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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

My Lonely Week ...

My wife is leaving tomorrow night.

She's not leaving for good. I hope. No, late tomorrow I will be doing the three hour drive from Nowhere, Oklahoma to Dallas, Texas to bring my wife to the airport. There she will catch a cheap, late night Spirit airlines flight to Sacramento, California where she will be spending the week visiting her friends and, probably, watching the new Godzilla movie before I do, not that I'm bitter or anything.

This means that I will be home alone for a whole week with my three kids.



I know that I'm an easily paranoid individual and I know that I have said this sort of stuff before, but I am reeeeeally nervous and scared and worried about this week long trip of my wife. So lets discuss this, shall we? Here is a list of the reasons I'm freaking out about this trip ...

1) Maxwell And Mommy
Maxwell is 32 months old. He can walk, he can talk, and he loves me to death. But his mother puts him to bed almost every night and when he wakes up in the middle of the night it's my wife that he cuddles up against in order to fall back asleep. He loves me but he loooooves his mommy. And little Maxwell has never and I mean NEEEEVERRRR been away from his mother this long before, so there is really no telling how he is going to be during this next week. Will he freak out? Will he lose his shit? There's no real way to tell because this has never really happened before.

Which brings me to ...

2) Breasts
Little Maxwell is still breast fed. He is still a big booby fed baby boy. My wife's ample cleavagers put him to sleep at night and they are there to stop his cries and they comfort hm whenever he gets hurt. And I cannot, aaaaabsolutely CANNOT, provide that for him. My wife tried to pump some breast milk for him but it's been soooo long since she's pumped that she could barely pump a few drops of milk out. So, I will be doing this with no breast milk.

3) Memories
I have bad memories of times past. See, I have been home alone before while my wife does her stuff alone and it is usually not fun. Lots of sadness and depression. Plus, and there's not too much I can say about this without getting my foot in my mouth, bad things have been known to happen on these trips. I love my wife. And I want her to love me back. But we've been having hard times recently and this lonely trip of my wife's could NOT have come at a WORSE time. So I'm now going to have to spend a whole week hoping that nothing bad happens and that she comes back to me.

4) Gojira
I have been waiting for this new Godzilla movie for a few years now. YEEAARRRS!!! And as I was sitting here debating whether or not I should see it at a midnight showing or in 3d or in IMAX 3d or the DAY it comes out, as I was debating all that beautiful beautiful business, my wife up and tells me that when the new movie comes out SHE will be leaving me at home ALONE with three little kids. So I don't know when I'll be able to see this new movie. I have no fucking clue. This is one of the absolute biggest movie of my LIFE and I am stuck at home taking care of these damn kids. The thing is, my wife said that when she's in Sacramento she's going to try and get her friend Jen go and see it with her. So in all likelihood my damn wife will see this movie before me and that kinda sorta pisses me the hell off.


So I'm driving to Dallas tomorrow.


Wish me luck.

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