This was our cat's reation to our new pet hamster. Strangely enough, this was also MY reaction when my wife said she wanted to buy a hamster.
"Hello and welcome to GVWA Deviance, our all new, entirely fake, semi- weekly television show ... "
Tonight's entirely NOT live broadcast comes to you LIVE from Cho Chang Stadium in downtown Parsippany, New Jersey. Once again, we apologize for our show being so late this week. We had to postpone our show for a week an a half on account of a ton of incredible sex. Well then, let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."
"BATTLE OF THE PALE WHITE GUYS":
"Pimpin'" Jessie Cee VS "Author" Chuck Klosterman
This was indeed one tough match, seeing as how both compeditor were weak, skinny, pale white guys. The match began, as many pale white guy fights so often do, with a lot of slapping and whimpering. Jesse, angry over a recent break-up, quickly got the upper hand against the drug-addled mind of New York Times bestselling author Klosterman, continually bodyslamming the author and frequent contributor to Esquire magazine. With Klosterman weakened by Jesse's mad rage, Jesse Cee landed his finishing move, the Receiving Room Splash, which led to an easy pin. Jesse takes the win and dominates the match in an impressive display.
MATCH LENGTH: 5.16
WINNER: "Pimpin'" Jesse Cee
A WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
"Champion" Ed Wood VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster
Deinna, on a roll from his win last week(ish), began this match with a series of painfull low blows, followed by an impressive series of arial kicks to the head and face. This quickly stalled Ed's momentum but didn't stop him from trying to come back. He countered move after move but more low blows slowed the transvestite champion even more. Then, out of nowhere, Emerald Galindo ran into the ring. What was she doing here? Who has she come to help? She just stood there in the middle of the ring emotionless for a few seconds. Then, like lightening, Emerald struck, kicking Deinna in the stomache and and landing a fierce powerbomb in the center of the ring, allowing an injured Ed to roll over and cover Deinna for a three count. Ed once again barely wins and Emerald has sent a strong message to her cousin Deinna.
MATCH LENGTH: 8.12
WINNER: Ed Wood
(an ad: our NEXT entirely FAKE pay-per-view, GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005, sponsored by The Crochet Guild of America, will be held SUNDAY, AUGUST 14th, 2005 at the Eric Idle Auditorium in downtown Zanesville, Ohio. Tickets are available NOWHERE because it's entirely fake!)
A #1 CONTENDER MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP:
Adolph Hitler & Charles Manson "F-ED UP" VS Andy Kaufman & Eddie Izzard "THE SMART ASSES"
An incredibly even match all the way down the board, a tense match between two very intense teams that both ache for the gold. There were times when the match seemed to erupt in total chaos with all four contestants in the ring fighting and using all kinds of weapons against one another ... steel chairs, cookie sheets, a cheese grater, a Darth Vader Pez dispenser, Jar Jar Binks pajamas, and, at one point in time, an inflatable sheep in a scene that had to be edited for television. At the halfway point of this match, the tag team champions, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, otherwise known as "The Collaborators," walked down to the ring and took a ringside seat to watch the action up close and personal. This added a sense mood into an otherwise tense match. Well, during one of these bouts of extreme chaos, Hitler, bruised and bloody, somehow managed to land his trademark Final Solution on the Britosh transvestite stand-up comedian, which led to the team of "F-ed Up" winning the match by knockout. The Collaborators did not look happy at having to face Hitler and Manson next week.
MATCH LENGTH: 9.06
WINNER: "F-ED UP"
"What? Drunk Jim, who was supposed to fight in the main event tonight, has just been found passed out backstage. Who attacked him and why? I ... I don't know. A replacement might have to be found to take Jim's place. And we'll try to figure out if Jim was attacked or if he's just drunk. Back to the action ... "
A "LAST MAN STANDING" SUPER HEAVYWEIGHTS MATCH:
Wesley Willis VS Tor Johnson
Tor Johnson, deceased Swedish professional wrestler, easily dominated this match with his years of professional wrestling experience. In fact, we haven't seen a match this one-sided since the bloody Mother Theresa VS Andre the Giant match of 1998. But, as Johnson was about to piledrive Willis through the Hindu announce table, "Son of God" Jesus H. Christ ran to the ring with a steel chair, unloaded on Johnson with chair shot after chair shot, allowing Willis to win as Tor lay unconscious on the concrete floor. Wesley Willis wins with a little help from Jesus. I guess for Willis, Jesus is the answer!
MATCH LENGTH: 5.46
WINNER: Wesley Willis
"This is Greg Kaczynski again, the Photographer ... and I promised to kick some ass ... and take the gold ... and take pictures of all the asses that I kick. Well ... I'm here in the arena TONIGHT ... and I promise that my first night in the Galindo Video Werstling Association will be one ... that NOBODY will EVER forget!"
A SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
"Savior Champion" Satan VS "Civil Rights Leader" Malcolm X
Satan SHOCKED the capacity crowd by getting in the ring and announcing that this one-on-one match was now going to be a HANDICAPPED match with his good friend and brand new disciple ... Bill Hicks! X was shocked but tried his best in a match that had the cards stacked directly against him. His best, however, was no good against the dark lord of all hellfire and the deceased Texas comedian. Their double teaming and blatant cheating left X bruised, bloody, and altogether beaten. With Hicks' help, Satan easily maintains his championship. Now the question is, with Bill Hicks at his side, who could possibly beat Satan now?
MATCH LENGTH: 7.28
A HARDCORE MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP:
"The Chosen One" Harry Potter VS "God's Only Son" Jesus H. Christ
Never before have we seen a match this bloody, this intense, this utterky insaine. Think ECW with fictitious characters. The Son of God (the SOG) gained an early lead but the Chosen One (the CHONE), eager to even up the match, quickly threw Jesus outside the ring and took the match to the concrete arena floor. The battle then spilled out down the ramp, through the entrance, and into the backstage area. Near the dressing rooms now, Potter managed to land his finisher, a running DDT that he calls The Unforgivable Curse, but Jesus H. Christ somehow managed to kick out of a pin. Then, the tables were quickly turned when, making up for his divine intervention earlier, deceased singer Wesley Willis ran to Jesus' aid by using a trash can to cut the Chone wide open. Then, more hardcore madness ensued as big tittied bookseller and Harry Potter fan "Angry" Marisa Johnson came out to even up the odds for Potter. With all four people fighting against one another, a bloody Chone somehow managed to land a second Unforgivable Curse on Jesus on the hard parking lot floor, knocking Jesus out and leaving him an injured, bloody mess, which quickly turned to wine. Harry Potter wins and goes on to face Satan for the Savior title at GVWA Cheesy Pay Per View Title 2005!
