mine where my computer was and how long it would be (it's been about two and a half + months now I believe) she told me to get off her back, very angrily-like.

So I'm stuck sneaking around to use a computer. Sucks, but what are you gonna do, huh? So this, in a nutshell, is why I have yet to post a review of the dvd. Sorry. One day I'll get around to it.

Speaking of big breasted forver GVWA champions, here's a short quicktime video of my now four year old daughter Emerald, who learned how to spell bananas (sadly) from Gwen Stefani. It's heartwarmingly cute and vaguely frightening at the same time. Big thanks goes out to awesome guy and not at all metrosexual Mr. "Mean" Michael Burns for capturing this at the turducken orgy.

And in the bakground you can see "Angry" Marisa and her boobies drinking alcohol. Awesome.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Loud crackers on a rainy day ...

... so it was Emerald's birthday yesterday. She's turning four years old this tuesday. It was a small party, a handfull of Emerald's friends and Natasha and I's friends ... and a few incredibly loud crackers. That's not a diss. There are a LOT of angry crackers on Natasha's side of the family, no offense to any crackers who might be reading this blog.

It's just that there's such an extreme juxtaposition between Natasha's loud and angry and (for a few aunts) supremely cracked out family and my own quiet and drunk little mexican family and the differences gets to me sometimes. I really want Emerald and Isabela to get to know their OTHER relatives, my side of the family and my aunts and uncles and my cousins and their cousins and even the forrest of relatives I have in Mexico that even I don't really know about. But most of these people are way out in Arizona so all my kids ever get to see are people from Natasha's side. And that makes me sad sometimes.

Anyway, Emerald's birthday was yesterday. There's a massive storm going on right now. I'm glad it only started sprinkling yesterday. It was a fun party. Emerald got a ton of stuff she wanted. I spent a good hour trying to open it all up this morning. Annoying how they make toy packages nowadays. You have to be a fucking mad genius to be able to open this shit nowadays. I opened a Littlest Pet Shop playset. That thing had like ten different layers of security. What gives? Jesus.

This is the only picture that was taken that features me in it. All the others are of Emerald or her and her mother. Not bitter, though.

Emerald's birthday parties always take me back to her second birthday, which was the first one that I was present for. I explained that to Emerald yesterday evening and she seened to understand that I became her daddy when she was one year old. I wish that I could have been there from the beginning, though. I will always regret not having the opportunity to meet Natasha and Emerald earlier so that I wouldn't miss out on being a daddy to her when she was a baby, like Isabela. Every time another one of her birthdays rolls around I get a little bit sad and wish

I stress out a lot over my little Bela. I have never, literally NEVER, been around babies before Isabela was born. Now she cires and cries and it's like somebody's punching me in the stomach. It's like Jesus Christ is slapping me in the face. It's like watching an angel bleed to death. It's like the absolute worst parts of every break up I've ever had, all balled up into a screech of utter pain. It hurts me like nothing has ever hurt me before and there is absolutely no way that I can despribe it properly. It hurts mad.

Now it's raining like mad outside. It's coming down hard like I've never seen it rain before since I've lived here. When I moved to Sacramento all I heard about was the rain and the storms and the rainy "season" and the floods. But since I moved there's been little to no rain. Which I don't mind in the slightest. I hate rain. There's hardly any rain in Phoenix and Mesa and Tempe and Glendale. When it DOES rain, it comes as one big epic biblical storm, the kind that leaves your swamp cooler on the street. And the lightening, too. It's epic and massive and frightening and altogether cool. So I don't mind saying it. It's raining. And I'm scared.

Yesterday, after the party, Natasha and Em and Bela and I went over to our friend Gwen's house. She is going through some serious shit. A LOT of some serious shit. In fact, like Jesus, I think Gwen's going through everyone else's drama FOR US, like Jesus had to die for our sins sort of stuff. She's going through so much and I feel really bad but at the same time I know that I can't do anything about it other than just be an ear. Which I did last night. Plus I got my drink on, which I hardly ever get to do anymore. I love getting a chance to hang out and drink with somebody, especially now that I have two little girls now. Gwen rocks. And so do her kids.

Here's a picture of Emerald in her Halloween costume. She looks amazing ...

Yesterday I got my FREE copy of the Limited Edition restored colorized DVD of Ed Wood's classic "Plan 9 from Outer Space". I'll post a full review here in a few days.

Still no computer from me. That sucks.

Monday, December 12, 2005

ONION article (for all my booksellers in the house) ...

New Book Written From Perspective Of Gargamel
December 7, 2005 | Issue 41•49

NEW YORK—Gregory Maguire, author of Wicked, the story of Oz told from the Wicked Witch's perspective, has completed a novel told from the point of view of the Smurf-hating sorcerer Gargamel. "I thought this much-maligned man worthy of closer scrutiny, perhaps even sympathy," Maguire said. "His lust for the Smurfs' gold can't entirely explain his actions. His creation of Smurfette, his uneasy partnership with Azrael, his possibly forbidden feelings for his assistant Scruple—there's definitely more than meets the eye." HarperCollins will release I Hate Those Smurfs...? in February.

Sting, Sting, Plan 9, Sting and FUCKING Sting ...

... first off, some "Plan 9" news for everybody. A company called Legend films has just recently finished colorizing the Ed Wood magnum opus "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and being that I am one of the world's leading authorities of all things Ed Wood, having created my own religion based on the life and films of Ed, the people at Legend films are sending me a free copy so that I can watch it and chime my own two cents in.

That is awesome, just so's you know. I get a free copy of the brand new colorized "Plan 9" because of this strange sort of quasi-celebrity status that I seem to have. Well, I WAS in Premiere magazine and all, scoff scoff.

Now I know that a lot of film purists (and, in my opinion, elisist film snobs) are quick to object to any film's colorization, but they've done MORE than just make it in color. They've restored the film, made it sharper and crisper, and they've even included never before seen Ed Wood home movies and tv commercials. I'm no film snob. As far as i'm concerned this dvd is THE movie for Ed fans to have and I eagerly await my free copy to decide for myself.

If you still doubt, then go to their web site and watch their restored "Plan 9" preview and TELL ME it doesn't look good.

In wrestling news TNA wrestling, the world's leading and ONLY alternative to the graveyard that is the WWE, has somehow managed to aquire STING, the wrestler that wrestling fans have been waiting to return for YEARS now. YEARS! Years and years and years of waiting patiently in front of the tv set watching WWE and hoping that white face crow Sting would show up and kick some ass. Now its happening and its NOT in a WWE ring.

This is HUGE! The war between WWE and TNA is officially ON! FInally, it's once again an exciting time to be a fan of professional wrestling.

About goddamn time!

Friday, December 9, 2005

The White Stripes live (and why I wouldn't) ...

... I am a HUGE fan of the White Stripes. I've been into them for a good four or five years now and I have all their albums, even some stuff I've had to look long and hard for. I would say that my favorite songs of theirs are "I'm Bound to Pack It Up" from De Stijl and their live version of "Jolene" from Blackpool Deluxe. I am all about the White Stripes. For my money, they are one of the greatest bands that's alive today and, if they continue on the road they're on right now, they will soon be known as one of the world's greatest bands EVER.

That said, I don't think I would ever see them live.

WHY, you ask?

The answers are in this AWESOME song by kick ass Boston band The Cautions ...

THe Cautions: Big Hit Song (download it now)

Talk to you later. Remind me to tell you all about my big "Plan 9" news!

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

The God of Hives ...

... the God of Hives is a mean and vengeful God. I should know. Just look back in this blog to December 2004 and you will feel a small fraction of the vengeful wrath of the God of Hives.

Well, as it now seems, the God of Hives comes forth from my body at this exact same time every year, usually for different versions of the exact same reasons. Last year it was on account of the news of our pregnancy, then our subsequent miscarriage. It was stress, work, stress, home, stress, and stress. This year it's a different version of that. Now we have a child and all it does is cry and eat, her cries tearing a mission holes in my heart. This year its stress, work, stress, family, stress, baby, and stress.

Same song, different chorus.

So anyhoo, while I was examining my hives in the mirror two hours ago and naming them (the massive one on my inner right bicep, the one that looks like a chicken with David Bowie lips, I've named "Chicken Elvis," an original concept and NOT one based on the movie "Rock-a-Doodle" ...) it suddenly came to me out of nowhere. Suddenly I realized exactly what I needed to do ...

The God of Hives demands a sacrifice in order for him to be appeased.

So I shaved my moustache.

Hopefully, that sumbitch be appeased. I'd show you a picture if I had a computer. And I would ask why I don't have a computer if somebody wasn't suddenly becoming a weeeeeee bit angry.

But hey! That anger is what made her a GVWA Champion.

PS, Claritin Hives works well. FYI for you there if you need it.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The lyrics to the SINGLE GREATEST x-mas song EVER ...

Dead, Dead, Dead (Someday We'll All Be)

Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday you'll be dead.
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday we'll all be dead.

The minute we're born we start dying
We die a little more every day
Young or old Rich or poor
There's nothing we can do to stop it
So look long at that Christmas tree
It may be the last one that you see.
Decorate your house in green and red
`Cause someday you'll be dead.

Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday you'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday we'll all be dead

It might happen in a couple months
Or 50 years from now
But no matter when it happens
It will seem too soon to you.
So be sure on Christmas Eve
When you snuggle into bed
That you thank God for your family
`Cause someday they'll be dead.

Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday they'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday we'll all be dead

Choir: Ah-ah!

Who knows how many Christmases are left in their short life?
Nobody knows, that my point,
Enjoy them while you can.
And so on Christmas morning
Let good tidings fill your head.
What a festive season

Someday you'll be dead.
Dead, Dead, Dead
Someday we'll be dead
Dead, Dead, Dead
Everyone you know, dead

A Very Merry Christmas to you
Dead, Dead, Dead.

Choir: Merry Christmas Everybody!

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Story of Ol' Solicitin' Steve ...

... so every time there's a big wave of new employees at my work, I always feel that it's my duty to school them in the ways of Woodism so I usually leave a few copies of a Woodism flyer or my big Film Threat interview in the break room, on the fridge, on the break room table, on the community bulliten board, wherever, and let the newbies stumble on it themselves. I've been doing this since 2002. I feel its my duty to let the new kids know that I am Reverend Steve.

Well, a few days ago I was told by one of the managers that I am no longer allowed to leave any flyers or interviews or anything else Woodian in the break room.

The reason?

They say I am soliciting.

I say that's bullshit. Furthermore, I also say that someone obviously doesn't know what soliciting means. I'm very bitter and upset and hurt and angry about this. I love my job and my coworkers. I love what I do.

But this pisses the fuck out of me.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Joys of Staying Through the Credits ...

... I am rare. I am special. That is because, unlike everyone else who books straight out of a motion picture right at the end so that they can "beat traffic," I always stay through the whole credits.

It's a sign of respect to a great movie, to sit through the entire credits. It's something that my wife and I do only to those really special films that we love. And seeing as how we sgo and see a movie every two or three months now ... aah, the joys of fatherhood ... almost every film we see is a really special film we love. I have no idea why everybody just takes off when the credfdits start rolling. Not only does it show a true love of motion pictures to sit there through the credits but it also allows you to exit from a virtually empty theater and not push and shove your way through a massive swelling of people rushing to the bathroom once they see "Directed By" on the screen. Plus it's also really fun to make fun of the gay Hollywood names on the credits. Like MST3K. It's awesome.

The best part of staying through the credits is that, sometimes, you are rewarded by some extra added bonus scene hidden either somewhere deep within the credits or safely stowed away right after they've finished. There's an entra reading from "The Book" deep within the credits to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that's really funny. I saw it at a sold out preview and yet when that passage came on there were only about twenty people there to see it. A secret club of credit watchers. There's a incredibly hillarious and disturbing as fuck "Milkshake" scene at the end of Dodgeball that will probably haunt me for life. My favorite line in Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy is "Well he missed the clown!" from the end credits. There's also another secret club little eight second scene at the end of Wet Hot Aamerican Summer. These are like "thank you" giftf to people like me, thanking me for loving the movie so much to stay through the entire credits.

I say this because I saw a sneak preview of The Producers on monday. There was hardly anyone there, probably about forty or so people there hardly filling up the shitty downtown theater. I was there with Jesse and Ian and Jess and my wife and sitting behind us some annoyingly loud and ostentatious "I shop at Hot Topic" type theater fags. The movie was awesome. If you haven't seen the musical, then you HAVE to see this film ... and if you HAVE seen the musical, then the movie is even better. It's an awesome film and as the end credits rolled my wife and I cuddled up together and started making fun of names. And I was upset to see Ian and Jess and Jesse leave because I didn't peg them as credit leavers. They said that it was because they were tired. Whatever.

Whatever reason they had, they missed the incredibly awesome German ballad song that Will Ferrel does during the end credits. he takes his first song, the "Hop Clop" song, and transforms it into a love ballad that is just hillarious when you realize what you're listening to. And what he whispers at the end of the song is histerical. And it mentioned my work, which I strangely felt some sense of pride in. Which is strange. And, another incredible secret club scene, there is a big full cast musical number at the end of the credits. Tht's right, an entire awesome little full cast musical number after the credits. It even featured Mell Brooks! It's probably the single most awesome end credit scene EVER. And there were only eight people left in the theater to see it. And two of those eight were me and my wife.

Syat for the credits. I guess that's what I'm saying. Stay. What's your fucking hurry, huh? Kick back, eat the rest of your popcorn, make fun of people's names and relax. And you just might be rewarded at the end.

Just watch.

Monday, November 21, 2005


- It sucks that I don't have the internet, that my computer sucks and that we are waiting for Marisa and her boyfriend to supply us with a computer. But what DOESN'T suck is the TURDUCKEN that they are "allegedly" making for their X-mas party. That is so incredibly awesome. I'm not sure if I spelled that right, the whole turducken thing. Either way, i'll be the one with bells on at their party.

- I watched the WWE Smackdown tribute to "Latino Heat" Eddie Guerrero last night. The best words were spoken by fake-teethed redneck douchebag JBL whose words, although obviously prewritten, were honest tearjerkers. During the night, Shane MacMahon said "The chants of 'Eddie, Eddie Eddie' will live on in ourt hearts forever." And I was suddenly taken back to February 2004 when my family was there live to see Eddie win the championship from Brock Lesnar. When Eddie first came out, I remember chanting Eddie's name as loud as I ever yelled ANYTHING! I felt like a child watching the WWF at the Arizona State Fair in the eighties, watching Hulk Hogan wrestle the Macho Man Randy Savage, chanting Hogan's name as loud as I possibly could in the innocent childlike hopes that the louder that I cheered, the more chance that he'd have to win. That's how I chanted Eddie's name that night. And he won. Eddie was one of my heroes and I do not have too many. Eddie's name will be chanted in my heart forever.

- On a somewhat related note, I have a brand new love. Her name is Megan. Despite her incredibly tallness or her Lutheran upbringing or her love of "The Sound of Music" ... she has the most extensive knowledge of professional wrestling that I have EVER seen on ANYONE ... male OR female! OMFG, she seriously knows her fucking pro-wrestling! Jesus H. Christ, she knows wrestling and WWF and WWE and WCW and ECW! And she has a VAGINA! Wow, that is so incredibly awesome! I am so in love with her now.

- Despite what anybody says, "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" jokes NEVER go out of style.

- In the past week, I have heard the MC Hammer song "Pray" more times than anyone should ever have to hear that song. And if there was a way, although I honestly believe that it's impossible, to somehow record how many times the song that Bobbie Brown wrote for Ghostbusters 2 has played inside the Barnes and Noble at Arden Mall in Sacramento, California in a single year, I honestly believe that the number would be beyond the fifties. And that is so incredibly frightening.

- Right now I am watching Sifl and Olly. It is such an amazing work of pure comedic genius that if you have never seen Sifl and Olly, you are probably going to hell.

- The greatest song ever written and the one that I have been listening to constantly lately is the Beatles song "In My Life." It perfectly represents me right now, the place I am in my life, a man who is nearing his thirties, a man who is married with two kids in a foriegn state away from all his relatives. There are places I remember, times from my past, and I have found myself stopping and thinking about these things, these pieces of my past. Suddenly being quiet and introspective and remembering Glendale and ASU and Tom and Joey and Telle and Deer Valley and Debby and Bennigan's and Sarah and Fag-staff and Saint Simon and Michelle and Rocky Horror and Alaskan Bush Company and fucking at the Phoenix Zoo. And I love all those memories. I do. But I love the life that I have now more than those things that I find myself remembering. That is the song "In My Life" and that is exactly how I feel right now when I'm driving to work in the morning or when my two month old daughter is asleep on my chest. In my life I may think long and hard about my past but I love my present more than my past.

- Two words: Labatt fucking Blue. There's nothing better.

- I would SO buy a legless dog.

- My parents are coming into town this wednesday. They are coming down from Arizona because my brother Joe couldn't get out of his kareoke job. So they came from Arizona to Sacramento for Thanksgiving for my brother. They are NOT, it should be noted, coming down here to make it easier on me and my family and my newborn daughter. No. They are coming down here to make it easier on my older brother Jose and his little dirtbar kareoke job. And not my two month old daughter. This should be duly noted.

- Tonight I am going to go see a preview of the movie "The Producers." Here's a psychic review ... fucking AWESOME!!!

- Natasha wants to move to Arizona. Natasha's parents are already planning on moving to Arizona. Natasha's relatives are either planning on moving to Arizona or have already moved to Arizona. And I am regularly told, mentioned, nudged and PUSHED towards Arizona. And that makes me want to cry. I moved from Phoenix to Sacramento with tearsn in my eyes in 2002 and now that I have found a home and a job and a family and a following, everyone around me is trying to get me to move to Phoenix. What the fuck?!? I don't want to be the guy who moves from his home to California ... just to move right back home. I don't want to be that guy. I am popular and successful here. I am a success here in California. I miss Phoenix and I would like to move back there one day but I feel that if I were to move back there now, I think that I'd be running back home with my tail between my legs. Like I lost somehow.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Latino Heat and a Sick Baby ...

