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Monday, January 26, 2009

My Day With Isabela ...

I have the day off today. No work. That's nice. We're cleaning the whole store. Snapback is what they call it. And all the cleaning and dusting is driving me crazy. I can barely breathe in there. So it's nice to be able to breathe today.

There's been something wrong with me lately. I'm tired all the time and coffee gets me jittery but doesn't help with the whole tired thing. I'm losing my energy. It's not fun.

I just thought I'd write a bit here.

I want to write a book. I really do. Something big and long and personal. But I don't know what to write about. I could write about my life here in Sacramento and my move from Arizona to California. I've filled seven massive books with diary entries. I could transfed that into some sort of novel. But I just don't know. My life back then was so drunk and my life right now is so scandalous and dark and personal. There's some bad things in those diaries, stuff I don't think I could share.

I just don't know what I should write, if anything. I feel like I have all this creative energy inside me and it's just busting at the seams to try and get out. I just don't know what to do.

I'm spending the day with Isabela. She's a sweetheart. She really is. It's just that she wants to always have her way. She gets that from Natasha. She looks like me and acts like my wife. That's a dangerous combination. But today has been fun. After a morning of playing and cuddling she's now having some cheese and watching nonstop Pokemon. Relaxing, I guess. I just have cabin fever. I want out, you know?

I have free movie passes. And every monday I say that I'm going to go off on my own and treat myself to a movie. But there's nothing I want to go see. Gran Torino? Eh. Maybe. The Wrestler? I like wrestling, but I don't want to get depressed. That movie will depress me. I kinda want to watch My Bloody Valentine. I have horror movies and I'm easily frightened. But I think the shitty Ed Wood factor would make it fun.

I think I'm in a rut. I'm almost 32 years old. I never thought I would live this long. I never thought I'd have a house and a car and kids. I never thought I would be here, living in California and working and wearing a suit and a tie. I NEVER thought I would have this life.

It's like the song from Aimee Mann 31 Today when it says "I thought my life would be different by now. I thought my life would be better somehow." That's about it. I'm happy where I am. I love my kids and my house and my storytimes and everything. Things are good. I just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that this is my life, the life of a dad and a respectable adult.

I really hope I go to Spain. I've never been across the pond, so this would be a first, a once in a lifetime event. I hope it happens. I really want to go.

Here's some more relaxing lounge music for your punk ass ...

Stan Getz: Desafinado

Desi Arnaz: Tico Tico

Yma Sumac: Gopher

Harry Connick Jr: A Wink And A Smile

PJ Harvey: The Wind

Andrew Bird: Tenuousness


Anonymous said...

Man!! You can't even imagine how I undestand you. When I turned to 31 I saw that the metalhead teenager who studied Literature had become a married man,a teacher, owned a house and run its own school, but, in my case,fortunately not yours, though I had plenty of things I loved, I was kinda stuck in my relationship after 11 years, so I got divorced, nevermind how disturbing for my calm it was.

Now I'm 33, a teacher yet, play drums in a postmetal band, I'm writing a book about pretty fucked up things, I'm taking a course to improve my scriptwriting skills in order to write a horror movie, and still don't have peace of mind!!

It sounds quite depressing, but it isn't, I just mean that life is a bloody twister and, no matter how hard you try to settle, changes keep on coming!!!!

JohnnyTieugi said...

Maybe, if you are really ready to submerge yourself into writing a novel, you could take what you've written in your journals but give those experiences to a fictional character. It may make it easier to share the dark moments. If you put it into an alter ego, for example, no one can say for certain that those were your personal experiences. Kind of like Hunter S. Thompson using the Raoul Duke character. Just a thought, but it could work for you.