MATCH LENGTH: 18.26
WINNER: Harry Potter
OUR MAIN EVENT ...
A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP AT GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005:
The Choir Boy VS "Mean" Michael Burns VS Drunk Jim
The big question was, who would be taking Drunk Jim's place in this match? The answer, which should be obvious to almost all of you, was plain as day when the lights to the arena went dark ... broken by the blinding blinking lights of cameras flashing. And who should walk down the ramp? Why, it's none other than Greg Kaczynski "The Photographer" making his in-ring debut. Greg will be the third man, fighting bookseller "Mean" Michael Burns and renegade altar boy The Choir Boy for a shot at the gold at our next pay-per-view on Sunday, August 14th.
When the bell rang, The Choir Boy, who was robbed of the title at our last pay-per-view and has since devoted his life to grabbing the championship belt, did the UNTHINKABLE and walked out of the ring. For reasons unknown, The Choir Boy REFUSED TO FIGHT! Why would The Choir Boy, for whom beating GVWA Champion Mr. Lobo has become an obsession, simply give up another chance at the GVWA championship? For whatever reasons, The Choir Boy walked out of the ring and stood at ringside, refusing to fight in this match.
With the match now between "Mean" Michael Burns and Greg Kaczynski, "The Photographer," Greg started out with a lot of energy, hoping to impress during this, his first ever match, but Burns quickly slowed him down with his impressive arial moves. An impressive standing drop kick to the head seemed to injur Greg's neck, possibly ending his chances at winning this match. However, Greg bravely fought back with his angry, roughneck style of street fighting.
The match progressed on with the dominance shifting between the two wrestlers. Burns seemed to regain control after a devastating flying clothesline from the top turnbuckle. Then, he signalled for his finishing move, the Bookseller Smakdown, when out of nowhere, The Choir Boy RAN BACK INTO THE RING, landed his trademark Vestibule Takedown powerbomb on Michael Burns, and then stepped back out of the ring, allowing Greg to gain a three count. The Photographer wins his first ever match and now goes on to face GVWA Champion Mr. Lobo at our next pay-per-view. But the question remains, why did The Choir Boy help Greg win this match?
MATCH LENGTH: 16:35
WINNER: Greg Kaczynski
"What an incredible main event! In his first match in the GVWA, Greg Kaczynski gets a title shot at Mr. Lobo's championship belt, but why did The Choir Boy help Greg win this match?
Well, that's it for us. Tune in next week, or next week and a half, or next two weeks or so, for another exciting episode of GVWA Deviance! Thank you and good night!"
(ominous music plays as screen fades out)
It's like the "Empire Strikes Back" of kids books.
The next new episode of GVWA Deviance will be posted later tonight so that I can wash off this depressed Harry Potter funk ...
I was alerted to the reunion about five days after the fact by my old friend Shannon, whom I used to bug relentlessly by screaming "Tell me you like my hat, Shannon!" in my best fake Irish, Tom Cruise accent. She e-mailed me, we mused about Jamie Wedow's ample cheek bones, and I felt this great sense of remorse that I somehow missed my ten year high school reunion. And that sucks ass.
Well, my life is great. The religion I created in 1996 to worship director Ed Wood has been seen in Playboy, Premiere, New Yorker, Rue Morgue, Bizarre, and the National Enquirer. My wife Natasha and I are expecting another child, our first child together. My mother and father and brother are more than likely probably fine. I have somehow adopted a don't ask/don't tell relationship with my other family and that suits me just fine. I know I'll see then on Thanksgiving. I am the manager of the children's department of a major bookstore and I get to run clubs and do storytimes. I am up for a promotion to store manager as soon as the management finds a way to pry the kids section from my cold, dead hands. Last October I succeeded in my lifelong goal of mounting a massive festival of movies and music ... click here for some pictures and a short film clip from the event. Natasha and I just moved into our own house. It's great. I have a lawn. I mow my own fucking lawn. That is so great.
But the big news is that I just got my next movie script. It's a thriller called "Asylum Alcatraz" and it's about Alcatraz becoming privatized and sold as an insane asylum but the patients gain control. I will be playing a patient named Jerry who spends the entire film naked, screaming, masturbating, and viciously murdering people. We will be filming the movie later this year ACTUALLY IN ALCATRAZ, which is both a dream come true and my worst nightmare. We'll be doing all night filming live in Alcatraz and during October and November, the coldest, wettest, worst tome for me to be running around naked. I am excited and overjoyed and nervous and frightened, plus I have vague suspicions that I'm getting too old to be the wild, crazy, violent, naked man of a major motion picture, but I just can't wait to be in front of movie cameras again.
Anyway, sorry I couldn't make it. See you in another ten years, though. Or maybe this Thanksgiving. I'll be the one skinny brown guy yelling at his two kids at the Peter Piper Pizza near Metrocenter. Look for me.
... our main event is a blockbuster three way dance for a shot at the GVWA Championship. It's The Choir Boy, who has been looking for another change at champion Mr. Lobo's belt ever since GVWA Hardcore Homecoming, may have his chance but first he has to work his way through bookseller "Mean" Michael Burns and Drunk Jim.
Plus, Women's champion, B-movie king and avid crossdresser Ed Wood will have his hands full as he defends his title against "Double D" Deinna Disaster. Deinna has been on a roll lately. Will Ed be able hold on to his title? Also, the Savior title is on the line as champion Satan fights Malcolm X ... and Satan has promised a very special surprise for the deceased civil rights leader. What could it be?