... last weekend, the world lost its finest professional wrestler, "Latino Heat" Eddie Guerrero. Regardless of if he was a bad guy or a good guy, he always entranced you. He could make you impressed, make you angry, and make you smile, all in the same match. No one has ever made as many people laugh in the ring like he did. I still can't believe that he's dead. Never has a professional wrestler's death affected me so much. I just can't believe he's gone.

I saw him live three times ... once in Phoenix, Arizona the day after WCW Halloween Havoc 1998. He was with the LWO, the Latino World Order, and my friend Tom and I were the only two people in the arena cheering him on. Since I heard about his death, i've been wearing my LWO shirt. I've worn it for three days now and I don't want to take it off.

The second time was at the Cow Palace in San Francisco win the WWE Championship from bulky heavyweight asshole Brock Lesner.

I didn't think he would win, didn't believe that they would let him carry the belt, carry the entire company. I never thought they'd let a mexican hold the championship. But they did and he won that night. I remember crying when he won. I guess that makes me a complete fucking nerd but I'm just being honest. That's how moved I was that he had won. Driving back home, I felt like I had won, too, like somehow we all had won because he did.

Then I saw him live in Sacramento at a Smackdown taping wrestle overrated dickhead Kurt Angle in an amazing match that made me laugh as much as I was impressed by his intense wrestling skills. Usually a wrestler can make you laugh outside of the ring but can't wrestle worth shit (see Goldust) or it's the other way around (see Steve Blackman). Not with Eddie. He had the ability to make you laugh and he also had the heart of a true champion.

And now the world has lost him. He was an idol of mine and I cannot believe he's gone. I, and the world of wrestling, will spend our lives missing him.

Monday night, after watching the tribute episode of Raw for Eddie, I noticed that Isabela was feeling hot. She had a temperature of 101. The 24 hour nurse hotline told us we should take her in to the emergency room since she was only two months old. So we took her in. It was tough for me since Emerald woke me up at 7:30 that morning, so as we drove to the hospital I was pretty out of it.

We got to the emergency room at 11:15 at night. We were seen right before midnight. It was a pretty hardcore night, especially after the Eddie Guerrero tribute because we were already pretty emotional. I was running on so little sleep that by the time we got out of there I was drunk on sleeplessness. Make matters worse, the douchebag doctors couldn't find a vein to put an IV into Bela, so they ended up sticking her 11 times. By time eight or nine, she was so exhausted from crying bloody murder that she just passed out. Isabela was crying like she was dying, Natasha was in tears herself, and I was just nodding off. It was bad biddy, to quote Pootie Tang.

The doctor, who must have read the book "You Are Worthless" by Oswald Pratt, told us as he was dismissing her "Well, I don't know. Maybe she had pneumonia, maybe she doesn't." What kind of shit is that? When we asked her if she'll be safe, he said "Well, I don't know. Safe is a relative word. I mean, you could get hit by a car on the way home from here." WHAT THE FUCK?! We just spent over seven fucking hours here in the fucking emergency room and we get Marvin the Paranoid Android as our fucking doctor? Jesus Tap Dancing Christ! When we got back home, which was sometime around seven in the morning, we slept for almost the entire day.

It was frightening. It was insaine. It was crazy. I had the most stressful three days off in my entire life ...

... but it was all worth it to know that Isbabela's alright.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Five years ...

... just got my five year pin, five years working with the same company. I've never felt so old in my life. And I think I might be depressed.

But, seriously, I havbe the prettiest girls in the world ...

... and their beautiful smiling faces make everything better!

Plus I had 33 kids at storytime yesterday. So suck on that.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Didn't get the promotion ...

... and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't relieved about it and yet at the same time I would also be lying if I said that I wasn't upset about it. I don't know how I feel. If I'm hurt at all, it's mostly because more than one manager at my store basically did everything else OTHER than straight up tell me I was going to get it. I stressed out big time over this, cried lots of tears and stayed up through many late nights over if I should go for this or not. But I was essentially goaded into agreeing to apply for the position simply because of an unspoken agreement between me and a few higher ups that basically told me that I would get it. I feel like I was used. Kinda. But I'm also relieved. I would have been great but miserable as a manager. But now I'm back to being in my happy, peaceful little cave, entertaining my kids, working for myself, being paid shit, and continuing to be the best fucking children's lead ever, the lead that does the work of a manager, the lead that does the work of two and a half lead, the lead that's basically a manager but without the pay.

Still, I think I'm going to get drunk tonight.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

GVWA News, Sizzlers, and Ob-La-Teeth ...

... it is my sad duty to announce that starting today the GVWA, the Galindo Video Wrestling Association, will be temporarily postponed for an indefinite amount of time until such a period as I have a computer that ISN'T a goddamn fucking douchebag.

Which should hopefully be in a few weeks. Former GVWA champion and big tittied bookseller "Angry" Marisa's ... well, I guess "boyfriend" ... is getting me a computer. Well, technically he's getting Marisa some mutant supercomputer and giving us Marisa's old computer which is a much better computer that the one we have, which is made out of mud and coconuts like something on Gilligan's Island. Having a computer that actually works is like a dream ... if it ever happens, fingers crossed, because our shitty laptop is so incredibly, horribly wretched that it doesn't have the internet, doesn't have spell check. Hell, it doesn't even have Word. I'm typing with WordPad, which is pretty much equivalent to carving my blog onto stone tablets.

Not having the internet or Word makes the GVWA something like ten times more difficult to keep up as it should be. That sucks, especially because I love the GVWA so much. I think it's awesome and funny and cool and a million times cooler than the current state of professional wrestling. I put my heart and soul into it and I think it shows. So it saddens me to do this but it is temporarily on hiatus until such time as I have a non-douchebag computer. Which should hopefully be soon. Hopefully the Galindo family will soon emerge from our caves and evolve us some kick ass opposable thumbs. Hopefully.

And I had an interview at work to become a department manager. I think I succeeded in explaining to them that what I will be doing as manager is essentially what I've already been doing with the children's section but on a much bigger scale. I think I am the best person for the job. I'd be a department manager and the kid's department that I currently run would be one of the sections I would oversee. Plus, I would still be able to do my storytimes and my Harry Potter club, which has been around for almost three years now. And the best part is that I would be put on salary, which would make my family's lives a million times better. Shit. I'd actually have fucking MONEY for a change. Looks like somebody's gonna be eatin' at Sizzler. Hopefully. I'll know by this sunday.

Anyway, here's some more awesome free mash-ups ...

Grandmaster Flash VS Modest Mouse

Obie Thrice VS Beatles

Eagles VS Eminem

Look at me, getting happier every day ...

Monday, November 7, 2005

GVWA Preview and UNCENSORED Audio Action ...

... this thursday(ish) on GVWA Deviance, which will come to you fictitiously LIVE from the George Takei Flamin' Bath House in downtown Scoobeyville, New Jersey, we may very well feel the wrath of The Catholics! In a speech that has now become LEGENDARY, new GVWA Champion "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski of the faction The Catholicsa, announced that he is in fact not actually Catholic, sending SHOCKWAVES through the fake professional wrestling community. How will Jesus respond? And what about Reverend Steve, who viciously turned against the B.S.O., the dreaded Book Seller Order. Why did Steve do it and what will the leader of the B.S.O., Levar Burton, have to say?

All this and more this thursday, November 10th, from the George Takei Flamin' Bath House in downtown Scoobeyville, New Jersey. Tickets are on sale at all Quick Stop and RST Video locations, so get yours now before they sell out!

In other GVWA news, last week's pay-per-view, Halloween Herpes 2005, contained a what they call "shoot" interview with a new wrestler who called himself the N.E.F.S., the Negative Evil Foriegn Stereotype, and his interview was so incredibly controversial and offensive that it was CENSORED from the broadcast.

Well, click here now to listen to the Negative Evil Foriegn Stereotype's incredibly offensive interview!

Thursday, November 3, 2005

Officially depressed ...

... yup, it's true. I am now officially depressed.

It's depressing to have to wake up at six-thirty in the morning before my daughters and my wife are asleep. I got used to Emerald waking me up to watch cartoons with her. Now I wake up to a shrill computer screech. That depresses me.

It's depressing to be at work. Don't get me wrong. I love my work. You have to love what you do or else you should quit. It;'s that simple. And I love my work. But it breaks my heart to know that while I'm shelving ten v-carts of crap, my wife is at home with our two daughters. I want to be there and take care of them and play with them and watch trhem smile. And I'm at work instead. And every second I'm at work and not with my family it breaks my heart in two.

It's depressing the way my right hand feels. I try to deny it, try to hide it, try to act like it doesn't hurt, doesn't cramp up. But it does. I work so incredibly hard, I work my ass off, and I get paid for my hard work with a right hand that my doctor says is in the beginning stages of carpal tunnel syndrome. I'm hoping that my hand has been in so much pain lately due to the fact that, after my two month family leave, that instead of putting my feet in gradually I just dove in and did my high level of work as if I hadn't been gone for so long. Hopefully that's why it hurts so much. Hopefully.

