NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest or, you wuss!


Monday, October 31, 2005

GVWA Halloween Herpes 2005 pay-per-view

(a blank screen for nine seconds, then a shot of a packed audience yelling, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Triple Freak Me Out (Beastie Boys/Franz Ferdinan mash up)" by Party Ben)

"Hello and welcome to Mother Theresa's Rotting Corpse, smack dab in the middle of El Centro, California which is such a cultural mecca that the teenagers spend their evenings cruising around the sole Burger King ... and we are here fictitiously LIVE for GVWA Halloween Herpes 2005, which is being brought to you tonight by Homosexuality and 'Cop Rock: The Complete Series' seventeen disk special edition DVD, available now at all Stuckey's! And believe me when I say that you are in for an incredible night of fake semi-offensive professional wrestling.

There are a leperous buttload of questions that are waiting to be answered tonight. First off, can GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa of the B.S.O., the dreaded Book Seller Order, hold on to her championship belt in a three way match against "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski of The Catholics and dark lord Satan of the U.H.O., the fearsome Universal Hell Order? Can Marisa and the B.S.O. keep their power against The Catholics and the U.H.O.? Also tonight, the real leader of the Book Seller Order plans to reveal himself AND Catholics leader Jesus H. Christ promises that a MAJOR player in the GVWA will join their ranks. Who will it be? And also tonight, strange director Tim Burton finally gets to the bottom of just who attacked his partner Johnny Depp last month.

And the BIG question in everyone's mind tonight ... who will rule the GVWA once the smoke clears?

Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."


"Champion" Ed Wood VS Eddie Izzard

The night opened on a loud gathering of angry, big tittied femininity as a massive swelling of female GVWA wrestlers gathered in the ring to protest the next match. GVWA champion Marisa joined, among others, Emerald and Natasha Galindo, Vampira, Betty Page, Britney Spears, and supremely fugly actress Andie MacDowell. They were chanting "Hell no, we won't go!" and waving placards denouncing transvestites Eddie Izzard and champion Ed Wood. Just then, GVWA general manager and the secretary of the interior during the Harding presidency who was the one responsible for the scandalous Teapot Done oil reserve scandal Albert B. Fall walked up to the ring holding a microphone. He demanded that the women leave but Marisa grabbed the mic from him and registered her anger over the fact that since July a MAN, a transvestite male, has been the WOMEN's champion and tonight he was going to defend the women's title against another man. That was an outrage, Marisa said, and as the GVWA champion she DEMANDED that Fall stop this match. Fall took back his microphone and said that the match would continue ... and besides, Marisa probably wouldn't be the champion after tonight anyway, at which point an angry "Angry" Marisa let loose one of her trademark "Three Dollar Slaps," sending Albert to the floor. Angered, Marisa stormed out of the ring, followed by the other females. Then, Eddie Izzard walked to the ring, followed by champion Ed Wood, who walked down to the ring to the song "Ode to Ed Wood" by Jack Lukeman, available on iTunes. Ed started this match with amazing intensity, but was cut short as Izzard took the match outside the ring, slowing the champion down with bodyslams and a powerful chokeslam on the hard floor. Izzard then began to injure Ed's legs with leg locks and figure fours, but a swift shot to Izzard's head with a white cat that was sleeping under the ring swung the match back to Ed's advantage (PERSONAL NOTE - it was my daughter Emerald's idea for Ed Wood to use a white cat to attack Eddie Izzard, which is absolutely awesome). Ed then took the match back to the ring, where a series of furious kicks and chops did their damage to Izzard. It seemed like this match would soon be over. Then, out of nowhere, which is a phrase way overused in wrestling write-ups like this one, pin up queen BETTY PAGE, who was out here protesting earlier, ran out and knocked out BOTH compeditors with a steel chair. And as she walked back to the backstage area, a bloody Izzard rolled onto the knocked out champion, gaining a three count. Eddie Izzard WINS! Eddie Izzard is now the new women's champion!!


WINNER: Eddie Izzard

(Albert B. Fall shown backstage in an office behind a desk. Natasha Galindo and "Double D" Deinna Disaster sit angrily in chairs in front of the desk, looking at each other as if they could start trading blows at any second. Fall says that he called the both of them in there in regards to their steel cage match later tonight and goes on to explain that with Natasha still healing from being run over two weeks ago and what with Deinna being beaten to within an inch of her life by Natasha for three straight weeks now, Fall has decided to make this match a TAG TEAM CAGE MATCH. Both women started screaming and arguing, but Fall inturrupted them, saying that there were two matches before their match ... the God versus Jesus match and the big Andy Kaufman/David Letterman ladder match, so they both had only two matches to find themselves a partner. Natasha and Deinna both stood up, complaining to themselves, but as they both walked to the door, Fall stopped Deinna. When they were alone, Fall told Deinna that she didn't need to look for a partner, that he had a very SPECIAL suprise tag team partner for her, someone from her personal life, someone she hasn't seen in a VERY long time. Deinna looked confused and frightened as the camera's cut to some crappy hip hop ad for shoes or something ... )


God VS Jesus Christ (of The Catholics)

Deity and creator of all things God walked to the ring first, looking angry and confident in an N.W.O. Kevin Nash sort of way. He walked down to the ring, walked over the ring ropes, and stood in the center of the ring, awaiting his son. Many secodns passed and nothing happened. God, eternally patient, waited some more in the middle of the ring. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Jesus walked down the ring dressed in a three piece suit (think Batista but less buff and gay-looking). God was confused. Jesus walked into the ring, went toe-to-toe with God, and grabbed a microphone which, in the world of professional wrestling, somehow lurks everywhere. Jesus plucked the microphone from the sky and said that later tonight there is going to be a big eight team tag tournament for the tag team championship belts. The team of The Choir Boy and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski WERE scheduled to be in the tournament, but Greg is unable to compete due to his big main event title match. So, Jesus then said that Albert B. Fall has decreed that Jesus must take Greg's place, thereby making him UNABLE to fight God in the next match. Jesus then laughs and starts to apologize for not being able to fight Him, but a vengeful God decided he'd had enough and started wailing on his son, punching him with rapid fire shots to the face, cutting Jesus open. Jesus put his hands up, begging his father to stop, but God was unrelenting, continuing to unleash his fists of creation until seven referees had to run into the ring and hold God back. God ONCE AGAIN does not get his hands on his son. this heated rivalry continues ...


Andy Kaufman VS David Letterman

David Letterman and Andy Kaufman, two friends turned heated rivals, started their hatred of each other back in July at GVWA Hardcore Homecoming when David Letterman was the special guest referee in a three way match between Bill Hicks, Andy Kaufman, and Eddie Izzard. Kaufman landed a suicide dive through the ropes, accidentally hitting the talk show host. Since that time, Letterman has had it in for the deceased comedian. David Letterman quickly stunned experienced wrestler and former Inter-Gender Wrestling Champion Kaufman with a massive belly to belly suplex and a fierce face kick. Letterman continued with two tremendous piledrives, a move which Kaufman has a history with, and an incredible vertical suplex. This seemed to be leading to an easy win for Dave, who grabbed the ladder and set it up in the ring. But as he climbed the ladder, Kaufman rolled out of the ring, found a steel chair, and threw it into the ring, knocking Letterman's glasses off and sending him face first onto the mat. Kaufman then tried to make a comeback and ran into the ring, landing a series of moves that a dazed Letterman somehow managed to reverse. This furiated the comedian, who eventually screamed in rage and landed a rapid clothesline that floored the talk show host and one time crappy New York weatherman. Kaufman then tried to ascend the ladder but Letterman, on the floor, managed to kick the ladder, sending Kaufman flying OUT of the ring and onto the hard floor below. Letterman, sensing his opportunity for victory, set up the ladder and climbed to the top, where a briefcase hung from the roof. But once he was up on the ladder, he looked at the injured Kaufman and, in a pause reminiscent of Jeff Hardy when he was in the WWF and still talented, he dived through the air to Kaufman who, at the last second, rolled away, causing Letterman to come crashing down hard on the floor, leading the audience to start a huge "HOLY POOP" chant through the audience insside Mother Theresa's dead rotting corpse. With Letterman knocked out cold, Kaufman was able to stumble into the ring, climb the ladder, and take down the briefcase. And in th briefcase? A shot at Dead Guy from Sublime's Savior title next week at GVWA Deviance!


WINNER: Eddie Izzard

"What an incredible night so far! Eddie Izzard is now the Women's champion and Andy Kaufman, in an incredible match, wins a Savior title shot next week against the U.H.O.'s That One Dead Dude from Sublime. And we're not even halfway done with tonight's pay-per-view. We still have the big eight man tag team tournament and the three way GVWA championship match! But next, we have what is NOW a tag team cage match ..."


"Sexy Ass Wife" Natasha & ??? VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster & ???

