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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Red Wrist ...

I know I shouldn't do this, but I can't stop.

It's all about my self-esteem. When you see me I usually seem happy and cocky, but I only pretend to love myself. My happiness, my cocky demeanor, it's almost always just an act. It's just a screen I put up to protect myself.

In reality, I am extremely emotional, extremely fragile, and I have a supremely low self esteem. I just absolutely hate myself. And when things get supremely rough for me I think that I'm the stupidest person in the world and want nothing more than to punish myself.

That's where the cutting comes from.

There's a lot of reasons that I did this...

For starters, my in-laws are leaving tomorrow. They live next door and we depend on them for a lot. They're moving to a supremely small town in Oklahoma Called Seminole to go "do God's work" or something, I don't know. It's finally hitting me that they're leaving and I feel so sad. I don't want them to leave. I don't want Deinna to move away. When they leave I'm gonna feel so alone. They asked us if we wanted to go with them and we said no. Can you imagine me living in a small town in Oklahoma???

I had my review and it wasn't as good as I had hoped. And it didn't even mention the part of this past year when someone snuck into my work, pointed a gun to my head, and I almost died. I'm scarred for life and they say that I have "approachability issues." Of course I do! I almost died! And I was brave in the robbery, too. I may have saved lives and I got nothing to show for it except post traumatic stress disorder and therapy bills.

Plus I'm having relationship problems. Serious ones. Don't want to get into it.

I just want to get to Woodmas.

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