It's depressing, this stomach problem that I have, the one that makes me scream in pain fifteen minutes after eating anything. Serious stomach problens. There's a word for what I have but I'm too embarassed to call it what it actually is. Let's just call it my stomach problem.

It's depressing to think that my daughter Isabela doesn't know my family at all. Either they're in another state or they're too busy to see her. My parents haven't even seen her out of the Nick-You. And they don't get off because they're in another state, too, because my father was IN TOWN and wasn't able to spend a few seconds to come down and see her. Isabela is constantly surrounded by her mother's family, who can be rude and loud and mean and angry and stoned and crude and very, very white. I hope one day she gets to know my family. But that will probably never happen.

It's depressing to think that I've worked my way into a glass celiegn at my job. I'm too good at what I do. I do it better than anyone else. I'm a sort of legend around the city, even out of the city. I'm literally too good at what I do. So now I'm in a position where I either advance or just continue doing my job forever. And I don't like making that decision. I've shed a lot of tears. I want to be happy with what I do but I also need to provide for my family. It's something I can't comprehend making a decision about but something that I must decide. And soon.

It's depressing to drive home from work. What used to take 30-40 mins. in rush hour traffic now takes 45-115 mins. in rush hour traffic ... and even when I leave 15 mins. early, too. That's a rough drive to do alone with just my thoughts and my music and a depressing sun setting sadly into the earth.

Thatks for listening to my bitching. Here's some free mash ups for you ...

Blue Orchid VS Gwen Stefani

Eleanor Rigby VS QOTSA

Franz Ferdinand VS Beastie Boys VS Chic

Monday, October 31, 2005

GVWA Halloween Herpes 2005 pay-per-view

(a blank screen for nine seconds, then a shot of a packed audience yelling, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Triple Freak Me Out (Beastie Boys/Franz Ferdinan mash up)" by Party Ben)

"Hello and welcome to Mother Theresa's Rotting Corpse, smack dab in the middle of El Centro, California which is such a cultural mecca that the teenagers spend their evenings cruising around the sole Burger King ... and we are here fictitiously LIVE for GVWA Halloween Herpes 2005, which is being brought to you tonight by Homosexuality and 'Cop Rock: The Complete Series' seventeen disk special edition DVD, available now at all Stuckey's! And believe me when I say that you are in for an incredible night of fake semi-offensive professional wrestling.

There are a leperous buttload of questions that are waiting to be answered tonight. First off, can GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa of the B.S.O., the dreaded Book Seller Order, hold on to her championship belt in a three way match against "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski of The Catholics and dark lord Satan of the U.H.O., the fearsome Universal Hell Order? Can Marisa and the B.S.O. keep their power against The Catholics and the U.H.O.? Also tonight, the real leader of the Book Seller Order plans to reveal himself AND Catholics leader Jesus H. Christ promises that a MAJOR player in the GVWA will join their ranks. Who will it be? And also tonight, strange director Tim Burton finally gets to the bottom of just who attacked his partner Johnny Depp last month.

And the BIG question in everyone's mind tonight ... who will rule the GVWA once the smoke clears?

Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."


"Champion" Ed Wood VS Eddie Izzard

The night opened on a loud gathering of angry, big tittied femininity as a massive swelling of female GVWA wrestlers gathered in the ring to protest the next match. GVWA champion Marisa joined, among others, Emerald and Natasha Galindo, Vampira, Betty Page, Britney Spears, and supremely fugly actress Andie MacDowell. They were chanting "Hell no, we won't go!" and waving placards denouncing transvestites Eddie Izzard and champion Ed Wood. Just then, GVWA general manager and the secretary of the interior during the Harding presidency who was the one responsible for the scandalous Teapot Done oil reserve scandal Albert B. Fall walked up to the ring holding a microphone. He demanded that the women leave but Marisa grabbed the mic from him and registered her anger over the fact that since July a MAN, a transvestite male, has been the WOMEN's champion and tonight he was going to defend the women's title against another man. That was an outrage, Marisa said, and as the GVWA champion she DEMANDED that Fall stop this match. Fall took back his microphone and said that the match would continue ... and besides, Marisa probably wouldn't be the champion after tonight anyway, at which point an angry "Angry" Marisa let loose one of her trademark "Three Dollar Slaps," sending Albert to the floor. Angered, Marisa stormed out of the ring, followed by the other females. Then, Eddie Izzard walked to the ring, followed by champion Ed Wood, who walked down to the ring to the song "Ode to Ed Wood" by Jack Lukeman, available on iTunes. Ed started this match with amazing intensity, but was cut short as Izzard took the match outside the ring, slowing the champion down with bodyslams and a powerful chokeslam on the hard floor. Izzard then began to injure Ed's legs with leg locks and figure fours, but a swift shot to Izzard's head with a white cat that was sleeping under the ring swung the match back to Ed's advantage (PERSONAL NOTE - it was my daughter Emerald's idea for Ed Wood to use a white cat to attack Eddie Izzard, which is absolutely awesome). Ed then took the match back to the ring, where a series of furious kicks and chops did their damage to Izzard. It seemed like this match would soon be over. Then, out of nowhere, which is a phrase way overused in wrestling write-ups like this one, pin up queen BETTY PAGE, who was out here protesting earlier, ran out and knocked out BOTH compeditors with a steel chair. And as she walked back to the backstage area, a bloody Izzard rolled onto the knocked out champion, gaining a three count. Eddie Izzard WINS! Eddie Izzard is now the new women's champion!!


WINNER: Eddie Izzard

(Albert B. Fall shown backstage in an office behind a desk. Natasha Galindo and "Double D" Deinna Disaster sit angrily in chairs in front of the desk, looking at each other as if they could start trading blows at any second. Fall says that he called the both of them in there in regards to their steel cage match later tonight and goes on to explain that with Natasha still healing from being run over two weeks ago and what with Deinna being beaten to within an inch of her life by Natasha for three straight weeks now, Fall has decided to make this match a TAG TEAM CAGE MATCH. Both women started screaming and arguing, but Fall inturrupted them, saying that there were two matches before their match ... the God versus Jesus match and the big Andy Kaufman/David Letterman ladder match, so they both had only two matches to find themselves a partner. Natasha and Deinna both stood up, complaining to themselves, but as they both walked to the door, Fall stopped Deinna. When they were alone, Fall told Deinna that she didn't need to look for a partner, that he had a very SPECIAL suprise tag team partner for her, someone from her personal life, someone she hasn't seen in a VERY long time. Deinna looked confused and frightened as the camera's cut to some crappy hip hop ad for shoes or something ... )


God VS Jesus Christ (of The Catholics)

Deity and creator of all things God walked to the ring first, looking angry and confident in an N.W.O. Kevin Nash sort of way. He walked down to the ring, walked over the ring ropes, and stood in the center of the ring, awaiting his son. Many secodns passed and nothing happened. God, eternally patient, waited some more in the middle of the ring. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Jesus walked down the ring dressed in a three piece suit (think Batista but less buff and gay-looking). God was confused. Jesus walked into the ring, went toe-to-toe with God, and grabbed a microphone which, in the world of professional wrestling, somehow lurks everywhere. Jesus plucked the microphone from the sky and said that later tonight there is going to be a big eight team tag tournament for the tag team championship belts. The team of The Choir Boy and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski WERE scheduled to be in the tournament, but Greg is unable to compete due to his big main event title match. So, Jesus then said that Albert B. Fall has decreed that Jesus must take Greg's place, thereby making him UNABLE to fight God in the next match. Jesus then laughs and starts to apologize for not being able to fight Him, but a vengeful God decided he'd had enough and started wailing on his son, punching him with rapid fire shots to the face, cutting Jesus open. Jesus put his hands up, begging his father to stop, but God was unrelenting, continuing to unleash his fists of creation until seven referees had to run into the ring and hold God back. God ONCE AGAIN does not get his hands on his son. this heated rivalry continues ...


Andy Kaufman VS David Letterman

David Letterman and Andy Kaufman, two friends turned heated rivals, started their hatred of each other back in July at GVWA Hardcore Homecoming when David Letterman was the special guest referee in a three way match between Bill Hicks, Andy Kaufman, and Eddie Izzard. Kaufman landed a suicide dive through the ropes, accidentally hitting the talk show host. Since that time, Letterman has had it in for the deceased comedian. David Letterman quickly stunned experienced wrestler and former Inter-Gender Wrestling Champion Kaufman with a massive belly to belly suplex and a fierce face kick. Letterman continued with two tremendous piledrives, a move which Kaufman has a history with, and an incredible vertical suplex. This seemed to be leading to an easy win for Dave, who grabbed the ladder and set it up in the ring. But as he climbed the ladder, Kaufman rolled out of the ring, found a steel chair, and threw it into the ring, knocking Letterman's glasses off and sending him face first onto the mat. Kaufman then tried to make a comeback and ran into the ring, landing a series of moves that a dazed Letterman somehow managed to reverse. This furiated the comedian, who eventually screamed in rage and landed a rapid clothesline that floored the talk show host and one time crappy New York weatherman. Kaufman then tried to ascend the ladder but Letterman, on the floor, managed to kick the ladder, sending Kaufman flying OUT of the ring and onto the hard floor below. Letterman, sensing his opportunity for victory, set up the ladder and climbed to the top, where a briefcase hung from the roof. But once he was up on the ladder, he looked at the injured Kaufman and, in a pause reminiscent of Jeff Hardy when he was in the WWF and still talented, he dived through the air to Kaufman who, at the last second, rolled away, causing Letterman to come crashing down hard on the floor, leading the audience to start a huge "HOLY POOP" chant through the audience insside Mother Theresa's dead rotting corpse. With Letterman knocked out cold, Kaufman was able to stumble into the ring, climb the ladder, and take down the briefcase. And in th briefcase? A shot at Dead Guy from Sublime's Savior title next week at GVWA Deviance!