Also, in what is sure to go down as a historical match of epic proportions, it will be The Chosen One versus The Chosen Son, Harry Potter versus Jesus Christ in a hardcore match for a shot at Satan's Savior title. Plus, we'll have a Battle of the Super Heavyweights - Tor Johnson versus Welsey Willis. Plus, we'll have David Letterman, Adolph Hitler, Andy Kaufman, and more!
Join us tonight at whenever I get around to it for GVWA Deviance!
BACKGROUND: iPod: Five Iron Frenzy/Flip The Switch/Get Up Kids/Grand Buffet
Last friday our store had its big release party for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It was a big Midnight Magic Party, as the company calls it, where we don't close the store at all so that people can come and buy the book. It was hardcore insane crazy madness fun. It was also a very personal triumph for me. It was also the biggest audience I've been in front of since I was a theater fag in Phoeniz, Arizona. Hands down, it was incredible.
Here's the personal part - our store used to have a community relations manager named Missy and she was a bitch. To me, at least, she was a whore. I have a few theories as to why she wanted to see me die. Let's go through them one by one ...
First off, I created my own religion in 1996 and it's still going strong so I think she had some problems with me there, as a lot of people do, and I'm fine with that. I know that there are a lot of easily offended Jesus-lovers out there who automatically tense up after learning that my name is REVEREND Steve from the Church of Ed Wood. And I'm fine with that. I'm not for everybody. I'm like Crystal Pepsi. I loved Crystal Pepsi. But not everybody loved Crystal Pepsi. So that's ok.
Missy the Clear Pepsi-Hater.
Secondly, my wife Natasha and I met each other for the first time while working at the same bookstore. Scandalous, I know. We did a fine job of hiding it but one day we kisssed in the parking lot and who was there in the food court looking at us? Missy. That's right. And what with her fat mouth that loved to gossip and spread rumors, our relationship became the talk of the store for like six to eight months. Managers would have talks with us. We would have our schedules changed around so that we wouldn't have to be around each other. Everyone talked about it. It was crazy. And it was all Missy's fault.
Missy the Shit-Stirrer.
Thirdly, when I was put in charge of the children's department, she did everything in her power to throw f-stop after f-stop in my path. The community relations manager and the kids person is supposed to work together, meet with each other, decide what they want to do, what they should do, formulate plans, ect. Not Missy. She told me what to do, refused to hear me out, and basically told me "do what I say" and that was the end of that. I was held back. I wanted to do so much with the children's section, with the weekly storytimes, with everything. But Missy refused to listen to me.
Missy the Deaf.
Two years ago, we had our bookstore's first Midnight Magic Party for the release of the Order of the Phoenix. And it was shit. Absolute shit. There was something like six hundred people there and what did we have for them? We had a "Bertte Botta Bean Counting Contest." Now, I don't know who the fuck Bertte Botta is, but she aint no Harry Potter character. It was a spelling mistake, obviously she meant Bertie Bots Every Flavor Beans. So, being super duper mister nice guy, I calmly went to Missy and explained to her that she had made a mistake and that she should correct all our flyers and signs and whatnots. This bitch looked me in the eyes and told me, hey, it's not wrong. They call her that in the book. And she refused to change anything.
The night of the Midnight Magic Party, six hundred Harry Potter fans were laughing at us and our big sign that said "Bertte Botta Bean Counting Contest."
In my head I dreamed of a HUGE Midnight Magic Party, the best in the city, maybe even the entire state. We'd have house-storing, wand-making, coloring for the younger kids, homework to do like crosswords, word searches, trivia games, raffles for big prizes, we'd give away a ton of free gifts, and all the while I would be there on the stage in kids, making people laugh, leading everyone through games and look-alike contests, doing stand-up comedy and putting a smile on everyone's face.
I asked Missy if she needed help planning the party but she said that she didn't need anyone's help. So she planned it all by herself. And six hundred people laughed at us.
Two years later, Missy's gone and I've pretty much done everything I had wanted to do with the children's section. Turned it right around. We don't have the biggest or the most up-to-date store in Sacramento but we have the greatest children's department, the best workers in the kids department, the best displays, the greatest and most exciting kids clubs, and I lead the coolest storytimes ever.
But one thing was missing, one last remaining remnant of Missy, a shadow left over from her that needed to be removed. And it finally happened last friday.
I feel sorry for anyone who wasn't at our store's Midnight Magic Party last friday. I took a five minute lunch, clocking in and out of lunch only because I had to. I went over three full hours on that stage without a single break. I was doing trivia contests, giving away a ton of stuff, making everybody laugh, and basically doing a three hour set of comedy for an audience of some six to seven hundred people. My brother-in-law remarked later that it looked like a rock concert. The kid's section was packed shoulder-to-shoulder. I had everybody laughing and cheering and screaming. It was incredible. It was like storytime for a few hundred people. I stood there on that stage, channel thirteen news filming me, a massive swelling audience of a few hundred people shoulder-to-shoulder, all of them cheering and laughing and applauding me and, for a few fleeding seconds, I wished that Missy was in the audience right then so that she could see me finally succeeding, finally taking my place, finally taking what was mine, finally wiping all remnants of that short, fat little woman who made my life hell and refused to allow me the chance to succeed.
A customer came up to me afterwards and asked me if I worked there or if I was hired to come and entertain everybody.
I took yesterday off. My voice was shot, my head was throbbing, and I had a huge fever. But I didn't care. I was smiling. And I thought, this might fade in a few days, a few weeks ... hell, this feeling might fade in a few hours for all I know ... but as of this exact second, I feel like a motherfucking rock star.
Pictures coming soon.
"Sometimes there's a calvacade of honors - and here's yet another plum of the type which fuels the determination of grateful horror hosts, reported by the Church of Ed Wood's Rev. Steve Galindo: 'In 1998 I got WWF NO MERCY for the N64, changed all the wrestlers into people I knew, historical figures, and my own bizarre original wrestlers, and it got to be such a huge personal thing for me that we would have fake pay-per-views, fake tv shows, and it was a lot of fun for about two years. Well, I've restarted it in a BIG WAY on my blog and we just had our first fake pay-per-view in which YOU, Mr. Lobo, beat the Choir Boy (altar boy turned bad) in the finals of a 16-man tournament... YOU are the GVWA CHAMPION!' What snarky comment could possibly be added to punch that up?"
