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Monday, April 3, 2006

Horrible YouTube Home Movies: Part I ...

... it's one in the morning as I write this. I think. You goddamn heathen Californianites and your pointless fucking time changes, man. Jesus. In Arizona we don't do the whole time change thing. Nope. We all ride gila monsters and we eat cacti and we spit in spitoons and we watch Wallace and Ladmo and we sure as hell don't have NO time change because it's absolutely fucking pointless. So I'm all fucked up by the "spring upwards/fall sideways" thing that everyone has memorized by now except for the 'zona boys like me.

Anyways, it's almost one and I'm listening to some awesome hip hop music (Talib Kweli , Grand Buffet, Beastie Boys, Ghostface, a shitload of MF Doom, MC Lars, Rhymefest and some awesome tracks from the new Sergio Mendes album) and drinking. There is presently a pint of Labatt Blue in front of me (God, Canadians have really smooth beer ... in contrast, Irish have burnt toast beer and Mexicans have pee mixed with acid-flavored beer) and I'm making a conscious effort NOT to innundate this blog with obscure video after obscure video from YouTube. I could so easily blanket this blog with funny and frightening but pointless shit from YouTube ... but, deep breath, slow and steady wins the race and whatnot. Keeping my cool and doing a fairly good job of it, all things considered.

But you guys gotta meet Chit.

So basically, the only thing that my wife and I did last night (Sat. night) was rumage through pointless shit on YouTube, making fun of people. And oh my Wood we had a fucking blast! Did you know that there are over 850 videos on YouTube that are somehow about Disneyland? That's insaine, if you ask me. And, seeing as this is fuckin' YouTube we're talking about here, the majority of the videos are 15-year-old Hot Topic bitches being silly in line somewhere. Annoying as hell. But, if you really wade through all the stupid pointless shit, sometimes you can find some really priceless little gems, a few of which I will be sharing with you now ...

You see, I was watching my favorite episode of MST3K when all of a sudden I thought that maybe I could find some video of an entire ride of Pirates or the Haunted Mansion on YouTube. So I typed "Disneyland" and suddenly found myself swimming though an endless ocean of crap. But, as I said, occasionally you get some really awesome pointless crap.

Like the next video. It's from the seventies or eighties, I think. Here's what the poster had to say about it: "I think i am 3 in this video...we are in the disneyland hotel and my dad is recording stuff out the window and you can hear me in the background complaining about some key that i want....and then i say...'Mommy where's my juuuuice!' lol" Ok, I hate people who type lol, but I have to agree. This bratty little shitface kid is so bratty that you can tell that he re-e-eally wants that damn cookie, although my wife thinks he's really saying 'key as in cookie. And that builds up so much that when he finally gets to sing-asking for the "ju-u-U-u-u-uice" it's damn funny.

Here it is ...

Ok, here's the problem with YouTube ... there's a video on it that is called "riding dumbo at disneyland." The description is as follows: "me and my best friend jess riding the dumbo ride at disneyland." And yet, if you click on it, you are told that the following video may contain scenes that are inappropriate for some users, as flagged by YouTube's user community. What? It's called Riding Dumbo! I'm pretty damn sure it doesn't mean SEXUALLY "riding" Dumbo, you dumb douchebags!

Here's an accidentally captured video, this one of a hideously obese overweight chick doing donuts on her wheelchair and chasing kids in New Orleans Square. I like this one ...

That brings us to Coleridge.

Fucking Coleridge. God I fucking hate Coleridge.

He is a shitty little kid, he looks like he wears lipstick, his dad is obviously flame on gay, and they both are the epitome of dirty soulless yuppie fucking scum. Their video "The Happiest Boy on Earth," is so hideously hilarious. I thought that, being a new father, that I would somehow find myself to be overly sensitive to stupid crap like this ... but I am glad to say that, no, I have somehow managed to remain a complete asshole, being just asshole enough to say that the following video complete sucks upper class white yuppie ass.

Why, you might ask if you actually cared? Well, for starters, the opening credits (and it says a lot that it even HAS opening credits) says that it is so completely obvious that daddy Coleridge has a Mac. Secondly, his use of shitty white people music during the video makes you want to just rip your fucking ears off and feed them to that yuppie bitch smile child Coleridge.

And the worst part ...

... the end of the video actually, honestly, LITERALLY has a small cameo of COLERIDGE'S PENIS!!!


So, if you chose NOT to see this one, then that's absolutely fine. I'll understand. But here it is ...

Coleridge is such a fucking douchebag.

And so that finally brings us to Chit.

Cool Chit. Bad ass Chit. Tired Chit.

Out of all the hundreds of shitty Disneyland kids on YouTube, he's my favorite. He's so awesome, I want a Chit shirt.

This video is set in Hong Kong Disneyland, which I imagine is just like the American Disneyland but you can only see about 40% of it. Chit, the young, droopy eyes, slightly bald, big headed Asian child star of this movie, has been brought to Hong Kong Disneyland by his parents. That's the setup. Everyone understand the setup? Good!

There was a video BEFORE the one you are about to see, a Chit prequel if you will, which, a racist's dream, was called "He love Disney so much" which is vaguely similar to ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US but I digress. The first video was boring. I just wasn't feeling it or Chit or the entire situation. The characters of that film weren't fully defined yet. I give it two thumbs down.

And then I saw this amazing, incredible, award willing-this can lick Crash's ass-video, this Chit-as-tortured-hero video which was simply called "Chit in Disneyland" and suddenly I was in absolute LOVE with Chit. The video you are about to see has the following tag line: "After over 10 hours playing in Disneyland, he're very tired & going to sleep.... "

It was this, the seuqel, that made me fall in love with Chit. Watch and enjoy ...

Aren't Chit's parents, his mom and some other bitch, just totally fucking TORTURING him? Seriously! That is just messed up, man. I mean, shit, the kid's like six years old. Let the chink sleep. Shit! Dumb bitches. But then the shitty goatee-ed dad comes in at the end and saves the day. Hell yeah! You go, crappy goatee dad. Save Chit from the Chinese torture harpees.

God-motherfuckingJesusanalrape-Christ, I love Chit. Seriously. I'm pro-Chit and you should, too. He's a modern day Jesus. He's a hero for our modern day trials and tribulations. He's a modern day god.

Besides, how do you think Chit's Asian parents pronounce his name?

Just a thought.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Coleridge (COLERIDGE?!!) looks like Bjork.