WINNER: Eddie Izzard

"What an incredible night so far! Eddie Izzard is now the Women's champion and Andy Kaufman, in an incredible match, wins a Savior title shot next week against the U.H.O.'s That One Dead Dude from Sublime. And we're not even halfway done with tonight's pay-per-view. We still have the big eight man tag team tournament and the three way GVWA championship match! But next, we have what is NOW a tag team cage match ..."


"Sexy Ass Wife" Natasha & ??? VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster & ???

This intense rivalry started at Hardcore Homecoming in July and has just been building and building and building. Two weeks ago we had our first ever Parking Lot Match, which ended in Natasha being hit by a car being driven by Betty Page but winning due to help from New York Times bestselling music author Chuck Klosterman. Then, last week we had our first ever Bar Room Brawl which ended controversially with Catholics member The Choir Boy helping Deinna to win. Now, Natasha walks to the ring ... SHOCKINGLY being accompanied by her own daughter EMERALD GALINDO! Emerald, wrestling again after being injured by Deinna at our last pay-per-view, is now joining Natasha in her mad quest for venegance. Daughters Natasha and Emerald stood in the middle of the ring, waiting for Double D to come out with her partner. Deinna walked down the ring next, alone. Deinna walked down the ramp looking around her, looking very confused. Then, as she stood in the ring and eyes Natasha and Steve ... Deinna's tag team partner walked down the ring ... and it was none other than Deinna's estranged farther SHIRTLESS RANDAL! Natasha and Emerald were shocked. Deinna was too. She also looked a bit upset, a bit sad, and a bit frightened as well. As the cage lowered and the bell rang, Natasha and Emerald both charged at Double D and Shirtless Randal. A flury of rapid fire punches exploded in the center of the ring as Natasha fought her older brother Randal and Emerald fought her cousin Deinna. Their punches seemed to go on forever until Randal threw Natasha face first into the steel cage, catapulting her backwards onto her back on the canvas. randal then began to climb but Emerald poked Deinna in the eyes and then landed an impressive standing jumpkick that caused Randal to fall hard onto the ring. Then Natasha, standing up looking incredibly bloody from the steel cage, landed a massive chokeslam on Deinna, then focused on Randal with Emerald's help. In fact, they attacked Shirtless Randal for seven minutes with a double neckbreaker, a double piledriver, and a series of intense suplexes. The Galindo mother and sister were so focused on attacking the stronger Randal that they didn't notice Deinna stirring, standing up, and slowly climbing the cage behind Natasha and Emerald's back. By the time they noticed Deinna, she was climbing over the cage and climbing down to the floor. Her feet touched the floor, the bell rang, and Deinna ran through the enterance into the backstage area. Natasha and Emerald were stunned, but as the cage raised they CONTINUED their assault on Deinna's father ... cutting his tan shirtless chest open with devastating kicks. And Deinna, Randal's daughter, ran away without helping him. This rivalry has just heated up ....


WINNER: "Double D" Deinna Disaster & Shirtless Randal


Jimi Hendrix VS "Fatty" Arbuckle VS Manos: The Hands of Fate VS ???

Former Savior champion Jimi Hendrix came out first to the opening riff of "Foxy Lady," followed by silent film star Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Then, newcomer and worst movie of all time Manos: The Hands of Fate came out wearing his iconic long black robe with crappy red hands sewn on either end. Manos, in his first match in the GVWA, walked into the ring accompanied by his drunk half-monster manservant Torgo. Manos plucked a mic from thin air and started talking bad dialogue about some vague god he worshipped ... when suddenly the lights went out, the audience screamed, and a dark brown light filled the arena followed by a smokey mist. Then, out came ... shockingly ... former GVWA wrestler and deceased sock monkey monster SNUFFY, back from the dead once more to seek vengance. What is he doing here? Why is he back again? What is this tall, masked, bloodthirsty sock monkey monster doing back in the GVWA after six years? As Snuffy walked slowly down to the ring, the three others were scared stiff. Wearing a red mask and standing well over seven feet tall, this remorseless monster walked over the ring ropes and stood in the center of the ring, silent and still. The bell rang ... and nobody moved. Nobody dared attack this tall monster first. Finally, Manos: The Hands of Fate continued talking about serving the god Manos ... and Snuffy grabbed his throat and landed such a massive chokeslam that the entire ring shook with fury. Then Snuffy pinned manos and landed an easy three count, elliminating The Hands of Fate. Then Snuffy stood up and, like before, stood silent and still like a statue erected in the center of the ring. Arbuckle and Hendrix, realizing that there was only one way to win this match, decided to charge Snuffy at the same time, landing punches and low blows and chokes on the massive monster but although it seemed to have no effect on him, Snuffy did not fight back. After a few minutes of their attack on him, Snuffy did the unthinkable and simply WALKED OUT of the ring and back to the backstage area, leaving the match. Both wrestlers were confused ... but Arbuckle was quick, attacking a still confused Hendrix and getting a rollup and a three count. Arbuckle gets a win ... but the real question here is WHY has Snuffy come back?....


WINNER: Fatty Arbuckle

"Before we start the massive eight team tag championship tournament, we would like to remind you that NEXT WEEK another amazingly fictitious episode of GVWA Deviance will be coming to you LIVE next thursday, that's NEXT thursday November 10th, and it will be coming to you from the George Takei Flamin' Bath House in downtown Scoobeyville, New Jersey. Tickets are on sale at all Quick Stop and RST Video locations, so get yours now before they sell out ..."



Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Buddah & Negative Evil Foriegn Stereotype ("The Foriegn Heels") ...

The new team of evil foriegn bad guys, a team that calls themselves the Foriegn Heels, came out first to a chorus of boos as Buddah and the N.E.F.S. danced through the A-typical speech that all bad guys go though to get the audiences against them. Then the B.S.O., the former tag champions, came next, quickly taking it to the Foriegn Heels. The N.E.F.S. tried to injure Jesse with submission moves with a foriegn name to make him more of a heel, but the experienced team of Jesse and Lance made quick work of the newcomers and managed to advance.



Jesus & The Choir Boy (The Catholics) VS Mr. Lobo & Criswell ("Double Feature") ...

The beginning of this match was completely dominated by former GVWA champion and late night horror host Mr. Lobo, who immediately went to work on further injuring Jesus, who was beaten up earlier by his father God. Cornering him in Double Feature's corner, they managed to quickly take Jesus out of the game, almost winning. But Jesus somehow managed to tag in an angry Choir Boy, who utterly decimated Criswell and rival Lobo, eventually landing a massive Vestibule Takedown and gaining a three count.


WINNER: The Catholics

Michael Jackson & Jack White ("Two Jax") VS Bill Hicks & That One Dead Guy From Sublime (The U.H.O.) ...

All eyes were on White Stripes frontman and devout catholic Jack White, who promised last week that he would send a strong message to the Book Seller Order. But Jack didn't even see ANY ring time in this first round match as accused child molester and monsterous looking freak Michael Jackson quickly gained a roll up on Bill Hicks, squeezing out an easy win. The tag team champions advance to the next round..



Adolph Hitler & Charles Manson ("F-ed Up") VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

Bandaged from his match last week, Dirty Sanchez, a former wrestler from the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation, the TWWF, ugly moustached mass murderer Adolph Hitler quickly used this to his advantage with kicks and knee drops all focused on Sanchez's bandages. This made Mr. T.C. the dominant man in the Hardcore Freaks, but Sanchez was unable to tag him in. Hitler and Manson worked like an efficient team, tagging each other in quickly and not letting Sanchez tag. But when Hitler signalled for his Final Solution, Sanchez landed a fierce low blow, then tagged in Throat Cancer, who knocked out both Hitler and Manson, making Hitler tap out to an ankle lock. The Hardcore Freaks advance and face the tag champions in the semifinals.


WINNER: Hardcore Freaks


Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Jesus & The Choir Boy (The Catholics) ...