"Hello and welcome to GVWA Deviance, our all new fake weekly television show! Tonight you are going to bear witness to some of America's greatest fictitious professional wrestling athletes go at it in the squared circle! Tonight's broadcast comes to you LIVE from the historic Mark Furman Arena in beautiful downtown Kent, Ohio.
We apologize for our show being so late this week. We had to postpone our show for a few days on account of a ton of incredible sex. Well then, let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."
A MUSICAL THREE WAY HARDCORE MATCH:
"Seether" Shaun Morgan VS Britney Spears VS "Molestor" Michael Jackson
Man, what a classic three way match! It started out with Jackson and Spears, the two obviously weaker wrestkers, teaming uo together against the muscular, angrier, "Evanescence" lead singer-fucking Morgan. But Shaun managed to even out the odds by bringing the steel steps into the ring. Using those sharp, hard steps on the white trash diva whore and the freakish child molester, Shaun mounted a comeback and succeeded in landing his trademark finishing move, a powerfull running face kick called "Kharma and Effect." Landing the K-and-E on BOTH Spears and Jackson, Morgan went for a pin but just couldn't seem to get a three count without interferance from the remaining opponent. This frustrated the lead singer of the band "Sether" and allowed creepy freakface Michael Jackson the opportunity he needed. Jackson threw the nasty white trash whore Spears out of the ring and slammed her hard into one of the steel ring posts, injuring her back. But Shaun followed the two outside and landed another K-and-E on Jackson and, while he was out, threw Britney back in the ring where he got an easy three count.
MATCH LENGTH: 8.16
WINNER: Shaun Morgan
A FIRST BLOOD "HOMECOMING REVENGE" MATCH:
Emerald and Natasha Galindo VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster
The question for this match was, could Natasha and Emerald remain a cohesive team for long enough to get the win? After all, last week at GVWA Hardcore Homecoming, Emerald actually tried to team up with Double D after Deinna had already eliminated Emerald's mother Nastasha. So could the Galindo Girls see things on the same page? Well, those questions were quickly answered when they came to the ring together and quickly went about attacking Deinna with powerfull double team moves, teaming up to slam Deinna down again and again and again. However, showing strength and cunning, Deinna seperated the Galindo Girls by throwing Emerald out of the ring and landing her trademark move, The Measles, on Natasha, knocking her out. Emerald tried to suplex Deinna but she countered it and in a flash planted a strong, fierce headbutt that cracked Emerald wide open. First blood. The bell rang, the ref raised Double D's hand, and in a very smart move, Deinna jumped the railing and ran out of the arena through the audience, screaming something about wanting a shot at the Women's Championship. This match is over but guaranteed this rivalry between Double D and the Galindo Girls is far from over.
MATCH LENGTH: 6:47
WINNER: Deinna Disaster
A ONE-ON-ONE MATCH FOR THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP:
"Women's Champion" Ed Wood VS Lisa The Machine
Lisa, with her bulky, meaty frame, easily dominated the frail, transvestite movie director from the beginnings of this match, throwing the champion all over the ring as if he were a rag doll. Ed tried to land move after move but the hefty Lisa was just too much for him. It seemed like lisa would easily win this mind until, in an act of desperation, Ed tried a headbutt on Lisa and this seemed to work as the chunky Lisa seemed temporarily stunned. Seeing his opening, Ed continued headbutt after headbutt until Lisa began to bleed. With Lisa dazed and bleeding, Ed landed his finishing move, a strong two-handed chokeslam that he calls "Pulling the Strings." Then, a three count, and Ed retains the women's championship.
MATCH LENGTH: 8:10
WINNER: Ed Wood
The scene is a hospital. The scene looks cheesy. Think back to when Vince McMahon was in the hospital from being attacked by Stone Cold and Mankind visited him with Mr. Socko. That's this scene, except in this hospital bed it's Reverend Steve, who was injured last weekend at Hardcore Homecoming. "Somehow, correct me if I'm wrong ... somehow The Choir Boy managed to seriously injure me, ME, put me on the damn shelf for a whole month, and somehow managed to STAY a babyface! Now how the hell did that happen? I'm here recovering in a hospital and that double-crossing bastard is getting YOUR cheers." He then vowed revenge on Choir Bow once he got out.
THE SEMI-FINAL ROUND OF THE 4-TEAM MINI-TOURNAMENT FOR THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS:
Ed Wood & Bela Lugosi "THE WOODITES" VS Hitler & Charles Manson "FUCKED UP"
A long, tiresome match between two perfectly evened teams. Fucked Up's anger and rage and brute strength were evenly matched by Ed and Bela's technical ring skills. However, it was the deceased heroin addict who lost this match, eventually becoming a victim to Hitler's "FInal Solution."
MATCH LENGTH: 11:20
WINNER: Fucked Up
Lance & Drunk Jim "THE BOOKSELLERS" VS Tim Burton & Johnny Depp "THE COLLABORATORS"
Lance and Jim, who made their mark in the GVWA last week by destroying "Mean" Michael Burns' chances at the gold, seemed to mave this match won. But as Lance went for the pin, former rivals and fellow booksellers "Pimpin'" Jesse Cee and "Mean" Michael Burns came out with chairs, unloaded on Jim and Lance, and allowed Burton to get a pin.
MATCH LENGTH: 10:56
WINNER: The Collaborators
Bill Hicks VS Malcolm X
The deceased civil rights leader started this match off with a strong clothesline, catching the comedian off guard. Then, a strong series of punches and kicks to the face ended up cutting Hicks wide open. But this seemed to simply enrage Hicks and give him more energy and strength, which he used to throw X out of the ring. There, the match seemed to be Hicks with his strong series of reversals outside the ring. But a swift kick to the face slowed Hicks down again. However, just as the enraged black man went for the pin, out of nowhere came ruler of hell and Savior Champion Satan. What was he doing here? Satan ran to the ring and began attacking Malcolm, trying to even the match, but with Satan temporarily distracted by the audience, X landed his painful Civil Rights Shoulder Breaker, winning by tapout. Satan, who for reasons unknown seems to want to help Hicks, helped him up and then demanded a match against Malcolm X for his Savior Championship next week.
