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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I Don't Know What's Wrong ...

I don't know anything. I'm just not sure about anything anymore.

My meds are leaving me jittery and almost as shaky as Michael J. Fox. I have these nervous twitches that I can't stop doing and I don't know if anyone notices the way I wipe my lips repeatedly and tap my fingers on things and how I bite my skin and smell my fingertips. But I feel like a crazy person and I don't like feeling that way.

My work life is hectic and full of intense Machiavellian political maneuvering and various secret alliances, a lot like Survivor. I don't know who likes me and who doesn't anymore. I don't know myself. I think people are against me but I'm not sure who and I'm not sure why and, what's worse, I'm not sure if it's all just in my head. I'm pretty sure it's not all me being crazy. I'm paranoid but with good reason.

My home life is ... empty. I came home to a tomb today. The kids just fight against each other constantly and they won't listening to me. My wife is shut off and distant, wanting to just run off and escape. And I can't say I blame her.

I'm worried. I'm worried about a lot of things. I'm paranoid that bad things are going to start happening again, things that will break my heart and break my spirits, and that there will be nothing for me to do to stop it from happening.

I'm sorry.

This post is a fucking downer.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Well, I love you...In a butch, manly kinda way.

- Bunny

(P.S. So does Tasha. I read it on facebook, so it MUST be true)