NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My Dream ...

Dreams.

I hate dreaming.

I hate dreaming because I don't normally remember ANY of my dreams, which really sucks.

HOWEVER, I will most DEFINITELY remember a dream, like the one I literally JUST had, which featured: treasure hunting with my wife and my old friend Tom Wegner, then seeing a giant skull drive thru a suburban area, then eating at a Denny's with a giant King Kong's foot going thru the middle, eating there with a Denny's full of old movie sort of cops, then getting locked in a comic book store and having Weird Al show up and give me coupons to a Sacramento craft fair!

And it strongly featured the music of They Might Be Giants.

What an AWESOME dream!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Special Make Up Edition ...

I just got the computer back, as evident by all the posts I have been rushing to publish today.

Anyway, now that I can truly post, here's a free Church-less M.O.T.W. to make up for lost time.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from dvd drive-in.com, imdb, and I like horror movies ...

"All The Colors Of The Dark is a 1972 Italian language horror film directed by Sergio Martino. It was released in America by Independent International under the title They’re Coming to Get You in 1975. The film was also released in the US under two alternate titles: Day of the Maniac and Demons of the Dead.

In Video Watchdog No. 39 Tim Lucas estimates that about 5 minutes of footage was removed from the US version and notes four major scenes that have been removed.

Striking Algerian beauty Edwige Fenech stars as Jane, a troubled young woman who just miscarried her unborn baby in a car accident which her doctor boyfriend Richard blames himself for. She begins having strange surrealistic nightmares, featuring cackling toothless women in baby bonnets, a knife-wielding killer with piercing blue eyes and screaming nude women stabbed to death in their beds. Fun stuff.

Sergio Martino's vibrant cult shocker ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK blends the devilish plot from ROSEMARY'S BABY with all of the style, color, and suspense of the Italian Gialli (minus the tell-tale signs of a black-gloved killer). It includes stand out performances by Julian Ugarte, Ivan Rassimov, and Edwige Fenech in a captivating lead. Despite his later reputation for making low-budget Eurotrash, Martino displays all of the skill and finesse of the other Italian masters here, carefully crafting the story arcs and visuals with a painterly touch. Where other Gialli become unnecessarily contrived and convoluted, it is much easier to accept the surprising twists in ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK as part of the dream logic inherent in the plot."

Steve's Snacks Of The Week:
Coffee
Pills
More Coffee
Chips
Hawaiian Punch
Random Fridge Leftovers
Nasty Asthma Medicine Residue

... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE!

But lets go over a few rules first. There's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and talkers will be eviscerated with a KFC spork. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. Please dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And NO TEXTING!! I'm serious about that one.

And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).

ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!

YEAUHHH!!!

What We Did While My Wife Was Away ...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

MY WIFE IS BACK ...

My wife and son arrived home at around 3am this morning.

I am so overjoyed that they are finally back home that I've been having a panic attack and fighting back tears all day.

I'm just so happy they're home!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Damnit, NOOOOOO ...

I just finished reading the novel The Long Earth by Stephen Baxter and absolute genius Sir Terry Pratchett. It is an entertaining and utterly fascinating look at multiple earths and the questions raised when these different earths are discovered.

I absolutely loved the book. It has the serious science fiction of Baxter with the humor of Pratchett that has become so popular that fans won't be surprised at the idea of a main character also being a soda machine.

But here's the thing ...

The book ...

... is the beginning of a SERIES!!!

NOOOOOOOOO!!!

The same damn thing happened when I read Fight Club author Chuck Pahalinamachuvkama-whater's last book, the hilarious Breakfast Club meets Dante's Inferno novel Damned. See, no one told me that this was a series, so I blasted my way through the novel, only to discover AT THE END that the book I just finished reading is part one of some big ass planned series and now I am stuck waiting two or three or fuck knows HOW LONG for the next book to come out.

DAMMMMIT!

I HATE waiting!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Words ...

Words cannot express how much I miss my wife and ten month old son, who left on a road trip a week ago today. I miss my son's face and the way he smiles and laughs when he sees me come home from work. And I miss my wife being around for me to annoy. She's my best friend. Hell, she's my only friend, and I feel deeply alone without her here next to me.

I would also say that I miss sex but seeing as I never was allowed any even when she was HERE then that's pretty much a moot pont, then, isn't it?

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

... will NOT be seen this week, on account of me having no computer to set the damn thing up with! Sorry, everybody! Blame my wife. And my son. And the whole state of Nevada, those godless heathen bastards.

And blame Star Wars-themed rappers, too, for personal reasons.

So for the next week or two the ever popular Church-less Movie of the Week feature will be put on hold while my wife learns how to sell Scentsy and, I am assuming, learning now to smell things.

Yeah. Sorry. No free movies for a while.

HOWEVER...