MATCH LENGTH: 9:21
WINNER: Malcolm X
THE FINALS OF THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
Hitler & Manson "Fucked Up" VS Burton & Depp "The Collaborators"
This match seemed to almost have no rules as the legal men, Johnny Depp and Adolph Hitler, fought in the ring while their partners got hardcore outside of the ring with chairs, tables, and various cookware that somehow seems to always be laying around a wrestling ring in a hardcore match. It became obvious in time that the weaker team was The Collaborators, who seemed to weaken under the pure rage of Fucked Up. Then, semsing a chance to win, Burton threw Hitler out of the ring and decimated him with a trash can for a full twenty count, allowing the Collaborators to steal themselves a cheap win.
MATCH LENGTH: 14:34
WINNERS: The Collaborators
"Well, we have already seem some incredible fictitious professional wrestling tonight. Ed Wood beats hefty monster Lisa the Machine and will be facing 'Double D' for the championship next week. Also next week, Satan, who somehow seems to have befriended Bill Hicks, has made a match against Malcolm X next week for the Savior CHampionship. Shaun Morgan, lead singer of the band 'Seether,' gets an important win. And The Collaborators steal the GVWA Tag Team titles. What an intense night of fake wrestling!
But, coming up next, it's the match you've all been waiting for ... it's our big MAIN EVENT!"
A "LAST MAN STANDING" MATCH FOR THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP:
"GVWA Champion" Mr. Lobo VS Jack White
Once Mr. Lobo, in his trademark three piece siut and tie, and musician Jack White, in his usual white and red outfit and strange black bowler hat, met in the ring, a referee ran from the back into the ring, screaming "STOP THE MATCH!" With a stunned audience completely silent, the ref ran into the ring and handed a piece of paper the ring announcer, who grabbed the mic and cleared his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this championship match which was set to be a last man stanting match, will now be ... a normal one-on-one match with normal match rules ... and ... a special guest referee!" With that, The Choir Boy came walking down the ramp, cigarette dangling from his mouth, to the thunderous applause of the audience. With Choir Boy in the ring, the bell rang and the match begun.
An angry Jack White, who could taste that championship gold, quickly took it to Mr. Lobo with a dazzling array of suplexes, bodyslams, running knees to the face, clotheslines, and punches to the back. Jack White, the obvious alpha agressor, wanted not to simply land a three count and win this match. Jack White wanted to cripple Mr. Lobo and show the world that Jack White was the true GVWA champion. Then, as White signalled for his Hotel Yorba Check Out, the Choir Boy stunned the world by landing a rapid fire low blow to Jack White's jimmy, then landing his powerful Vestibule Takedown, completely knocking Jack White out.
The Choir Boy then allowed an exhausted Mr. Lobo to cover White. Then, after a quick three count, The Choir Boy raised Mr. Lobo's hand in victory. The audience was confused. Why did Choir Boy allow Lobo to win the match so easily? To make things even stranger, Lobo went to the ring posts, playing to the audience, and while he was estatic and distracted, Choir Boy kicked Lobo in the stomach and landed an incredibly powerfull Vestibule Takedown on the champion. Lighting up another cigarette, he spit on Mr. Lobo, then left.
MATCH LENGTH: 14:46
WINNER: Mr. Lobo
"What an incredible match! Mr. Lobo of television's 'Cinema Insomnia' retains the championship but the rivalry between Lobo and The Choir Boy continues to deepen.
Well, that's it for us. Tune in next week for another episode of GVWA Deviance! Thank you and good night!"
BACKGROUND: "The kombucha mushroom people ..."
Nobody in this entire planet earth ... not Christy Canyon, not Nina Hartley, not Jenny Weston, not Danni Ashe, not Debby Bell, not even Jenna fucking Jameson ... is having as much sex as I am having right now.
And if someone on this earth IS actually having more sex than me, then there ain't no way they're enjoying it as much as me.
WANTED: one brave soul to download the following songs and e-mail them to ReverendSteve@edwood.org for assimilation into my ipod ...
Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days
Helix - Heavy Metal Love
Helix - Don't Get Mad Get Even
Helix - Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'
Helix - The Kids Are All Shakin'
Helix - Deep Cuts The Knife
I am under the opinion that the eighties Canadian glam metal band Helix is in fact the greatest WORST band in the history of music. Helix is a serious version of what The Darkness is trying to do humorously. But all their albums cost like $20-30 in America, and there ain't no way I'm going to pay that much for something I'm going to laugh at unless it contains either Eddie Izzard, Dane Cook or Michael Ian Black.
Plus I've always loved that Springsteen song, despite always hating Springsteen.
Man, do yourself a favor RIGHT NOW ... head to Dane Cook's website and, on the right of the page, click on the "AUDIO/VIDEO" section. There, watch Dane's May 27th, 2005 appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Dane Cook is presently the funniest man on the face of this earth and this video clip is proof positive of that.
Buy his album right now. And, hell, if you have that kind of spending money for such a random purchase, then keep spending and go to my Church of Ed Wood merchandise page and help me afford Dane Cook's new CD which "drops" later this month.
Peace out, niggaz.
Plus, Women's champion Ed Wood will have his first title defense against hefty store manager powerhouse Lisa The Machine. Will Ed have the strength to hold on to his title? Emerald and Natasha will have their revenge in a two on one match against "Double D" Deinna Disaster, but can mother and daughter Nastasha and Emerald stay a team? Plus, a three way musical hardcore match between Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, and Shaun Morgan, lead singer of the band "Seether." Which musician will come out victorious?
Also, we will have a four team mini-tournament for the GVWA Tag Team Championship with Jim and Lance, fellow booksellers who teamed up last monday and made their mark by decimating fellow bookseller "Mean" Michael Burns, entering the tournament against the teams of Ed Wood and Bela Lugosi, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp and the formidable team of Hitler and Charles Manson. Which team will walk away the Tag Team champions? Plus, we will learn the condition of Reverend Steve, who was injured last week in a match against The Choir Boy. Will Steve ever wrestle again?
All that and more. Join us tomorrow night for GVWA Deviance!