This intense rivalry started at Hardcore Homecoming in July and has just been building and building and building. Two weeks ago we had our first ever Parking Lot Match, which ended in Natasha being hit by a car being driven by Betty Page but winning due to help from New York Times bestselling music author Chuck Klosterman. Then, last week we had our first ever Bar Room Brawl which ended controversially with Catholics member The Choir Boy helping Deinna to win. Now, Natasha walks to the ring ... SHOCKINGLY being accompanied by her own daughter EMERALD GALINDO! Emerald, wrestling again after being injured by Deinna at our last pay-per-view, is now joining Natasha in her mad quest for venegance. Daughters Natasha and Emerald stood in the middle of the ring, waiting for Double D to come out with her partner. Deinna walked down the ring next, alone. Deinna walked down the ramp looking around her, looking very confused. Then, as she stood in the ring and eyes Natasha and Steve ... Deinna's tag team partner walked down the ring ... and it was none other than Deinna's estranged farther SHIRTLESS RANDAL! Natasha and Emerald were shocked. Deinna was too. She also looked a bit upset, a bit sad, and a bit frightened as well. As the cage lowered and the bell rang, Natasha and Emerald both charged at Double D and Shirtless Randal. A flury of rapid fire punches exploded in the center of the ring as Natasha fought her older brother Randal and Emerald fought her cousin Deinna. Their punches seemed to go on forever until Randal threw Natasha face first into the steel cage, catapulting her backwards onto her back on the canvas. randal then began to climb but Emerald poked Deinna in the eyes and then landed an impressive standing jumpkick that caused Randal to fall hard onto the ring. Then Natasha, standing up looking incredibly bloody from the steel cage, landed a massive chokeslam on Deinna, then focused on Randal with Emerald's help. In fact, they attacked Shirtless Randal for seven minutes with a double neckbreaker, a double piledriver, and a series of intense suplexes. The Galindo mother and sister were so focused on attacking the stronger Randal that they didn't notice Deinna stirring, standing up, and slowly climbing the cage behind Natasha and Emerald's back. By the time they noticed Deinna, she was climbing over the cage and climbing down to the floor. Her feet touched the floor, the bell rang, and Deinna ran through the enterance into the backstage area. Natasha and Emerald were stunned, but as the cage raised they CONTINUED their assault on Deinna's father ... cutting his tan shirtless chest open with devastating kicks. And Deinna, Randal's daughter, ran away without helping him. This rivalry has just heated up ....


WINNER: "Double D" Deinna Disaster & Shirtless Randal


Jimi Hendrix VS "Fatty" Arbuckle VS Manos: The Hands of Fate VS ???

Former Savior champion Jimi Hendrix came out first to the opening riff of "Foxy Lady," followed by silent film star Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Then, newcomer and worst movie of all time Manos: The Hands of Fate came out wearing his iconic long black robe with crappy red hands sewn on either end. Manos, in his first match in the GVWA, walked into the ring accompanied by his drunk half-monster manservant Torgo. Manos plucked a mic from thin air and started talking bad dialogue about some vague god he worshipped ... when suddenly the lights went out, the audience screamed, and a dark brown light filled the arena followed by a smokey mist. Then, out came ... shockingly ... former GVWA wrestler and deceased sock monkey monster SNUFFY, back from the dead once more to seek vengance. What is he doing here? Why is he back again? What is this tall, masked, bloodthirsty sock monkey monster doing back in the GVWA after six years? As Snuffy walked slowly down to the ring, the three others were scared stiff. Wearing a red mask and standing well over seven feet tall, this remorseless monster walked over the ring ropes and stood in the center of the ring, silent and still. The bell rang ... and nobody moved. Nobody dared attack this tall monster first. Finally, Manos: The Hands of Fate continued talking about serving the god Manos ... and Snuffy grabbed his throat and landed such a massive chokeslam that the entire ring shook with fury. Then Snuffy pinned manos and landed an easy three count, elliminating The Hands of Fate. Then Snuffy stood up and, like before, stood silent and still like a statue erected in the center of the ring. Arbuckle and Hendrix, realizing that there was only one way to win this match, decided to charge Snuffy at the same time, landing punches and low blows and chokes on the massive monster but although it seemed to have no effect on him, Snuffy did not fight back. After a few minutes of their attack on him, Snuffy did the unthinkable and simply WALKED OUT of the ring and back to the backstage area, leaving the match. Both wrestlers were confused ... but Arbuckle was quick, attacking a still confused Hendrix and getting a rollup and a three count. Arbuckle gets a win ... but the real question here is WHY has Snuffy come back?....


WINNER: Fatty Arbuckle

"Before we start the massive eight team tag championship tournament, we would like to remind you that NEXT WEEK another amazingly fictitious episode of GVWA Deviance will be coming to you LIVE next thursday, that's NEXT thursday November 10th, and it will be coming to you from the George Takei Flamin' Bath House in downtown Scoobeyville, New Jersey. Tickets are on sale at all Quick Stop and RST Video locations, so get yours now before they sell out ..."



Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Buddah & Negative Evil Foriegn Stereotype ("The Foriegn Heels") ...

The new team of evil foriegn bad guys, a team that calls themselves the Foriegn Heels, came out first to a chorus of boos as Buddah and the N.E.F.S. danced through the A-typical speech that all bad guys go though to get the audiences against them. Then the B.S.O., the former tag champions, came next, quickly taking it to the Foriegn Heels. The N.E.F.S. tried to injure Jesse with submission moves with a foriegn name to make him more of a heel, but the experienced team of Jesse and Lance made quick work of the newcomers and managed to advance.



Jesus & The Choir Boy (The Catholics) VS Mr. Lobo & Criswell ("Double Feature") ...

The beginning of this match was completely dominated by former GVWA champion and late night horror host Mr. Lobo, who immediately went to work on further injuring Jesus, who was beaten up earlier by his father God. Cornering him in Double Feature's corner, they managed to quickly take Jesus out of the game, almost winning. But Jesus somehow managed to tag in an angry Choir Boy, who utterly decimated Criswell and rival Lobo, eventually landing a massive Vestibule Takedown and gaining a three count.


WINNER: The Catholics

Michael Jackson & Jack White ("Two Jax") VS Bill Hicks & That One Dead Guy From Sublime (The U.H.O.) ...

All eyes were on White Stripes frontman and devout catholic Jack White, who promised last week that he would send a strong message to the Book Seller Order. But Jack didn't even see ANY ring time in this first round match as accused child molester and monsterous looking freak Michael Jackson quickly gained a roll up on Bill Hicks, squeezing out an easy win. The tag team champions advance to the next round..



Adolph Hitler & Charles Manson ("F-ed Up") VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

Bandaged from his match last week, Dirty Sanchez, a former wrestler from the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation, the TWWF, ugly moustached mass murderer Adolph Hitler quickly used this to his advantage with kicks and knee drops all focused on Sanchez's bandages. This made Mr. T.C. the dominant man in the Hardcore Freaks, but Sanchez was unable to tag him in. Hitler and Manson worked like an efficient team, tagging each other in quickly and not letting Sanchez tag. But when Hitler signalled for his Final Solution, Sanchez landed a fierce low blow, then tagged in Throat Cancer, who knocked out both Hitler and Manson, making Hitler tap out to an ankle lock. The Hardcore Freaks advance and face the tag champions in the semifinals.


WINNER: Hardcore Freaks


Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Jesus & The Choir Boy (The Catholics) ...

This match was almost all Choir Boy, who started out this match enraged, quickly cutting both Lance and Jesse open. The crowd inside Mother Theresa's dead rotting corpse was all behind Choir Boy, chanting his name as he utterly decimated the B.S.O.'s chances at tag team gold. In fact, by the five minute mark it seemed as if it was all over as Choir Boy signalled for one of his Vestibule Takedowns ... but then, out of nowhere, REVEREND STEVE ran out to the ring with a bat and CRACKED Choir Boy's bat with a massive swing, sending him, to the ground with a sickening thud. Jesus came to help his partner but got another swing, this one to his stomach, sending the son of God on thee floor screaming in pain. Jesse then covers the Choir Boy and gets a three count, sending the B.S.O. into the finals! Jesse and Lance hugged as Steve continued his assault on Choir Boy with the wooden bat. Then, Jesse walked up to Steve, patted him on the back, raised Steve's arm in victory, and handed him a B.S.O. t-shirt. Steve took the shirt, smiled ... and then swung his bat, knocking out Jesse and Lance. Then Steve THREW the shirt on them, smiled again, and walked away. The Book Seller Order makes it to the finals but what are their chances now that Reverend Steve has refused to join?



Michael Jackson & Jack White ("Two Jax") VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

This match started out with Jack White going up against Mr. Throat Cancer. White took it to Mr. T.C. early on, slowing his momentun, but a massive headbutt cut the singer open, evening the match somewhat. White was dazed from being cut open but after a few minutes he rebounded, landing an amazing powerbomb on T.C. and then his finishing move, the Hotel Yorba Check Out. But as White went for the pin, deceased comedian BILL HICKS of the U.H.O. ran out with a steel chair and knocked out both of the champions as retalliation for their first round match. With both men knocked out, T.C. tagged in Dirty Sanchez, who gained an easy three count on Jack White. The tag champions are OUT of the tournament, meaning that we WILL have NEW tag team champions tonight ... but who will it be, the injured Hardcore Freaks or the injured B.S.O.? We're about to find out ...


