Doc says I have to have my days off consecutive for further treatment, further treatment being my doctor's way of saying "trying to mellow the fuck out."
My family just came back from church. We're eating lunch together and then after that we're all going to go on a drive and just go somewhere.
Doesn't matter where we go, just that we go.
I'm not better but I'm definitely trying.
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Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Isabela is turning out to be a real problem. She's going to be three next month. She can talk almost perfectly and she's essentially potty trained. But she has this huge temper and if she doesn't get her way she just explodes. Screaming, crying, kicking, hitting. She goes nuts. Super baby freak out. And she's been doing this A LOT!
I've been really into The Big Lebowski ever since it came out. Unlike people who discovered it on video or dvd, I saw it the DAY it came out! I saw it with my girlfriend at the time Sarah Snow and her mother and father. It was a pretty bad group of people to see it with. Sarah's mom was offended, Sarah's dad was incoherent, and Sarah was just a bitch. But I fell in love with that movie. I saw it about seven times in the theater, then bought the vhs and began memorizing and quoting it everywhere I went.
Now, almost ten years later, the movie has become a cult phenomenon. I just read a HUGE article in the new Rolling Stone about the film and its sudden rise in popularity. Great article.
It's funny. I've seen the movie a million times but I've never taken the time to try and get a message from it. The Dude Abides. Isabela's screaming, the kids are being whiny, and I'm doing good in staying calm.
The Dude Abides. That's what I'm trying to be today.
Well, I go back to work tomorrow. I hope I can handle it. I've been couchridden for over a week. PLUS the doctor doubled my dose of the happy pills so that I don't hurt myself anymore. Now for me to just jump back into the heavy work, I'm a bit frightened. I'm not sure I have it in me anymore. Thankfully the doctor's note saying i need to have a 15 minute break EVERY TWO HOURS will help me take it easy. I just hope I don't have a burnout. Again?
Anyway, wish me luck. Keep me in your thoughts tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
4) Frank Sinatra: 32
3) Ween: 34
2) The Beatles: 49
1) Eels: 57
What a CLOSE race! The Beatles, aided by some awesome new bootlegs I found in an old box, come just a few songs away from finally overtaking the Eels. Can they do it? or will my obsessed love for moody Eels music win out?
I don't know if anybody cares about my iPod top five. I find it cutely fascinating.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Back to the doctor today to check on my super staph. I was worried they would cut me up like they did the last two times, so I made sure I downed some vicodin before we went down there.
The results were great. No need to cut my leg up a third time. My leg is starting to heal. Apparently after almost a year of bad health my body is starting to get a bit of fight in it. I don't really need my crutches anymore unless I overdo it. It's still bleeding out puss but not too much. Its sore as hell and stings and I occasionally have to pop a pain pill or two but other than that as long as I take it easy these next few days then I should be good to go back to work this friday.
Plus my doc doubled the dose on my happy pills, so hopefully by friday I'll be good to go. I'm happy as hell to be going back to work.
My doc told me that since my life consists solely of going to work and then going home that a good way for me to lower my stress levels and possibly stop cutting is to spend a half hour or maybe an hour AFTER work but BEFORE going home to just go somewhere and do something I like. Alone.
And that sounds like absolute heaven to me.
So after work on friday I'm going to the Century Theaters by my work and asking whoever is working the ticket booth if I can come in and play pinball. I love pinball so damn much. A few examples ... 1/2. I played an insane amount of pinball when I was in college. I would ditch classes just so I could play pinball at the union. Playing pinball alone over at Arizona State made me feel so happy.
It might sound silly. But I'm really hoping that putting down a few bucks to play the silver ball will help me out a lot.
Plus maybe I'll sneak into a movie. You never know.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I'm trying to ditch the crutches. I'm trying to walk on two legs a little bit. I'm trying not to sleep all day and night. I'm trying not to be stuck on that damn couch all damn day. I'm trying not to pop vicodin like they're mentos. I'm trying to get better.
My wife, however, is limiting what I can and can't do. She doesn't want me to overdo it and hurt myself screw my leg up even more. And I fully understand her fears. What I have in my leg is a serious thing. I've been cut up twice now and I don't want to go for three. I want to get better and in order to do that I need to take my health seriously and take it easy.
But being stuck on that couch is driving me fucking insane! I like to move, to busy myself, to work hard and fast and move and walk. I don't want to spend all day sleeping on the damn couch!
