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Sunday, January 4, 2009


Sunday, July 21st, 2002

WWE Vengance just started and my brother and I are in his dark bedroom watching it. It's good. This is good. It's getting my mind off of a ton of things, almost all of which are about Collyne. Damn. I just spilled my beer all over this page. Joe laughed at me. Had to dry my book off and everything. Lame.

Last night was a real big mess, another loud, messy, drama filled bar night. Every night of my life seems to be another loud, messy, drama filled bar night. Way too much drinking and drama, even more than usual because it was my brother's girlfriend's birthday. It was also the last night for our good friend and karaoke lady Katrina. Well, lets just digitally morph to the end of the night. Jason's girlfriend was vomiting badly right outside the front door and was about to pass out. That meant our ride wanted to leave early. But some people didn't want to leave just yet. Joe didn't want to leave at all. There was arguing and everything. It was a big mess. It was drama that I didn't want to be a part of. So I avoided it at all cost.

During that half hour or so of utter confusion, Collyne cornered me outside of the bar alone. She apologized that this break-up with Ricky "didn't go the right way" that she had hoped and then told me that although she had doubts that the two of us could last as a couple, she could no longer hide the fact that she wanted me badly. She then held my hand and told me point blank that she had no idea how or when but that one day soon she WOULD have me. Well, shit. What the fuck do I say to THAT, huh? And only a few weeks ago Katrina told me basically the same thing. I looked into her eyes and took a deep breath. Then I told her. I told her how I wanted her, too. How I wanted to be with her. How lonely I was. How I wanted to be with her ever since I first met her. How if I have to see the two of them together just to be near her then I will.

And then we kissed.

We stole kissed the whole night. And then when we were about to leave Ricky asked me if him and Collyne could crash at our house. I said it was ok because my parents were gone for a few weeks. So it was around 2:30 in the morning when we got to my house. I decided to crash in front of the tv for a while. Ricky and Collyne went into my parent's bedroom. They said they were going to bed. But when it came time to sleep I couldn't. The walls were shaking. I heard noises. Sex noises. They were doing it in my house AND in my parent's bed and just a few hours after she professed her love to me. I was crushed. I was crushed AND I had to try and sleep while just one wall away the apparent love of my life was fucking her husband. I felt more hurt and alone.

I woke up early, got the coffee going, and went outside for a smoke. Collyne woke up right when I was lighting up. She found me sitting down on the steps of the front porch. Our eyes met in a deep silent stare. She just put her arm around me and joined me in a smoke. We said nothing. That was my morning. Now I don't know what to feel except sorrow and loneliness. What the hell is going on with my life? Ever since the Debmonster cheated on me in Arizona my life has spiraled downwards into a Bizarre Kafkaesque or perhaps Gilliamesque nightmare that just seems to get darker and darker with each drunken night.

I've loved and lost and loved and lost and loved and lost and now I'm in this all too familiar pit. But just because I'm familiar with it doesn't make it hurt any less. And now I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

And did I mention that a forty year old woman at the bar gave me a handjob last night? I feel strangely guilty about that.



Anonymous said...

Hey, Steve. It's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep, so I have been sitting here skimming through your blog a bit. I looked at your entries from around the time Bela was born, and you really seemed happy. I mean happy despite the initial understandable terror over her health problems at birth. It reminded me of when you guys used to come over and we had a genuine good time. It also reminded me of how much you and Natasha were there for me when I was breaking down during the divorce.

I think you should post journal entries from your past, but I think it would be a good idea to post happy stuff. I worry that if you start posting the shit that happened to you years ago it'll just keep you bogged down in the depression you're already battling.

I also think you guys need to come over, have virgin mixed drinks, dinner, and loud games with me again.

Reverend Steve said...

Thanks Gwen. I won't post just the bad pitty Steve crap. I'll try to focus on the good shit, too. And yes, we totally should party sometime soon.

Anonymous said...

As a reader, this stuff has always made great reading. A lot of conflict and drama.

As an invisble friend, I think you should close the book on this shit and leave it in the past. So, basically, I agree with Gale.

MORE GODZILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I had more time to write to you. We have many things in common.

The Bunster.