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Sunday, November 1, 2009

Natasha Galindo's Review of "The Thing With Two Heads" ...

The movie starts off simple enough. High class looking area. The title...The THING WITH TWO HEADS. Except heads duplicates underneath itself. Making...TWO HEADS! HA! It is a pun. A movie pun. That makes it FUNNY! Especially since there is a funny movie sound to go along with it.

Then Ray Milland gets out of the limo In a wheel chair. Seriously what is with this guy and wheelchairs? Did you see Frogs he was in a fucking wheelchair in that too! He was talking to the doctor about surgery. You think he is talking about his own, then they head down to the basement of the house to find inside a cage a gorilla with two heads! They were talking about THAT. Crazy. Mad scientist? Maybe.

There is a scene where they need to get the gorilla on the bed and get him sedated. Well the idiot who is giving him the shot misses the fucker and scares the thing. He escapes, knocks over the cripple and then, WHO LEFT THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN???? REALLY? You are doing surgery on a god damned gorilla for crying out loud. You leave the door open? Wow. Bunch of fucking geniuses! “Hey guys! We can put two heads on this one body but we don't know how to close a fucking door!”

The gorilla escapes the house! Why they didn't trank him before they put him on the table, no one will ever know. Again, the above statement applies. Oh Wood, the gorilla makes it out of there in record time. Makes its way to a convenience store and is found sitting there eating a banana with both hands and both mouths. I don't know if I have words for this. I just don't.

Ray Milland's character hires a new doctor, Dr. Williams. This doctor is very well known for his work. He is amazing I guess. He walks in and Dr. Max's face says it all. He didn't know that he was a black man. OHHHH!!! Max doesn't want to hire him! Then Black Dr puts him in his place. Letting him know that he has a legal and binding contract and he intends to see it through. You go boy! I had a dream and all that! Ray Millano gives him only the promised six month trial. Letting him know that is all he is getting. Obvious clue that this man is a racist! I mean, what do you think will happen? HUH?? I wonder. DUN DUN DUN....

They have the Gorilla on the table performing surgery. He calls the other doctor. Dr. Desmond. The Dr comes down to the basement where the Gorilla is still laying on a table covered by a sheet and the Dr doesn't ask about it at all. Seriously?? You only pay attention to the man laying on the other bed and not the HUGE body covered by a white sheet on the hospital bed on the other side of the room that is in plain view. I mean they didn't even bother hiding it from him! Until they show him the Gorilla. There ya go! Now he sees it.

You know, I would have been a little more like...”HOLY SHIT BATMAN! What are you doing with a fucking gorilla???” But this doctor? Dr. fucking Desmond? He is all like. “It's coo. I don't care. That operation was a success? That is fucking awesome! You think we can actually do this? Yeah Max, sure we can do this for you since you have nothing to lose. We can take an experiment that you preformed on a fucking gorilla and try it on YOU since you have TERMINAL CANCER in your chest that you happened to have hidden from everyone.” Yet, for whatever reason, he trusted these other nameless doctors to help him with the gorilla surgery instead of the man he is trusting with his own LIFE? Does that even make any sense? Not to me. I mean really? If I was Max, I would have trusted the men who helped me with a successful head/body transplant surgery and not some douche bag who is just jumping in and knew nothing of any of this and is taking it all like “Oh yeah, this is almost the most natural thing ever.”

Dr. Desmond has called in a favor to see if there was a man on death row who was willing to donate his body to science. For the transplant. You know. For Max. Since he is now in a coma and all. Cause he is dying and only has a short time to live. They are quickly running out of options. So they are taking a chance at getting some tattooed murders body. HA! Max may very well end up with a guy who has a fucking swastika on his back! That would be funny. Well. I guess since Max is all racist and shit it wouldn't matter, now would it? Damn shame. Fucking bastard. But he won't we know where this is going.

It is at this point that there is a man on death row who is going to “the chair”. His name is Jack Moss. He is black. He says he is innocent. He says that his girlfriend and his friends are close to proving it. So he wants to donate his body to science after all. Cause you know, this will get him 30 more days. He will be able to prove his innocence by then. That is what he is thinking.

