NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

HOLY CRAP, I'M IN A TEXTBOOK!!!

I was bored and googled myself and found out that I am quoted in chapter 5, page 91 of the 2002 textbook An Introduction to the Grammar of English: Syntactic Arguments and Socio-Historical Background by Elly van Gelderen.


Page 91. Check it out for yourselves.


I'm in a textbook. I'm all academic an' sheet! Wind clan be alllll up in here, beyotches!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Going Back to Work Blues ...



I went on vacation for nine days and after what seemed like forever I finally went back today.


Sadly, it seemed like nobody at work seemed to notice or care that I was gone.


I don't care, though. I'm still riding on the high of my birthday. Yesterday was amazing. I'm still riding on that awesome, liberating rock star feeling.


After my experience yesterday I seem to care more about my life and less about the world around me. That might sound like a bad thing to some but to me its music. I get so angry and upset at the ignorant people that I see at work and near my home. Like the homeless people that angrily accost you for change and the rich upperclass yuppies with their Gucci sunglasses and the black moms who don't pay attention to their four kids and the toothless crackheads and the ignorant teens wearing Scarface shirts and the lazy caregivers who let their speds (Galindo-ese for special education people) run around because they're busy reading Murderdog magazine. They anger me and disgust me and somehow I think I get angry at them because subconsciously I think they're ignorance is a reflection of me.


Well that's no more. Now when some asian lady on a cellphone cuts me off and almost crashes into me I just take a deep breath and shrug. I am my own life and that makes me happy.


That might not make any sense. But it makes sense to me.


I miss my OLD bookstore in Phoenix, the one next to Metrocenter mall. The employees seemed friendlier back then. I think more people at my Metro store would care that I was gone for nine days. I'd get a ton of hugs, I'd have to tell everybody what I did while i was gone, and then after work we'd all walk over to Bennigan's and drink ourselves silly to Dave Matthews Band songs on the jukebox.


I take my job too personally. I want all my fellow employees to be my best friend. But I think everyone else at work is smart and just works there for the paycheck. I thought everybody at work would miss me while I was gone and for a while today I was really angry at them. Now I'm angry at myself for thinking that.


The picture I used for this post I took a couple of nights ago. My wife and I are recovering ex-smokers, my wife a much heavier smoker than I was. I think at my peak I smoked a pack a week but usually I would go thru a pack of cigarettes every two weeks. So I was a regular smoker but nowhere near on par with what would be considered a "regular" smoker.


We have somehow taken to smoking a cigarette together on our porch in the cover of darkness really late at night every second or third night or so. It's good to go out in the stars with my wife and just smoke and talk. It reminds me of 2003 when we met at work, fumbling lustfully through a relationship at a breakneck pace. I think we started having a cigarette here and there again because of a combination of Natasha's tax job, my being overworked at my job and the relationship problems we're working on. It's good having this quiet time outside with her.


Plus I just thought it was an awesome picture. I'm wearing a skirt in that picture, too. Nothing sexual about it. It was clean and I didn't feel like putting on pants.

Monday, March 24, 2008

My 31st Birthday Barbie-Que Bash ...



It was me, my wife and kids, John, Burns, beer, gummy burgers, funny ass episodes of Cheap Seats, Super Smash Brothers for the Wii and some good times. I got a PS2, four awesome games to go with it, good Dunkin Dounuts coffee, popcorn and a ton of iTunes gift certificates. My plan worked. Two kids from storytime actually gave me $15 iTunes cards, bringing my birthday total to $60 worth of iTunes. I tricked little kids into buying me itunes gift certificates, which just goes to show how awesome and simultaneously horrible I am. I wish more people could have showed up but it was very last minute. But the amount of people didn't matter. What mattered was that I had a really good time with the people that I care about.


And listening to Michael Burns reading the hideously legendary 'zine article Waiting in Line To Die: Death At Disneyland out loud in front of Natasha's parents while the kids dyed eggs is something I'll never forget.




I got one last birthday present this afternoon. And. it. Was. Amazing! Absolutely a-maze-ing! Wow. I honestly feel like a curtain has been lifted in my mind and that the world is a much better place. I honestly feel a million times better. Amazing.


Thank you joy.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Steve's 31st Birthday Barbie-Que Bash ...

It's my birthday today. To start things off I'm having a special IT’S MY BIRTHDAY storytime at my work at 2:00pm. There’ll be cake and ice cream and mad screaming children, which is always fun. Plus it'll be interesting to see if my "Kids, please don't buy me any $15 iTunes gift certificates" scheme works this year. it worked last year. Then at sometime around 5:00pm-ish there’s gonna be a nice mellow get-together barbie-que at my house with music and drinks and barbie-que and drinks and (possibly gummi-) hamburgers and drinks and some nice mellow times.


Everyone should come. just call me or call my wife or e-mail me or SOMETHING. but everyone should come.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Wile Leaving Supplies:

Beer? CHECK!
Popcorn? CHECK!
Pizza? CHECK!
Anti-Anxiety pills? CHECK!
Money? Hardly any but CHECK!
Hardcore BBW porn DVDs? That's a big CHECKAROO!