This match was almost all Choir Boy, who started out this match enraged, quickly cutting both Lance and Jesse open. The crowd inside Mother Theresa's dead rotting corpse was all behind Choir Boy, chanting his name as he utterly decimated the B.S.O.'s chances at tag team gold. In fact, by the five minute mark it seemed as if it was all over as Choir Boy signalled for one of his Vestibule Takedowns ... but then, out of nowhere, REVEREND STEVE ran out to the ring with a bat and CRACKED Choir Boy's bat with a massive swing, sending him, to the ground with a sickening thud. Jesus came to help his partner but got another swing, this one to his stomach, sending the son of God on thee floor screaming in pain. Jesse then covers the Choir Boy and gets a three count, sending the B.S.O. into the finals! Jesse and Lance hugged as Steve continued his assault on Choir Boy with the wooden bat. Then, Jesse walked up to Steve, patted him on the back, raised Steve's arm in victory, and handed him a B.S.O. t-shirt. Steve took the shirt, smiled ... and then swung his bat, knocking out Jesse and Lance. Then Steve THREW the shirt on them, smiled again, and walked away. The Book Seller Order makes it to the finals but what are their chances now that Reverend Steve has refused to join?



Michael Jackson & Jack White ("Two Jax") VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

This match started out with Jack White going up against Mr. Throat Cancer. White took it to Mr. T.C. early on, slowing his momentun, but a massive headbutt cut the singer open, evening the match somewhat. White was dazed from being cut open but after a few minutes he rebounded, landing an amazing powerbomb on T.C. and then his finishing move, the Hotel Yorba Check Out. But as White went for the pin, deceased comedian BILL HICKS of the U.H.O. ran out with a steel chair and knocked out both of the champions as retalliation for their first round match. With both men knocked out, T.C. tagged in Dirty Sanchez, who gained an easy three count on Jack White. The tag champions are OUT of the tournament, meaning that we WILL have NEW tag team champions tonight ... but who will it be, the injured Hardcore Freaks or the injured B.S.O.? We're about to find out ...


WINNER: Hardcore Freaks


Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

Both teams tired, both teams injured, both teams bandaged and bloody, this was to be an incredible, historic match between two weary compeditors, Jesse and Lance, the former champions, fighting against the two new upstarts, Dirty Sanchez and Mr. Throat Cancer. As the bell rang and this important match got underway, Lance and Dirty Sanchez started off against each other. Showing no mercy, angry pre-child Lance unleached a series of massive headbutts and arm bars, then landed four backbreakers and a camel clutch that ALMOST made Sanchez tap out. But as the match spilled out of the ring, Sanchez gained control with a series of devastating bodyslams on the hard floor. Then, a tag to Mr. T.C. sealed the deal as he struck Lance and Jesse with a series of deadly submission moves that led to Jesse eventually tapping out. The Hardcore Freaks are the NEW tag team champions!


WINNER: Hardcore Freaks

"Um ... ladies and gentlemen, I ... it seems that I have an ... an announcement to make. It looks as if ... I have just received a message from our general manager Albert B. Fall ... and he has just now made the main event for next thursday's episode of Deviance. So, the main event will be ... a triple threat match for the Savior championship and it will be ... the GVWA Savior champion and Universal Hell Order member That One Guy From That Band Sublime going up against Andy Kaufman ... and Fatty Arbuckle!"..."


Tim Burton VS ????? & ?????

This was it, the end of the road for director Tim Burton who, for over a month, has been trying to find out who attacked his tag team partner Johnny Depp. His list of five suspects has been elliminated to the last two suspects, whom he will now fight against. Tim, walking to the ring to the music of longtime collaborator Danny Elfman, walked straight to the ring, made a microphone appear out of thin air, and quickly said that enough was enough, that it was time to find out exactly WHO attacked Johnny Depp. So Burton cleared his throat, took a scrap of paper from his pocket, and SHOCKED the capacity crowd inside Mother Thereesa's corpse's stomach region by calling out his last two suspects ... HARRY POTTER and "Reading Rainbow" host LEVAR BURTON! The british bestseller and the black book pusher both walked down the ramp, both looking very confused. The two walked into the ring and quickly started speaking their case of innocence, trying to explain how they did not do it, when all of a sudden Burton GRABBED both men by their throats, choking them so fiercely that they were both sent to their knees. But as Burton yelled in their faces, the ENTIRE Book Seller Order, the entire B.S.O., "Intense" Ian, Jesse, Lance, Marisa and "Mean" Michael Burns ran into the ring and started attacking Burton. They let loose on him with kicks and punches, attacking like a wolf pack, unrelenting and primal, just stomping the life out of the director of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. And all the while, Harry Potter and Levar Burton just took a few steps back, each one smiling to themselves. Finally, after a small pool of blood began to form beneath Burton, Jesse plucked a mic from the air and said "SO ... now that you know ... who everybody's working for ..." gesturing towards either Harry or Levar. Then, as Harry Potter raised his arms up in some sort of victory position, Jesse walked towards LEVAR BURTON ... and raised his arm up! Harry looked shocked and grabbed a mic. "Hey ... are you guys saying that ... Levar is the leader of the B.S.O.? How can that be? The B.S.O. was MY idea! I started it!" Then Jesse grabbed the mic from his hands and slowly handed it to Levar who cleared his throat and began to speak. "Yes, Harry, the B.S.O. was your idea. You started it all. And that's all you did. The leader now ... is me." Then a sinister smile formed slowly on Levar's face. "But," he continued, "you don't have to take MY word for it!" And with that, the B.S.O. pounced on Harry Potter, attacking him with the same furiousness that they did Tim Burton. When they had their fill, Levar stopped them, laughing, and they all patted themselves and walked away.




"CHAMPION" "Angry" Marisa (B.S.O.) VS "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski (The Catholics) VS Dark Lord Satan (U.H.O.)

This was it, the big triple threat match, the WAR between the three incredibly powerfull factions that are trying to take over the GVWA ... the Cathoilics, the Universal Hell Order, and the Book Seller Order. Who would walk away the victor and sieze control of the entire federation?

The lights went out in the arena, the lights flash, and Greg Kaczynski came walking down to the arena followed closely behind by Jesus Christ and The Choir Boy, both of whom were covered in stitches and bandages. Then, the lights went out again, but this time the arena was covered in an ominous red light and smoke. The opening to the song "Night on Bald Mountain" signalled the arrival of Satan, the leader ofthe U.H.O., the dreaded Universal Hell Order. Satan came to the ring accompanied by Bill Hicks and That Dead Guy Who Was In Sublime, his evil followers. Satan walked to the ring and announced that next thursday on the next episode of Deviance, there would be a SURPRISE Soul Match of major proportions. It looked as if he was then going to announce his opponent for the soul match but then, suddenly, some loud song by Rufus Wainwright started playing and out came GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt and being accompanied by Lance, Jesse, "Intense" Ian McEwan and the REAL leader of the B.S.O., black book pusher Levar Burton.

The bell rang and all three combatants rushed at each other, punching and kicking with furious intensity. Then Satan threw Marisa out of the ring which caused the ENTIRE B.S.O. to charge the ring. This in turn caused The Catholics to charge the ring which in turn led the U.H.O to rush into the ring, making the scene look like some soccer riot or a race riot in Toledo. Then, without warning, the lights in the arena went out and the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing. As the lights came back up, the GVWA general manager and the only United States cabinet member that was ever sent to prison for a crime committed in office, Mr. Albert B. Fall, walked into the ring escorted by at least fifteen police officers. He then grabbed a mic and decreed that anyone NOT signed up to be this match needs to leave the ring immediately. There was cheers from the audience and angry screams from the people in the ring. Fall then dispached the police to the ring and within ten minutes the only people in the ring were Marisa, Greg and Satan.

Once they were alone in the ring again, Satan picked up Greg by the throat and violently threw him over the top rope and crashing down on the Hungarian announce table, breaking it into pieces. This essentially made this triple threat match a one-on-one match - various versions of this happens every single time a triple threat match happens in real professional wrestling, sadly. The dark lord Satan struck quick with a painful series of vicious clotheslines from hell (which makes sense, seeing how he's Satan and all) and chokeslams, quickly slowing down the cute, big breasted Marisa, who honestly had no chance to win without her muscle. Marisa did shift momentum back in her favor temporarily by kicking Satan in the nards (Satan's got nards?) but the demon god bounced back, getting Marisa in a modified walls of jericho that almost made Marisa tap out.

It was here that Greg somehow stood up, climbed to the top turnbuckle, and landed a vicious flying elbow to Satan's head, knocking his skull and stopping the submission move. With Marisa seemingly knocked out, Greg led an impressive assault against the dark lord, slowing down his momentum. When it looked all over, Greg stopped his assault and pretended to take a picture of Satan, which gave the dark lord just enough time to grab Greg by the throat, sending him down on one knee. Marisa stood up and kicked Satan's back, but he turned around, with Greg's throat still within his red hands, and grabbed Marisa as well.

Satan then signalled for his finishing move, the deadly Hell Slam. But then, the opening riff to the song "White Orchid" blasted through the arena and as the audience cheered, JACK WHITE ran into the ring and landed his finisher, the Hotel Yorba Check Out on Satan, knocking him out. Greg fell to the floor. Marisa stood up and outstretched her hand to shake Jack. But Jack simply looked at her hand, viciously kicked her in the stomach, and landed a second Hotel Yorba Check Out on Marisa, knocking HER out! Then, Jack White did the UNTHINKABLE ... he went down on both knees, made the sign of the cross, and started PRAYING! JACK WHITE has JOINED the CATHOLICS!

