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Thursday, May 19, 2005

I want to make movie reviews for normal people.

MOOD: coffiedupandhungryashell

BACKGROUND: The Bled "Porcelain Hearts and Hammers for Teeth"

I have this friend named Michael Burns. I've gotten to calling him Boo-urns lately, like in the Simpsons. He's a Catholic but he somehow manages to balance his religion and his personal life to a point where he can be friends with a long haired, foul mouthed cult leader like myself. He's working to become a journalist and he's becoming quite the good writer. His movie reviews are well written, smart, intelligent, and funny. Click here if you want to read some of his stuff. It's good stuff, too. And it's given me an idea. More on that later, though. First, let me backtrack.

Yesterday was our last day of our vacation-slash-honeymon. Here's a list of things that I did:

-stayed in an extremely long line so my daughter could get the Little Mermaid's autograph, reminding me that I am now a father and as such must sacrafice my own desires to ride the Pirates so that my daughter can have a perfect Disneyland trip

-saw some of the world's biggest tits on some of the nastiest women who were
married to men who wore some of the worst t-shirts ever (example: "First Jesus, Then Nascar")

-bought beer and porn from a liquor store owned by Apu from the Simpsons

-kept up a time honored tradition started by my friend Tom Wegner and I in high school and spent wa-a-a-a-ay too much time in the Main Street Cinema

-drove from Sacramento, California to Los Angeles, California and finally to Anaheim, California so that I could visit the new park, Disney's California Adventure, a look at life in California

-spent so much time outdoors and travelling in cars that I finally got as dark as "my people" usually are, which is much much darker than me

-walked on, prayed over, and touched the spot where "Circle-Vision" used to be, seeing as how it IS a holy Ed Wood location (as explained in Lesson 15 of the holy LESSONS OF WOOD: see for more information)

-met and talked shop with a Woodite and an avid Vampira fan

-geeked out over the Haunted Mansion and preached about how Disney completely STOLE the seance scene from the mansion from Ed Wood's film "Night of the Ghouls"

We were exhausted when we finally got back but instead of coming home and crashing, we decided to go downtown and watch the last Star Wars movie ever. Now, the last thing I want to do is be one of the millions of twentysomething males busy updating their blogs with Star Wars reviews, but seeing as how this is the last Star Wars movie ever made, I really want to put my two cents in on this.

See, the problem I have with movie reviews is that they're always written by people who are really into film and went through journalism school and film school, people who have a lot of money and people who are frighteningly intellectual, people who hate popular films simply because they are popular and who write rave reviews of obscure french films simply because they're obscure french films.

No offence to Michael. His stuff is good. He's one of the good ones and he's one of my best friends. But almost everytime I read a review it's geared at upper-middle class yuppies and not to normal people like me.

So, here it is, MY review of Star Wars, a normal person review written by a man with only $11 to his name and is eating ramen noodles because he can't afford to eat real food. Here it is ...

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith is a fucked up movie. Fucked up! How dare George Lucas say that this isn't a film for kids and then at the same time run ads for the film during Spongebob Squarepants and release early reader books for kids on Empside III? That's fucking bullshit and George Lucas should be ashamed of himself. He is a dick for doing that.

First off, this film isn't for kids. All the clueless parents who brought their little ones to the midnight showing should have their kids taken away. The CPA should have a Revenge of the Sith wing developed for children staying up late crying because of the nightmares they had at the hands of George Lucas.

This isn't for kids and some adults for that matter. Anakin's turn to the dark side is horrifically violent with heads rolling and bodies flying. But that's not all. At times it's one of the cheesiest romance movies ever made. At times it's one of the cheesiest science fiction movies ever made. And at times it's one of the most horrifically violent science fiction movies ever made. And at times there's dialogue so bad that it even rivals Titanic.

There are times where you will be cowering back in horror, then laughing at the film, then cowering again, all within the same scene. But, seriously, all dick-slapping aside, it really is a great movie. It doesn't hold a candle to The Empire Strikes Back, but that's because Empire was dark and moody without having to show too much. Empire doesn't blow it's wad. Sith, however, blows it's wad all over the audience, showing tons of death and battles and murders and fights. Empire was quietly moody and dark, whereas Sith just yells at you for two and a half hours.

This isn't a bad review. It's a good one. George Lucas seems to want this to be the best of the prequel films and so he has created the best lightsaber battle and the best starship battles ever seem in a Star Wars film. This is a movie that will appease both the clueless white yuppies and the Star Wars geeks, just as long as they can stand a lot of death sprinkles with random pinches of cheesy crap.

Bottom line, this is the last Star Wars movie ever. This film could be two and a half hours of George Lucas farting and people would still wait in like for weeks to see it. And regardless of what I write here or what any hip internet blogger writes. You will watch this movie. But, just to let you know, this film ain't for kids. This isn't the same kid-friendly Star Wars movie you watched in your pajamas in the living rom of your paerent's house in the eighties. It's matured. It's cheesy, violent, stupid, awesome, horrific, action packed, and one hell of a movie, a great last film to end the series.

But, hey, seriously, leave your kids at home for this one, ok?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is one of the most damn review of interest I saw.