NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest or, you wuss!


Sunday, February 25, 2007

Various Random Whatnots ...

- Bela doesn't like it when a sweater doesn't fit. Apparently when she wears a sweater that doesn't fit, she goes apeshit. Wow. What a strange habit, even for a baby. Wouldn't it be funny if she stayed that way until she was all grown up and she's at the Gap trying on sweaters and she's in the changing room just fucking screaming like mad?

Wouldn't that be awesome?

-I have such beautiful kids. Emerald and Isabela are both just the most beautiful girls in the whole wide world. Thank GOD, too, because they really could have been hella fugly. I lucked out.

- There's a nationwide organization called the C.P.E.A. which stands for Child Protection Education of America, Incorporated. They tout themselves as being a national private foundation dedicated to addressing missing and exploited children. That babble came from their website, by the way. This rip off company claims to be a champion of children's rights and a nonprofit organization that works with police to find missing kids. This is all a crock of shit. This is how they work their scam. They get businesses to agree to allow them to set up a booth to "allegedly" fingerprint kids and create free child i.d.'s but what they do, see, is they hire bitchy, angry twentysomething catty chicks to set up a booth and SELL their OWN products and act like annoying carnival barkers, yelling at customers to get them to buy their crappy little toys and t-shirts and, if there's any time, care about missing and exploited children. But don't forget that their primary goal is to get bitchy semiattractive chicks who are too young to force perfume on you as you walk thru Macy's and get them to sell their own stupid shit in YOUR business. And since they have the words "Child Protection" in their name then businesses that otherwise wouldn't allow people to sell shit in their store will agree because they don't ever SAY they're gonna sell their own shit. They say they're setting up a free child I.D. fingerprinting safety booth or some other nice sounding crap like that.

They came in to the Arden Barnes and Noble in December of 2003. It was our district manager's idea so the whole store bent over to accomodate his idea. These conchicks (because they can't be conMEN) somehow got somebody to agree to letting them set up their table literally right in front of the children's department, right in front of the holiday octagon, LITERALLY blocking the entrance to my section and frightening away almost all of my customers. The C.P.E.A. people were nothing more than three whining, chatty teenage brats who did nothing more than flirt, bark at passing customers to get them to buy their own crappy products and bad mouth MY employees. This was right after I inherited the children's section as my own department and back then there was a store manager and a community relations manager who hated me for my religious beliefs and therefore never listened to any of my complaints. The C.P.E.A. brought my department's christmas sales down and I never forgave them for that. The safety bitches. That's what we used to call them. After a few days of the safety bitches blocking my section, we were all finally annoyed enough as a store that we told them they HAD to move their table from the front of our department to the stage inside kids. They didn't like that and, not being able to tackle customers like they used to, they just stopped coming. Even though they said the were going to be here for like a few weeks they just decided not to call or e-mail or anything, no warning, they just stopped coming. Good. Fuck the safety bitches.

If I sound angry and bitter, it's because I am. Over three years and I never forgot them and I never forgave them. That is uncool.

Yesterday I went to Albertsons to get pizza and beer for the family. I saw there were people with a booth right in front of the entrance. That wasn't anything new. There's usually some people right in front of there waiting to annoy you. So I put my iPod on to avoid any human interaction. I went in, bought my stuff, and left. I exited the store pushing my cart with my iPod on and my head down to avoid any interaction with the annoying salespeople outside. But apparently that wasn't enough for the bitches outside the Albertsons because one of them, a dumb skinny blonde, came up to me and PUT HER HAND ON MY SHOULDER AND GENTLY SHOOK ME while yelling at me that I should check out their booth and buy sone of their children's products. Can you believe that? THEY TOUCHED ME! Me! That's fucking assault! I couldn't believe the balls on this bitch. And while I was being shook by this bitch that smelled like a mall I happened to notice that the banner on their table had the letters C.P.E.A. on the banner.

I was attacked by one of the safety bitches yesterday.

Spread the word that the C.P.E.A. is a scam, a crock of shit dressed up as a child protection organization. I hate these people with every iota of my being. I hated them in 2003 and I somehow hate them even more now. This is a shoot. Fuck the C.P.E.A.

"You are talking about those "Safety Girls" who were actually selling things and flirting with single dads instead of fingerprinting kids in the store, right? Because I hate them."


