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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

A Post From The Van ...

This post is coming to you from inside my minivan.


Let me try and explain why.

My oldest daughter Emerald is home from school today. Lice. How the hell did she get that, I wonder? She's twelve and a half, for Wood's sake. I thought she outgrew lice infestations. Oh well.

I tried being a clueless white republican douchebag and blame the lice on the act of taking "selfies" but that just upsets my daughter because she's a book-obsessing honor roll student who wouldn't be caught dead taking a selfie, which OF COURSE makes me blame selfies all the more.

Good times.

See, the lice is why Em and little Maxwell and I had to go to the Wallymarts and get lice stuff. Then we went home. But I never left the van. Em thinks me cray-cray for staying but, see, Maxwell fell asleep on the way home and so i'm at home but in the van with the car running. I'm staying here with Maxwell. I know my son. Once I try and get him out he will absolutely wake up. So I'm staying in the van.

I don't really mind, you know? My poor son is still having issues with his mommy not being here for him. Don't get me wrong. He loves me. But I don't have boobs. Most mornings he'll wake up at some crazy early time and freak out that my wife is gone. Just this morning Maxwell woke up at 4:20, 4:45, 5:00, and 5:45am. Poor guy's probably exhausted.

Then there's the fact that he hardly ever takes naps on his own anymore and on those rare days when he does he most definitely does NOT go down for a nap as early as 10:30am.

So I might as well help him out and just stay here with him in the van, right?

Not THAT crazy of an idea.

This is my first ever van post.


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