WINNER: Hardcore Freaks


Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

Both teams tired, both teams injured, both teams bandaged and bloody, this was to be an incredible, historic match between two weary compeditors, Jesse and Lance, the former champions, fighting against the two new upstarts, Dirty Sanchez and Mr. Throat Cancer. As the bell rang and this important match got underway, Lance and Dirty Sanchez started off against each other. Showing no mercy, angry pre-child Lance unleached a series of massive headbutts and arm bars, then landed four backbreakers and a camel clutch that ALMOST made Sanchez tap out. But as the match spilled out of the ring, Sanchez gained control with a series of devastating bodyslams on the hard floor. Then, a tag to Mr. T.C. sealed the deal as he struck Lance and Jesse with a series of deadly submission moves that led to Jesse eventually tapping out. The Hardcore Freaks are the NEW tag team champions!


WINNER: Hardcore Freaks

"Um ... ladies and gentlemen, I ... it seems that I have an ... an announcement to make. It looks as if ... I have just received a message from our general manager Albert B. Fall ... and he has just now made the main event for next thursday's episode of Deviance. So, the main event will be ... a triple threat match for the Savior championship and it will be ... the GVWA Savior champion and Universal Hell Order member That One Guy From That Band Sublime going up against Andy Kaufman ... and Fatty Arbuckle!"..."


Tim Burton VS ????? & ?????

This was it, the end of the road for director Tim Burton who, for over a month, has been trying to find out who attacked his tag team partner Johnny Depp. His list of five suspects has been elliminated to the last two suspects, whom he will now fight against. Tim, walking to the ring to the music of longtime collaborator Danny Elfman, walked straight to the ring, made a microphone appear out of thin air, and quickly said that enough was enough, that it was time to find out exactly WHO attacked Johnny Depp. So Burton cleared his throat, took a scrap of paper from his pocket, and SHOCKED the capacity crowd inside Mother Thereesa's corpse's stomach region by calling out his last two suspects ... HARRY POTTER and "Reading Rainbow" host LEVAR BURTON! The british bestseller and the black book pusher both walked down the ramp, both looking very confused. The two walked into the ring and quickly started speaking their case of innocence, trying to explain how they did not do it, when all of a sudden Burton GRABBED both men by their throats, choking them so fiercely that they were both sent to their knees. But as Burton yelled in their faces, the ENTIRE Book Seller Order, the entire B.S.O., "Intense" Ian, Jesse, Lance, Marisa and "Mean" Michael Burns ran into the ring and started attacking Burton. They let loose on him with kicks and punches, attacking like a wolf pack, unrelenting and primal, just stomping the life out of the director of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. And all the while, Harry Potter and Levar Burton just took a few steps back, each one smiling to themselves. Finally, after a small pool of blood began to form beneath Burton, Jesse plucked a mic from the air and said "SO ... now that you know ... who everybody's working for ..." gesturing towards either Harry or Levar. Then, as Harry Potter raised his arms up in some sort of victory position, Jesse walked towards LEVAR BURTON ... and raised his arm up! Harry looked shocked and grabbed a mic. "Hey ... are you guys saying that ... Levar is the leader of the B.S.O.? How can that be? The B.S.O. was MY idea! I started it!" Then Jesse grabbed the mic from his hands and slowly handed it to Levar who cleared his throat and began to speak. "Yes, Harry, the B.S.O. was your idea. You started it all. And that's all you did. The leader now ... is me." Then a sinister smile formed slowly on Levar's face. "But," he continued, "you don't have to take MY word for it!" And with that, the B.S.O. pounced on Harry Potter, attacking him with the same furiousness that they did Tim Burton. When they had their fill, Levar stopped them, laughing, and they all patted themselves and walked away.




"CHAMPION" "Angry" Marisa (B.S.O.) VS "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski (The Catholics) VS Dark Lord Satan (U.H.O.)

This was it, the big triple threat match, the WAR between the three incredibly powerfull factions that are trying to take over the GVWA ... the Cathoilics, the Universal Hell Order, and the Book Seller Order. Who would walk away the victor and sieze control of the entire federation?

The lights went out in the arena, the lights flash, and Greg Kaczynski came walking down to the arena followed closely behind by Jesus Christ and The Choir Boy, both of whom were covered in stitches and bandages. Then, the lights went out again, but this time the arena was covered in an ominous red light and smoke. The opening to the song "Night on Bald Mountain" signalled the arrival of Satan, the leader ofthe U.H.O., the dreaded Universal Hell Order. Satan came to the ring accompanied by Bill Hicks and That Dead Guy Who Was In Sublime, his evil followers. Satan walked to the ring and announced that next thursday on the next episode of Deviance, there would be a SURPRISE Soul Match of major proportions. It looked as if he was then going to announce his opponent for the soul match but then, suddenly, some loud song by Rufus Wainwright started playing and out came GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt and being accompanied by Lance, Jesse, "Intense" Ian McEwan and the REAL leader of the B.S.O., black book pusher Levar Burton.

The bell rang and all three combatants rushed at each other, punching and kicking with furious intensity. Then Satan threw Marisa out of the ring which caused the ENTIRE B.S.O. to charge the ring. This in turn caused The Catholics to charge the ring which in turn led the U.H.O to rush into the ring, making the scene look like some soccer riot or a race riot in Toledo. Then, without warning, the lights in the arena went out and the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing. As the lights came back up, the GVWA general manager and the only United States cabinet member that was ever sent to prison for a crime committed in office, Mr. Albert B. Fall, walked into the ring escorted by at least fifteen police officers. He then grabbed a mic and decreed that anyone NOT signed up to be this match needs to leave the ring immediately. There was cheers from the audience and angry screams from the people in the ring. Fall then dispached the police to the ring and within ten minutes the only people in the ring were Marisa, Greg and Satan.

Once they were alone in the ring again, Satan picked up Greg by the throat and violently threw him over the top rope and crashing down on the Hungarian announce table, breaking it into pieces. This essentially made this triple threat match a one-on-one match - various versions of this happens every single time a triple threat match happens in real professional wrestling, sadly. The dark lord Satan struck quick with a painful series of vicious clotheslines from hell (which makes sense, seeing how he's Satan and all) and chokeslams, quickly slowing down the cute, big breasted Marisa, who honestly had no chance to win without her muscle. Marisa did shift momentum back in her favor temporarily by kicking Satan in the nards (Satan's got nards?) but the demon god bounced back, getting Marisa in a modified walls of jericho that almost made Marisa tap out.

It was here that Greg somehow stood up, climbed to the top turnbuckle, and landed a vicious flying elbow to Satan's head, knocking his skull and stopping the submission move. With Marisa seemingly knocked out, Greg led an impressive assault against the dark lord, slowing down his momentum. When it looked all over, Greg stopped his assault and pretended to take a picture of Satan, which gave the dark lord just enough time to grab Greg by the throat, sending him down on one knee. Marisa stood up and kicked Satan's back, but he turned around, with Greg's throat still within his red hands, and grabbed Marisa as well.

Satan then signalled for his finishing move, the deadly Hell Slam. But then, the opening riff to the song "White Orchid" blasted through the arena and as the audience cheered, JACK WHITE ran into the ring and landed his finisher, the Hotel Yorba Check Out on Satan, knocking him out. Greg fell to the floor. Marisa stood up and outstretched her hand to shake Jack. But Jack simply looked at her hand, viciously kicked her in the stomach, and landed a second Hotel Yorba Check Out on Marisa, knocking HER out! Then, Jack White did the UNTHINKABLE ... he went down on both knees, made the sign of the cross, and started PRAYING! JACK WHITE has JOINED the CATHOLICS!

When he wad done praying, Jack stood up, again made the sign of the cross, and picked up fellow Catholics member Greg. They hugged and Greg pinned Satan, still knocked out from White's finisher. And Greg got a three count. Greg then fell to his knees and cried tears of thanks to Jesus for helping him win the title, to which Jesus came out from the dressing room and said thanks. Succeeding in doing what he promised he'd do months ago, the long road is over and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski has WON the GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP! Greg is our NEW champion!!


WINNER: "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski

"Wow, what an incredible series of events! Three title changes happened tonight! Eddie Izzard is now the Women's champion, The Hardcore Freaks win the tag titles in an incredible tag team tournament and Andy Kaufman wins a Savior title shot against That One Dead Dude from Sublime. Deinna pulls out another win against 'Sexy Ass Wife' Natasha due to help from her estranged father Shirtless Randal, the deceased sock puppet monster known as Snuffy returns, Levar Burton is the real leader of the B.S.O. and Greg Kaczynski wins the GVWA championship with a little bit of help from new catholics member Jack White.

I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight and I can't wait to see what happens NEXT WEEK at GVWA DEVIANCE! Well, that's it for us. Hope you had some sort of fun reading all this crap and I sincerely hope that you join us again next week for more frighteningly fictitious professional wrestling.

Thank you and good night!"

Sunday, October 30, 2005

GVWA ads - wave three (and various news) ...

Here are some more nice looking GVWA ads, wave three of what will hopefully one day encompass every single professional wrestler in the entire federation. This is a nice series. If there's someone you haven't seen yet, just wait. They'll be coming soon.

Well, I've started work again. It's sad not spending the whole day with my family but I seem to be a lot more focused now at work, so that's good.

