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Friday, May 19, 2006

Shirley Temple Will Kill You (and proof that Arkansas sucks ass)...

Twentieth Century Fox is recalling some 750,000+ Shirley Temple DVDs because they contain these cute little charm bracelets that just so happens to contain large amounts of lead.

And I do believe that I am an asshole for finding that funny. Shirley Temple, once America's childhood sweetheart, now a harbinger of poisonous death. That's just hilarious to me.

Jesse once told me that my road to hell was going to be paved with teddy bears. I have never has someone explain my damnation so perfectly.

Speaking of damnation, here is a story that just broke on the Associated Press newswire that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that people from Arkansas are fucking idiots ...

Associated Press
May. 18, 2006 07:15 AM

BENTONVILLE, Ark. - A Wal-Mart clerk noticed something familiar when a customer went through the checkout line - a credit card from her own wallet, which had been stolen two days earlier, police said.

Ashley Dawn Dover repeatedly tried to pass a credit card through an electronic scanner at the store Tuesday to pay for $120 worth of merchandise, Police Chief James Allen said Wednesday.

Allen said the clerk then offered to try the card and noticed it was her own.

"The clerk looks up at her and says 'This is my stuff and I want it back,' " Allen said. "The suspect reaches in her purse, hands everything over and then runs out the door."

The credit card was stolen from the cashier's car, one of two vehicles broken into at Wal-Mart on Sunday. A camera, CDs and a purse were taken from the cashier's vehicle.

Allen said Dover is accused of using the clerk's checks and credit cards at several different locations in Bentonville and Rogers before police heard the report from the Wal-Mart checkout clerk.

Dover, 20, was arrested as she drove away from the store, Allen said. She was charged with breaking and entering, fraudulent use of a credit card and forgery, all felonies, along with two misdemeanor drug charges. She was being held in the Benton County jail Wednesday awaiting a bond hearing.

How sad is that? Is our society becoming dumber? It has to be. That is so incredibly sad.

Really, it's like each and every day I learn something that restores my lack of faith in humanity. It's like I live in this cave now ever since Isabela was born, and I am completely detached from friends and family (especially that) and movies and pop culture. I see modern life from the outside. Inside here life is good and funny and happy and occasionally sexy ... but on the outside is all this patheticness and stupidity.

I hate KCRA Channel 3 News at Ten. I watched that entire mind-numbing news broadcast last night because they kept announcing "Take your kids to a museum featuring the muppets, more later" and I kept watching and watching and watching because Emerald loves the muppets and its very hard to keep a child on the muppets in this day and age ... and it was the absolute LAST story ... and it was about a muppet museum IN WASHINGTON DC!?!?!?!

You bastards! You dirty fucking bastards! I watched that entire fucking broadcast because you led me to believe that there was a muppet museum somewhere in Sacramento and it turns out that it was all just a sixty second throwaway look at a museum all the way across the fucking COUNTRY?!?! You fucking cocksucking whores! I hate them all. Edie Lambert in channel three is a fugly bitch and with her starnge looking nose she looks like the Chickenlady from Kids in the Hall, the bitch. Fuck all y'all, seriously. I am STILL upset about that, as you can tell.

Here's some free music for you, courtesy of the mothafuckin' Wind Clan ...

Beck: MTV Makes Me Wanna Smoke Crack (his first EVER music release, taken from the record)

Prince: Partyman (from the 1st Batman movie)

The Raconteurs: Intimate Secretary

BTW, continue the adventure of a murderous Shirley Temple at!

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