NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest or, you wuss!


Friday, August 31, 2007

Steve Galindo, Documentarian ...

... I am currently in talks to be featured in a documentary about Bulgarian-born director Stephen Apostolov (aka A. C. Stephen), who did the movie "Orgy of the Dead" with Ed Wood. Looks like this is going to happen.

I have repeatedly been in talks with a handful of young directors who have at random times in the 11 years that I've run the Church of Ed Wood expressed an interest in making a documentary about me. But, sadly, nothing's ever come of those talks. Now it looks like I'll be going down to Los Angeles in November to be in a movie about one of my favorite Ed Wood movies of all time.

You put this together with the storytimes I'll be doing with California Family Fitness and that shows a man who's finally doing something with his damn life.

Things are HAPPENING for me. And it's about damn time.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Captain Book VS The Winner(s) Of The Create-A-Villain Contest ...

... Steve was about to announce the winners of the Create-A-Villain contest where for the past few months over 90 kids have been creating villains for the chance to see their creation come to life to fight the bookstore super hero. But before Steve could announce the winners, two evil villains burst into the children's section. One was named Dr. Dark and he was long winded and ostentatious. Dr. Dark was a ghost with firebomb powers and thunderbold kick and a lightening web catcher that threw people into another dimension. The other villain was named Bomit and he had bombs filled with vomit. Both villains used the big magic Mr. Steve box to make Dr. Borderz's evil oversized remote and the poetry of Matte Stepaneck appear and used them to freeze Mr. Steve and defeat Captain Book. But, getting cocky, they started making fun of former villain Ms. Know-It-All who just so happened to be in the kids section shopping for her nephew. She took the weapons away from the villains, allowing Captain Book to once again save the day.

Here are the pics ...

Next month, September 29th at 2:00 pm, is going to be our biggest and most epic Captain Book adventure yet. It's going to be the ultimate fight between Captain Book, the bookstore superhero, and his arch rival, the evil and sinister Dr. Borderz. (That's Borderz with a Z, no relation to the bookstore of similar name.) It's going to be the final ultimate battle. Will our hero finally be defeated? PLUS Captain Book's origin will be revealed once and for all.

And I've got three words for you: Captain Book's dad. The district manager for Barnes and Noble Inc. will be making a super special guest appearance as Captain Book's long lost dad. How we managed to get the district manager to play Captain Book's dad I still have no idea. (He said what we were doing was great and he wanted to be a part of it, not realizing that I would stubbornly call him on it repeatedly until he agreed.) But we got him and its all happening the last saturday of September at 2:00pm.

Buy exclusive Captain Book shirts!

Check out Dr. Borderz's official myspace page!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Natasha and Steve's Drunk State Fair Adventure ...

... yesterday Emerald and Isabela went to church and spent the rest of the day playing next door with nana and papa. So my wife and I decided to take this rare day away from the kids to do something together as a married couple.

And by "something together" I mean sneak a shitload of beers into the California State Fair and drink all day like crazy mofos.

Here's me with Dippin' Dots and the awesome button I bought at the Republican booth and that drunken grin that I get when I'm really wasted ...

Here's my wife at the awesome mexican cantina they have there. Notice the "suspicious" brown liquid we snuck in from home in the yellow icee cup ...

Here's a picture I sneak took of the beautiful forelorn looking teenage girl at the beverage booth that I fell in love with ...

Here's a picture of the world's worst puppet show ...

Sometime during our mad drunk quest to see all the exhibits that we never get to see because of the two screaming kids we are usually anchored with, my wife and I passed Smokey the Bear's fire prevention park or the Smokey fire safety forest or something to that effect. A fake park ranger located in the front of the mini-camp told us upon our entry that if we got all the boxes stamped on our fire safety map we would get a free Smokey the bear bandanna.