Hopefully today's GVWA Halloween Herpes ppv will actually be done and posted today. I hope so. Anyway, here's the ads ...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

What keeps me going ...

... awesome mornings, awesome sky, awesome music, awesome Emerald, an awesome family, and an awesome day.

Emerald wakes me up every morning between eight and nine am. She wakes me up by pulling on my feet and saying "Wake up, you silly head." To tell you the truth, I'm usually awake once she opes the door to my bedroom, but I pretend to be asleep anyway. When the feet pulling doesn't work, she climbs up onto the bed and kisses me. This works. Pretty soon I'm cuddling on the couch with her watching Dragon Tails and Clifford and her favorite cartoon, Cailou, or however the hell that bald headed yuppie kid's name is spelled. I just walked next door to get some syrup from nana's house and I liked what I saw, a blanket of clouds covering the sky. It is a picture perfect cloudy windy moody sort of day, finally an October day right before the end of October. It's awesome outside. It is an awesome day.

On days like this, my iPod can read my mind. It's been "Slow" by Jim's Big Ego, "Fade Away" by Seether, "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton, "Crowning of a Heart" by Trail of Dead, "Let's Be Natural" by The Rutles, "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer, "Ruby Tuesday" by Rolling Stones and just a little Black Sabbath to keep things spicy. Great music. And all the while my beautiful daughter Emerald is sitting across from me at the dinner table eating the pancakes I made for her this morning. And smiling. She is beautiful and smart and funny and awesome and although I could never be her father, I am honored to be her daddy. Days like these, morning like these, they are what keep me going. Amazing, awesome days like these, days when I'm a daddy and a father and a provider and all I have to do is be with my children and hug them and play with them. Mornings with Emerald and Isabela. I love these mornings.

And, sadly, I only have two more left.

I go back to work this saturday. I have been gone for seven weeks, almost two whole months, a long ass time to be away. I've missed work, missed the children's section, missed the people and the faces and Jesse's brooding and Ian's pop culture and Julia's hugs. I've missed being surrounded by children's books, my own private little cave hidden from the bestsellers and the self help books. I've missed doing my storytimes, being paid to entertain kids with my stories and my loudness and my craziness. I've missed the Harry Potter club and Pam and my desk and the break room. I've missed magazines. I haven't read a new magazine since last month. I've missed the graphic novels and the Series of Unfortunate Events and the stupid customer questions and I've missed pretty much everything about my job.

And at the exact same time I've absolutely loved spending every second of every day with my wife, waking up with my three year old daughter, taking care of my newborn while Natasha sleeps, and altogether NOT being at work. I'm frightened to go back. I'm sad to be leaving my family's side. I'm sad to be leaving these awesome mornings with Emerald watching PBS and the Muppet Show and cooking breakfast and warming my heart with her incredible smiles. These are the mornings that I live for now, mornings that will become few and far between when I start waking up at six-thirty to drive past Pettigrew and Sons casket company on my way to another long, tiring day at work.

I want to go back to work. And at the same time I'm scared to death about it. Still, awesome fucking morning.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The GVWA Audio Files Collection - continued ...

The GVWA, the Galindo Video Wrestling Association brings you a compilation of the cool, silly, stupid little audio files we've made to try and extend the illusion of fake professional wresling. They are all here for people to listen to and download. They make great space fillers for iPods, BTW. I have them filling up my little 1G iPod shuffle and it's refreshing to occasionally hear a "B.S.O." chant or Mr. Throat Cancer in between songs. Also, be sure to check out the very last one, the newest commercial for our next entirely fake PAY-PER-VIEW which will be fictitiously LIVE this Sunday, October 30th, 2005!

So here they are ...

GVWA Hardcore Homecoming - radio commercial

Hardcore Homecoming - parking lot.

Hardcore Homecoming - wrestler interview

Hardcore Homecoming - main event

GVWA Deviance - Cho Chang Stadium/Parsippany, New Jersey

Deviance - Jerry Stahl Bus Terminal commercial

Emerald's shoot interview

GVWA Cheesy Pay-Per-View Title 2005 - parking lot

Cheesy Pay-Per-View Title 2005 - new general manager reveal

Deviance - Bea Arthur's Vagina commercial

Deviance - Teapot Dome

Deviance - Westvaco commercial

Deinna's shoot interview

Deviance - Holy Poop chant

Mr. T.C.'s shoot interview

Dirty Sanchez/Mr. T.C. backstage interview


The History of the GVWA ...

The GVWA: A Retrospective

A look back at the Galindo Video Wrestling Association from 1998 to the present.


GVWA, the Galindo Video Wrestling Association, began in the fall of 1998 with a piss poor N64 game called "WCW/NWO VS The World," an incredibly pathetic little game that featured somewhere around 50 or so professional wrestling characters but only about 1/4th of them actual WCW or NWO wrestlers. The game might as well have been called "WCW/NWO vs Boring Racial Stereotypes" because the majority of the characters were Russian Stereotype Wrestler # 3 or Asian Stereotype Wrestler #12. Those weren't their actual character names but still, it was pathetic. What were they thinking? When people buy a WCW wrestling game, they want to see Scott Hall and Roddy Piper and Hulk Hogan, not horribly unoriginal characters created by some video game nerd who knows jack shit about wrestling. The game was crap. But it had one saving feature. The game gave you the ability to erase the names of the wrestlers and write your own. Therein lies the birth of the GVWA. Because of this innovention and fueled by Steve Galindo's boredom, Hulk Hogan became President Hogan, Randy Savage became Beef Jerky Eating Freak, Goldberg became Bill The 'Roid Rage Jew, Big Poppa Pump became silent film star Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle and Kevin Nash became dark lord Satan. Soon these original wrestlers were joined by people that Steve knew who were adapted into other pre-existing wrestlers. Chris Jericho became Michellico and Diamond Dallas Page became Diamond Dallas Victoria. Suddenly the entire video game was entirely full of original wrestlers, people that Steve knew, and various living and dead famous people like Elvis and Ed Wood and Hitler, the ultimate heel. And with this came an elaborate world inside Steve's head where Satan could team up with Jesus to take out God. In a few short months, this became a world unto itself, its own little universe that Steve called the Galindo Video Wrestling Association.

The first ever fake pay-per-view of the GVWA occured on Thanksgiving 1998. It was called GVWA Thanksgiving Slamfest. It was a small, uneventful little eight match event that occured in Steve's bedroom as he got wasted on Jack Daniels with his high school friend Tom Wegner. The first match and therefore the first ever GVWA match, was a hardcore match between Jesus and Satan. Satan won the match in under five minutes ... but later that night the Savior title was announced, a title that only original or deceased people could fight for, and Jesus was crowned the first ever Savior champion. Also that night, Reverend Steve teamed up with a mysterious masked luchador who never spoke who called himself The Ass Kicker. They called themselves ""The Streamliners," a name that comes from a play that Steve had written and performed earlier that year. They went up against Steve's own parents "Sexy Pants" Pepe and "Crazy" Tere Galindo. The Ass Kicker landed a fierce submission move on Tere, causing her to tap out in under two minutes, making The Streamliners the first ever GVWA tag team champions. The main event featured Elvis Presley going up against President Hogan. It was an uneventful match that Elvis won. What really mattered wasn't the matches or the wrestlers ... what mattered was that the GVWA was born. The results were written on the back pages of Steve's script for "The Princess Bride," a play that he acted in during the following March. That one script, which still sits on Steve's bookshelf, contains the GVWA from November of 1998 to June of 1999. The GVWA became a major part of Steve's life, consuming an embarassing amount of his life, but despite that it was from 1998 until 1999 a small little thing that was only known to those closest around Steve.

A few weeks after Thanksgiving Slamfest, Steve decided to create a fake weekly show called GVWA Weekend Deviance, eventually shortened to Deviance. At the first Deviance, which occured December 5th, 1998, Satan demanded a match against Jesus for the Savior title. However, Ed Wood got a title match instead and won the Savior title from Jesus, angering Satan who vowed revenge. A few weeks later, the SECOND ever fake GVWA pay-per-view, called The GVWA Birth of Christ BASH, featured a massive 16-man tournament to crown the first ever GVWA Champion. The two final contestants were God and Bill The 'Roid Rage Jew. In a lengthy match, God eventually triumphed and became the first ever GVWA champion. Satan lost in the semifinals but had his first ever Soul Match in the quarterfinals. In a Soul Match, if Satan wins he gets your soul for eternity. With the souls that he collected, he decided to start his own organization hell bent on destruction. he called it the Universal hell Order, the U.H.O., and they were the major force in the GVWA for its entire first run, save a few months where they fought for contrul against other federations such as Ed Wood's group, the Woodites, and Malcolm X's group, the Segregation Nation, made up of famous angry black people in history. The GVWA blew up in Steve's mind, big time. It went from some small, funny little thing for Steve to do and turned into this MASSIVELY DETAILED world with plotlines over plotlines and backstories that could never be done in the real world of professional wrestling. The Choir Boy premiered in January of 1999 in a match against Steve's friend Joey Karas. Andy Kaufman won the Savior title in March of 1999. Charles Manson joined the U.H.O. that summer, then entered a massive rivalry againt The Son of Sam. Ed Wood first won the Women's championship in January of 1999, beating Bitch Heather in an incredible match but only held on to the title for a week. The Mexican title, which could only be won by a mexican, was eventually thrown out due to a lack of mexican wrestlers. Eventually everybody that Steve knew worked their way into the GVWA. And it mirrored real life as well. When Sarah Snow decided to cheat on Steve and then turn dyke, Sarah left the Woodites and joined the Segregation Nation. When heather decided to dump Joe, she became Bitch Heather and join the U.H.O.. It became a way for Steve to escape reality and vent his frustrations at the world.