When he wad done praying, Jack stood up, again made the sign of the cross, and picked up fellow Catholics member Greg. They hugged and Greg pinned Satan, still knocked out from White's finisher. And Greg got a three count. Greg then fell to his knees and cried tears of thanks to Jesus for helping him win the title, to which Jesus came out from the dressing room and said thanks. Succeeding in doing what he promised he'd do months ago, the long road is over and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski has WON the GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP! Greg is our NEW champion!!


WINNER: "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski

"Wow, what an incredible series of events! Three title changes happened tonight! Eddie Izzard is now the Women's champion, The Hardcore Freaks win the tag titles in an incredible tag team tournament and Andy Kaufman wins a Savior title shot against That One Dead Dude from Sublime. Deinna pulls out another win against 'Sexy Ass Wife' Natasha due to help from her estranged father Shirtless Randal, the deceased sock puppet monster known as Snuffy returns, Levar Burton is the real leader of the B.S.O. and Greg Kaczynski wins the GVWA championship with a little bit of help from new catholics member Jack White.

I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight and I can't wait to see what happens NEXT WEEK at GVWA DEVIANCE! Well, that's it for us. Hope you had some sort of fun reading all this crap and I sincerely hope that you join us again next week for more frighteningly fictitious professional wrestling.

Thank you and good night!"

Sunday, October 30, 2005

GVWA ads - wave three (and various news) ...

Here are some more nice looking GVWA ads, wave three of what will hopefully one day encompass every single professional wrestler in the entire federation. This is a nice series. If there's someone you haven't seen yet, just wait. They'll be coming soon.

Well, I've started work again. It's sad not spending the whole day with my family but I seem to be a lot more focused now at work, so that's good.

Hopefully today's GVWA Halloween Herpes ppv will actually be done and posted today. I hope so. Anyway, here's the ads ...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

What keeps me going ...

... awesome mornings, awesome sky, awesome music, awesome Emerald, an awesome family, and an awesome day.

Emerald wakes me up every morning between eight and nine am. She wakes me up by pulling on my feet and saying "Wake up, you silly head." To tell you the truth, I'm usually awake once she opes the door to my bedroom, but I pretend to be asleep anyway. When the feet pulling doesn't work, she climbs up onto the bed and kisses me. This works. Pretty soon I'm cuddling on the couch with her watching Dragon Tails and Clifford and her favorite cartoon, Cailou, or however the hell that bald headed yuppie kid's name is spelled. I just walked next door to get some syrup from nana's house and I liked what I saw, a blanket of clouds covering the sky. It is a picture perfect cloudy windy moody sort of day, finally an October day right before the end of October. It's awesome outside. It is an awesome day.

On days like this, my iPod can read my mind. It's been "Slow" by Jim's Big Ego, "Fade Away" by Seether, "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton, "Crowning of a Heart" by Trail of Dead, "Let's Be Natural" by The Rutles, "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer, "Ruby Tuesday" by Rolling Stones and just a little Black Sabbath to keep things spicy. Great music. And all the while my beautiful daughter Emerald is sitting across from me at the dinner table eating the pancakes I made for her this morning. And smiling. She is beautiful and smart and funny and awesome and although I could never be her father, I am honored to be her daddy. Days like these, morning like these, they are what keep me going. Amazing, awesome days like these, days when I'm a daddy and a father and a provider and all I have to do is be with my children and hug them and play with them. Mornings with Emerald and Isabela. I love these mornings.

And, sadly, I only have two more left.

I go back to work this saturday. I have been gone for seven weeks, almost two whole months, a long ass time to be away. I've missed work, missed the children's section, missed the people and the faces and Jesse's brooding and Ian's pop culture and Julia's hugs. I've missed being surrounded by children's books, my own private little cave hidden from the bestsellers and the self help books. I've missed doing my storytimes, being paid to entertain kids with my stories and my loudness and my craziness. I've missed the Harry Potter club and Pam and my desk and the break room. I've missed magazines. I haven't read a new magazine since last month. I've missed the graphic novels and the Series of Unfortunate Events and the stupid customer questions and I've missed pretty much everything about my job.

And at the exact same time I've absolutely loved spending every second of every day with my wife, waking up with my three year old daughter, taking care of my newborn while Natasha sleeps, and altogether NOT being at work. I'm frightened to go back. I'm sad to be leaving my family's side. I'm sad to be leaving these awesome mornings with Emerald watching PBS and the Muppet Show and cooking breakfast and warming my heart with her incredible smiles. These are the mornings that I live for now, mornings that will become few and far between when I start waking up at six-thirty to drive past Pettigrew and Sons casket company on my way to another long, tiring day at work.

I want to go back to work. And at the same time I'm scared to death about it. Still, awesome fucking morning.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The GVWA Audio Files Collection - continued ...

The GVWA, the Galindo Video Wrestling Association brings you a compilation of the cool, silly, stupid little audio files we've made to try and extend the illusion of fake professional wresling. They are all here for people to listen to and download. They make great space fillers for iPods, BTW. I have them filling up my little 1G iPod shuffle and it's refreshing to occasionally hear a "B.S.O." chant or Mr. Throat Cancer in between songs. Also, be sure to check out the very last one, the newest commercial for our next entirely fake PAY-PER-VIEW which will be fictitiously LIVE this Sunday, October 30th, 2005!

So here they are ...

GVWA Hardcore Homecoming - radio commercial

Hardcore Homecoming - parking lot.

Hardcore Homecoming - wrestler interview

Hardcore Homecoming - main event

GVWA Deviance - Cho Chang Stadium/Parsippany, New Jersey

Deviance - Jerry Stahl Bus Terminal commercial

Emerald's shoot interview

GVWA Cheesy Pay-Per-View Title 2005 - parking lot

Cheesy Pay-Per-View Title 2005 - new general manager reveal

Deviance - Bea Arthur's Vagina commercial

Deviance - Teapot Dome

Deviance - Westvaco commercial

Deinna's shoot interview

Deviance - Holy Poop chant

Mr. T.C.'s shoot interview

Dirty Sanchez/Mr. T.C. backstage interview


The History of the GVWA ...

The GVWA: A Retrospective

A look back at the Galindo Video Wrestling Association from 1998 to the present.


GVWA, the Galindo Video Wrestling Association, began in the fall of 1998 with a piss poor N64 game called "WCW/NWO VS The World," an incredibly pathetic little game that featured somewhere around 50 or so professional wrestling characters but only about 1/4th of them actual WCW or NWO wrestlers. The game might as well have been called "WCW/NWO vs Boring Racial Stereotypes" because the majority of the characters were Russian Stereotype Wrestler # 3 or Asian Stereotype Wrestler #12. Those weren't their actual character names but still, it was pathetic. What were they thinking? When people buy a WCW wrestling game, they want to see Scott Hall and Roddy Piper and Hulk Hogan, not horribly unoriginal characters created by some video game nerd who knows jack shit about wrestling. The game was crap. But it had one saving feature. The game gave you the ability to erase the names of the wrestlers and write your own. Therein lies the birth of the GVWA. Because of this innovention and fueled by Steve Galindo's boredom, Hulk Hogan became President Hogan, Randy Savage became Beef Jerky Eating Freak, Goldberg became Bill The 'Roid Rage Jew, Big Poppa Pump became silent film star Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle and Kevin Nash became dark lord Satan. Soon these original wrestlers were joined by people that Steve knew who were adapted into other pre-existing wrestlers. Chris Jericho became Michellico and Diamond Dallas Page became Diamond Dallas Victoria. Suddenly the entire video game was entirely full of original wrestlers, people that Steve knew, and various living and dead famous people like Elvis and Ed Wood and Hitler, the ultimate heel. And with this came an elaborate world inside Steve's head where Satan could team up with Jesus to take out God. In a few short months, this became a world unto itself, its own little universe that Steve called the Galindo Video Wrestling Association.

The first ever fake pay-per-view of the GVWA occured on Thanksgiving 1998. It was called GVWA Thanksgiving Slamfest. It was a small, uneventful little eight match event that occured in Steve's bedroom as he got wasted on Jack Daniels with his high school friend Tom Wegner. The first match and therefore the first ever GVWA match, was a hardcore match between Jesus and Satan. Satan won the match in under five minutes ... but later that night the Savior title was announced, a title that only original or deceased people could fight for, and Jesus was crowned the first ever Savior champion. Also that night, Reverend Steve teamed up with a mysterious masked luchador who never spoke who called himself The Ass Kicker. They called themselves ""The Streamliners," a name that comes from a play that Steve had written and performed earlier that year. They went up against Steve's own parents "Sexy Pants" Pepe and "Crazy" Tere Galindo. The Ass Kicker landed a fierce submission move on Tere, causing her to tap out in under two minutes, making The Streamliners the first ever GVWA tag team champions. The main event featured Elvis Presley going up against President Hogan. It was an uneventful match that Elvis won. What really mattered wasn't the matches or the wrestlers ... what mattered was that the GVWA was born. The results were written on the back pages of Steve's script for "The Princess Bride," a play that he acted in during the following March. That one script, which still sits on Steve's bookshelf, contains the GVWA from November of 1998 to June of 1999. The GVWA became a major part of Steve's life, consuming an embarassing amount of his life, but despite that it was from 1998 until 1999 a small little thing that was only known to those closest around Steve.