And in our mad happy drunken hazy state we made it our life's FUCKING mission (!!!) to get us each a goddamn bandanna, no matter how many innocents we had to kill, how many virgins we had to rape and then gut, no matter how many babies we had to sacrifice to Gorto the Demon God and no matter how many crappy fire safety lessons we had to sit through.

Come hell or high water we would HAVE a Smokey fucking bandanna!

So my wife and I giggled and stumbled our way through some truly sorry ass safety lessons for kids, with the skinny mexican doing the majority of the giggling. It was tough and we got some strange and truly mean stares from the yuppie bastards that were populating the fair that day. Eventually, a lot longer than I thought it would take, we got every box but one stamped and finished our fire safety maps off with the Smokey the Bear nature walk.

Our nature ranger was a kid named Miguel Aguilar. He tried to seriously teach me and my wife about camping safety and respecting nature. But he wasn't that great at it. He stumbled on his lines, he said "like" a lot, he was quiet and nervous and I even heard him use the phrase "there's like hella trash" with us. It was all a bit ghetto and I laughed, straight up loud ass in Miguel's face type laughter, through literally half of the nature walk.

But I fell in love with Miguel, despite his faults. To me he was the young mexican Ed Wood of nature safety walks. And if it wasn't for Miguel, my wife and I wouldn't have gotten our official Smokey the Bear bandannas.

Thank you, Miguel ...

A fun time was had by all. We consumed nine beers between the two of us. We laughed at parents stuck with four kids riding crappy little kiddie rides all day. We checked out awesome sweaty fair boobs. We rocked the county exhibits with all the drunken intensity of two shirtless tweaker rednecks at a free Ozzfest. I made a few scenes while yelling at my favorite counties. ("Hell yeah, fuckin' BUTTE!!!") It was awesome.

Drunk fair rocks.

And so does my awesome new bandanna.

Friday, August 24, 2007

TOMORROW: The Winners Of The "Create-A-Villain" Contest ...

... tomorrow at 2:00pm at my store we're announcing the winner of our big Captain Book summer villain contest. throughout this summer I set up a box in front of kids with forms for kids to create their own super villain. We had the box up since the beginning of June and since then we've gotten over 90 villain forms, quite an impressive number I think.

Tomorrow we reveal the winning villains and watch as they fight Captain Book. We will also be showing off our brand new monthly round of Captain Book trading cards, including two very special runner up super villain cards (and Marisa as Miss Lulu). Plus we'll be announcing the BIG SPECIAL GUEST expected for next month's Captain Book adventure.

It's free and silly and awesome and it's tomorrow at 2:00pm. Everybody should go.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Hella Sleep On Wobbly Legs ...

... I got sleep.

I got hella sleep.

I woke up sometime around 11:00 this afternoon. Natasha's usually the one that gets to sleep in and I'm usually the one that has to take care of the kids by myself. I'm not angry, mind you. I'm happy to do it. It's just rare when the roles are reversed on my days off.

We might be going to the fair today with John. I say might because we were supposed to babysit Natasha's cousin's kids in the morning and then drop them off in the afternoon at their other, less professional, babysitter and then we were going to head off to the fair. But the other babysitter just up and disappeared, leaving us with the kids. The babysitter just recently texted the mom, saying that she had a doctor's appointment at 1:00 and that she thought she told her before. How ghetto is that? So now we're trapped with these kids and our fair-ing is in questioned.

That sucks. I could almost taste that block of fries.

I'm having a rough day today, a rough couple of days. For starters I had to go home early yesterday. My legs, they weren't working right. They were on fire, in pain, wobbly, and every step hurt like hell. Eventually I went home and laid down and cried. It was horrible. Now today my legs are fine. What the hell was all that about, then, huh?

And now I'm here taking care of the kids while Natasha lays down with Bela and I'm having a hard time trying to keep myself together. The kids are yelling at each other and fighting. I'm trying to get them to stop fighting but they're being brats and they're not listening and they're not caring at all about me. I reached my limit about a half an hour ago. I snapped. I yelled "STOP IT" as loud as I could at the kids, my face red. And if you've ever heard one of my storytimes you know I can scream LOUD, too. I scared the kids and I woke up Bela. Great. Now I feel like the worst parent in the world.