I mean, it's good that I'm being forced to slow down and rest and all that. I was working way too hard and I was close to a burn out. Hell, this might BE my burnout. And it's good to have time with the kids and all that. I guess its a forced vacation, a forced couch vacation.
A forced couch vacation is much lamer than it sounds. It's like I've been benched. I've been benched. It's so frustrating having to spend most of my day on this damn thing. Plus we hardly have any food in this house save some bits here and there for the kiddies. I just want to stand up and run away but I can't because I'm benched.
We go back to the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully I won't have to get cut up some more.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Now the doc says I'm going to be gone for AT LEAST another week. Now I'm couchridden watching the same old shit and feeling like somehow I've let my family down.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Anyway, I'm rambling. I leave for the doctors in about an hour. Wish me luck.
Here's some free music for your punk ass ...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
This is the true story of my leg "surgery." I put surgery in quotes because it was less a surgery and more a doctor repeatedly stabbing the hell out of my leg with various sharp instruments and then inserting something strange in me. It might get pretty graphic and there are a few pictures that I will share later that contain a lot of my blood.
So consider this a formal warning. Things might get a little graphic around here.
So, here we go.
At work on Sunday I started to have a slight pain on the back of my right thigh. It hurt like an itch, a small little pinch or something. I showed it to my wife because it was right behind my leg where I couldn't see it, and she said it wasn't anything, maybe a bite or something, maybe a pimple, nothing to worry about.
So on Monday I went to work. And I was on fire on Monday, walking around, almost running from ringing up at the registers to greeting and helping people on the floor to answering phones at the info desk to going into receiving and getting books to shelve to kids to help people in my department and zoning and a million other things. That's something I wish management would realize. I'm not only good at my job in my department but I'm also good at a hundred other jobs all over the store.
Anyway, all that walking really made my leg painful. It started off small and then by the time I was driving home I was near tears. I came home and almost immediately after walking thru the door I pulled my pants down to show my wife whatever was there. I couldn't see it but I knew it hurt like ten bitches in a bitch boat. And apparently it was bad because my wife called her mom over and they argued over what it was. My mother-in-law the doctor hater said it was nothing but a boil and that I shouldn't worry. My wife said that it was probably an infection and that it might become something serious and that we should rush to urgent care.
Eventually we called a nurse advice line and they said that it sounded like a pretty serious infection and that I should have been seen that day but since it was late when we called that I should go to the doctor first thing in the morning. Which is what we did.
AND NOW, my voluptuous wife Natasha will be taking over to explain what happened ...
Hello everyone. It's Natasha. I am drinking coffee and trying to figure out where to start. I am aware that he already warned you, but this is gonna get graphic.
So we get him to the doctor, the nurse has him strip down half naked and put on one of those gowns to cover his man bits. Well I sat there reading an article in MedMD magazine about vagina's when the doctor came in and had a look at Steve's leg.
I told him that we thought it could have been a boil or some sort of ingrown hair gone wrong (infected).
He said yes, it was an infection (which we already knew) and that there seems to be a "head" to it and may be puss underneath. He felt the area and saw how tight it was and how badly even the slightest touch hurt my husband. He said chances are it could be a clogged follicle that had gotten infected. He said that we had two options. We could go home and let him rest up with hot wet compress' on his leg until it comes to furition and starts draining on its own, which could take a long time, forcing Steve to be in even more pain because the skin would tighten even more and get even more sensitive, not to mention that there was a good chance that he would endure further, deeper infection in his leg.
OR we could have him (the doctor) numb up the area and open it up and drain it here in the office which would relieve a lot of the pressure and tightness and he would feel better immediately, which is what the doctor suggested.
So I left it up to Steve. Now had we known NOW what we know, he may have decided to just go home with hot a hot compress.
Well The doctor says ok we will get this taken care of and then we ask him about a couple other things real quick then he is off. He comes back with the proper surgical tools and a needle full of his choice of novicane. He then unwraps everything, then tells Steve, ok now this is going to pinch a bit, the medicine burns a little bit going in too.
Now let me tell you, Steve was thinking he would get one shot of medicine and everything would be fine.
This mo' fo' stuck my husband well over 20+ times! He ran out of medicine and had to go get a NEW needleful.
After torturing my husband with the medicine for a good 10 min, he lets him sit to numb up. That is when I took this photo of his leg. Mind you this blood is not all the blood that had dripped cause the doctor had wiped some away.