The GVWA became something big, if only to one person. It was great. It was awesome. And it didn't last. Why? No idea. It just didn't last. The last major event in the first run of the GVWA was a pay-per-view entitled GVWA Greatest Hits 1999. It was meant to be a nostalgia event, the current champions facing the one time great champions in an all out war, which is admittedly strange for a fake federation that only lasted a little over a year. The main event was a steel cage match for the championship. It was Reverend Steve of the Woodites versus Satan of the U.H.O.. Satan injured and completely decimated Steve and the Woodites and gained complete control of the entire federation. And after that, the GVWA ceased to exist. Until last July when, after going through some old boxes and finding WWF NO MERCY for the N64, he decided to kickstart the GVWA anew. And that is where we stand, the GVWA back with a vengance and with a much LARGER audience thanks to the internet.

The GVWA, since 1998, bringing you the BEST in fake professional wrestling, now bigger and more offensive than ever!


The Choir Boy

Choir Boy was meant to be ECW's Sandman meets WWF's Stone Cold Steve Austin ... if he went to catholic school growing up. I wanted to have an angry, bitter, disillusioned catholic who, like me at the time, was angry and pissed off and confused and drunk and filled with all this angry pent up blind rage and wanting answers that weren't coming. He represented a lot of myself, especially in my jump from Catholicism to Woodism, my leaving behind all the things I grew up with and blazing my own drunken trail. That was me at the end of last century and that's how I painted The Choir Boy. He is somebody that I wouldn't trust worth a damn but I would cheer on like crazy. The Choir Boy got his name from an episode of Night Court where Bull the baliff became a wrestler and had his first match against a bad guy wrestler named The Choir Boy who would poke people's eyes out with his candles. I thought that was hillarious and always remembered that. The Choir Boy was and IS a major player in the GVWA, an angry, drunk, pissed off young man who USED to believe in crosses and prayer and angels but now believes in nothing and no one. He held the GVWA championship for a month and was the last person to hold the Savior championship in 1999. He's a bad ass lapse catholic mofo and he's somebody to watch out for.

Levar Burton

Around 1997 the WWF started an organization called the Nation of Domination which was essentially the Nation of Islam as wrestlers. So I decided to start my own organization of angry black guys called the Segragation Nation. They never reached the heights of the U.H.O or the Woodites but they were still a frightening force to mess with. They consisted of Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., Rocky III opponent Clubber Lang, and (because the Nation of Domination eventually let one white person join because people were screaming racism at the WWF) Sarah Snow and "Sexy Pants" Pepe. Levar Burton, the host of tv's Reading Rainbow, was a major player since the beginning of the GVWA. The Segregation Nation tried to recruit Levar, but he refused to join, choosing instead to spread his love of books and kicking ass. This led to a major feud between the Segregation Nation and Burton with Levar always beating off the nation in impressive displays of strength. I personally like the idea of passive, kind, gentle Leval Burton kicking people's asses in the ring. So look for him to be back in the ring soon and in a major way.

Steve's Cousins

Being a mexican, I have 3,000,000 couins. And a lot of them eventually made their way into the GVWA along with my older brother Joe (or Jose, depending on who you ask.) The two major cousins who made an impact in the GVWA were Gansta' Eric and Tony the Drummer. Tony is the one cousin of mine who is the most normal and, besides me, the most white. He was a drummer for a band called Welcome Jupiter. They released one album before calling it quits. The band thanked me and my church in their liner notes and I still listen the shit out of that CD to this day. He's the kind of guy that wears all black and smokes and drinks but does it quietly, as opposed to me who does it with all the volume I can muster. I saw him as wrestling's Johnny Cash, the man in black, someone who said very little but still kicked ass. Like Steve Blackman but with charisma. Gangsta' Eric was a MAJOR player, too. He was based on my own adopted cousin who is currently doing time for a drive-by, a real "gansta" in all aspects. He lost a Soul Match on January 3rd, 1999 and was force to join the U.H.O. but, in an unprecidented move, he won his soul back later that August. Gangsta' Eric also gave birth to one of the COOLEST GVWA characters ever ...


True story ... one holiday all of the cousins were at our grandmother's house in Douglas, Arizona sleeping on the floor of one small room like good little mexicans. Eric was about four or five years old at the time ... and while everybody was sleeping, one of Eric's cousins (absolutely NOT me, although I Do know who did it ...) stole his beloved sock puppet doll, which he named Snuffy, who he used to take with him EVERYWHERE ... while Eric was sleeping, one of his cousins "got rid" of it. Eric wakes up and finds Snuffy missing and, man, did he ever he cry and cry and cry and cry. I've never seen so much crying. And he never found out what happened to his beloved Snuffy. Poor Eric. So I decided to create Snuffy as an Undertaker-like monster wrestler, back from the dead and seeking vengance for being destroyed oh so many years ago. He had on an awesome looking mask like Kane and he was all brown with stripes just like I remember Snuffy being. He was an unstoppable monster, constantly in search of the person who "got rid" of him. And he never did.

TOM (Bald/With Hair)

Tom Wegner and I were inseperable in high school and college. Then he up and moved to Seattle and I up and moved to California. We were the best of friend but as we got older we grew apart for various personal reasons, whatever they may be. I always marked the change from bestest friends to casual drinking buddies to when Tom decided that he wanted to shave his head. So the GVWA had Bald Tom and Tom With Hair. Bald Tom was the Lex Luthor-looking bad guy and Tom With Hair was the good looking babyface who would fight along with Reverend Steve as part of the Woodites. At the last GVWA event at the end of 1999, a shocking plot line occured when longtime Reverend Steve tag team partner The Ass Kicker was unmasked in a match against former family dog Dude and was revealed to be none other than Tom With Hair. I imagined that this would have gone on to be a major plot line for months afterwards but the GVWA ended right after that. I don't talk to Tom anymore. It's been about a year or two since we've spoken. So with the rebirth of the GVWA I decided to make a fake rival wrestling company called the TWWF, the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation. Expect this feud to grow and grow in the coming months. I'm hoping that fake Tom Wegner and I can reach a monday night wars level of feud with the GVWA and the TWWF.


The GVWA is my own personal way to create new, funny, awesome wrestling in a world where nobody cares about wrestling anymore. It's gotten boring to watch Triple H and Ric Flair and Bradshaw, so why not watch Choir Boy and Satan instead? And as long as the world of professional wrestling remainds dormant ... and as long as I still have free time ... the GVWA will continue to expant the bounds of imagination.

Hopefully ...

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Brand NEW GVWA ads - wave two ...

... here they are, the second wave of professional looking high quality ads for the GVWA. These ones are even better and cooler than the last wave, but stay tuned because they only get better from here. Anything I can do to spread the word about the GVWA (and to stop stressing out about going back to work). Click on them for full size, right click and save them. Feel free to use them anywhere and anyway you can to help promote the GVWA!

And STAY TUNED for more ads and more GVWA madness ...

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Uncyclopedia and a Rapist ...

... first off, here's a link to the listing of myself and my religion on ... it's good, lighthearted, positive, and it really does a killer job of summarizes myself and my religion.

Secondly ... I created something this morning. It's either the funniest thing I've ever created ... or a surefire sign that I'm going straight to hell. It's the original sound file of what Swiper the Fox was ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO BE on Dora the Explorer. Listen to it. It's pretty evil.

Brand new GVWA ads - wave one...

... here it is, wave one of a projected 12 wave series of nice looking ads for the GVWA that promote individual wrestlers. I am hoping that, when we are done, we will have one of these nice little ads for each and every wrestler. Click on them for full size, right click them, save them, and feel free to use them anywhere and anyway you can to help promote the GVWA!

And STAY TUNED for more ads ...

Rockin' it alphabetically ...

... that's what my fam and I have been doing lately, rockin' my iPod shuffle alphabetically, and it's awesome. It takes about four or five days to get through all 309 songs, all 16.8 hours, but it's something challenging and fun that Natasha and I can get really into. We start off usually some early morning listening to the last song on my iPod ... Wyclef Jean doing a kick ass job rap-singing "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. From there, we set it on alphabetical and let the iPod reset itself to the first song, "Baudelaire" by ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead who have the first major collection of four or more songs and the last major one until you get down to the Beatles.

This morning, however, I am rockin' it alphabetically in the kitchen while making pancakes for my daughter Emerald while my other daughter Isabela sleeps in my bed with my wife Natasha. The song that's currently playing is "Crowning of a Heart" and it's the perfect match to my mood, wired and tired and lazy and happy and sad and frightened and excited and nervous and horny and hungry and proud, all rolled up in a little ball of sunday morning. Now it's "Summer of '91" which I believe is about how your memories of the past aren't correct, that the past was never as happy as you remember it to be. That's something I personally need to keep reminding myself.