But we're so broke we can only occasionally afford food, let alone an expensive all day music festival. So instead of going to the Warped Tour we're going to clean the house and do laundry all day. That's bullshit. I look forward to this all year, listening to bands and buying sweet shirts and scoring free shit and getting to spend the day getting to better know my girlfriend, now my wife.
Last year, something really bad happened on the Fourth of July and it was the Warped Tour that finally started healing our hearts, just Tasha and me under the shade listening to the Groovie Ghoulies play "Criswell Predicts" just for me.
This sucks. I am really upset about this. Hungry AND upset. My parents were supposed to send us a couple hundred so we could go but OF COURSE they let me down. What's new there? So, here I am at home, listening to the White Stripes and NOT listening to Armor for Sleep, Big D and the Kid's Table, Gratitude, MxPx, and Flip the Switch. That sucks.
I want to get drunk.
FIRST ROUND MATCHES:
Reverend Steve VS Judas
Tor Johnson VS Pepe Galindo
A hard fought match between two huge, old behemoths. Tor eventually won via a bear hug. (10:32)
Gangsta' Eric VS Fatty Arbuckle
A lengthy, classic match but at the end a frustrated Eric cheated to win, using a steel chair to gain a pin. (16:51)
The Choir Boy VS Moody the Cat
The powerful, angry former altar boy, who wrestled the entire match with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, easily won by knockout. (4:49)
"Pimpin'" Jessie Cee VS "Mean" Michael Burns
An amazing match between two wholesome booksellers, Burns eventually won with his impressive arial moves. (9:54)
Michael Jackson VS Chuck Klosterman
The feminine musical child molester was no match for the author of "Killing Yourself to Live" who scored an easy win. (7:00)
Criswell VS Lance
Pre-Nikara Lance fought gallantly but eventually tapped out to Criswell's finishing move, the Prediction. (11:29)
Tim Burton VS Mr. Lobo
Burton, still injured from his match with Alfred Hitchcock earlier in the night, tapped out to the host of tv's "Cinema Insomnia" in an easily won match. (6:51)
SECOND ROUND MATCHES:
Reverend Steve VS Tor Johnson
A close match. Steve was about to win, signalling for his Rev. Steve Stunner, when out from the back came DEBBY BELL, ex-girlfriend of Steve from Phoenix, who came to help Tor by battering her former boyfriend with a wooden bat. It seemes as if Steve was a goner but his quick smarts out thought the rather dull Johnson, who got counted out of the ring, allowing Steve to advance. An angry Tor vowed revenge. (10:03)
Gangsta' Eric VS The Choir Boy
The Choir Boy, with his intense brute strength, made quick work of the wannabe gang member, knocking him out in under a minute. (0:52)
"Mean" Michael Burns VS Chuck Klosterman
A tough match, what with both contestants being fraile, petite, pale white journalists. But at the end the drug-addled mind of the senior editor of "Spin" magazine couldn't keep up with the high flying moves of Michael Burns, who landed a pin on the injured Klosterman. (11:17)
Criswell VS Mr. Lobo
Mr. Lobo, a man who hosts bad movies, going one on one with the propheceer of bad movies. This looked like it was going to be a classic match. But at the end, Lobo's big, meaty frame was too much from Criswell. What looked like an excellent match turned into an easy match as Lobo escaped from The Prediction and bear hugged his way into a win by submission. (4:27)
Reverend Steve VS The Choir Boy
Former tag team champions, former friends, Reverend Steve and ex-Catholic schoolboy-turned-bad The Choir Boy, found themselves toe-to-toe with each other, forced to remove their former friends if they were to continue to walk down the road to the championship. Steve, being a minister, made a fatal error. At the sound of the bell, Steve sat down in the center of the ring. He REFUSED to fight his former tag partner. And for a second, it seemed like Choir Boy was going to do the same. But, with a quiet "I'm sorry," The Choir Boy grabbed Steve and threw him out of the ring. Friendship or not, he was not going to let anything stand in the way of that championship belt. With a series of brutal chokeslams, piledrivers, powerbombs, and ending it with his trademark finishing move, the dreaded Vestibule Takedown, The Choir Boy landed a pin in under five minutes. The Choir Boy tried to apologize but Steve was taken out of the ring in a stretcher. A brutal match. (4:46)
"Mean" Michael Burns VS Mr. Lobo
The quick, risk-taking, high flying arial moves of bookseller and semi-journalist Michael burns seemed poised to overtake the giant Lobo. But when Burns went up to the top rope, an angry Lance came out from the audience with a steel chair and knocked out Michael Burns, allowing Mr. Lobo to score an easy pinfall and advance into the finals. As Lobo walked back to the dressing room, Lance continued his vicious assault, punishing Burns with that steel chair. Then, from the back, came Drunk Jim, who joined Lance in decimating Michael Burns. Suddenly it became apparent that Lance and Jim were actually in cahoots and that Lance had come out and inflicted revenge against Burns for his attack on Jim earlier that night. What a shocking turn of events this is. Mr. Lobo advanced to the finals and the team of Jim and Lance send a dangerous message to anyone who dares cross them. (6:07)
The Choir Boy VS Mr. Lobo
"And this is it, the finals. One of these two men will walk away the GVWA champion and will face the number one contender, Jack White, NEXT WEEK as the main event of the return broadcast of our weekly show, GVWA DEVIANCE! But before Jack White gets his chance, we need to find out right here, right now, who walks away from Hardcore Homecoming the brand new undisputed GVWA Champion ..."
The Choir Boy wanted to end this match quick, just like all of his other matches in the tournament, and quickly unleashed a series of high intensity moves with the intent of crippling semi-famous television host Mr. Lobo. This sent the crowd into a frenzy, cheering and screaming wildly. But Mr. Lobo, showing grit and determination never before seen, refused to give up, even after three devastating Vestibule Takedows. Mr. Lobo repeatedly kicking out of count after count after count, visibly upsetting The Choir Boy.
Then, as The Choir Boy called for a FOURTH Vestibule Takedown, the opening riff of "Blue Orchid" rang out and from the back, Jack White came walking down the ramp towards the arena holding a steel chair.