So afterwards when Emerald hit Deinna with a Barbie doll, I didn't yell. I had Emerald get out of her room and sit down on the couch until I told her she could go back and play, a time out I suppose. So Emerald laid on the couch in this fetal position and just cried and cried and cried. That hurt worse than waking Bela up.

I have a temper. I got it from my dad. Usually it just hides inside myself and never comes out. But once and a while when it DOES come out, it frightens me.

Here's some free music for your punk ass, courtesy of the got-tamn Wind Clan ...

Steve's iPod

Los Lonely Boys: Whatever Gets You Thru The Night (John Lennon)

Bedouin Soundclash: Walls Fall Down

Buckethead: Running From The Light

dj erb: Sexy Africa Lady (Toto VS Yung Berg)

Richard Cheese: Down With The Sickness

Perez Prado: Patricia

The Mike Flowers Pops: Wonderwall (lounge Oasis)

They Might Be Giants: Take Out The Trash

Emerald Galindo: Rock Lobster

Party Ben: Triple Freak Me Out (Beastie Boys VS Franz Ferdinand VS Chic)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I Didn't Do It Because I Was Depressed. I Just Wanted To Look Different Is All ...

... the return of Clean Shaven Steve.

Coming soon: Short Hair Steve.

This has nothing to do with my mom constantly riding my ass about my hair. It also has nothing to do with my current mental state.

I just feel that if I'm going to be a professional children's entertainer then I should stop looking like I go to the dirt bar every night.

I want to look good. I want to look different. It's my choice and I'm going for it. Fuck it, I say. It's just my outwards appearance. It's my insides that really count.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Incredibly Cheap Ass Clearance Items That I Want My (Richer) Friends ( And Complete And Total Strangers) To Buy For Me And Send To My Work c/o Me ...

... I know that probably no one will buy any of these things for me, but I found them in WWE's hidden clearance bin and they're incredibly cheap, usually around ten bucks, and I'd hella buy them if I wasn't so eternally broke. So if you have some money lying around, maybe you could chip in and buy me some cheap crap.

If you purchase one, I can send you an exclusive Captain Book trading card. And a sticker.

Make the package out to:

Mr. Steve
Barnes and Noble
1725 Arden Way
Sacramento, Ca. 95815

Eddie Guerrero hella dead t-shirt

Hurricane superhero cape (perfect for storytime)

Eddie Guerrero life story dvd (done when he was alive)

NWO-looking Randy Orton RKO hat

old Sandman t-shirt (L)

Undertaker rubber bracelet thing

WWE No Way Out 2004 dvd (I WAS THERE!!!)

Old School bloody Sabu shirt (L)

Out of date RVD shirt (L)

ECW tank top (L)

Saturday, August 18, 2007

A Lack Of A Proper Digital Camera Forces Steve To Do Very Strange Things ...

... first off, check out this Reservoir Dogs poster that was made using the entire movie script! It's pretty awesome. The Godfather one is sweet, too. I'd totally buy one if I wasn't so destitute.

Secondly, I am now officially shopping at Safeway because they just started selling the greatest beer in the world: the big blue, baby, it's back ...

I love my Labatt Blue. As regular readers of my blog will already know, I take my Labatt Blue drinking very personally and (sadly) stopped drinking it regularly over a year ago. But my parents came to see me do my storytime thing and mingle with my kids this afternoon and gave me some beer money. And a fate stop at a Safeway led to the purchasing of some awesome cool blue tall boys. I swear, once I saw them the theme music from Ed Wood's Glen or Glenda started playing in my head, this swelling of strings and happiness and hope.

