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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Failure Of My Talent ...

Now that I have a newborn son in my hands I have been thinking a lot about my life and what went wrong.

Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I am happiny married to a nice, funny, big breasted woman, and we now have three amazing kids together. I have a job that I've somehow managed to hold for over eleven years now. And as far as my health is concerned I'm actually not doing that bad, surprisingly. My life, in and of itself, is by all means pretty darn good.

The BAD parts of my life, however, are pretty darn bad. We are extremely broke and we're having a hard time trying to afford our lives here. Sacramento is a rough city to live in. The cost of living is just way too high here. They keep raising our rent and the amount of houses around ours that are empty and forclosed is extremely sad. Our neighborhood keeps getting worse and worse. Things just keep piling up, bills and problems and drama and worries. We don't know if we can afford to keep living in our house or to have our kids in the private school that they love. I feel socially neutered. I feel lost and I just don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like a failure.

I would easily be a part of the Occupy Wall Street movement if I thought holding up a sign at a bank and shouting would actually change anything.

So I have been doing a whole lot of thinking here. The way that I see it is that there was a really bad thing that happened when I was younger and that if this hadn'd had happened then I think my life would be a lot better today than it really is. It's a pain, a failure, and a regret and not a day has gone by renently where I have not paused to think about it.

When I was in third grade our grade had a poetry reading. We were each given a poen and were told to memorize it so that we could read it aloud on stage at an event for our families and parents. Most kids were scared shitless. Some developed major stuttering problems. Some cried. And a few children weren't scared but could barely be heard, reading their poems with all the passion of a robotic "text-to-speech" function.

I seemed to be the only kid who wasn't scared and who saw this as a chance to act. I never really acted before and I always thought that acting wasn't that hard of a thing to do. You just pretend to be somebody else. How hard can that be? So I got up on stage and turned in an amazing performance. Everyone was amazed. I was such a shy kid but when it came to being on the stage I could always turn it on.

Ever since I was in third grade I was told I would grow up to be famous. And that is the WORST thing you could EVER do to a child!

I quickly started acting, mainly because I was pretty good at it and because the people around me, not my parents as much as the adults, the grown ups, the teachers, and all the others around me sort of LED me there because of my previous affinities in the area. And the more I acted the more I was always rewarded with a long list of teachers and adults all saying the same things: a number of speeches that all boiled down to different versions of the same thing. "Oh, Steve, you are going to be a star when you grow up! You are going to be rich and famous and on tv and in movies and I'm going to tell everyone I knew you way back when!"

I grew up acting, doing stand up, did a movie or two, acted in a number of plays, and I did everything I could do that could lead me to what I thought would be an eventuality to me. I was regularly told that I was extremely special and that I would end up being famous when I was older. Even when I was older and broke I still subconsciously believed that eventually things would turn around for me and that eventually I would get some sort of big break that would lead to the things that I was destined for.

What I'm trying to say is that EVERY kid in the world isn't amazingly special and destined for greatness. And what a fucked up thing it is to tell a little third grader that they WILL grow up to be famous.

I am done waiting for things to happen to me. I am also done with this California world. I'm done. This place bores me. It's old and grey in my eyes.

So It looks like we're moving. Probably. Maybe definitely. I just don't see anything keeping my family and I here anymore. I mean, what's the point?

Does anybody know about cheap places to live in Texas?

Or Arizona?

Or Oklahoma?

Or freaking ANYWHERE that's not here?

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