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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Feelings VS Reality ...

Sometimes I feel depressed.

Sometimes I feel like an alien, not in a literal sense, obviously, but a stranger in a strange land. I mean I know that I'm different and all but sometimes I feel completely shut off from the rest of humanity. I feel like a hermit who goes out to work and occasionally to Walmart and Sam's Club.

sometimes i feel like crying for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world's against me, that humanity has some secret plan to drive me crazy and that everyone I don't personally know is a part of that plan to drive me nuts.

Sometimes I miss my mom. A lot.

Sometimes I feel that, try as I might, there must always be some sort of stupid drama in my life. All I want is a normal like. I want a normal family and a normal house and a normal job and normal friends and a white picket fence. But no matter how I try and better myself drama ALWAYS finds me.

Sometimes I feel like screaming and throwing a fit in a public place just to see if anyone would care.

Sometimes I feel like no one cares and everyone is against me. I sometimes get really dark and upset and quiet. I get angry because no one seems to care about me and the crazy ass life I have.

Sometimes I feel like never leaving the house. For the rest of my life.

Sometimes I feel like cutting myself. It's a way to punish me for being so stupid. i hate myself and when I find myself getting picked on then I use that negativity and proof that I'm right for hating myself, so I cut as a way to prove to myself that I am worthless.

Sometimes I feel crazy as fuck and I just want to die.

But those feelings aren't reality. I know that now.

Thanks to a year of professional counseling and therapy, I can safely say that I am NOT in fact going crazy. These feelings I sometimes feel are just emotions and they do not control me.

See, these feelings that I wrestle with are just an overall part of the bipolar disorder that I am trying to live with instead of fight. My bipolar disorder really kicked into high gear after the robbery last year. But, after spending a year talking my life over with my therapist, I can see how much I have improved. I am more in control of myself and my emotions. I feel better. I even feel a little bit better about myself.

I think I may even like my life right now.

And that's pretty cool.

R.I.P. Dolores Fuller.

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