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Thursday, September 21, 2006

My Eyes Are Still Burning ...

... GODDAMN what a hardcore show. I had forgotten how hardcore that show was. I have a big cup of wine right next to me and a possible shot of sake on deck, along with a qued up tape of Powerpuff Girls to clear the hideously scaring mental image of tonight's episode of E.R.

It was incredibly difficult for my wife and I to watch for our own personal reasons. Isabela has a fever and gave us all quite the scare earlier today. Then seeing Abby go into labor early and have to have a c-section, only to find out that the baby has problems and needs to be rushed to the Nick-You, brought back a lot of memories of the two of us, my wife and I, and our own baby woes from exactly one year ago. Being in a Nick-You, being in the darkness of a neonatal intensive care unit, being surrounded by all these preemies and all these crying and dying little newborns, is a humbling and saddening experience that you never forget.

The hardest part for me to watch was when Kovach wanted to stay by Abby's side but she wanted him to go with the baby. They had a fight because he wanted to make sure she was going to be alright after the c-section and she wanted him to be with the baby so it wouldn't be alone. Kovach had to be with the baby instead of his cut-open and bleeding woman.

Yeah. Hello. We went through that same damn thing almost exactly one whole year ago.

It's the worst feeling having a sick baby, not knowing what's going to happen to your miracle, you know? And ... I'm not the smartest man in the world. How do I say it? Simple? That makes me seem dumb and I'm not dumb. I'm just a little bit slower than most and I usually need my wife next to me to explain things for me because she's more level headed and smarter. She helps me. And to see her stomach cut wide open, to see blood and brown sludge everywhere, to see the inside of her stomach, to see the folds of her skin just lifted and peeled wide open in a pool of blood as they pull a sick baby out of her body, to see her go through ALL THAT and then to be told by her to leave her, that's heartbreaking. That's something that I could never properly explain to you in words and what I've written here only pales in comparison.


Watching E.R. tonight I cried so hard my eyes felt like they were burning, They still feel that way.


I'm gonna get drunk and watch Powerpuff Girls now and pray to God and Jesus and Ed Wood and fuckin' Elvis fucking Presley and thank the stars above that my wife and my two wonderful daughters are alive and well.

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