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Sunday, February 28, 2010
Not Working Out ...
Apparently there was a break up a few days ago and apparently I missed it.
Now it's just living from day to day and just pretending to be happy, pretending that things are normal, pretending that things are happy and hunky dory and sane. Yup, nothing to see here. Just move along, fine citizens!
But when people are gone and it's quiet in the house she retreats to the two or three cell phones that she owns and that I am not allowed to touch, while I wallow in the internet and drown in my loneliness and stare at her, trying to figure out ways to either win her back or hurt her deeply for the things she's done to me.
I want to work things out. I really do. But have you ever tried spilling your guts and opening up your soul to a brick wall? It's impossible. It wont talk back, wont care about what you say. It's a wall. Walls don't change.
I feel stuck in my life, stuck here with my broken knuckles and my cuts and scars. I am a beaten down and broken man. I feel empty. I'm like a hollow chocolate bunny, except not chocolate because that's what my wife likes to eat now.
I feel like I've been robbed of my life, my identity, robbed of everything I have and everything I was. I feel like all I have left now are my darling daughters and my stupid ties and my pills and my bad fucking movies.
And tomorrow is another day of pretending that everything's alright.
She has no idea what she's doing to me. Or she DOES and she just doesn't care.
Read this while you can. It will probably be deleted.
I'm an open book but she's a total mystery, even to people who gave up seven years of their life to raise two daughters.