Like the bartender at the Hard Rock restaurant here in Sacramento said when I cussed him out for not telling me earlier that they carried it in bottles, Labatt Blue drinkers are the most loyal beer drinkers out there this side of Guiness (i.e. pretentious beer that tastes like burnt toast). There's just something about Labatt, though, that makes it taste better than all the other beers that I regularly drink solely because they're readily available. It's like a Budweiser-flavored MGD but it DOESN'T taste like ass and it goes down smoother than a greased up naked Oprah on a goddamn Slip 'N' Slide.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first and last time that I will ever use the phrase "a greased up naked Oprah on a goddamn Slip 'N' Slide" in any serious way. If I ever mention that in my blog again, I'll just be mentioning it in an ironic way.

Where's Mr. Steve?

Thirdly, I'm doing another one of my fifty mile couch sorta nights. hence the Labatt Blue. I don't particularly like being alone. I especially don't like it when Natasha goes out and I stay home alone, like tonight. But the kids make it easier. Bela and I played together and watched Invader Zim. Emerald and I ate ice cream and played her uncle's Nintendo Wii. I played my iPod and watched an episode of Dora before she kissed me good night and went to bed ...

Natasha's at this "mixer" thing. She's partying with somewhere between 100-150 people drinking and meeting new people and dancing and making contacts and maybe getting spanked. Me? I'm alone in a stinky house drinking canadian beer and watching Glen or Glenda for the 40th time. I'm not angry. I'm just drunk and lonely. I miss going out. I miss having a bar to go to. I miss my brother. I miss seeing movies. I miss Ricky and Jason. I miss giving Marisa rides. I miss talking to Marisa. Fuck, I just miss Marisa.

(no posting comments about that last part about Marisa, no matter how funny and self-deprecating your comment may be)

Finally, the kids and I went to the California State Fair yesterday. It was loud and crazy and despite the occasional near riot it was a lot of fun. I would show you pictures but our digital camera went all crapskis on us, so we have nothing to take pictures with except for a polaroid and a webcam.

So, in a crazy move the likes of which no one else has ever DARED to attempt, I have somehow managed to recreate two of last night's most memorable moments by cutting and pasting and cropping old pictures and turning them into illustrated representations of last night's state fair trip. I used old pictures to create pictures from last night's trip. If that sound's crazy, that's because it IS crazy.

Here are the two pics I've completed ...

The more I look at the pictures I created, the more I'm convinced I'm crazy.

Friday, August 17, 2007

The Haunted World of Emerald Rose Burkitt-Galindo: Part II ...

... the other day when I posted about Emerald watching the documentary "The Haunted World of Edward D. Wood Jr." I was excited and honored to have a five year old girl watching a documentary about Ed Wood. Well, turns out she only saw the first ten minutes and then got bored and turned on PBS.

But I'm getting to her, alright. She's watched the Tim Burton movie three times since she was three years old and now this morning she's laying down on the couch covered up in her princess blanket while she watches Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster" on dvd ...

Emerald is awesome as hell. She really is.

Turning Pro ...

... starting September 1st I will be a contracted children's entertainer with the Elk Grove area California Family Fitness. I will be doing 45 minute storytimes for them starting around October. I will be contracted for 12 storytimes a year and I'll be getting 30-60 kids and their families coming down to see me. In exchange for my services, my family will be getting an exclusive platinum membership to all the Family Fitness locations throughout Sacramento. My wife is supremely excited about this and is already trying to find some good workout clothes to wear.

The people at the fitness place say that they usually they get entertainers who also rent themselves for parties and birthdays and whatnot but that they've been hearing so many people talk about me that they decided to snap me up before someone else did. And they also said that if I'm interested with getting into that side of the business and doing birthdays and parties that they can help me get my foot in the door. This is a big opportunity for me to get my name and face out there and make maybe a little money on the side. So I'm going to expand my current storytime merchandise site and trying to maybe get some birthday company started with my wife doing all the details and me doing all the entertainment.

I'm taking my first steps into a much larger world. I think I'm going pro. This is me going pro. What do you think about that?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Blackout ...