The police roll up in HUGE numbers to the sick doctors house to bring Jack to them. When Dr. Desmond saw that he was black he just kinda let it go since there really was no other options. Then even though they said the man would be under complete police supervision at all times until he was executed they promptly leave. Only two of them waiting outside the basement door to protect it. Seriously? You leave a convicted killer in the basement with a mass amount of doctors and nurses and no other protection, and no handcuffs?

As they sedate “Big Jack” he is telling them that he got thirty more days. Dr. Desmond asks Jack if they explained that he won't survive this. He says yes. Then as he is going under he says that he got him thirty more days to prove that he is innocent. Which shocks the Dr slightly. You know how you can tell. ACTING! Watch his face! That is how you can tell.

They show a surgery scene in which there is entirely too little blood. None really. And the white mans head looks entirely too fake. They dub over all the talking.
Remove the white mans head then put it on Jack's body.
The cops outside are falling asleep. Great! Wonderful security guys. This is nice.

Max wakes up. Ohhhh....He is gonna be pissed!!!! He lifts the arm up and Max sees his arm is black. “IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?” Mwahahahaha! That is great. So you bring him a mirror. Yeah show him the monstrosity he has become. That is the best idea yet.

Jack wakes up freaks out and has to be knocked out. Ohhh but it was a close call! The cops almost came downstairs and found out. They can't do that. This is all super hush hush top secret.

Black Dr. (Dr. Williams) is asked to meet Dr. Desmond (the guy who came in the Gorilla room) at Dr. Kirshner's House. He is being asked for help just in case there is any rejection. The two headed Dr comes up with Pneumonia. OH will he die??? HELL NO! We haven't seen the best parts yet!

Ohhh Black Dr got snippy with that white bitch! Was all like “Bitch please! You almost made me get up off my black ass to come look for you, you're late for the injection! Get your white hoe ass down there.” They sent a nurse down in the basement with NO ONE ELSE THERE to inject Jack with the sedative. Really? How typical is that? What happens? He grabs her and injects HER! DUH! She is such a helpless fucking bitch too. Now he is all like I'm escaping and there ain't shit you can do about it.

He makes it to the house and of course he has the ONLY black man there to drive him. Great. I wonder where this is gonna go. They are going. Jack is in the back seat. Black Dr is driving. Then suddenly when Jack figures out that they are being followed he is somehow in the FRONT seat!!! He takes the wheel. Great. Oh here. While on the car chase, Jack loses the cop by stopping abruptly and making them pull up on to a small incline and unable to back up. Typical right? That is how I lose all the cops that chase me.

They end up hitting a fire hydrant and getting a flat. They run on foot. Because as we all know it is impossible to ever drive, EVER, on a flat tire. After sitting for a little while, cause Jack, who is completely innocent of the crime he was on death row for, said they were gonna stay there until dark (sure does know how to evade cops for being innocent and all) Max offers Black Dr. credit for the head/body transplant and HEAD of the new lab department (get the pun there, sorry I just couldn't help myself) and then Black Dr. calls him a bigot. I know soul brotha! The helicopter comes, the cops shoot at them, they run into some dirt biker racers and get a bike. They are getting out of there with the dirt bike. Wait. No. They are joining the race? What? Seriously? OH SHIT! All the racers are falling off their bikes and shit. They are the only ones on the dirt bike course now?

The white mans head position keeps changing! It is great. I can't help but laugh at it. On the bike it is more behind him every time he has to talk since he is clearly sitting behind him. Then in the far shots where he doesn't have to talk it is right next to the black man's head. Then it shows them close up and it is clearly right behind him again.

Oh wow. Oh here comes the cop car. You silly cop, you can't drive a car on a dirt bike race track! See!!! I TOLD YOU! Now your car is stuck grill first in the muddy water.

See this chase scene goes on for a while. It is ridiculous. I think that this could be a good movie, if the fucking chase scene wasn't so damn long. I mean seriously? It is like 20-25 min. And then how many cop cars are destroyed? Does this bike have an unlimited tank of gas? It should be running out of gas here soon shouldn't it? The cop changes his tire in the middle of the chase? Really? A flat tire stops you? The motorcycle/dirt bike shot they just gave us was brown hair. Not black hair of a black man or the gray hair of an old man. It was an obvious mistake to get the stunt mans hair in there. This is a ridiculously long chase scene.

