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Monday, January 29, 2007

The Joys of Being Surrounded by Animated Forrest Creatures ...

... I.



I have no idea how long its been since I was allowed to sleep in. GAWD it's been a long time. Jesus. I slept in until 10:30 am. Once I woke up, I swear to god the bed was surrounded by animated forrest creatures and they were all singing to me. Seriously. It's been a really long time. I've been living on 4-6 hours of sleep every night and waking up at 6am if I wanted to or not.

So believe me when I say that today was well needed.

After I woke up and watched an awesome Maury show, we went down to Consumnes River College so that Tasha could pay for her classes. A few things, though ...

-One, I felt incredibly old. I mean, this was the first time I had set foot on a college campus since my drunk years at Arizona State last century. Felt very strange.

-Two, having a screaming baby on your hip while you walk around a college campus makes you as subtle and invisible as a naked clown on fire at a Christmas Day church service.

Three, that was the first time I had ever seen a college in Sacramento, California. I don't know a damn thing about colleges 'round here. I was playing a game at the CRC - how many white people can you see? We spent about an hour there and at lunch time, so I saw about 12. I also saw a group of black people hitting each other and laughing and screaming "DIE NIGGAS, DIE!"

Wow. Consumnes River College is a wonderful college, a real temple for higher learning.

Then we went shopping for stuff for my storytrime tomorrow, my great big storytime tomorrow. And to tell you the truth, I'm a bit nervous. Tomorrow is going to be one of the biggest storytimes in terms of sheer scope that I've ever done in the almost four years that I've been doing this storytime thing.

Tomorrow was supposed to be a big, exciting, campy as all hell Captain Book storytime but after three weeks of advertizing it, I learned that my Captain Book had enrolled for tuesday and thursday classes and therefore couldn't make it to my big ass Captain Book storytime. Panic. Was I supposed to cancel it after all the time I had already spent advertizing it?

Instead of cancelling it, I created an elaborate storytime that will feature Captain Book and his arch rival Dr. Borderz (spelled with a "Z" now due to legal issues) while at the same time not having Captain Book appear live at all . I've had to prepare a massive elaborate thing that in scope is bigger than everything I've ever done at storytime, even surpassing my pirate storytime treasure hunt through the entire store. Tomorrow I'm going to pull off a crazy, campy, Ed Wood-like multimedia experience that hastaken a lot of preplanning and a lot of discussion and a lot of forethought and even five and sixthought and I am really actually very nervous about it.

Here's how it's gonna go down ...

I'll have a tv/vcr ready at the beginning of the storytime. It will be decorated and I will explain to the kids that it's the Book-O-Vision 3,000, a new magical tv that we bought that can show us exactly where Captain Book is and what he's doing. I'm working today on perfectly queing up the video we shot in receiving last friday so that it will be perfectly synched up for tomorrow. The footage is all funny and the kids will dig it.

All through storytime I'll turn on the tv and see what Captain Book's doing. I have three videos. One is Captain Book reading a massive stack of books. In his hand he's reading some big, long title about the moral ramifications on the ideals of good and evil, some crap like that. He's rubbing his chin and going "Hmmmmmm" all deep like. the second video, which I'll do like ten or fifteen minutes later, has Captain Book reading a stack of magazines, including this month's issue of Scientific American Mind, which works great because of its cover story entitled "The Criminal Mind." Then the third video will be Captain Book reading "Heartsongs" by Mattie Stepanek and crying. Hella funny.

At the end of storytime I'll get the kids all excited for Captain Book. I'll run into the back and get him. I'll leave the kids in the store chanting "CAPTAIN BOOK" really loudly. Actually I'll be changing and I'll leave the kids there alone for like 2 full minutes. Then Julia will run out and tell the kids that storytime is cancelled because Captain Book is missing. "We looked everywhere for him. If only there were some way we could SEE where Captain Book is ..." so the kids will want the tv turned on and they'll see footage shot on friday of C.B. trapped in a prison of receiving return boxes and he can't get out.

Then C.B. turns to the camera and warns the kids that the evil and sinister Dr. BorderZ is on his way to storytime. Cue me, coming out sans glasses, being all evil villain-like. My Dr. BorderZ routine is hella funny. I'll try to make the kids lazy and unhealthy by giving them dvds and cds. I'm making them tonight. Kidz Bop 27. Air Bud 9. a really old pastry. The actual movie "From Justin to Kelly" that one of Natasha's cousins stole from a Blockbuster that we've never watched. The outfit that we'll be making tonight is going to be absolutely great, finalized by the lab coat that Marisa owns. Gonna be sweet. I can't wait. It'll be about 10 minutes of evil villian ad-libbing, then I'm going to tell the kids that since I've kidnapped C.B. I'm now taking over storytime and maybe I'll read them something boring and horrible like some book on crossstitching or something. The Da Vinci Code.

The finish will be me turning on the tv and making C.B. beg for his life. The footage is C.B. in the receiving prison looking at the top right of the screen, so I'll be standing there doing my bit. Then he looks at the kids and tells them my weakness. He says "His weakness is ... is ..." and during the silence I'm on MY knees begging for my life. Funny stuff. He then drops the bomb of what my weakness is and its the KIDS that defeat me. Ingenious. Then I come out and wonder "Hey, kids, I couldn't find Captain Book. What happened?" There's even an ending video where he thanks the kids and says his new catchphrase ... READINGS IS TOTALLY COOL and I even have little certificates of congradulations for the kids after they defeat the villian.

... and just for the record, I am NOT doing this super huge storytime to try and compete with the Natomas story and THEIR storyteller Miss Kiki because we are NOT competing with each other, despite what their store's managers think, and although I am massively popular with the 15-45 kids that come and see me twice a week I also respect any kids who think that seeing a twentysomething woman dressed as a hippie singing little kiddie songs on a ukelele is entertainment. I respect that.

I wasn't sure if that came off mean or not so I asked my wife and she said she was "cool" with it. So there you go.

Megan said she's YouTube the storytime tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it ...


Anonymous said...

Yay! It's good to se you happy!

Maybe you ought have a "Dad sleep in day" more often?

Anonymous said...

Sounds rad. Wish i lived around there to see you fuck kids up eddie wood style.