... I've been having anger issues at work lately. And by "lately" I mean within these past two years. Working on the floor of a major bookstore that just so happens to be located right next door to a major "once a year fatal shooting" mall can be extremely stressful on someone's nerves. And I've been lucky (???) enough to work next to TWO major semi-ghetto malls. And I've been working with the company for almost seven years now. That's a long time. And I've seen a lot in my time. I've had to clean up blood and vomit, I've had customers yell at me, I found a used hypodermic needle in the bathroom of the bookstore in Phoenix, I've almost gotten into a fight with a crazed gang member, I've had my life threatened, I've had to kick customers out of the store, I've had to call 911, I've had a lady get in my face and yell at me because we didn't have any books on mule psychology (I'm totally serious) and I've even had a six year old girl once throw books at my face. And lately these crazed moments have been coming at me at a rapid pace. These moments, coupled with people's anger and stubbornness and basic ignorance, had led to me, as regular readers probably know, to slam my fist against the walls at work.

So sometimes around March I came up with the idea of Kids Section Bingo.

I take about ten minutes once I get to work to make the day's card. Each square will be something different: angry customer, lengthy conversation with elderly person, no we don't have the textbook you're looking for, impossible question, customer pissed at me, obviously racist customer, fat redneck, loud cellphone conversation, "I Saw It Online," customer doesn't know title or author, answer over 20 phone calls, over 5 "Do you Work Here"s, huge stack of manga left in kids, ect. I play almost every day and I win about 75% of the games. Not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of that. But I find that playing bingo makes me feel a million times happier at work. This is because NOW when a fat redneck racist bastard dad with a neck tattoo and a pile of car magazines sits in my section and doesn't pay attention to his four A.D.D. kids running around the store destroying endcaps and displays I don't get angry. I get excited because that's like two bingo squares.

Not everybody knows I play this. I've only told about six people at work about it. This is because sometimes the squares will be "questionable" - yucky boob tattoo, ignorant black chick, bitchy Hot Hopic teens, flaming, spot 10 MILFs, retards, ignorant fucking bastard, soulless yuppie whore, panty shot, asian reading car magazines, where yo black section at, mom showing obscene amount of ass crack, employee does pissed off overhead, ect. Sometimes I could get in a whopping shitload of trouble for some of the things I write on my bingo card.

I've played about 60 games since March. And I usually win. Sometimes I win twice or three times in a single day. And twice I've gotten every box but four on my card.

But yesterday I had my first ever blackout ...

I answered over 22 phone calls, I had a customer give me attitude over the phone, I had a customer with a big list of textbooks we didn't carry, I had four songs from my iPod play on the instore radio station, I had customers sit in my special storytime chair, I had a lengthy conversation with an elderly customer, I had a bastard leave a ton of crap in my section, I had a massive last second summer reading list, I had a customer who didn't know the title or the author, I had a massive retard convention, I had a customer angry at me, I covered over two breaks, I had a customer hang up on me over the phone, I had the "But you have it online" conversation, I saw a nasty stinky bum, and I had a group of ignorant bastards in my department.

I checked off all sixteen squares.

I'm the Barry Bonds of bookstores.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Haunted World Of Emerald Rose Burkitt-Galindo ...

... I'm about to leave for work and my five year old daughter Emerald, the coolest daughter in the world, is laying down on the couch watching the documentary "The Haunted World of Edward D. Wood Jr." She asked me if she could watch it. She asked me! And now she's watching it. I told her, I said "Honey, this is a movie about the life of Ed Wood. It's long and its for adults and if you want to watch it, then go ahead." And now she's watching it. She's laying down watching it and asking me all these questions like "Who's Vampira, daddy?" and "Was that Ed's girlfriend?" The movie gets a bit confusing for a five year old when it talks about Bela's morphine and Ed's transvestism. And the movie gets a tit bit adult at the end when he dives into monster nudie films. But Natasha should be awake by then to be able to talk with her about any touchy subjects.