Ok so after sitting for a little while the doctor comes in and feels around on his leg a bit to find a good spot. Then he takes the scalpel and does a small gentle slice then immediately stabs deep into his leg. No joke people, STABBED my husband with the scalpel. It was awesome and disgusting at the same time. I wouldn't have cared if it wasn't my husband but since it was I kinda flinched when I saw the blood gush out as soon as he stabbed deep inside his thigh.
After he did this he set down the scalpel and began to squeeze the wound like it was a pimple. He squeezed and the blood gushed out onto the gauze he was holding getting all over Steve's legs and the doctors hands. Then not too long after he started squeezing a little puss came out, looked like the stuff that comes out of a pimple too! It was kinda creepy.
He takes a culture of the puss and sets it aside then begins squeezing some more, only more blood. He decides to pick up the scalpel again to cut and stab deep into my husbands thigh, yet again, opening up the incision even more. More blood oozing out.
While he did this my husband was in extreme pain. When the doctor numbed him, he didn't go deep enough to numb it all up. So he was biting his hand.
After not getting much more but blood out of his thigh he takes the small surgical scissors, stabs those deep into his leg and moves them around telling me "There could be a pocket of puss that needs to be opened up or that the puss may not have been completely formed yet." He moves them around, opens them up, cuts around a little bit then takes them out. After squeezing some more and not getting anything, he takes them once more, stabs them deep into the incision again, moving them around and cutting again.
Now do you remember when I told you that he didn't numb my husband all the way through? Well by this time he has bit into his hand hard enough to, almost, break the skin. He felt the doctor stab into his leg repeatedly with a scalpel and surgical scissors, then cut around. I have had two c-sections but of course couldn't feel anything but pressure. If I were my husband I would have kicked the doctor in his face and told him to numb me up more! It had to hurt so bad!
Ok at this time he squeezes more then a good amount of puss comes out, looked like a HUGE pimple and he wiped it away with the gauze. Then after a little more squeezing he determined that the puss needed more time to form.
It was at this point the doctor took a long piece of surgical fabric, kinda like a string, and said "I'm going to put this in, like a wick, to help the puss drain as it form."
So he stabbed this tampon string as far as he could into the back of my husband's thigh. He told me that it didn't go deep enough so it may end up falling out but that would be ok.
Then after my husband's legs were covered in blood, inner thighs had blood pooled on them (he had to lay on his left side for all of this) the doctor says, see you back in two days for this and the nurse will bandage you up.
So I told Steve that the nurse should clean him up not to worry about the blood. Well, the bitch didn't, I had to do it when I changed the dressing. I have to change it every time it bleeds through. I have only had to change it twice so far and the wick/tampon string is still in his leg! That is how good I am.
So here is a picture of the surgical tools and some of the bloody gauze pads as well as his thigh with the sting hanging from the incision.
If you look close you can see the large amounts of blood covering the inside of his thighs. and the blood that is all dried on and near the wound. That large trail of "blood" is actually the bloody string hanging out of the incision.
I will leave this blog back to my husband now. I am going to change his bandages now and I am going to take a picture of his incision so you can see how bruised it is from all the needle, scalpel, and scissors stabbing that occurred.
Heres Steve, it was a pleasure writing for you.
P.S. I never got to finish that article on vagina's either.
My wife just took the dressing off and the wick thing had fallen out. The wick was a whole lot LOOOOOONGER than I expected. It was infinitely gross. PLUS now there's this seemingly unending bloody hole in my leg which makes it impossible for me to walk, hence the crutches.
Here are some SUPER gross pics for your punk asses, courtesy of the bloody ass Wind Clan ...
She then SQUEEZED my bloody leg hole to try and fish out some of that dangerous puss. It hurt more than anything ever hurt before. The screams I screamed into that pillow where the screams of ultimate pain.
Well, that's my story. It's probably too long but I don't really care. I'm on crutches now. I can barely walk. It's pretty lame.
I go back tomorrow morning to get my thigh re-checked. Natasha thinks he might want to cut it up some more. God, I hope not.
Anyway, wish me luck.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I get so worried. There's just so much that I don't know, so much she doesn't tell me because she doesn't want me to know.
I'm so tired. Why am I doing this to myself? Why?
I just erased two paragraphs from the end of this post. It started to sound angry and i'm not angry. I'm just tired and lonely and pathetic.
I need to go to bed now. I don't want to go to church tomorrow. I never do, really. here's to hoping I don't have to go.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
This bad ass little kid was at my last Star Wars storytime, the one where I had Darth Deinna attack. Having Deinna as a character was awesome and the audience was really responsive, lots of older kids and a lot of them dressed up like this bad ass mofo in the picture up there. Doesn't he look awesome? Seeing this picture totally makes me miss my childhood. I want to lay down on the floor under a blanket with my brother and watch Star Wars recorded from tv onto a beta tape.