A few weeks after Thanksgiving Slamfest, Steve decided to create a fake weekly show called GVWA Weekend Deviance, eventually shortened to Deviance. At the first Deviance, which occured December 5th, 1998, Satan demanded a match against Jesus for the Savior title. However, Ed Wood got a title match instead and won the Savior title from Jesus, angering Satan who vowed revenge. A few weeks later, the SECOND ever fake GVWA pay-per-view, called The GVWA Birth of Christ BASH, featured a massive 16-man tournament to crown the first ever GVWA Champion. The two final contestants were God and Bill The 'Roid Rage Jew. In a lengthy match, God eventually triumphed and became the first ever GVWA champion. Satan lost in the semifinals but had his first ever Soul Match in the quarterfinals. In a Soul Match, if Satan wins he gets your soul for eternity. With the souls that he collected, he decided to start his own organization hell bent on destruction. he called it the Universal hell Order, the U.H.O., and they were the major force in the GVWA for its entire first run, save a few months where they fought for contrul against other federations such as Ed Wood's group, the Woodites, and Malcolm X's group, the Segregation Nation, made up of famous angry black people in history. The GVWA blew up in Steve's mind, big time. It went from some small, funny little thing for Steve to do and turned into this MASSIVELY DETAILED world with plotlines over plotlines and backstories that could never be done in the real world of professional wrestling. The Choir Boy premiered in January of 1999 in a match against Steve's friend Joey Karas. Andy Kaufman won the Savior title in March of 1999. Charles Manson joined the U.H.O. that summer, then entered a massive rivalry againt The Son of Sam. Ed Wood first won the Women's championship in January of 1999, beating Bitch Heather in an incredible match but only held on to the title for a week. The Mexican title, which could only be won by a mexican, was eventually thrown out due to a lack of mexican wrestlers. Eventually everybody that Steve knew worked their way into the GVWA. And it mirrored real life as well. When Sarah Snow decided to cheat on Steve and then turn dyke, Sarah left the Woodites and joined the Segregation Nation. When heather decided to dump Joe, she became Bitch Heather and join the U.H.O.. It became a way for Steve to escape reality and vent his frustrations at the world.

The GVWA became something big, if only to one person. It was great. It was awesome. And it didn't last. Why? No idea. It just didn't last. The last major event in the first run of the GVWA was a pay-per-view entitled GVWA Greatest Hits 1999. It was meant to be a nostalgia event, the current champions facing the one time great champions in an all out war, which is admittedly strange for a fake federation that only lasted a little over a year. The main event was a steel cage match for the championship. It was Reverend Steve of the Woodites versus Satan of the U.H.O.. Satan injured and completely decimated Steve and the Woodites and gained complete control of the entire federation. And after that, the GVWA ceased to exist. Until last July when, after going through some old boxes and finding WWF NO MERCY for the N64, he decided to kickstart the GVWA anew. And that is where we stand, the GVWA back with a vengance and with a much LARGER audience thanks to the internet.

The GVWA, since 1998, bringing you the BEST in fake professional wrestling, now bigger and more offensive than ever!


The Choir Boy

Choir Boy was meant to be ECW's Sandman meets WWF's Stone Cold Steve Austin ... if he went to catholic school growing up. I wanted to have an angry, bitter, disillusioned catholic who, like me at the time, was angry and pissed off and confused and drunk and filled with all this angry pent up blind rage and wanting answers that weren't coming. He represented a lot of myself, especially in my jump from Catholicism to Woodism, my leaving behind all the things I grew up with and blazing my own drunken trail. That was me at the end of last century and that's how I painted The Choir Boy. He is somebody that I wouldn't trust worth a damn but I would cheer on like crazy. The Choir Boy got his name from an episode of Night Court where Bull the baliff became a wrestler and had his first match against a bad guy wrestler named The Choir Boy who would poke people's eyes out with his candles. I thought that was hillarious and always remembered that. The Choir Boy was and IS a major player in the GVWA, an angry, drunk, pissed off young man who USED to believe in crosses and prayer and angels but now believes in nothing and no one. He held the GVWA championship for a month and was the last person to hold the Savior championship in 1999. He's a bad ass lapse catholic mofo and he's somebody to watch out for.

Levar Burton

Around 1997 the WWF started an organization called the Nation of Domination which was essentially the Nation of Islam as wrestlers. So I decided to start my own organization of angry black guys called the Segragation Nation. They never reached the heights of the U.H.O or the Woodites but they were still a frightening force to mess with. They consisted of Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., Rocky III opponent Clubber Lang, and (because the Nation of Domination eventually let one white person join because people were screaming racism at the WWF) Sarah Snow and "Sexy Pants" Pepe. Levar Burton, the host of tv's Reading Rainbow, was a major player since the beginning of the GVWA. The Segregation Nation tried to recruit Levar, but he refused to join, choosing instead to spread his love of books and kicking ass. This led to a major feud between the Segregation Nation and Burton with Levar always beating off the nation in impressive displays of strength. I personally like the idea of passive, kind, gentle Leval Burton kicking people's asses in the ring. So look for him to be back in the ring soon and in a major way.

Steve's Cousins

Being a mexican, I have 3,000,000 couins. And a lot of them eventually made their way into the GVWA along with my older brother Joe (or Jose, depending on who you ask.) The two major cousins who made an impact in the GVWA were Gansta' Eric and Tony the Drummer. Tony is the one cousin of mine who is the most normal and, besides me, the most white. He was a drummer for a band called Welcome Jupiter. They released one album before calling it quits. The band thanked me and my church in their liner notes and I still listen the shit out of that CD to this day. He's the kind of guy that wears all black and smokes and drinks but does it quietly, as opposed to me who does it with all the volume I can muster. I saw him as wrestling's Johnny Cash, the man in black, someone who said very little but still kicked ass. Like Steve Blackman but with charisma. Gangsta' Eric was a MAJOR player, too. He was based on my own adopted cousin who is currently doing time for a drive-by, a real "gansta" in all aspects. He lost a Soul Match on January 3rd, 1999 and was force to join the U.H.O. but, in an unprecidented move, he won his soul back later that August. Gangsta' Eric also gave birth to one of the COOLEST GVWA characters ever ...


True story ... one holiday all of the cousins were at our grandmother's house in Douglas, Arizona sleeping on the floor of one small room like good little mexicans. Eric was about four or five years old at the time ... and while everybody was sleeping, one of Eric's cousins (absolutely NOT me, although I Do know who did it ...) stole his beloved sock puppet doll, which he named Snuffy, who he used to take with him EVERYWHERE ... while Eric was sleeping, one of his cousins "got rid" of it. Eric wakes up and finds Snuffy missing and, man, did he ever he cry and cry and cry and cry. I've never seen so much crying. And he never found out what happened to his beloved Snuffy. Poor Eric. So I decided to create Snuffy as an Undertaker-like monster wrestler, back from the dead and seeking vengance for being destroyed oh so many years ago. He had on an awesome looking mask like Kane and he was all brown with stripes just like I remember Snuffy being. He was an unstoppable monster, constantly in search of the person who "got rid" of him. And he never did.

TOM (Bald/With Hair)

Tom Wegner and I were inseperable in high school and college. Then he up and moved to Seattle and I up and moved to California. We were the best of friend but as we got older we grew apart for various personal reasons, whatever they may be. I always marked the change from bestest friends to casual drinking buddies to when Tom decided that he wanted to shave his head. So the GVWA had Bald Tom and Tom With Hair. Bald Tom was the Lex Luthor-looking bad guy and Tom With Hair was the good looking babyface who would fight along with Reverend Steve as part of the Woodites. At the last GVWA event at the end of 1999, a shocking plot line occured when longtime Reverend Steve tag team partner The Ass Kicker was unmasked in a match against former family dog Dude and was revealed to be none other than Tom With Hair. I imagined that this would have gone on to be a major plot line for months afterwards but the GVWA ended right after that. I don't talk to Tom anymore. It's been about a year or two since we've spoken. So with the rebirth of the GVWA I decided to make a fake rival wrestling company called the TWWF, the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation. Expect this feud to grow and grow in the coming months. I'm hoping that fake Tom Wegner and I can reach a monday night wars level of feud with the GVWA and the TWWF.


The GVWA is my own personal way to create new, funny, awesome wrestling in a world where nobody cares about wrestling anymore. It's gotten boring to watch Triple H and Ric Flair and Bradshaw, so why not watch Choir Boy and Satan instead? And as long as the world of professional wrestling remainds dormant ... and as long as I still have free time ... the GVWA will continue to expant the bounds of imagination.

Hopefully ...