Emerald is totally fucking awesome!

The Bear's Ass Song

STEVE NEEDS A RAISE and Captain Book t-shirts

Monday, August 13, 2007

A Song For The Trapped Miners ...

The Buoys: Timothy

"My stomach was full as it could be and nobody ever got around to finding ... Timothy"

Read the Songfacts on "Timothy"

Out of all the web pages I've visited to learn more about this haunting song I've never seen one mention the fact that this wayward hit inexplicably found a second life and took off during the heyday of Napster in the late nineties. For some inexplicable reason this kooky and deeply morbid seventies cannibalism rock song struck some sort of chord with geeky twentysomethings using this new software revolution to steal free songs from their buddies. This song started getting passed on from computer to computer and probably became one of the first things on the internet that you could call "viral" way before people started using that annoying word.

I first heard this song on a cd that a follower of mine burned for me. I swear I probably listened to that song about twenty times before it clicked and I realized OH SNAP! This is about eating someone. That's a screwed up song, man. It's either one of most morbid songs you'll ever hear or its one of the stupidest song you'll ever hear. Either way you'll probably never forget it.

Here's some MORE non-cannibalism related Buoys songs. These are really hard to find. It's like pulling teeth to find a non-Timothy song by these guys. But I managed to find an album of theirs on cd. They had two or three songs after Timothy that made the top 100 charts, nothing as memorable as their ode to trapped miners, but I put some of their stuff on my iPod and I'm loving it. Their sound perfectly encapsulates what was good about seventies rock. Enjoy ...

Tell Me Where Heaven Is


Good Lovin'

Sunday, August 12, 2007

I'm Blowing Up All Over This Town ...

... the people at Arden mall told us a week or two ago that they were having a three hour back to school festival at the mall and they wanted Barnes and Noble to have a booth there. They also said they wanted me to do storytime and we agreed. The second saturday of every month they have the Arden Mall Kids Club that gets about 100-300 kids attending, mostly crazy kids whose parents only show up because of the free prizes you get for attending multiple times. I've done storytime for them twice now and I was fairly excited about doing at again. It does my own storytime numbers well and it's great to be in front of a big audience like that. Remind s me of the old days.

Well when my community relations manager and I got there they said that I wasn't going on stage, that I'd just be doing storytime from my booth. Well, after some talking (we politely told them that if I do my storytime at my booth, all the kids will be listening to ME doing my thing and NOT the stuff on the stage) they gave me a half hour set in between the magic acts and the safety doctor and I'm happy to say that my half hour was one of the highlights of the event because everybody else that was up there (apart from the host) had no stage experience and not too much experience with kids. There was a doctor explaining backpack safety, a nurse doing trivia questions no one could answer, a limbo contest and various other strange kids activities. There were special guests that were late and a darn good host who did almost every time wasting thing in the book to try and make this three hour thing work and there was a kiddie fashion show that was the highlight of the day only because one three year old girl was waving and kissing and posing in a way where you just KNEW her mom rode her ass to be that cute. Stage mom. Awesome.

So when I got up there and brought Clifford up and yelled and read stories and pulled an alligator out of my pants and got 150 kids at Arden mall to scream "STEVE NEEDS A RAISE" I knew I killed. Good feeling.

But I injured my leg lugging all the stuff for our booth from work to the mall and back. And then my CRM left leaving me to man the Barnes and Noble booth by myself for a little over two hours. And then when I got to work it was so damn busy that the only people on the floor was myself and two or three others. I got stuck at our info desk for about an hour, took a 22 minute lunch, answered 22 phone calls, got yelled at by angry customers, and didn't take my first break until 4:15, 45 minutes before I left. It was crazy busy and since we blew our wad for the Harry Potter Party ...

... from about 2pm on there was only just Lance and myself on the floor. Just me and the manager. It was insane and crazy and I was busting my ass on the sales floor and just quietly laughing to myself that my doctor's note said that I "wasn't supposed to rush around." What a joke. I'm still sore from all I did yesterday.

