NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest or, you wuss!


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Random Splinters Of Heavenly Wood ...

I'm going to church tomorrow, the "sit down, stand up, pray, sing, listen to a 45 minute lecture about how much you suck" sort of church. Very fake happy. Lots of singing. Very Jesus-ey. Way too touchy feely and huggy for my taste but I deal. The kids all love me and the adults all act happy to see me but they eyeball me like they're suspicious of my goings on, like they don't trust me or something. And there's a shitload of Koreans at church, too, Koreans from deep in the rice paddies with thick accents that I can't understand. It drives me nuts sometimes.

Tell you the truth, to deal with church I usually take a handful of my pills and just zonk out. And sometimes I take a detour to the bathroom. They keep the newest issue of National Geographic in the men's room for some strange reason. I read the most amazing things whilst taking thine holiest of shats. I try reading the mag at work but it's not the same. In my heart National Geographic belongs in the pooper.

I like the occasional guest appearance at church but I have a HUGE problem with the time. The service lasts anywhere between an hour and a half to two and a half hours. I like the mass and being there with my family and spirituality and all that but COME ON, PEOPLE! Get your shit together! I want to go to church, not lose over half my day! That's why I like the Catholics. A Catholic mass is as RIGIDLY timed as a FOOTBALL game! Catholics have scripts! This isn't a Christopher Guest movie where you get to ad-lib your way around the bible for a half a day. Shit, bitch, I got THINGS to do!

Every time I go to that church my religious tattoo itches ...

... and speaking of my tattoo, I found somebody on Facebook. He lives in the deep south, he's a follower of my religion AND he got a matching tattoo! There's someone out there with my same Ed Wood religious tattoo! How crazy is that?

I'm a big deal. I'm big in Europe, in Germany, and I'm MASSIVE in Spain. I've been preaching and pomoting The Church of Ed Wood for so long that I'm slowly spreading my madness all over the globe. And yet I'm lonely and sheltered and alone and often times depressed. Therein lies my troubles. I've changed lives, saved lives, and hundreds of thousands of people worldwide listen to me and see me as a holy man and yet I have no computer and no food and I'm broke as fuck.

I'm big, though. I'm semi-quasi famous worldwide.

I tell myself this when I'm lonely. It only partially helps me.

Here's a story of something that happened today, something that shows the power of my religion and my strong religious beliefs.

I called my wife before I left from work. I told her I felt like going to the comic book store on my way home. She asked me why. It was a fairly strange request. I haven't been to a comic book store in a very long time. Being broke, my love for comic books was one of the first frivilous expenses to go. But I just felt like going. And I asked her AHEAD OF TIME if I could spend five or six bucks. Well, turns out it was fate. It was fate and luck and the spirit of Wood guiding me. Because what was waiting for me when I got there? The comic book sequel to Ed Wood's magnum opus, entitled "Plan 9 From Outer Space …Strikes Again!"

It was fate, I tells you. I could sense the power of the Wood!

And speaking of Ed, being broke means I can't afford to go see the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Rifftrax) make fun of "Plan 9 from Outer Space" LIVE!

I should be there. It's my religious duty, dammit! I created my own religion thirteen years ago. THIRTEEN! And yet I can't afford to go.

Being broke sucks ass.

1 comment:

Varsenik said...

A cell phone pic of my tattoo, the centerpiece of what will eventually be a full Wood-themed sleeve.