"What? Jack White? What's he doing here? Click here to listen to the ringside commentary during this part in the match ..."
The Choir Boy broke off his finishing move, ran out of the ring, and grabbed the steel chair from Jack White, smashing it over the singer's head, causing him to bleed profusely.
With chair in hand, The Choir Boy walked back into the ring and started to crack the chair over the back of Mr. Lobo. Then, suddenly the bell rang, and the ring announcer grabbed the mic and announced ...
"Ladies and gentlemen, due to a disqualification, the winner and NEW GVWA Champion is ... Mr. Lobo!"
So there you have it. The Choir Boy has been cheated out of the title and a cunning Jack White now goes on to face GVWA Champion Mr. Lobo at our new fake tv show GVWA Deviance, which premieres July 11th, 2005. But still, many questions are still left unanswered. What will The Choir Boy do now? What do angry booksellers Lance and Jim have in store for us? And what is the condition of former champ Reverend Steve?
Be sure and join us July 11th, 2005, for GVWA DEVIANCE! Thank you and good night!
(BTW, here's the crowd noise during the main event. Again, it's like 10 different wav files of myself and my daughter mixed together. You can hear, for no reason whatsoever, me yelling "Show me your tits, faggot!" and "Go back to China!" Good fun!)
"Welcome to GVWA Hardcore Homecoming, our first fake pay-per-view in over five years! Tonight you are going to witness the rebirth of America's premiere fictitious professional wrestling federation as it rises from the ashes like a phoenix. So, let's stop the pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."
AN "I QUIT" DIRECTOR'S MATCH:
Ed Wood VS Afred Hitchcock
The music by Bernard Herrmann from the film "Psycho" signaled Afred Hitchcock's entrance into the arena. Hitchcock, the fat American director, came out to a massive chorus of boos, letting everyone at home know that this was a pro-Ed Wood arena. The theme from "Plan 9 from Outer Space" played next and the crowd went wild. But after a full minute of music, no one came out. No Ed Wood. The crowd was confused. What gives?
Suddenly, a ref came running out from the back with a sheet of paper. he gave it to the ring announcer who read it to himself, then brought the mic up to his mouth. "Ladies and gentlemen, we sincerely apologize ... but Ed Wood will NOT be participating in tonight's director's match." A chorus of boos fills the arena as the ring announcer catches his breath. "We are sorry but Ed Wood has dropped out of the match, stating that he has 'bigger plans' for tonight. However, Ed HAS chosen a replacement for tonight's match."
Danny Elfman's theme from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" starts playing as, to everyone's shock, bizarre director Tim Burton walks out. Alfred Hitchcock is stunned and visably upset, yelling at the ref that this isn't fair. But the bell is rung and the match starts anyway.
Burton starts the match charged with energy but Hitchcock, showing great mat skills, somehow manages to reverse almost every move Burton lands. Tim lands a few meager submission moves early on, a headlock here, an arm bar there, but the massive, meaty Hitchcock dominates with low blows, head butts, bear hugs, and Hitchcock's trademark move, a running kick and clothesline he calls "The Director's Chair." Nevertheless, Burton refuses to say "I quit."
As the ten minute mark rolls past, the tables get turned when Tim threw Alfred outside the ring. A few well placed shots on the head with the ring bell and the massive steel ring steps made Alfred bleed, weakening him enough to eventually make the acclaimed director scream "I quit" before passing out from massive blood loss.
MATCH LENGTH: 17.07
WINNER: Tim Burton
FOUR WAY DANCE FOR THE SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP:
God VS Satan VS Hitler VS Jesus
"I'd hate to pull an Ed Wood here," Jesus says with a slight cockiness in his voice as he faces the other three contestants in the ring, "but I'm going to be honest here and say ... that there's NO WAY IN HELL that I'm going to win this match. I mean, let's be honest, right? So what I'm going to do is drop out of this match ... and give my spot to someone who is not only deserving the title of savior but someone who I know I'm putting all my money on."
With that, Jesus puts his mic down and walks out of the arena to a swell of boos. The boos stop, however, when the song "Jesus is the Answer" plays and the obese, schizophrenic, recently deeceased singer Wesley Willis walks down the ramp to the ring amid thunderous applause.
As the bell rings, all four conbatants rush to the center of the ring in an orgy of punches and kicks and sweat and violence. When the dust settles, Hitler is bringing it to God and Wesley is being decimated by the awesome strength and hardcore wrestling style of Satan. In fact, as the time rolled on it seemes almost as if Hitler and Satan were teaming up in this anything goes match. Using his finishing move, the legendary Hellfire Head Drop, Satan easily eliminated Wesley Willis on six and a half minutes.
After Willis was eliminated, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that Satan and Hitler were in cahoots. The two quickly began double teaming God with powerbombs, neckbreakers, and painful submission moves. Hitler's powerful Final Solution head scissors takedown allowed Satan a close two-count, but God kicked out and fought with renewed strength. Satan, sensing his opportunity, sat it out ringside while an enraged God fought against Hitler, eventually landing a massive top rope leg drop on Hitler, injuring his neck.
Once Hitler was injured, Satan rushed back into the ring with a steel chair and attacked God, cutting his head wide open. Bruised and bloody, Satan easily landed a three count on God, leaving only Satan and his teammate Hitler remaining.
Now Satan's plan was all too clear. With Hitler damaged, Satan went into a series of submission moves that focused on the genocidal maniac's neck, injuring him further. Hitler quickly tapped out to a camel clutch, making Satan the winner and the NEW GVWA Savior!
MATCH LENGTH: 15.24
BATTLE OF THE DRUNKS SUBMISSION MATCH:
Angry Jose Galindo VS Drunk Jim
Both men staggered to the ring as the bell rang for this match to start, but somehow all the alcohol through their system didn't stop Jose from unleashing a fast paced arial move reminiscent of early Hardy Boyz matches that quickly slowed Drunk Jim down. However impressive Joe's high flying style was, though, he just didn't seem to know any submission moves and was therefore unable to seal Jim's coffin so to speak.