I did manage to post a link to the movie Black Dynamite, the full original hillarious ass movie, on both my facebook page and my twitter account.

So, if you would still like to see a free movie or two, thennow would be a very appropriate time to become my friend.

That is all.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

My Empty Nest ...

My wife is gone. She sells Scentsy, these wickless scented candle thingies, they ARE realky awesome, and so she is in a van with my mother in law on a crazy road trip to the Scentsy convention in Las Vegas that I call both Scent-Fest and Sniff-Con.

Did I mention that since she is breast feeding she took my ten month old son with her? Not having Maxwell with me is the hardest part of this whole thing. I love my son and it hurts not to have him home.

Sigh!

She ALSO took our computer with her to try and get it fixed, so the only thing computer wise that I have is our Nook Tablet. I am typing this blog post on a Nook right now. Boy, I sure am a good corporate boy, arent I?

I don't know for sure if I can properly set up a free movie tomorrow on this small, unforgiving tablet, but I will try, by jove.

Wish my lonely ass luck!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

An Urgent Note From Bert Macklin ...

I have watched 35 freaking episodes of Parks and Recreation in about, oh, say, like two weeks. Or three days. Or a week. Or something.

I don't know.

Look, all I know is that I am falling in love all over again with this amazing ass show. It is the best, it has avery big heart, and everybody should watch it!

Love,
-Bert Macklin, FBI

Random Picture Time Again, Folks ...

Since I might be facing a Mormon president in our future, I decided to keep this card in my wallet ...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Random Nuggets Of Steve's Brain ...

-A few days ago I caught my oldest daughter watching Disney's Camp Rock. I was upset. I am NOT going to let MY daughter watch such mediocre crap! So I asked her why she was watching and she said "Because it's so stupid." My daughter is starting to love bad movies like me. I am SO PROUD of her!

-I think I may have figured out the secret to musician Chris Brown's success: maybe Ton Jones should kiss Rhianna. With his fists!

-I'm super thirsty! I could really go for an ice cold Kimbo Slice right now!

-I worked on the 4th of July. I closed, in fact, which meant that as I drove my fifty minute drive home I was able to literally watch about TEN firework shows. And they were all lame. Seriously, Okie fireworks suck. Disneyland and the California State Fair have spoiled me.

-On my way to work I pass a sign that say "Pink 3 Norman 22." It reminds me of the shocker. So one of these days I want to replace the Norman 22 with a sign that reads "Stink 1."

-After much deliberation, I am pretty sure that Willie Nelson is actually from an ancient race of immortals and as such will never die. Or he's just a crusty old pothead. Either one.

IDEAS for OTHER POSSIBLE FANCIFUL PRESIDENTIAL FILMS:
William Henry Harrison: Werewolf Spanker
Teddy Roosevelt: Mummy Unwrapper
William Howard Taft: Vampire Eater
William Jefferson Clinton: Skinny Girl Banger

-In-laws + holidays = FUCKING INSANITY!

-I am deeply upset that they're remaking Total Recall. I mean, every freaking movie in the world doesn't need to be remade. Hollywood is just completely out of ideas. People flocked to bookstores when Avatar came out so they could read the book. But there WAS no book. Do you know why that happened? Because one film came out with an original idea and yet, because Hollywood is so UN-original, a huge percentage of America just ASSUMED that it was based on a book! Total recall is a fine, fun, cheesy movie that doesn't take itself too seriously and I like it. It doesn't NEED to be remade, you Hollywood swine! But thank WOOD that they kept the three tittied alien chick in it. I would have cried if they hadn't kept her in it. Yay three titties!

-My old friend Michael Burns posted on my facebook page "I just realized your entire public performance persona is based on Convincing John from Fraggle Rock." That is one of the highest compliments anyone could EVER give me!


... when I see a bunch of tassels like in the picture above I get sad and think about all the strippers whose nipples are now cold.

-I'm living in the middle of Nowhere, Oklahoma. I'm working a lot less and for less pay than I was in Sacramento. But I don't miss it. Not in the slightest. See, I'm spending more time with kids here than I was over there, so, yeah, life is pretty fucking awesome for me now!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The Epic-ness Of BAT-STEVE ...

Great picture to share. Really great!

But let me share a little story first ...

This past saturday was a really big Superhero story time at work. I knew that a ton of kids were going to show up, so I wore my best dress shirt and ironed my black suit. I pretty much looked normal. But when story time seemed "threatened" to me, i put on a cape and a nice batman mask and lowered my voice. I became Bat-Steve, the dark bookseller of justice.

I even had a coloring page ...

When storytime was done, one smart young boy in the audience looked around and had an idea ...

See, I had circled around the stage a number of small superhero dolls that we have recently started selling. They're cute and inexpensive and I had eight different ones, both Marvel and DC despite me being a bona fide Marvel comics guy.