How did my life change so fast? How, in three short years, did I go from drunk little depression machine wasting away at the dirt bar to happily married with two kids? I have no idea how it happened but it did and I look at the pictures on my laptop now and it's like I'm having an out of body experience wondering how I got into those photos. I have no idea how it happened that I would find a woman and make her my wife. But I'm glad it happened. More than glad. Eternally grateful, actually, that a woman, ANY woman, would find me so less annoying that they wouldn't mind spending the rest of their lives with me.

AFI is next, followed by the Alice in Chains song from "Clerks." I'm not a major fan of AFI. In fact, I don't even think I'd classify myself as a fan. But this album and this music is the music that would serenade Natasha and myself when we first met, staying up until two or three in the morning just sitting in her car and listening to AFI and Bill Hicks and Tenacious D. Just sitting and talking and confessing and unknowingly forming a love that would last forever (and doing a little flip flip hoopety hop, but that's a secret ...) So because of that AFI has a coveted few spots on my playlist. It brings me back to spring oh-three doing bad things in the parking lot of work. And falling in love.

Emerald is sitting across from me on the breakfast table. She is eating the pancakes I made her. I know how to make pancakes. In fact, while I was making them Emerald told me that I made the best pancakes in the world. I feel a strange surge of pride from that. My sleeping schedule has been thrown out of whack. Again. I'm going to sleep between one and three am and waking up between eight and nine every morning. The morning parts, however, I wouldn't trade for the world. Emerald wakes me up every morning and I make her breakfast and watch cartoons with her and play with her. It's great, spending these mornings with Emerald and spending these evenings with Natasha..

I feel like the luckiest man in the world. It's awesome.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Random Hospital Story # 3 ...

Isabela being sent to the far off neonatal intensive care unit less than 12 hours after she was born, that broke our hearts and sent us both into the deepest pits of sadness and depression. We were quiet, sad, crying, moody, and both complete wrecks, the both of us, for all of about a day. After that Natasha decided to come back from the c-section in record time, allowing us to go and see her. And little Isabela, whom we haven't even kissed or held or fed and who we barely touched, made it HER mission to get better in record time just like her mommy so that we could do all those things. And she did just that. Every day we'd arrive bright and early to the Nick-You and they'd tell us something better ... THIS tube was out, THIS was brought down, she stopped doing THIS and she's not even needing THAT anymore. It was awesome to see her transform from the baby in the airtent to the baby that had her huge eyes open and was crying and squeaking and dancing. It was amazing.

One day, probably four or five days after she was born, we were told that she was doing so good that it was only going to be a few more days and she would be able to go home. Then she told us that if we wanted we could hold her today. Natasha looked at me in silence and I said that it was all her, that she should be the first one who gets to hold her. She tried to contain her happiness and her tears but if you can read Natasha like I can then you knew that deep inside she was crying like crazy.

And here's the strange thing about the first time Natasha held her ... before, when they told us we would be able to hold her, I walked back to our wheelchair and our backpack so that I could get the camera and take pictures. As I walked through the Nick-You I heard the most beautiful music coming from the first ward. The first ward was filled with preemies and other worse off babies. When you get your orientation, they tell you not to look or take pictures of any of the other babies. Of course you can't help looking at and getting to know the babies around you, but still every time I walked past the first ward I acted very Soup Nazi, head down, expressionless, not looking directly into anybody's eyes. So I didn't see what was going on in the first ward. I just knew that the most beautiful music was coming out of there. I figured they'd just brought in a CD player or something and just blocked it out of my memory.

Five or so minutes later, Natasha sat down in one of their rocking chairs and got handed the baby, the first time that either one of us held our new baby ... and then the harpist came in from the first ward, the unexpected answer to where the beautiful music was coming from. And she set herself up right behind Natasha and started playing the most beautiful music, the most beautiful song ever, the "Natasha Holding the Baby" song, a song that was only ever played once and will never be played again. I cried. I openly wept. How many people can say that they held their baby for the first time while being accompanied by a harpist?

And we've got the picture to prove it ...

A harpist. An Irish harpist. That is so awesome.

Friday, October 21, 2005


... I have to keep reminding myself that. I am on family leave. I am away on family leave. I am spending some well deserved time off with my family, my new month old daughter Isabela and my gorgeous three-year-old daughter Emerald and my incredibly amazing wife Natasha. I am drinking coffee and listening to Jim's Big Ego and The Format and watching my wife play Super Mario Sunshine and TRYING VERY HARD not to think about work, about managers, about store openings and closings, about whether or not I should try to become a manager, and about what tiny little penises in suits are doing to the children's section, to MY children's section, to the only section in that tiny little store that's making ANY fucking money. Why is the most successful section in the store, successful because of MY leadership, being punished?

I have the buffalo stampede in my stomach right now, the buffalo stampede from the movie Glen or Glenda when Glen's fiance asks him if he's seeing another woman, that nervousness, that feeling inside the pit of your insides where it feels like there's a herd of buffalos stampeding through your intestines. That's the feeling I have right now, that and li'l Petey is a walking foreskin, a small body wrapped around in a massive suit like a small dick in a Burlington Coat Factory "Little Businessman Dress-Up Playset" foreskin, the dumb little yuppie shithead. That's how I feel right now.

I'm trying not to think about what's going on over there. If I think about it too much I'll probably get really upset and break out in hives or cry or something like that. The last thing I want to do is get caught up in bullshit work drama while I'm away on family leave. I have to keep reminding myself that, too ... I am on family leave, I am on family leave, I am away on family leave. No work. No working. No thinking about work. No thoughts about work. No worrying and obsessing and stressing about what's going on at work, especially when you're not even working. I have to remind myself of this. It's pathetic that I have to remind myself of this.

Beyond that, beyond being screwed over at work when I'm not even working ... my father came in today. He was here for only one day. He called me at around noon and said that he wanted to come over and have lunch with me and see the baby and blah blah blah ... he ditched me. He was too busy buying my brother a birthday present to come and see me and my new baby. And I haven't eaten in about 35 hours, so I'm fucking starving and angry about work and now to top all that I feel like my family just ditched me again.

I am NOT having a good day. Goddamnit, I'm so upset I think I might join the B.S.O.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

GVWA Deviance - Jeff Buckley Cock Ring Warehouse

(a blank screen for four seconds, then a shot of a packed audience screaming, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Plan 9" by Crutial Head)

"Hello and welcome to the Jeff Buckley Cock Ring Warehouse located in the middle of beautiful downtown Hayward, Wisconsin and we are here fictitiously LIVE for another rousingly implausible episode GVWA Deviance, the world's premiere weekly fake wrestling show ... and believe me when I say that you are in for an incredibly exciting night of imaginary semi-offensive professional wrestling.

Well, this massive six story cock ring warehouse is abuzz with tension seeing as how we are on the ROAD to HERPES ... Halloween Herpes, that is, our next pay-per-view, and this being our last episode of Deviance before the pay-per-view there are a lot of unanswered tonight. First off, can Jesse and Lance of the Book Seller Order succeed in taking back their tag titles ... and just WHO is the apparent "real" leader of the B.S.O.? Also, Tim Burton continues his search tonight for the person responsible for attacking his tag partner Johnny Depp three weeks ago. He is on his third suspet tonight. Will tonight be the night he finds out the truth? Also, who will walk out of Hayward, Wisconsin the GVWA Savior Champion as new champion and U.H.O. Universal Hell Order member That One Dead Guy From Sublime defends his title against Andy Kaufman? Can The Guy From Sublime hang on to his title?

And the BIG question in everyone's mind tonight ... what is the big announcement that our new general manager Albert B Fall, the secretary of the interior from the Harding presidency that was responsible for the infamous Teapot Dome scandal, has regarding the main event at Halloween Herpes? He has promised us that, whatever his announcement is, it will shake the GVWA to its very core! What does Fall have in store for us tonight?

Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this yakkin' and go straight to our first match of the evening, a hardcore match between ..."

(Then, out of nowhere, which is a phrase used A LOT in professional wrestling, the lights in the arena went out ... the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, the only U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office Albert B. Fall marched into the ring.)

Albert B. Fall walked into the middle of the ring, grabbed a microphone, and DEMANDED that God come out to face him. Albert had some questions to ask God and he would answer them and answer them truthfully, otherwise Albert would FIRE God on the spot! Albert waited a few seconds and then angelic music began playing and God, former GVWA champion, walked down the ramp and into the ring, going nose to nose with the G.M.. Fall then demanded to know why he allowed "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski to beat him and win a shot at the GVWA championship last week in the big "Four Way/First Blood Ellimination" main event. God grabbed the mic, paused for a little bit, and then said that he had some longstanding overdue beef against his old friend Satan ... and that he still had some unfinished business with former champion and television horror host Mr. Lobo ... but that Greg Kaczynski was innocent. He had nothing against Greg. Fall then asked why he didn't want to win the match, to which god said that he had no further need for the GVWA championship. What he really wanted, though, was ... a shot at his son, Jesus, who has been avoiding fighting his father since the federation started back up in July. All God had wanted was to get his hands around his son's neck and beat some sense into him but every chance he's gotten, Jesus has found some way to weasle his way out of the match and God was sick of it. So God got on his knees and BEGGED Fall for a match, God versus Jesus, one on one, with no way for Jesus to escape out of the match. Fall though it over ... and agreed, that at GVWA Halloween herpes, which will be on Sunday October 30th, it would be Jesus versus God ... and if Jesus were to quit, forfeit, or ctry to get a substitute, he would be FIRED! God stood back up, shook Fall's hand, and walked back to the backstage area. Fall then said that he would be here all night making matches for the pay-per-view, then said that sometime before the end of the night, that he would make his MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT regarding the main event Marisa versus Greg match for the GVWA championship, an announcement that would SHAKE the GVWA to its very core. And with that, his music began playing and he walked away.

