NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest or, you wuss!


Saturday, June 30, 2007

Sexy Secret Softcore Wife (and her husband in drag) ...

... my bastard body woke me up at 5:15 am this morning and I instantly stumbled in front of our newly resurrected computer to perform my usual morning tasks of checking my e-mail, searching for free mp3s, updating myself on the latest horrible Chris Benoit news and masturbating. That's my routine and my wife's fine with it. Besides, she usually wakes up late in the day anyway, so what's the harm of taking matters into my own hands before the kids wake up? It's a harmless crime, right?

Well, this morning I was treated to a big surprise, a big, hot, sexy, awesome surprise. There was a note on the computer from my wife. She's been staying up every night until 1 or 2 am while my customer service ass knocks out at around 11pm religiously. She had made something for me. See, she purchased a webcam from Wal-Mart the day before with money that her brother owed us for undisclosed reasons. Her note said that she knew the "types" of websites I liked visiting in the mornings and that perhaps the video that she recorded with her webcam the night before might help relieve me of some stress. Essentially.

See, this is where I hit my literary wall. My wife is much better at writing about dirty stuff than I am. I don't usually kiss and tell. I'm more of an old school gentlemen when it comes to disclosing these types of sexual events. I can tell you that it was my wife dressed all sexy-like and displaying her two biggest assets. So I watched said video and had myself a rather good time. The quote from her note that I liked the best was "I figured that when I am up at night like I have been lately, I can make you little videos to see the next morning." Wow. That's hot. That's awesome and hot.

I then went to work and busted my ass for two storytimes which together brought in exactly 99 kids and adults, total. The big Captain Book adventure which featured Clifford the Big Red Dog beating up Dr. Borderz in drag was just a few people away from tying for the biggest storytime crowd ever, the biggest storytime ever in our store being the 70+ people we had packed into kids for the first face-to-face encounter between Dr. Borderz and Captain Book last February.

I busted my ass at work and somehow still managed to come home and have a kitchen dance party with the kids, give them piggyback rides, cooked dinner for them, and give my wife three amazing orgasms. I'm a hardcore legend like Mick Foley. I've got that fucking rock star feeling that usually accompanies a play or a really successful storytime or a midnight magic party. I am a golden god and I kick so much fucking ass I can almost feel the latino heat emanating off of me.

I'm awesome.

It's a little past 10:30 and I've got Isabela on my lap eating Ruffles and watching awesome Sifl and Olly songs on YouTube while I drink tall boys of Tecate and get hit on by my sexy, heavy drinking wife. Thought I'd share some Sifl and Olly with y'all, the greatest show they ever showed on MTV back when MTV was cool and not a fucking joke ...

This is the ORIGINAL "United States of Whatever" song as it played on Sifl and Olly somewhere around 1999, wa-a-a-a-ay before 2005 when it suddenly started playing on all the radio stations and became a strange cult hit ...

I specifically remember walking into the break room. I was closing at work and someone left the radio in receiving on. It was tuned to whatever the hip local rap-slash-pop station is around here (I believe it was the same radio station that killed a listener who wanted a Nintendo Wii) and they were playing that song. I thought I was listening to my iPod or maybe a radio station was playing the clip of the show as a joke. But when the deejay came on and said "That's our number one request, Liam Lynch with 'United States of Whatevah' which reached number one in our countdown" I flipped out. I mean I love all the strange little songs that are the trademark of Sifl and Olly. Hell, my kids and I sing them all the time. But how could one song from one episode suddenly be everywhere? And the song even mentions Zafo, a reoccurring guitar-sounding character in the show.

Here's some of my favorite songs from the show ...

Llama School

Claire Danes

Fake Blood

Prostitute Laundry

This is post number 685 for me since I started this blog in 2002. I'm on beer number three and my 21 month old daughter is laying down on the couch watching Ben Vereen in the musical Pippin. It's her first musical.

God I'm awesome. I get all manic depressive and angry and depressed and all that and I tend to lose sight of the fact that my life is pretty damn good, all things considered.

Things are good. Questions are being answered. Things are happening. This is all good.


Anonymous said...

I love you baby! I'm glad that you are feeling better.
I hope you liked the video this morning!

Reverend Steve said...

It was very hot baby but what about my request?

Anonymous said...

Well there is always tonight!
I love you.