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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Post Traumatic Steve Disorder ...

So I went to my therapist again today. Wednesday is therapy day. Fun stuff, right? It was a really tough one for me today, too. See, the whole session was devoted to the robbery that I was involved in a few months back.


It really does feel like it was years and years and years ago, maybe in some sort of different life, you know, instead of happening to me just five months ago. It happened to a different me in a totally different life.

See, yesterday I learned that this monday there's a court hearing for the guy that robbed us. Two of the four of us were subpoenaed for the hearing. I did not get a subpoena, but I still feel the need to be there for the rest of the Gun Point Crew. I don't know if it'll be an open or closed hearing, but that doesn't matter. I'll still be there.

This news brought up a lot of feelings in me, so during my session today she had me relive the whole thing. It was tough, man, boy, it was fucking HARD. I cried a lot. It was supremely difficult. I was really glad that my wife was there for me at therapy.

But describing to her the way I felt at the time of the robbery and the way I feel now, it was clear to my doctor that I have
A) survivor's guilt, and
B) post-traumatic stress disorder.

And that's post-traumatic stress disorder from the robbery ON TOP OF the P.T.S.D. that I have from my sheltered and lonely and fairly traumatic childhood, which is a whole different kettle of fish. I'm also going thru more bouts of wanting to cut myself, although I haven't in a little over a week, and I'm also going thru problems with my medications, problems that might actually be making me want to actually do the cutting that I'm currently fighting myself about.

So it's all that PLUS I've been having asthma problems, random cry fits, and the repeated sensation that someone is choking me to death. What the fuck? I am a total wreck and I need help, more than I'm getting right now.

So next week I'll be setting up my appointment with my new psychologist. So with my therapist and my psychologist, I'll have a "team" (with finger quotes) of people helping me.

I called off of work tonight. The last thing I wanted after everything I've been thru was to close tonight. So I'm going to spend today and tomorrow watching Netflix and trying not to be invisibly choked to death.

Wish me luck.

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