So I've been dressing up, trying to look my age (31) and be more professional. And things have been going good. Real good. I mean, sure it's hot as hell outside but its actually done wonders for my self esteem. I have the nice ties and the nice shirts and the belts and the nice shoes and occasionally my hat. It's like I was single and drunk and alone and then suddenly I blink my eyes and I'm a husband and father of two, you know? So for the last, what, five years (???) I've been a father and husband. But when I looked in the mirror and saw myself I still saw the pathetic drunk single comedic loner.
So that's why I bough an expensive suit and a vest and started looking good. Now I look at myself in the mirror and I actually like what I see. I see a mature thirtysomething father and husband. I like how I look now. I think that when I wear the suit and the hat I either look like a Guys and Dolls reject or kind of like a Rat Packer, which coincidentally fits my recently huge Frank Sinatra fix quite nicely ...
That's a picture of me, hat and wife beater and all, on the computer feeding my iPod. Emerald took this picture. She's been taking a lot of pictures with my phone lately. I think she's going through that girlie "I'm a photographer" phase that pretty much every woman goes thru at some point in their life. I was hoping she'd go thru this in her teens, you know, taking black and white pictures of butterflies instead of being some sort of slut. But she might be going thru a photography phase now and it's my job to nurture it.
I just learned that my wife goes nuts when I spell through like thru. That's fascinating.
Dogs are smarter than babies.
Another youtube video, this one is Sammie doing amazing work in the movie version of the musical Sweet Charity. Amazing stuff, check it out ...
For some strange reason I am obsessed with this song. Hell, I've never even seen the musical. But there's something about this song, about this VERSION of the song, about damn genius Sammie Davis Jr. singing and dancing and showing why he's a genius. It's an amazing song and an amazing video. I love it so much. I guess it's just my inner high school theater fag coming out. I miss it.
There's a bit of drama on the family front. Bit crazy tension around here. Here's a reprinting of a bit of my wife's myspace blog ...
Current mood: disgusted, irate, angry
I have been informed that one of my nieces has been injured.
While in the care of her very own mother.
This isn't the first time that any of her four kids have been injured to the point they needed medical assistance. I do hope, however, it is the last.
She came home on Sunday night from her mother's with a really bad diaper rash, so bad in fact, that it was bleeding. Then the father didn't know it because he comes here and has us take care of his kids and doesn't pay much attention to them, let alone change their diapers. Then the next day when he was informed about it, he said she didn't come home with it, even though he didn't know cause he hadn't changed her diaper since she had been home.
Then he brings them back to the danger zone that is their mother's home. Just to find out that he has to come home early from work to get her medical card and take her to the doctor. Why? Are you ready for this?
She pulled a table onto her face!!!
Thats right folks. Lifetime worst mother in the world award goes to this fucking tramp.
Where were you, bitch? You know the baby is only 7 months old and tries to pull herself up on couches and tables and things, you should have been watching her. OR if you were being too lazy or too busy being a fucking slut, put her in the crib so you know she was out of danger.
I want to thank everyone who has been posting on my blog, posting words of encouragement. That means a lot. And a special thank you to Bunster. You gave me your phone number and that's awesome. That means a lot to me that there are people out there who care about me. I'm having some personal problems and some mental problems. I'm having anxiety attacks and migraines and my mood changes with the speed of an iPod shuffle.
And I've been cutting myself. A little bit.
I admitted that in my stupid blog and I wasn't going to admit it here. I mean, fuck, my parents read this shit apparently. But there it is. I did it. I've been cutting myself. I don't know why I do it and I know i shouldn't and I'm stopping. I know that I need to get some psychiatric help. And I will. I don't know how but I will.
But really, thank you everyone for supporting me. I know I'll be fine. It's just going to take some time.
And seriously, here's to being happy and staying happy.
Perez Prado: Bahia
Andy Kaufman: Rose Marie (Live on Letterman)
Schoolhouse Rock: No More Kings
Eels: I Can't Help Falling In Love
John Lennon: Working Class Hero
Eagles of Death Metal: Keep Your Head Up
Guns 'N' Roses: Don't Cry
Bad Religion: Come Join Us
Hot Chip: Wrestlers
Eels: Checkout Blues
WWE: Rated R Superstar (Edge's Theme)
Blues Traveler: Hook
Perez Prado: Love Child