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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

How Awesome I Am ...

Emerald is off to camp. Church camp. She's been so excited these past few weeks. She left yesterday morning. Then my wife went to help her brother and his wife move into our complex and then she went and picked up a new couch for us and all of that took most of the day. It ended up being me and Isabela alone for the whole day, really lonely and sad.

God I miss Emerald so much.

I'm going in to work today. I actually have two days off, yesterday and today, but I'm going in today for storytime. I probably shouldn't go in for storytime but I'm smack dab in the middle of summer and my crowd numbers have been getting bigger and bigger. I don't want to leave a storytime with an audience of 30 or 40 kids to someone who doesn't want to do storytime, you know?

That's why I'm going in today. It's because I'm awesome.

I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar or manic depressive. I need to get a psychiatric evaluation but I'm afraid to. And besides, I don't even know how to go about that without spending money I don't have. And what makes this all difficult is there's that part of my brain that's my father saying that this is all bullshit and that I'm making this all up and that I'm waisting my time taking pills.

Yesterday I was really depressed and lonely and dark. But right now I'm feeling happy and high and manic and cool. Hopefully that feeling will last.


Anonymous said...

There may be free services avalible in your area, but I don't know what they are. My girlfriend sees a doctor for free at a clinic and she gets her meds free through some kind of program, and she's on some pretty expensive stuff. I'll get you as many details as I can, but if I forget, you can grab me at

Rock On!!!

The Bunster

Reverend Steve said...

I would really appreciate that.

A lot.

Anonymous said...

Are you ignoring me or something, sir? I offered to point you in the right direction on your last post and you didn't respond.

Reverend Steve said...

Gwen, I'm not avoiding you. What you posted helped. I'm just trying to understand what I need and what I should do. I'm new to this. I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. I should go and see someone myself but then I am afraid to even do that. I am stuck in a never ending cycle!! I hope you figure it all out!! My thoughts are with you.

Unknown said...

i'm really sorry you're not doing well steve. ocd runs in my family and i know from personal experience how dehabilitating that and clinical depression can be. please give me a call if you want 626-482-1315 or email me with yours number if you want. i want to listen...