However, I am happy to say that my usual 2pm storytime had 53 kids, the largest amount of children ever to attend one of my storytimes and, yet again, one of the single biggest events in my store this year. Yes I busted my ass and overworked (and I just KNOW that I'm going to get absolutely NO RECOGNITION at work from this because I guess me kicking ass is so commonplace that nobody really cares anymore) but I think it was all worth it.

Here's some free music for your punk ass ...

Jim's Big Ego: Concrete

Matthew Good: Indestructible

Primus: American Life

Bright Eyes: Reinvent The Wheel

The Get up Kids: The Lion and the Lamb

Michael Jackson: Rock With You

Tom Petty: American Girl

Wolfmother: Woman

Sublime: Santeria

Grand Buffet: Benjamin Franklin Music

Cake: Frank Sinatra

Billy Joel: Moving Out


Friday, August 10, 2007

Play That Funky Wii ...

dj BC: Play That Funky Wii (Vanilla Ice VS Wii Sports)

This song is for John and Gwen. It is NOT for Burns. He can suck it.

In other news, Leonard Nimoy will be releasing a $45 hardcover photo essay book, his second book of photographs, called The Full Body Project. The black and white photographs are all of naked heavyset women. I repeat, actor Leonard Nimoy will be releasing a $45 hardcover book of nothing but naked heavyset women.

Wow. How awesome is that? Spock is totally a chubby chaser.

Click here to see selections from The Full Body Project.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

A Quick Hug Before I Stab You ...

... at the beginning of this week I quietly quit taking my anti-depression pills. And at the same time I somehow managed to cut my extremely high coffee intake from 30-40 oz. of coffee in a day all the way down to a half a cup in the morning.

I imagine that going cold turkey off of Effexor would be ten times worse on me if I hadn't decided to simultaneously try to give up coffee because I keep hearing these hell stories about people going nucking futz and offing themselves. But my double turkeys are canceling themselves out - the lack of happy pills is making my body go crazy while the cutting down of coffee is making my body relax and say thank you, it's about time.

Physically, though, it feels like I've had a dizzying hangover for five days straight. Mentally, though, I'm alternating between wanting a hug and wanting to kill everyone around me before Chris Benoit-ing myself.

Just thought I'd let you know. Wish me luck ...

(So Far) The Only Picture Taken Of Me At The Midnight Magic Party ...

... at the beginning of the Harry Potter club tonight (and by "tonight" I mean wednesday night, which I am still in seeing as it's 1:07 am and I'm staying up watching Kids in the Hall and drinking) I was busy talking to my club kids about the Midnight Magic Party and I was showing pictures that were taken of the events and the festivities and I mentioned that I didn't have any pictures of what I was doing because nobody at work bothered to take any pictures of MY events. At that time this tall and attractive woman came up to me and asked me if I was Mr. Steve. When I said that I was she pulled out her cell and told me that she had a picture of me on her phone. It was a picture taken during our "Final Scene" game when I pick people from the audience to act out a scene from a Harry Potter movie. It was memorable because I picked this cute and tired and poofy haired three year old girl to play the evil lord Voldemort.

But the memorable part of the photograph realization came when I asked the woman to email me the picture and she said shure. I wrote down my email address , Reverend, on a piece of paper and gave it to her. She looked at the paper in shock and said "Oh my god. You're, you're ... you have that web site, you have the Ed Wood relig-" which was when I interrupted with a hearty "YES but please don't mention it in front of the fifteen kids here!" How awesome that this random customer knew me as Mr. Steve AND as Reverend Steve.

Here is the only picture of my Midnight Magic Party events that currently exist ...

If anybody has any more pictures of me during the Midnight Magic Party, please email them to me. I'm sure more than one picture exists.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The All Time Top Five STUPIDEST Things That Customers Have Ever Asked Me In My Nearly 7 Years In The Book Industry...