Then, at the six minute mark, out of nowhere comes "Mean" Michael Burns with a steel chair. He rushed into the ring with a steel chair and uses it to seriously injure Drunk Jim, causing him to bleed profusely. But why? What is the reasoning behind Michael Burns' appearance in this match? Was it to show off before his championship tournament match or was it to send a message to fellow corporate bookseller Jim?
Whatever Burns' reasoning was, it prompted deceased Galindo family cat Ki-Ki to run to ringside and attack Joe. Eventually the ring was cleaared and Jim managed to turn the tide by moving away from a turnbuckle dropkick, causing Joe to slam to the canvas in pain. With Jose stunned, Jim unleashed submission move after submission move, eventually making Joe tap out to a modified cobra clutch.!
MATCH LENGTH: 11.16
WINNER: Drunk Jim
12 WOMEN OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE ROYAL RUMBLE FOR THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP:
This match started out with four women in the ring ...
VAMPIRA, "CRAZY" TERE GALINDO, BITCH HEATHER, and ANGRY MARISA
Tere and Heather, old rivals, battled it out right off the bat. Marisa blindly punched and kicked everythone she could see. Heather and 'Risa were soon at it. Tere managed to reverse an arm drag takedown from Vampira and sent her flying out of the ring.
Natasha was next, running to the ring enraged and ready to kick ass. She was met by Marisa, angry over a recent breakup, who lashed out at her old friend. Tere and Heather still went at it but, showing her amazing and freakish giant-like skill, eight foot tall bitch whore Heather chokeslammed tere right out of the ring, eliminating her.
"DOUBLE D" DEINNA DISASTER
Young Deinna ran in next and immediately landed a picture perfect running dropkick on her aunt Natasha, sending her flying right out of the ring. Natasha, enraged, vows revenge on her neice Deinna.
Eight foot tall freak of nature Q stomped her way to the ring and went toe to toe with similar freak of nature Bitch Heather. Marisa tried to get a piece of the both of them but was thrown out by the monstrous Q.
Young Emerald ran into the ring and immediately teamed up with her cousin "Double D" Deinna, despite Deinna's elimination of Emerald's own mother. With their perfect team skills, Deinna and Em succeeded in lifting and elimination the mighty bitch Q.
Collyne the angry ex quickly went about trying to injur Deinna and then Emerald. Then, Deinna, hopefully looking for an easy elimination, teamed up with Col in attacking Emerald. Em fought back but it was no use. Deinna landed a perfect uppercut that sent Em flying. Emerald, like her mother before her, vowed her revenge on Deinna Disaster.
This fat, overweight, asshole customer quickly went for Deinna. Then, showing her monsterous skills, Heather threw out Col like a rag doll, critically injuring Collyne's neck.
This SURPRISE entry entered the ring in a tube top and Daisy Dukes, showing off her newfound pride in her white trash bitch heritage. She went right to amazon whore Heather but was stopped in her tracks by both Deinna and Heather. M.A.3, a Spears fan, tried to help but was tossed over the top rope by Heather. Now only four remain and the last person to enter was ...
So THAT'S why Ed dropped out of the first match! Ed is eligable for the women's championship due to a loophole involving his transvestism. Ed quickly injured bith Deinna and Heather, then threw Britney out of the ring as easy as pie. With three people remaining, Deinna and Ed teamed to and quickly eliminated Heather. Deinna then kicked Ed in the jimmy and signaled for her finishing move, "The Measles," but Ed reversed it, landing a manhattan slam that sent Double D over the rope. Ed Wins! Ed Wood is now the Women's Champion!
MATCH LENGTH: 18.42
WINNER: Ed Wood
STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL REFEREE MATCH::
Bill Hicks VS Eddie Izzard VS Andy Kaufman
SPECIAL REFEREE: Davi-i-i-i-id Letterman
At the bell, all three men fought with amazing intensity both in and out of the ring. Letterman did a good job officiating as the three men traded off blows and moves. Then, as the match went on, Hicks and Kaufman seemed to team up AGAINST Eddie Izzard. Eddie Fought back and tried to throw Hicks and Kaufman out of the ring but, due to an eye rake by Kaufman, Eddie actually threw Hicks and referee David Letterman out of the ring by mistake.
An angry Letterman grabbed the steel ring steps and unleashed on Izzard, cutting him badly. Andy, left in the ring and wanting to join the fray, landed a perfect suicide dive through the roped and into Letterman, knocking him out. With the ref out cold, Andy and Eddie tried to injur Hicks but the deceased comedian was too much for them, fighting back with rapid fire chops and kicks.
When Letterman came to, he immediately went about destroying Kaufman. Then Hicks landed his Flying Saucer Tour finishing move, knocking Andy out. Letterman gave Hicks an assist by throwing Eddie Izzard out of the ring and handed Bill a very quick three count.
MATCH LENGTH: 12.20
WINNER: Bill Hicks
MUSICAL LEGENDS LADDER MATCH:
Jack White VS Elvis VS Neil Diamond
Elvis and Diamond immediately went for one another with White struggling to get in between but getting thrown out of the ring by either. Elvis was the first to get a ladder from ringside and used it to knock out his opponents. White Stripes frontman Jack White, however, was the first one to attempt to climb the ladder, taking advantage of Neil putting a figure four on Elvis, but eventually getting knocked down via a sunset flip from Diamond.
As the match grew older, it was Neil and Elvis' hatred for each other that cost them the match. Being too distracted by one another, Jack White easily landed his Hotel Yorba Check Out on both men and easily climbing up the ladder and getting the briefcase, winning the match.
And in that briefcase there was a contract guaranteeing him a shot at the winner of tonight's 16-man tournament that will crown a new GVWA champion!.
MATCH LENGTH: 15.41
WINNER: Jack White
"And now, all that's left is the 16-man tournament to crown a brand new GVWA champion. We will have a brand new GVWA champion tonight. Who will it be? Find out ... after this."
Get ready for some of the greatest, fictitious, most offensive professional wrestling you've ever read about!
BTW, here's the background "parking lot" noise that's behind the previous audio spot. It's something like 16 different wav files mixed over each other including me pretending to be a bunch of different people, my daughter singing Yellow Submarine, me sneezing, and dialogue from Kids in the Hall, Planet of the Apes, and The Princess Bride. I think it's funny.