One of the buys, the one who was the most passionately vocal about the story time, grabbed a Batman plush, ran to go buy it, then ran back so that I could autograph the doll AS Bat-Steve.

So, after I autographed it I decided to give it a very Steve look.

Check it out ...

I sold so much superhero swag after that story time.

I am fairly supremely awesome.

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

I know, I know. I'm a little late, but better late than never, right? Right! Now here you go. Today's movie.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from wikipedia and the good folks at 1000 misspent hours.com ...

"Monster from Green Hell is a 1957 B movie directed by Kenneth G. Crane and starring Jim Davis and Robert Griffin. It was shown as a double-feature to the 1957 film The Brain from Planet Arous. It is also seen as a clone of Them!.

You’ve probably never heard of independent producer Al Zimbalist by name. But God, what a resumé that man has! Cat-Women of the Moon. King Dinosaur. Valley of the Dragons. And, of course, Monster from Green Hell. These are not merely dreadful movies, either. Zimbalist’s productions were iconically dreadful, films with which the most hardened fans of 50’s crap celluloid might test the limits of their endurance, while weaker viewers curl up whimpering in the fetal position in the corner.

How to describe this movie? Hmmm ... well, start by imagining the most pointless and enervating jungle safari flick you can. Then picture an atomic bug movie that would make you pray for the “big damn spider for no reason” portion of Killers from Space. Now envision the two spliced together by a human vegetable who happened to be talking on his cell phone at the time. That, approximately, is Monster from Green Hell.

In preparation for sending a manned rocket into space, American scientists Dr. Quent Brady and Dan Morgan are put in charge of a program that sends various animals and insects into space to test their survival rates. After one of their rockets carrying wasps malfunctions and goes off course, a computer calculates that the rocket is likely to land somewhere off the coast of Africa. Some time later, in a remote part of Africa, Dr. Lorentz and his daughter Lorna perform an autopsy on a native and determine that he died of paralysis of the nerve centers caused by an injection of a massive amount of venom. Arobi, Lorentz' African assistant, then informs him that a monster is believed to be terrorizing people and animals in an area known as Green Hell. Hmm, something's fishy if you ask me! Theorizing that it may be the irradiated test wasp wreaking havoc in the jungle, he organizes an expedition to investigate.

Monster from Green Hell manages to be boring more often than not. There’s just too much stock footage, too much trekking across the savanna when what we want to see is a couple of square-jawed scientists chucking hand grenades at crummy plastic wasps. The movie isn’t but 71 minutes long, but there’s a stretch of 42 minutes smack in the middle during which not a single monster ever appears. I’m sorry, but that is simply not the way you do these things.

What we're saying is, watch at your own risk."

Steve's Snacks Of The Week:
Coffee
Pills
Popcorn
Crack
Even More Coffee
Various Internet Porns
That's About It-Ain't Nothing In This Damn House!


... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE! Yay! Isn't that awesome? This blog kicks ass!


But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed. Any and all talkers will be Penn State Locker Room-ed with extreme prejudice. Also, absolutely no cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING! Seriously, none. Alright?


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).

Enjoy the show, y'all!

Friday, July 13, 2012

I Know I Should ...

I know I should post some big, important blog post here but I can't. Or I just don't want to. Either way.

I'm just tired. Tired of the long drive to work. Tired of cutting myself on the hands and wrists. Tired of getting yelled at by my in-laws like I'm so horrible. Tired of keeping my mouth shut.

I'm just tired.

Good night.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Random Thoughts ...

-I'm not sure of this past sunday's Church-less Movie of the Week was choppy and slow for EVERYBODY or just me and my slow ass laptop. In any case, I will try and NOT showcase any more bootleg movies like I did last week. I just happened to find a copy of Cabin in the Woods and went for it. It will never happen again.

-I think Adele seems sleepy. Like, all the time really tired. Maybe she is always so sad and stuff because of a lack of rest. Maybe she just needs to get some sleep. Someone should get her a sleep number bed! I bet if she had a sleep number bed then she's be singing Monkeys songs and being all "Every morning there's a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend's four post bed ..."

-So a few days ago I was at Toys R' Us so I could check out the Marvel toys and wrestling stuff and see if there's any new Godzilla toys hiding in the back. And while I was there I saw a deeply disturbing dvd on sale ...

... it's the Get Along Gang. And they haunt me. See, The Get Along Gang was a cartoon from 1984. These twelve or fourteen animals meets in an abandoned caboose and have various wholesome adventures with morals attached. I am ashamed to say how much I loved this cartoon as a child. I wanted a Get along Gang doll SOOOOO MUCH as a child! But you know what I got instead? My mom came home from shopping with my brother and said that she "accidentally" bought this book at the store and decided I might "like" it, so they gave it to me. It was a Get Along Gang book about being a "crybaby." Yeah, accidentally my ASS! Fuckin' thanks, mom!

