NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, June 13, 2020

SCRIPT (6/14/2020)

(theme music)

CHEESY HOST: HELLOOO and welcome to AMERICA'S NEXT PODCAST SINGER, the surprise reality contest where we see if podcasters can sing without ANY forewarning! And today we have 2 brand new contestants ready to show us what they've got. Now, let me remind you again, both podcasters today had NO WARNING that this contest was taking place, because that's just how this game show ROLLS! Now lets meet our first contestant, his name is Steve, let's here it for him!

(applause)

CHEESY HOST: So, Steve, tell us about yourself.

STEVE: Uhh, yeah. Hi, my name is Steve. I'm … (ad-lib)

CHEESY HOST: Hey, sounds great. And, what is the song you're going to sing?

STEVE: It's called … (ad-lib)

CHEESY HOST: Alright, sounds great! So here is our first contestant, Steve, with the song (REPEAT TITLE)

(STEVE SINGS)

(applause)

CHEESY HOSY: Phew! What an amazing song. THAT, will be REALLY hard to beat! But one man will definitely try to beat Steve off, so lets welcome our SECOND contestant, Bunny! So, Bunny, tell us about yourself?

[WHATEVER BUNNY DOES]

CHEESY HOST: And what is the title of the song you're going to sing?

[WHATEVER HE SAYS]

CHEESY HOST: Wow, Bunny, that sure does sound great! So here is our second contestant, Bunny, ready to wow the world with his song called (REPEAT TITLE)

[WHATEVER BUNNY DOES]

(applause)

CHEESY HOST: Wow, what an amazing performance by our second contestant, Bunny. I don't know WHO is going to end up victorious. So, you know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna go set this whole fucking building on fire, fuck this fucking show. Both of you guys are winners, or losers. I don't care. Now get the fuck out of here because this son of a bitch builfing is going to burn.

(sound of fire and screams)

STEVE: AAAAND SCENE

Saturday, May 16, 2020

NEW Script for the Podcast (5/17/2020)

TITLE: "The Locksmith"

This is a short play with 3 characters, a locksmith named STEVE, the locksmith's wife NATASHA, and a NEWSCASTER on the television. The locksmith and his wife live in Las Vegas. Steve will be playing the part of STEVE. Bunny will be playing the part of NATASHA as well as the NEWSCASTER. There is also a phone. This is important.

Although the story is based on a real event, the story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons living or deceased is intended or should be inferred. Also Steve was a little bit high while writing this.

INTERIOR VEGAS HOUSE, DAY. NATASHA IS WATCHING TV

NATASHA: Boy, I sure do like watching tv. (hums) Gee, I wonder when my locksmith husband will be home from his work which is locksmithing.

THE DOOR OPENS. STEVE ENTERS

STEVE: Hello Natasha my wife. Your husband is home from doing locksmithing and work that is related to the world of locksmithing.

NATASHA: OH! My amazingly handsome and great smelling husband Steve is home! I will now embrace you as all lovers do, sensually.

THE TWO SHARE A TENDER SENSUAL EMBRACE

NATASHA: How are you my locksmith husband? Are you in the happy mood and we can start vigorously fornicating as we always do after working time? Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Nay my amazing wife, nay. Delay that sentiment. We must have a serious conversation now.

NATASHA: I am filled with such dread now. How serious a conversation will we be now having, my husband?

STEVE: A VERY serious one!

NATASHA: Audible gasp!

STEVE: My wife, I must admit truths to you now. My locksmith business is not going all of the good. We have been losing money. The money runs away and we don't know where it is going because we have never seen money run away like this. We have tried using nets to catch the money but it is no use. We are running out of good business feelings. Times are hard.

NATASHA: Oh, I am sorry to be hearing those words in my ear cavities, my sexy and strong husband Steve. What do you deduce is the reasoning behind the decline in businessing? Is it the fault of the internets?

STEVE: Yes my buxom wife, it IS the fault of the internets. Kids these days are too busy pornhubbing and club penguining to care about modern day locksmithing.

NATASHA: Oh no! This is all the sad. I am cut to my very core. Nevertheless, I still support you, my amazing and talented and good smelling husband Steve. Maybe we should have a sad round of procreation. Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Yes, my wife Natasha. Maybe you should.

THE TV BLARES LOUDLY

NEWSCASTER: Attention, viewers of television, attention now! Cease fornicating and pay attention! There is coronavirus now and it is coronavirusing all over the non-coronavirus places! All movie theaters and glory holes and casinos are hereby closed by order of the governing goverments of Las Vegas, where is where Steve and Natasha live in this play now!

SUDDENLY, THE PHONE RINGS. WE TOLD YOU IT WAS IMPORTANT. STEVE PICKS IT UP

STEVE: Hello? Who is it that is phoning me? Is it you, money?

NATASHA: Who is it, honey darling snooky face?

STEVE: It is Ceasar's Palace on the Las Vegas strip. You know how all the casinos have been ordered to close, honey?

NATASHA: Yes, I seem to recall someone saying that thru a television device recently.

STEVE: Well apparently, since Caesar's Palace has never had to close before, their doors have no locks on them. They want me to rush to the strip and install locks on all their doors right now and they are willing to pay me big bucks?

NATASHA: Big bucks, you say? Why, those are bigger than small bucks!

STEVE: You are correct my amazing wife! In fact, I am now getting a second call. It's from every other casino. They ALL need locks! We are no longer going out of business, my dear. Now we are successful and rich.

NATASHA: Oh what a joyous day! We should violently fornicate to celebrate such a momentous time. Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Natasha, my oversexed wife, this is no time for pony play! I must be off to do locksmithing things in a way that only locksmiths can do!

NATASHA: Farewell my husband! We will sex when you are finished!

THE END