(A shot backstage, as the entire B.S.O. still seems to be celebrating "Angry" Marisa's GVWA championship victory from two weeks ago. The entire Book Seller Order is at a smokey little dirtbar drinking and smoking and singing kareoke. Marisa is drinking a Long Island Iced Tea and singing "Son of a Preacher Man" as Lance, "Pimpin" Jesse Cee, "Intense" Ian McEwan and "Mean" Michael Burns looks on and applaud. Jesse and Lance then say that the B.S.O. will continue their winning streak tonight when they take back their tag titles from Jack White and Michael Jackson ... and that Marisa will keep her championship title at Halloween Herpes with help from their "real" leader ... what could that mean? Who is the real leader of the B.S.O.? )


Tim Burton VS 3rd Suspect (?)

Director Tim Burton, who has been conduction an investigation into who attacked his tag team partner Johnny Depp three weeks ago, walks into the ring and grabs a microphone. He says that after tonight he has only two more suspects left ... and that after he finishes with suspect #3 tonight, he will go on to face BOTH of the remaining suspects in a handicapped match at GVWA Halloween Herpes! But before that, he had to "elliminate" his third suspect. And with that, out came suspect #3 ... deceased schizophrenic musician WESLEY WILLIS! As the bell rang, Tin attacked with his newfound intensity but found himself charging a brick wall which was the massive Willis. The hefty skitzo dominated the wiry director with bodyslams, fireman carried, arm bars, and fierce low blows. Burton tried in vain to counter but he found himself unable to lift Willis' massive frame. This was not just a decisive win. This was a slaughter, the childlike Willis slamming and tossing Burton like a toy, eventually landing his finishing move, the "Rock Over London" right on the concrete floor, gaining an easy pin. Afterwards, a medical team had to escort Burton out of the arena. Willis has an impressive victory but will Tim Burton be able to continue his investigation next week at Halloween Herpes?


WINNER: Wesley Willis


Dirty Sanchez VS White Businessman

"This match is a joke! I was the biggest name in the TWWF, the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation, and now I'm wrestling scrubs for their first matches? Thiss is crap!" Sanchez says in the ring with his new partner Mr. T.C. by his side. "Everyone knows that me and Mr. Throat Cancer here are the newest and most dominant tag team that the GVWA has ever seen! We want a title shot! We want the tag belts! We want ..." and with that the lights in the arena went out ... the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, the only U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office Albert B. Fall marched into the ring. He said that Sanchez was right, that they SHOULD get a chance at the titles ... and they WOULD! He then announced an eight-team tag team tournament to prove the undisputed tag team champions ... and team number one would be Dirty Sanchez and Mr. T.C.. Sanchez then started talking about how they were destines to win but was inturrupted by White Businessman, who attacked Sanchez from behind with his cell phone, starting the match. White Businessman, wearing a snappy jet black business suit and a phantom-like mask covering his entire face, countered Sanchez's fast arial style of kicks and jumps with his own rough street style of fighting, catching Sanchez off guard. Looking for another way to win, Sanchez started landing submission move after submission move, hoping to weaken Businessman's legs with ankle locks and figure four leg locks. But Businessman, in an impressive display, wasn't having any of that, breaking free of every submission move Ssanchez landed. Eventually, a weary Dirty Sanchez tapped out to a submission choke called "The Board Meeting." With a major loss so close to Halloween Herpes, what are Sanchez and Mr Throat Cancer's chances now at winning the tag titles?


WINNER: White Businessman

("Double D" Deinna Disaster tracks down Albert B. Fall backstage and DEMANDS a rematch against "Sexy Ass Wife" Natasha NEXT! Fall thinks about it and then makes another Herpes match ... Deinna versus Natasha at Halloween Herpes ... in a STEEL CAGE MATCH! Deinna says that's great but she still wants Natasha tonight. Fall then says "Well, last week you guys had a parking lot match, one of the most brutal matches in Deviance history ... so ... how about ... a BARROOM BRAWL! Next!")


"Double D" Deinna Disaster VS "Sexy Ass Wife" Natasha Galindo

Natasha walked up to the doors of The Dirt Bar, a tiny little bar located in the lobby of the Jeff Buckley Cock Ring Warehouse, and found Deinna waiting for her in front of the doors. The two immediately went toe-to-toe, staring each other down. Natasha said that even though she's still injured from being run over by Betty Page during last week's match, she'd still be happy to kick Deinna's little brat ass. Deinna then told natasha to just bring it, then Natasha laughed at her for using such a stupid movie reference. But the two of them were both in for a shock, for when they pushed open the doors of the bar they found themselves face to face with ... "Intense" Ian McEwan, "Mean" Michael Burns and new GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa of the Book Seller Order! At first, Natasha and Deinna raise their fists, ready to fight the B.S.O., but Marisa assures them that they aren't there to start trouble or interfere in what she called their "stupid little match" ... she assured them that they were there for one reason, to get wasted. With that, the B.S.O. take seats in the back of the bar and both women look at each other and start fighting, starting the match. Deinna quickly attacked Natasha with brute force and wild punches, so Natasha tried to counter with punches, reversals, and leg-based submission moves. But Deinna quickly gained an upper hand against the tired, injured Natasha Galindo. Natasha tried to fight back by using every inch of the tily little dirt bar as a weapon, using beer bottles, ashtrays, bar stools and even the dart board against Deinna, but with a tenacity that I haven't seen in a long time, Deinna just kept getting back on her feet for more. As the seven minute mark arrived, both women were bloody and bruised, Natasha looking like she would pass out at any minute and Double D finally starting to look weary. Then, out of NOWHERE, which is a phrase used A LOT in professional wrestling write-ups like this one, in came Natasha's daughter EMERALD GALINDO, who was last seen being injured by Deinna at our last pay-per-view! With Emerald's help, Natasha looked like she was going to win this match ... then, out of NOWHERE once more, in came THE CHOIR BOY to help Deinna, which caused the entire B.S.O. to stand up and take notice. So as Choir Boy, Emerald, Natasha and Deinna fought against one another, Natasha grabbed Deinna and signalled for her "Sexy Ass Wife" finishing move, but Choir Boy landed a low blow on Natasha, then threw Natasha onto a pool table. Double D then climbed onto the table and landed her finishing move, "The Measles," onto Natasha., slamming her through the table, then landing a pin. Deinna, victorious, ran out of the bar. Choir Boy walked right up to the B.S.O., going nose-to-nose with them before walking out behind Deinna?


WINNER: "Double D" Deinna Disaster


"Champion" The Dead Guy From Sublime VS Andy Kaufman

New champion That One Guy Who Hella Died From That Sublime Band came down to the ring accompanied by fellow Universal hell Order members Satan and Bill Hicks. But as they entered the ring, That Dead Sublime Guy said to his U.H.O. teammates that he wanted Kaufman all to himself and sent the others backstage. As the bell rang, these two deceased gladiators went at it, fighting with an intensity never before seen in the ostentatious O.D.-ed grunge musician and the somewhat annoying possibly jewish comedian. This was an intense match, both wrestkers quickly reversing each other's moves, neither one showing any weakness or any sign of backing down. Then, in an act of frustration, Kaufman threw Dead Guy From Sublime out of the ring where he managed to slow his opponent's momentum down. Returning back into the ring, Andy signalled for his "I'm From Hollywood" finisher when suddenly old friend turned rival DAVID LETTERMAN ran into the ring and piledrived Kaufman, injuring his neck ALL OVER AGAIN, allowing That Guy From Sublime to land his finishing move, "That One Sublime Song," and gaining an easy pin. That One Dude From Sublime celebrated his win ... and with that the lights in the arena went out ... the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, the only U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office Albert B. Fall marched into the ring. He said that first off, next week there would be a fatal four wat ellimination match for a shot at the Savior championship. Then he turned and faced Kaufman, saying that he would be facing David Letterman at Halloween Herpes ... in a LADDER MATCH!


WINNER: That One Guy From Sublime

"WOW, what an incredible night so far ... and what an incredible night it will be on Sunday, October 30th, 2005 when GVWA Halloween Herpes will come to you live on pay-per-view from Mother Theresa's rotting corpse in beautiful downtown El Centro, California ... so that will be NEXT SUNDAY fictitiously live. Next thursday, in lieu of Deviance, we will be bringing you a very special historical retrospective of the GVWA, taking a look back to the early beginnings of the federation in 1998 and how it has transformed into the mammoth fictional juggernaut it is today. So join us next week for "GVWA: A Look Back" and Halloween Herpes 2005!"