-And, in retrospect, I don't know if I EVER got that Get Along gang doll that I wanted so much. Sigh. I guess I could ebay it but how pathetic would THAT be, right?

-A few days ago we all went to Pizza Hut. All the Pizza Huts around here are sit down ones which I haven't seen since probably high school. The table in the corner was giving me the stink eye, really shooting eye daggers at me, and I was worried. When they left the douchenuggets left half of their pizza and a ton of bread sticks. So I jokingly asked if I could have a box for THEIR food. I didn't expect the waitress to say yes. So ... is that bad? Or awesome? I think it's awesome.

-Go to a mexican restaurant, ask if they have hamburgers. That is Classic Steve!

-Waaaaay back in the day (late eighties/early nineties) my older brother's older friends would call me "no book" because by the time they went to the library or bookstore to figure out how to beat a level in whatever video game they were playing I would had already beaten it. I didn't need help. I was No Book. But now i'm 35 years old and now my kids seem to absolutely NEED the internet to beat their pokemon games or their whatever games they're playing. What the hell? How have I failed them?

-My wife is going away for a week to two. She's leaving in about ten days. she's going to Vegas, not to "work" but to take part in the nation's annual Scentsy convention or, as I call it, "ScentCon Oh-Two!" I'm sad that she's going to be leaving and worried that she might get involved in Vegas "funny business." However, her mom will be going with her to ScentCon so that should alleviate any bad business that may occur. She has a "friend" in Vegas and I'm really worried that they might get together and cause a ruckus. I really hope nothing happens. That's why I think I'm going to do a few road trips with my kids while they're gone. Maybe we'll go to the National Toy And Action Figure Museum or maybe to go Norman and roller skate and then visit the James garner statue. Whatever, you know? Just something to get my mind off of Vegas and the pain.

-Ernest Borgnine is dead. So I told my daughters that Spongebob's hero Mermaid Man is dead. The look on their faces: priceless!

That's about it.

Wind Clan out.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

A Fine Late Night ...

So my wife and I haven't really been able to spend any time together lately. It's been rough for the both of us. Tense. Not the best. I just miss my wife and the times we used to spend together.

That is why my wife and I are drinking a big ass bottle of Corona and watching Iron Man on FX.

I'm tired as hell and dizzy and a little bit hungry because there's never anything in the fridge but leftovers and condiments. But there is no other place I would rather be right now than right here by my wife.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...



Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia machine of knowledge ...


"The Cabin in the Woods is a 2012 American horror film directed and co-written by Drew Goddard[5] and co-written and produced by Joss Whedon. It stars Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, and Jesse Williams. The film was released on April 13, 2012.




The project began filming in March 2009 and completed on May 29, 2009, in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Joss Whedon co-wrote the script with Cloverfield screenwriter Drew Goddard, who also directed the film, marking his directorial debut. Goddard previously worked with Whedon on both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel as a writer. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy on November 3, 2010, but the film was still released as one of MGM's last pre-Spyglass films in development.


Whedon described the film as an attempt to revitalize the horror genre which he, along with director/co-writer Goddard, felt had 'devolved' with the introduction of 'torture porn'. He called it a 'loving hate letter' to the genre, continuing:


'On another level it's a serious critique of what we love and what we don't about horror movies. I love being scared. I love that mixture of thrill, of horror, that objectification/identification thing of wanting definitely for the people to be alright but at the same time hoping they’ll go somewhere dark and face something awful. The things that I don't like are kids acting like idiots, the devolution of the horror movie into torture porn and into a long series of sadistic comeuppances. Drew and I both felt that the pendulum had swung a little too far in that direction.'




As of July 4, 2012, the film has grossed $41,984,687 in North America, along with $21,922,395 in other territories, for a worldwide total of $63,907,082. The film has received a high critical acclaim; based on 191 reviews collected by Rotten Tomatoes, the film currently holds a 90% approval rating from critics,[21] with an average score of 7.7/10. Aggregate reviewer Metacritic gave the film a 72 out of 100, based on 40 reviews, indicating 'generally favorable reviews.'


The reviewers for Spill.com praised the film, calling it a 'game-changer' and saying it was on par with classic genre-bending horror films like Evil Dead II, giving it their highest rating of 'Better than Sex.'"




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

More Coffee

Yet Even More Coffee

Old Bananas

Random Potato Chip Shards

Pepsi




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's super special Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE! And because I rock is why.


But lets go over a few theater rules first. Firstly, there's absolutely no talking allowed in Steve's Theater during our feature and any and talkers WILL be given a live organ transplant!


Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. No open flames. Gays are accepted, however. Dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And please, absolutely NO TEXTING! Very serious about that one.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!