Yesterday's big fight between Captain Book and Dr. Borderz was an amazing success! We had about 42 kids and about 30 adults, all packed shoulder to shoulder in the children's department to watch the loud superhero madness. All the kids "got it" - they knew who to cheer and who to boo and it all just clicked. The part that I was the most proud of was at the last second before storytime I told Kenton to come in and say hi before getting dressed. He came in and I stopped storytime in mid-yell/mid-sentance and said "Oh, hi Kenton. KIDS, turn around and say hi to Kenton." All the kids said hi to Kenton, then I said "This is my friend, mild mannered Kenton. He's quiet and shy, not the sort of person you'd expect to be, oh, say, a super hero. Okay, then, see you later, Kenton" and he took off. So when Captain Book came out one of the kids said "HEY! That's Your friend!" Awesome. The kids totally got it. It was a perfect mix of just enough too much. I am really proud.

The only negative is that if the bit is longer than four minutes, then I just cannot breathe at ALL in the Dr. Borderz mask. Almost passed out. That's bad.

Wow. They just played ONE LINE from Ed Wood on the Oscars. Ed saying "I like that" to Bela when he says the pull the strings line. This is the first time I've seen the Oscars this century. That's cool.

Anyhoo, back to Captain Book, my man Michael Burns filmed the whole thing on his uber-small and uber-professional camera and, being the budding young filmmaker that he is, he's planning on editing the thing into some awesome little package. I am deeply in debt to him for his coming to work early and capturing the whole thing which I hope to show here sometime soon, along with pictures of all the action from my new boss and biggest fan and personal camerawoman Tami.

Until then I do have some photos from the end of the storytime during the treasure giving and the picture taking and the coloring and all that ...

Afterwards one father asked me if I was hired by the store to come in and do storytimes. A middle age woman who smelled like my grandmother's furniture asked me if I did birthday parties. A mother with her daughter asked me if I was this engaging with the kids every week and her jaw nearly dropped when I told her that I did it twice a week.

GODDAMN it's good to be on stage again. Albeit a little stage. But a stage nonetheless.

I started writing this at 11 am. I've written it on and off all day. It's now almost Emerald's bedtime and we've had quite a day playing together and dancing together and playing wrestling video games for hours. I think I'm done now, though. Time to unplug.

Before I go, though, here are some totally free songs for your punk ass that perfectly represent my current mood ...

Audiovent: Rain

Boxcar Racer: I Feel So

Jim Infantino: Cautionary Tale

Theory of a Deadman: Nothing Can Come Between Us

Kepi: King of Nothing

... and here are two new songs from the Ataris and their new album Welcome The Night. Since their last album they've added pianos, mellotrons and, seriously, acoustic and electric cellos. Their music is now darker, richer, and much less fun but it perfectly fits my current blahs. Here you go ...

New Year's Day

Whatever Lies Will Help You Rest

Huge ass post. Doubt any of y'all will read it, but WTF. See ya.


Anonymous said...

long time listener, first time caller...this is not spam so please don't kill my suggestion. also I am not nigerian if that will easy your fears. anyways, anticlown media ( has a job posting for a blogger, make some extra cash doing what you already do. They do sites like and I think your smart-ass brand of humor fits all too well with theirs.

Reverend Steve said...

Well, I applied. I wrote three articles for writing submissions - one is a look at The Ataris new album and why its boring, one is a comprehensive list of the things overheard at the bookstore on christmas eve, and the last is a bit about the short-lived FOX show based on the book The Outsiders.

Not my best work but its a pretty good overvie of what I can do in a pinch. I hope they like it. I'd really like to write professionally again.

Anonymous said...

Yep, these are like matrix schemes - the people change the business names and that is exactly what i did and went back after the second interview and worked 1/2 day before finally deciding that I can not do that and know it was SSOOOOoooo wrong. I signed all the papers so it was “legit” but it was BULLSHIT! “Hilary Sessions” you should be ashamed that you used your daughters disapearance to profit off of it. Maybe you know where she is. but need your name to keep up your scam. The company “CPEA” or “Child Protection Education of America” did not meet the basic qualifications to be in the charity BBB. They are liars and totally schemers. The office in Gainsville “Unity Concepts” “” “Ellie Frey” you are all callused individuals who will get your karma back in time. Enjoy what you have now, because it will fall fast, and hard. They are now changing the name to “Mad Events” the girl has been there 8 months and is getting her own company and no worrys and she will set up 5 more and move up. I was amazed at this - have I been that blind???? I think there needs to be so much more awareness to these FAKERS. DO NOT get into this, if it sound too good to be true - IT IS! Write back and I will help you ANY way possible.

sorry i should be more clear, I did the full second interview - did my third that night knowing that it was a scam and also they totally SKIM off the top, VERY odviously… simple inventory that is never controlled or recored. Anyways I went back the 3rd day and worked, and had to bring customers over after doing my hire pack and stuff.