5) "Is the book 'The Kite Runner' good for a ten year old?"

The Kite Runner, for those of you who aren't avid readers, is an adult historical novel about the poverty and cruelty that came with growing up in Afghanistan during the 1978 communist coup d'etat and the hideously bloody soviet invasion in 1979. How much do you NOT know your kids that you think this book is a good book for your kid to read? What's next, is Lovely Bones good for my eight year old daughter?

4) A TIE: "Do you guys carry anything on stopping worshipping Satan?" AND "How come I can't rent books from you?"

The Kite Runner question and the Satan worshipping question were both asked yesterday and within five minutes of one another. The Satan one was asked over the phone by a teenage redneck sounding woman who I felt sorry for, not for her satanism habits but for her ignorance. The book renting question I used to get a LOT back in Arizona. In fact, customers were much meaner to me back there than they have been so far in California. However, the people in California have in general been a much worse class of people. In Arizona you got rednecks and old people and mexicans who don't speak english. There are so many more different and grossly unique classifications of assholes to hate in Cali.

3) "Do you sell e-books here?"

It was a smart seeming college aged business type who asked me this question, the sort of person you wouldn't expect to have to explain at length, at great length that an e-book only exists as a file on a computer. When he finally understood how stupid a question that was (the stupidity being akin to walking into Best Buy and asking where their iTunes songs were) he tried to play his ignorance off by asking for books on e-books. That phrase, books on e-books, makes my brain melt.

2) "Do y'all have any books on hunting for toddlers?"

Remember what I said earlier about the different and grossly unique classifications of assholes in California? This is a prime example. And this is what sets my blog apart from the other blogs out there. Any other blog would make a joke about toddler hunting. Not me. I'm beyond that.

1) A TWO PART QUESTION: "Do you have the book "Oriental Gamefowl" by Horst W. Schmudde, it's a guidebook for rare poultry exhibitors?" THEN AN ANSWER NO, FOLLOWED BY: "Well, when is your next box coming in?"

There are so many things wrong with this question. For starters, the full title of the book he was looking for is "Oriental Gamefowl: A Guide for the Sportsman, Poultryman and Exhibitor of Rare Poultry Species and Gamefowl of the World." Secondly, it's a $68.00 print on demand textbook. This book is so incredibly specific that Barnes and Noble's website has two reviews, the first from a person from South Africa who writes "The old publications by Finsterbusch and Atkinson have been read and read and at last this is new and fresh material available." Jesus Christ. Who is so out of touch with the modern world that they think that they can go to Arden mall, have a hot dog on a stick, visit the Sunglasses Hut, drink an Orange Julius, buy some khaki pants, and then mosey on down to the smallest Barnes and Noble in northern California, the ghetto Barnes and Noble with no music section, no movie department, and no cafe and easily pick up Horst W. Schmudde's book on rare oriental poultry exhibition? And what kind of a name is Horst W. Schmudde? It's either fake or some kind of rare Pokemon. And how dare this customer ask when our next box is coming in, like he honestly thinks this impossible to find book is as popular as Harry Potter 7. "Oh we're expecting our next shipment of Schmudde books in hopefully by next tuesday. I can put you on the waiting list if you want. You'd be number eighty four." I could have easily and guilt free have killed the man who asked me that question. Easily.

Mystikal Cliffs Notes ...

... I haven't laughed this hard in a long ass time. It's the good people at Cracked magazine online and their hilarious Cliffs Notes on the Mystikal song "Pussy Crook." I had tears down my eyes when I was reading this. That's how sweet this thing is.

There's also a new one for R. Kelly's "The Zoo" that's pretty good, too.

Monday, August 6, 2007

The Cris-Tennial ...

... I will not be there because I'm on the other side of Cali. That and I have a wife and two kids and I'm broke as hell. But if you're near the Hollywood area, be sure to celebrate the life and birthday of America's premiere mystic.

Tell them Reverend Steve says hello.