Eddie Izzard VS Jesus Christ (of "the Catholics") VS Chuck Klosterman

Jesus walked to the ring accompanied by his fellow "Catholic" members The Choir Boy and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski. Jesus walked into the ring, grabbed the mic, and said that their organization will soon be growing, that a new, powerful member will be joining their organization next week at Halloween Herpes, and that it is such a big name that everyone everywhere is going to be absolutely stunned. Chuck Klosterman walked into the ring next, followed by Eddie Izzard who will be facing transvestite and Women's champion Ed Wood at Halloween Herpes. Then the special guest referee walked down the ramp into the ring. Klosterman and Christ smiled but Izzard didn't ... and that's because the special guest ref was none other that ... ED WOOD! As the bell rang, a silent pack seemed to have been made as Jesus and New York Times bestselling music author Chuck Klosterman started double teaming Izzard. This went on for quite some time until it seemed that Izzard might even have been injured after a massive "Body of Christ" bodyslam. But then, Chuck saw his opportunity to win and turned on Jesus, kicking him in the crotch and landing his "Fargo Rock City" finishing move. But as Chuck attacked Jesus, transvestite british stand up comedian Izzard rolled out of the ring, grabbed a steel chair, and ran back into the ring, laying waste to both men. It was then that Ed Wood decided to step in, grabbing the chair from Eddie Izzard ... and then NAILING him with it, cutting Izzard open and sending him straight to the canvas. A weary Klosterman then crawled onto Izzard for the count and Wood gave him a very quick three. Klosterman manages to squeeze out an impressive win. Now, all that's left is for Ed to face Eddie for the Women's title!


WINNER: Chuck Klosterman




"CHAMPIONS" Michael Jackson & Jack White "Two Jax" VS "Pimpin" Jesse Cee & "Pre-Nikara" Lance "The B.S.O."

The lights went out in the arena, pyrotechnics flashed in the darkness, and out came the entire the Book Seller Order ... Jesse, Lance, Ian McEwan, Michael Burns and new GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa. They all walked into the ring and Jesse grabbed a mic. Jesse then said that he PROMISES that the B.S.O. will win back the tag team championship ... and that the REAL leader of the B.S.O. will make himself finally be known at Halloween Herpes. He then started saying something about his "good friend" Reverend Steve but he was inturruped by the loud, thunderous riff on the song "Blue Orchid" by the White Stripes, signalling the arrival of "The Two Jax," Jack White and Michael Jackson, the NEW GVWA tag team champions, who were met by a thunderous round of applause! White Stripes frontman Jack White grabbed the mic from Jesse and said that he was sick and tired of the B.S.O. acting like bullies, throwing their weight around, trying to take over the GVWA. He then said that somebody ought to stop them from being the wolf pack of fake professional wrestling.

Just then the lights in the arena went out, his theme music began playing, and as the lights came back up, the only U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office Mr. Albert B. Fall marched into the ring. He said that he had two pieces of business, the first of which was that the B.S.O. was banned from ringside for this main event match, which caused the Book Seller Order to start screaming in rage, refusing to leave. Just then, four armed guards came into the ring to escort them out, must to their dismay. Then, with that done, Fall decided that it was time to announce the BIG NEWS regarding the main event at GVWA Halloween Herpes ... the main event, the GVWA championship match between champion "Angry" Marisa and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski ... would now be a TRIPLE THREAT match between Marisa, Greg ... and the man who HELPED Marisa get her title, Universal Hell Order leader and dark prince of the underworld Satan! With that, Fall left and the big tag team title match got underway.

The Book Seller Order were able to gain an early lead in this match, cornering White in their corner and quickly slowing him down with kicks and chokes. Lance then landed a Book Seller Splash which led to a very close two count. The pummeling of White continued until the six minute mark, when he somehow managed to escape, finally making the tag to Jackson, who ran in and just started angrily, blindly punching everything and everyone he could see. When the smoke settled, Jackson focused his attack on Jesse's arms and legs, trying to weaken him for a submission win. Then, a tag to angry pre-child Lance led to all four combatants running in and attacking each other, causing complete and total anarchy in the ring. In the fracas, Jack White threw Jesse out of the ring and onto the Iranian announce table, where he landed his fierce "Hotel Yorba Check Out," sending Jesse head first through the unforgiving table. Lance tried to help Jesse but got caught in a clothesline from hell for his worries, injuring his neck. After that, it was downhill for the now injured B.S.O. who were now no match for the fierce tag champions. Jesse managed to tag back Lance at the twelve minute mark, but Lance wasn't too much of a help, getting caught in another "Hotel Yorba Check Out," which led to a three count. The B.S.O. are roundly defeated in an impressive display of strength and strategy.


WINNER: "Two Jax" Jack White & Michael Jackson

(After the match, Jack White grabbed the mic and said that it was high time that the B.S.O. were taught a lesson and that at Halloween Herpes after him and Michael Jackson keep their tag titles in the eight-team tag tournament, he intended to teach the B.S.O. a lesson they wouldn't soon forget! Then, out of nowhere, Mr. Lobo and Criswell, one of the eight teams, ran into the ring and attacked White and Jackson. Then Adolph Hitler and Charles Manson, another team, ran in and started attacking everyone else, followed by the team of Bill Hicks and The Guy From Sublime from the U.H.O. ... and in all this madness of violence, the camera fades to black, ending another episode of GVWA Deviance ... )

My corner of the sky ...

Back in my high school days, I was a major theater fag.

Looking back, it seemed like three lifetimes ago, me and tom Wegner and Joey Karas and Big Daif and Telle Jarboe and Michelle and Kevin Williams and Jamie Wedow and John-O. That was our click, our crew, our small little band of lost souls banding together for safety through the rapids of high school. We were the best of friends and now, ten years later, I hardly talk to any of them. But that doesn't mean that they're not in my heart and in my dreams every night, dreams of back in the days when we ruled that high school simply because we didn't give a shit about how anybody else saw us, the ultimate pride in ourselves, pride in who we are, the eventual basis of Woodism which started in the dark, dank, navy blue halls of Deer Valley High School, a school nobody cares about in a suburb that nobody remembers.

I was a theater geek, a theater fag for those who don't have a knee-jerk reaction to someone using the word "fag" in a negative sense. I loved theater. I loved being on a stage and being my own silly, stupid ass self and gaining applause from it. I loved being the center of attention. I loved the thrill, the rush of the stage, being something, being SOMEONE, being on that stage that gave me life. This was before I realized that I hated actors, all actors, 95% of which are self-centered pricks, before I decided to unofficially give up on all my dreams of the stage, dreams of the spotlight, dreams of all those plays that I secretly kept in my top secret dream list of plays that, before I die, I wish I will be cast in. My dream parts.

And on that list, ten long years ago, was the musical "Pippin."

You got a problem with that?

Now, ten years later, I live in a different state with a different family and a different life. I work as the manager of the children's department of a bookstore, a job I excell at due to my becoming a dad to a wonderful daughter named Emerald and, later on, becoming a father to a one month old named Isabela. I sometimes will be in the kitchen eating eggs or drinking coffee and I'll have an out of body experience and look at my present self and wonder with awe what happened to the idealistic young boy who loved cartoons and Snapple and theater. He;s long gone now, replaced with this innocent yet asshole-ish young man, a man now, who finds himself worried about bills and work and deadlines and other pointless shit like that. I know now that it was the dreams that mattered, the dreams I've long since forgotten about, that make up the core, the essence of a life. The dreams I had forgotten about, those are the dreams that mattered.

Yesterday, at around midnight, I decided to resurrect those dreams long since forgotten. Dying dreams are frightening things to resurrect, but I resurrected them. I gave them another chance, a rarity in a world obsessed with cell phones and cars and looking good for other people. So, in the middle of the dirtbar, the most redneck dive in all of Sacramento, California, I sang the one song from the one play that I always dreamed of being in.

I sang "Corner of the Sky" from the musical Pippin. And nobody cared, not the drunk rednecks that populated the bar, not the strangers whose faces I'd never seen, not even my own brother, not even the people that I went with. Nobody really seemed to care. My wife seemed to care. I would occasionally see her eyes, see her smile. She knew how much the song meant to me. But she was also upset and distracted. She was somewhere else.

But I cared. I cared about the dream and I didn't let it die. I was my only real audience member and in the end, that's the only audience member that matters. I kept the dream alive, acted out my fantasy, lived my long lost dream, a dream that I've secretly kept hidden inside myself for well over ten years now, a dream that one day I will be on stage singing "Corner of the Sky" to an audience. That was it. My dream. I took my long gone dream back the dead dream, the dream that society robbed from me, and I made it live again. I got up and had the courage and sang that song and lived out my innermost dream.

And you can, too. You just have to hang on to your dreams, water them, feed them, make them survive. And eventually one day you, too, will be on that stage in the center of the spotlight living your dream.

(WRITER'S NOTE: this piece was written at two in the morning under the influence of five beers. Despite the buzz, I still feel that the message of this piece remains clear. Thank you. Stay tuned for GVWA Deviance later today ...)