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Friday, November 14, 2008

Random Friday Night Feelings ...

It's a friday night. Emerald is next door eating dinner. I don't mind. That means more pizza for me. Natasha is outside watching O.C. while my youngest runs around the house naked and screaming and pretending she's Jeff Hardy. Pretty cool for a three year old. Right now on tv Jeff Hardy is fighting The undertaker in an extreme rules match. pretty good match but ever since I read Bret Hart's new autobiography my heart hasn't been in wrestling. What I liked is dead. it's fun to have on in the background but its not the love I used to have.

My mind is swimming right now. I've been very coherent of my mind lately, probably all the pills I've been taking. I'm on Paxil, then a pill for my (possible) bipolar disorder. It's a big white pill that calms me down, makes me dizzy, makes me feel my mind in a way I can't fully explain.

I've been having a hard time with things lately. I can't shake this feeling inside myself, this feeling that something is wrong. It's paranoia and fear I feel and I feel it all the time. Something's wrong. Something's going on. Things are happening behind my back. People are talking. People are lying. That's how I feel.

My mind is like my iPod. I think I've said this before. This is the best way that I can explain it. My mind is my iPod. There's Sinatra, Neil Diamond, then Anthrax, then the theme from Destroy All Monsters, then Magnetic Fields, then loud and angry Buckethead guitar riffs. Then Spike Jones. That's how my mind is. I'll be happy, then out of nowhere a song or a sentence or a look or sometimes just nothing will somehow change the song inside my head and I'll be angry or afraid or panicked.

I can't explain it. There's no way I can explain what's going on in my mind without sounding batshit insane.

I have scars for life. They're visual reminders of the subconscious problems that are in my mind.

Don't worry, though. I'm on vacation. I'm doing nothing, taking naps, and trying to sweat out the stress.

And I think all's well. For now.

This is post #925, Yay me!


Gwen L. said...

Steve, please see a counselor. You know I love you, Natasha, and the kids and I really want to see your family happy and healthy.

You are on vacation and I think you should call Monday morning first thing and find someone to see right away.

Please do this Steve. The medications alone are not going to fix this. Once you get some help, and start getting on the road to feeling better, you're going to be amazed at how good you feel.


Reverend Steve said...

I think I will, first thing monday.

Thank you Gwen.


Gwen L. said...

Yes! If you guys can drive over, drive my ass to the store to get food, etc etc.

Reverend Steve said...

I'll talk to the wife. What are you doing tomorrow night?

Gwen L. said...

Being home alone because the kids are at their dad's.

Reverend Steve said...

Cookout tomorrow night?

Gwen L. said...

Natasha said something earlier tonight about needing to really conserve on gas. If it's changed and you guys want to come over then hell yes.

Reverend Steve said...

We'll see then. That's a maybe.

Anonymous said...

I recommend the book, Cutting. It helped me to understand my daughter's addiction.