There's been something wrong with me lately. I'm tired all the time and coffee gets me jittery but doesn't help with the whole tired thing. I'm losing my energy. It's not fun.
I just thought I'd write a bit here.
I want to write a book. I really do. Something big and long and personal. But I don't know what to write about. I could write about my life here in Sacramento and my move from Arizona to California. I've filled seven massive books with diary entries. I could transfed that into some sort of novel. But I just don't know. My life back then was so drunk and my life right now is so scandalous and dark and personal. There's some bad things in those diaries, stuff I don't think I could share.
I just don't know what I should write, if anything. I feel like I have all this creative energy inside me and it's just busting at the seams to try and get out. I just don't know what to do.
I'm spending the day with Isabela. She's a sweetheart. She really is. It's just that she wants to always have her way. She gets that from Natasha. She looks like me and acts like my wife. That's a dangerous combination. But today has been fun. After a morning of playing and cuddling she's now having some cheese and watching nonstop Pokemon. Relaxing, I guess. I just have cabin fever. I want out, you know?
I have free movie passes. And every monday I say that I'm going to go off on my own and treat myself to a movie. But there's nothing I want to go see. Gran Torino? Eh. Maybe. The Wrestler? I like wrestling, but I don't want to get depressed. That movie will depress me. I kinda want to watch My Bloody Valentine. I have horror movies and I'm easily frightened. But I think the shitty Ed Wood factor would make it fun.
I think I'm in a rut. I'm almost 32 years old. I never thought I would live this long. I never thought I'd have a house and a car and kids. I never thought I would be here, living in California and working and wearing a suit and a tie. I NEVER thought I would have this life.
It's like the song from Aimee Mann 31 Today when it says "I thought my life would be different by now. I thought my life would be better somehow." That's about it. I'm happy where I am. I love my kids and my house and my storytimes and everything. Things are good. I just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that this is my life, the life of a dad and a respectable adult.
I really hope I go to Spain. I've never been across the pond, so this would be a first, a once in a lifetime event. I hope it happens. I really want to go.
Here's some more relaxing lounge music for your punk ass ...