This chase scene is STILL GOING!!! I wish I had kept count on the number of cop cars that have gone down while this magical gas tank dirt bike was STILL GOING! I want this bike. Not only that but this bike is carrying..... Oh there went another cop car. It is carrying a huge man and another average sized man.... there was another cop car, and yet another!!!

Awww... the cop who just changed his tire got ran into by another cop. He is MAD! Ha! The other cop looks all like “Dude, sorry. Then hangs his head like “Sorry.” and pouts!

Oh they think they got him.

Here comes the scene where they hit one another. I know it. I can FEEL it.

OHHH!!! IT HAPPENED! HEAD on collision!!! Get it? Head!

Another cop car down.

Yet there is always at least...

There goes one more. car on the trail. And only one. No others. When that one crashes, there is SOME HOW another there to crash!

OH SHIT! I think this chase scene is over!! HALF AN HOUR LATER! And countless number of cop cars. They drive off without a cop car in sight behind them. Lordy! This movie could be a good movie. Maybe, ok not really. It has potential. This chase scene though, makes it horrible. I mean for crying out loud!!!

Jack gets to his girl friends and she just stares all ok like. “You get into more shit.” “Are you all right?”

Really? Seriously? If my man, who was on death row, showed up at my house with another head on his shoulders I would not be so like... “Oh yeah, it is a crazy ccurance to have mo' fo's show up at my house with two fucking heads!” Well if it was STEVE that would be different. I think I may somehow expect that. But not some other guy. Especially a black man. I dated a black man for a while. They don't fuck around. They don't want no second head and shit.

Nice to meet you, does he talk? HA! Wow...

“Sure he does” ,... touches him

“Don't touch me!”

“Honey, I was wondering, do you have two of anything else?” Does this bitch want DP? At least she is wanting it from her own man!

LAUGHS! He laughed at her!

Wow... comedy?

Black Dr. is talking to jacks girlfriend, Delilah? Meanwhile Max is gaining strength. While Jack is sleeping Max discovers he can move his hands. Oh goody. You can control a body you didn't want to begin with cause it is BLACK!

“What do you have for desert? Watermelon?”

“Dr. max has got to go.”

HA! I like those lines.

They are going to cut the head of Dr Max Kirshner off Jack! Like we didn't see that coming. The broad doesn't want to fuck her man with that white man's head there. You saw it in that scene. She was all like, no baby, MAYBE WHEN I GET USE TO IT! Like she was gonna get use to fucking two men in the same body. Ugh.

Now Jack and Black Dr. are breaking into a medical supply facility. You know, for someone who is so innocent, Jack sure does know how to break into a place and disable the fucking alarm! He forgot the gun? Are you kidding? Wow, maybe he isn't a criminal. Idiot.

Max took control of Jacks body! HAHAHA! He knocked Black Dr the fuck out! Then he knocked out Jack! Crazy. Black Dr woke up and heard Max telling Dr Phillip Desmond that he was going to remove Jack's head on his own. Hmmm... useful information for Black Dr. to have? Yeah, probably.

14 Police VEHICLES! Were destroyed! That is what the report on the radio was saying. Insane. I'm pretty sure it was more. I seriously wish I was counting.

Now he is attempting to do the surgery himself. Ugh. Here comes Black Dr. and Jacks girlfriend. He stopped him. Duh. Did you think that he wasn't going to? What do you think will happen now? DUN DUN DUN!

Black Dr called Dr. Desmond to tell him that he better get to Max's house right away because he needs his help. Ohhh spooky, he didn't tell him who it was! Dr. Desmond arrives in the basement with another man and a nurse to find Max's head attached to the blood machine thingy with no body. Max is alive and tells him to find him another body fast.




OH HAPPY DAY! WHEN JESUS WALKED! You know they are gonna tag team that bitch later. She already asked if he had two of “anything else” Huh? Huh?


That was one of the greatest bad movies I have seen. I LOVE Ray Milland. First Frogs then this.

Well I hope that you enjoyed my commentary. I wouldn't really call it a review. I mean, that car chase scene....yikes!


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