Okay, so supply-wise I think I'm ready. Emotionally, though, I don't think I'm ready. I hate it when she leaves like this for one of her "business" trips. She leaves for a few days and I'm left at home alone with the kids. It's great to have some time alone with the kids and all that but having her gone leaves me all alone with my mind left to wander through lonely and depressed areas that I don't like to dwell on. It's so lonely being alone. I get so drunk at night watching the same crap over and over again. How many times can I watch the same 28 episodes of Cheap Seats?


Plus I've really been losing it with Bela lately. She's ass deep in the terrible part of the terrible twos, screaming and yelling and fighting constantly. These pills I'm on have succeeded in calming me down in every aspect of my life EXCEPT little Bela. She'll yell and scream to watch Dora, then yell at you for putting Dora on, she wants Blue's Clues, then she'll collapse on the floor screaming because you turned Dora off.


I really don't want her to leave. I hate being alone.

Vacation Day Two:

I went to storytime on my vacation. My storytime numbers have been on the low side recently but the positive is that the people who ARE showing up are really supportive of me and what I'm all about. Then we went to the Apple store and they taught me what to do when my new iPod freezes up, so I'm all prepared now so that I wont freak out about my music when my wife leaves. She's going to work at 6 and then she's leaving right after that. It will be nice to spend time alone with the kids AND WITHOUT THE INTERNET but I'm worried, my biggest fear being that things will come up and her friday arrival date turns into arriving sometime during my birthday. She's getting ready right now, if by getting ready you mean begging me for a tab. I gotta go. Wish me luck.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Vacation Day One:

I've added about 250 songs into my new 4gig iPod. Now I have over 70 Eels songs. Crazy. I've drank a lot of coffee, about three or four cups. I also slept in until 10:45pm. Honestly didn't think that was going to happen. I've read a big chunk of the book I'm reading, "America Unzipped" which is basically a tour thru America's perversity and religiousness. It's interesting. I've also seen a lot of internet porn. A LOT! I have to see as much as I can before my wife leaves.


We WERE planning on going to Disneyland for my vacation and I was all excited. Then that de-evolved into a few day trips to various places near us like San Francisco and Monterey and Santa Clara and I was all excited. And now Natasha's going on a business trip for three days while I stay home and take care of the kids. And she's taking the laptop, so no iPod fixing or internet porn. Hopefully she'll be back for my birthday this saturday.


I'm trying not to get upset over the de-evolution of our plans. I'm trying my best to breathe deep, take my pills, and embrace this time I get to spend with my kids.


I better get me a twelve pack tomorrow.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Revenge of the Suits ...

Today at work we're being joined by the district and regional managers. They're going to spend the day at work wandering the store to make sure everything is visually proper as well as quizzing us about sales and the store's numbers and goals. It's all part of a nasty vacation earning gauntlet that I have to work through. I have six days of work in a row, six hard days of non-stop working my ass off in order to earn my seven days off. This morning, with the prospect of a whole day of suits in front of me, I find myself nervous and not looking forward to today.


Sure both people really like me. heck, I forced the district manager to wear a stupid outfit and be Captain Book's dad Admiral Chad Bokington ...




... and another reason they both like me is my impressive CorpSpeak powers. When backed into a corner by suits, I have the amazing ability to turn on a serious, business-like corporate side of me. I rattle off numbers and plans and goals and ways to better sell and motivate. I talk in a slightly deeper voice and I have a firm handshake and my face becomes a look of seriousness. It makes me look serious and businesslike and the suits and managers love it.


But its just an act. it's some theatrical character that I use when suits ask me questions. It's not really me. It's a joke. And I usually can't control it. it just turns on and I go with it. And it makes me DEEPLY uncomfortable, like I just somehow betrayed myself.


Again, not looking forward to today.

Monday, March 10, 2008

My 800th Post: The Storytime Dogpile ...

I had another successful storytime this evening at the Roseville California Family Fitness, the end somehow saw me getting dogpilled by a ton of kids. I did my "nap time" bit, then when I woke up I decided to blame Isabela. While chasing her, the kids chased me and the next thing you know I have twelve kids on top of me. It was an amazing spur of the moment ending to a wild storytime.






This is my 800th post since 2002. If there is better proof of my lack of friends, I don't know what it is.


Wind clan out, y'all!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Damn That Was Amazing ...




I did it. Guilty as charged.


It's over now and I'm back at home. My awesome pimp night is done and over with. And I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter, more confident, like I can breathe better. I did it. I can't believe I did it but I did.


And you know what? I feel GREAT! I really do! Any worries I had before, they're gone with the wind. I feel amazing, great, wonderful, sweet, awesome, killer, rock star, totally top of my own private goddamn world. It's that mental teflon I talk about occasionally, that feeling like you're a hardcore awesome ass pimp untouchable golden god. Yeah. That is totally me right now.


So that's that. I'm gonna finish this beer and get my ass to bed.


Wow. What a great day. It's been a LONG ASS TIME since I've honestly felt this good.